WantAMajorChange Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 (edited) Long story short my wife wanted a divorce. We talked for the first time in a long time after things came out. I pleaded with her and she agreed to a trail sep of 6 months only cause I said it was help me get over her. She is 26 and I am 30. She feels like she lost her identity, feels that I am controlling and untrusting, and overreact and start a lot of fights. I feel she doesnt communicate, is manipulative, and is is selfish. We're both right about each other and admit it. So instead of fighting, pleading, or talking about the relationship I've done the 180 and so far it works. I smile, I jog a lot, I act positive, and I focus on change. Some liberties I've taken with the 180 is show that I'm friendlier with her family, I've taken care of her while she was sick, and I'm validating her self worth. We've been talking almost every night for hours. It honestly felt like I was making a difference. When I go out for a smoke sometimes she'll come out and see me to talk and get a smoke herself. She appreciated that I took care of her and said thank you genuinely. She even made the comment to her mother. I have slipped a few times here and there. I try to detach but will sometimes slip up in conversation. After jogging I came back all sweaty and made a comment about how disgusting I looked and she said that is how she is when its hot outside at work, I said you're still beautiful. I said it cause she used to get upset when I only commented on how she looked when she got really dolled up and never any other time. I also will sometime apologize for past behaviors cause I'm starting to see a lot of stuff thats wrong with me in therapy. For example I put people down jokingly cause I'm insecure with myself. She can see some of the behavior but she's not really starting to accept them yet as change instead of a act of desperation. The problem is now my time is ticking and I'm freaking out. I'm moving in with a friend and the room wasnt ready. Its coming up with week and I will be gone. I wont see her during this six month separation except when its my weekend with our son. Due to her work schedule when I pick up or drop off my son she may not be there. The other fear I have is that if she has a slight change of heart she may end up talking to her roommates that dont like me and have been telling her to leave me for some time. I'm working to change myself for me and any future relationships; however, from a moral and faith standpoint I dont want this marriage to end. I made a vow and I mean to keep it. I still love her dearly and even if she said she was willing to give it a chance I know that we would have to take it slow and make sure we grew up as individuals before going back to being a H and W. So I'm asking for maybe some reassurance, some hope, some advice, or a success story. Its hard to just walk away when I can start to see some hope. Out of desperation I'm thinking of asking her if I can stay a bit longer until she finds a roommate and I would suggest some ways for her to spend time doing an activity that would help her get out of this funk. Thanks in advance. Edit: I should also note that I am prepared for the worst and already accepted that it may all be for nothing. I'm working on myself but I dont want to feel that I didnt do everything (intelligently) that I could to save our marriage. Edited September 2, 2013 by WantAMajorChange
Mr. Lucky Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 No crystal ball here. The lesson we all learn is that you can only change you. For you. By you. The good news is that gives you the best possible result. The bad news, no one can predict or guarantee what that result will be. In this case, virtue - and hard work - really are their own reward... Mr. Lucky
Author WantAMajorChange Posted September 2, 2013 Author Posted September 2, 2013 No crystal ball here. The lesson we all learn is that you can only change you. For you. By you. The good news is that gives you the best possible result. The bad news, no one can predict or guarantee what that result will be. In this case, virtue - and hard work - really are their own reward... Mr. Lucky I understand nobody can make any guarantee that we will get back together or not. I slipped and needed reassurance that things will be ok. Im bouncing back between the 3rd and 4th stage of grief. Its a bit rough cause I have nobody else to talk except for her mother in law or my counselor. Both in some way cost me. I am working on change for me cause I dont want my future relationship to be a repeat with her or someone else. I know this sounds like I'm addicted to relationships; however, most of the issues I have are relationship related such as trust and communication. I am doing stuff to improve myself like jogging and exercising. I dont want to give up on the relationship but I've already prepared myself that it may already be too late but the knowledge I gained thru this rough time will benefit me in the future. Thanks.
Mr. Lucky Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 Is her MIL your mother? Have you and your wife done MC together? It's easy to understand your plan moving forward as you work to improve yourself and your marriage. What does your wife intend to do during the separation? Will she be dating? Mr. Lucky
Author WantAMajorChange Posted September 2, 2013 Author Posted September 2, 2013 Is her MIL your mother? Have you and your wife done MC together? It's easy to understand your plan moving forward as you work to improve yourself and your marriage. What does your wife intend to do during the separation? Will she be dating? Mr. Lucky During my pleading her to stay stage I brought up MC but she didn't feel it was worth it. In her mind we would just come full circle and she would be unhappy again. So MC was a waste of time. She only agreed to a trial instead of a D to help me cope. We agreed that no dating would occur during the 6 month trial and I intend to keep my side of it. She was hesitant saying six months is a long time but she did agree. I just have to trust her unlike how I didn't in the past.
Mr. Lucky Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 It's interesting how many times the same scenario plays out here with a "leaving" spouse and a "left behind" spouse. I'm afraid that you're going to find the separation has two very different meanings - and purposes - to the parties involved. Keep posting and let us know how it goes... Mr. Lucky 1
Author WantAMajorChange Posted September 3, 2013 Author Posted September 3, 2013 It's interesting how many times the same scenario plays out here with a "leaving" spouse and a "left behind" spouse. I'm afraid that you're going to find the separation has two very different meanings - and purposes - to the parties involved. Keep posting and let us know how it goes... Mr. Lucky Are you referring to me wanting this as a break and her seeing this as a temp setback until she leaves me?
Mr. Lucky Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 Are you referring to me wanting this as a break and her seeing this as a temp setback until she leaves me? Yes and no. I think she sees this as a chance to dip her toe in the waters of single life. She obviously cares about you and your feelings but that is simply leading her to soft-pedal her intent. Since, in her mind, you'll be separated both legally and physically, there's not much binding her to you. And without MC or some other work on her part to fix things, there'll be very little keeping her in the marriage... Mr. Lucky 1
Author WantAMajorChange Posted September 3, 2013 Author Posted September 3, 2013 Yes and no. I think she sees this as a chance to dip her toe in the waters of single life. She obviously cares about you and your feelings but that is simply leading her to soft-pedal her intent. Since, in her mind, you'll be separated both legally and physically, there's not much binding her to you. And without MC or some other work on her part to fix things, there'll be very little keeping her in the marriage... Mr. Lucky So you agree with me that she could have an "affair" at this point. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 So you agree with me that she could have an "affair" at this point. Depends on your definition of the word. I think she may have a relationship that, were you still married and living together, you'd be uncomfortable with. I'd guess that seeing other people, regardless of what she tells you to spare your feelings, is one of the objectives of the separation. You're on the right track with the 180. Your best hope is for her to see you differently since she now sees herself differently. No backsliding ... Mr. Lucky 1
Author WantAMajorChange Posted September 3, 2013 Author Posted September 3, 2013 (edited) Depends on your definition of the word. I think she may have a relationship that, were you still married and living together, you'd be uncomfortable with. I'd guess that seeing other people, regardless of what she tells you to spare your feelings, is one of the objectives of the separation. You're on the right track with the 180. Your best hope is for her to see you differently since she now sees herself differently. No backsliding ... Mr. Lucky So today was a stressful day. We had a conference with the school psyc for our son. So we were stressing over it and I ended up telling her about what my counseling had told me. I realized that it was a good move and a bad move. She didnt know about the extent of cousneling breakthroughs I had and what I was going to change with me and how I would treat her differently if she took me back. I basically apologized for how I treated her and explained why I treated her that way. I told her that I realized that we have two diff views of how we like appreciation and that I would learn what works for her. I told her that I thought buying a house and nice things was the way to go but I realized that we were happier living in a small condo. She did tell me that she was going to give it a fair chance and seemed more open to the idea of counseling than before. It was a hard "NO" and now its "IDK". She did say that if I keep bringing it up it would just push her away. Honestly now I think I can do a bigger 180 cause I'm set to move out this week. I have no choice but to do a 180. We wont be seeing each other until every other week and I doubt the first couple times will be very comfortable. Edited September 3, 2013 by WantAMajorChange 1
Author WantAMajorChange Posted September 3, 2013 Author Posted September 3, 2013 I think she may have a relationship that, were you still married and living together, you'd be uncomfortable with. I'd guess that seeing other people, regardless of what she tells you to spare your feelings, is one of the objectives of the separation. I know I seem to ignore it cause that was one item we had was trust issues. I thought she was cheating before. I was wrong and now have to trust her when she said that there is no one else and if its a lie forgive her if she forgives me for all I done to her.
revitup Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 She did say that if I keep bringing it up it would just push her away. There's a reason she said that!I would almost bet it's about to come down to you were right the first time! Something is just not right-Hope I'm wrong. REVITUP
revitup Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 She didnt know about the extent of cousneling breakthroughs I had and what I was going to change with me and how I would treat her differently if she took me back. Isn't it funny how we sometimes see ourselves at the mercy of the ones who want to destroy the marriage? Brother start to see this as you deciding whether she is worth it and the two of you deciding whether or not to move on or reconcile-get away from the "if she will take me back". My buddy said "I'd take her back... if she took back what she said!" I asked "What did she say?" His reply "Get out and never come back"! He still had a winning attitude in it!
Author WantAMajorChange Posted September 3, 2013 Author Posted September 3, 2013 She did say that if I keep bringing it up it would just push her away. There's a reason she said that!I would almost bet it's about to come down to you were right the first time! Something is just not right-Hope I'm wrong. REVITUP I actually got ended up getting proof that she didnt. It wasnt a situation where I just couldnt find concrete enough proof but found something that proved she didnt. Honestly it does cross my mind but I do have to just show trust. Bringing it up and asking her for proof that she didnt cheat isnt going to help things now.
Author WantAMajorChange Posted September 3, 2013 Author Posted September 3, 2013 Brother start to see this as you deciding whether she is worth it and the two of you deciding whether or not to move on or reconcile-get away from the "if she will take me back". I know. I'm still hurt and in shock over this all. So I havent detached yet. I know that I may end up not wanting her back. Only time will tell how things will play out.
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