LoveIs Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 I hate this stage of dating. The first few dates are exciting. I like the person. They like me. Then it becomes, ok, are we on the same page? I don't want to up and initiate that conversation too early for fear of scaring someone off, but I also like knowing before I invest emotional energy into it, ya know?
pyramid Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 I have been thinking about posting this exact same thing. It's definitely a very individual thing. In my case, it's been 7 weeks, he told me early on that he wasn't looking for anyone else (bc he is too busy to focus on more than one person at a time, and wanted to hang out with me and see where things went). But I am feeling insecure because I don't know if he sees it as casual or not at this point. I would prefer that he initiate the conversation, but I wonder if he's waiting for me to do it (or if it's even crossed his mind). I really enjoy our time together, and don't stress about it then. It's in between dates that I get neurotic!
Author LoveIs Posted September 2, 2013 Author Posted September 2, 2013 I understand completely. After 7 weeks, I would most definitely want to know where it was going. I think that's fair! 1
aussietigerwolf Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 I've heard on here many comments ranging from the person's still a total stranger after a month to still a total stranger after 2 years and its way too early to have "the talk"
white Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 I think a decent default is after you have sex. For most people that's a big enough deal, a significant enough emotional investment and vulnerability, that the lay of the land needs establishing once things progress to that point. Prior to that, it isn't serious enough to warrant the talk. I know there are people here who will **** on day one and think nothing of it, and there are people who will only **** after ages and they've had the talk before they did anything. In the end it's about vulnerability. Whenever you feel like you can get rather hurt if things carry on, that's the time. That will be after you've invested some emotional energy into it. Otherwise what's to hurt. Trying to define it before you care about it is having and eating your cake.
sigurpol Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 I also ask myself this sometimes and it becomes even more confusing when I get such an array of answers. One month, X amount of dates, five months, "at least 6 months"- it's so annoying. Same thing is going on with a girl I've been talking to/going out on dates/meeting my friends/being physical/meeting her friends and some family- and it's still not defined. It's actually starting to dwindle away because there is hardly any communication going on between us. After about 4 months of going out once a week on dates, I brought the whole thing up. Asked what was going on, if she wanted to keep this casual, or how does she feel about it? Her response? "I don't like having talks"- So much for clarification. I don't know, if you're feeling it, tell them.
Leigh 87 Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 I believe in instant sparks and being really mad about a person enough to know early. I believe with certain people, you know within a month if you want them all for yourself and to try to see if anything significant can amount from it all..... I am not into the slow build, where it takes months to "know" if you're crazy about a person on a very deep level.
Leigh 87 Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 Letting pure lust drive a relationship is a great way to have lots of short relationships. True love IS a slow burn. You can't know in a month is you have a deep connection with someone, only time creates that. I mean I need to early on KNOW if I "feel" the it factor with a person. I believe you know early on if you feel something special about a person. You're right that it takes TIME to figure out if your COMPATIBLE. Say you meet someone though. And I believe you should wait until you feel something "special" and "different" about a person before bothering to date them. So, after you ascertain that you felt something special from the start, that made them stand out and made you take note of them and drove you to HAVE to see them again without a doubt.... THEN you get to know them further and see if you are a good long term match. What I will never settle for, is a person who I have not strong drive for initially and who I have to "grow" to even "like" a lot. I think people know early on if they feel strongly geared towards a person, more so than they have with others. I do not believe in dating someone you're just lukewarm about and "seeing" if you can "grow to like them"
acrosstheuniverse Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 If they are scared off by being asked if they see this going anywhere, they're not into you and it was never going anywhere anyway. It's not like you're proposing on the first date. If I'm not too into a guy or I'm unsure, I won't bring it up, and if he brings it up I'll be honest. If I really like someone and they haven't said anything I'll ask (current relationship after five dates I said I wasn't ready for sex until I had an idea if we were going anywhere, and he said he didn't wanna scare me off but he wanted to be with me... Sure, guys will say that for sex. But in this case it wasn't about that thankfully).
pyramid Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 I believe in instant sparks and being really mad about a person enough to know early. I believe with certain people, you know within a month if you want them all for yourself and to try to see if anything significant can amount from it all..... I am not into the slow build, where it takes months to "know" if you're crazy about a person on a very deep level. Btdt... We are older, both divorced with kids, there is a lot more at stake. I don't fall in "love" in 3 weeks like I used to in college. We feel fortunate when we get to see each other twice in a week (and one of those is just dinner for an hour) and we don't spend our time apart texting constantly. There truly is no rush or timeline on the relationship - it is my insecurity that wants a label. I don't want to put unnatural pressure on things or make it feel rushed or forced. I have messed up potentially good relationships in the past by doing just that. I try to learn something about myself or take something useful from every date/relationship, and with this one I am working on patience and enjoying the moment.
Recommended Posts