ThumbingMyWay Posted November 15, 2004 Posted November 15, 2004 It will be 4 months on this Weds......still in emotional pain, still have some anger, but I am slowly getting thru. This is alot harder than I thought. I feel worse now than I did 2 months ago. I think the reality of it all is that my life and marriage realtionship will never be the same. And its hard for me to accept. I have always said that what happen to us was bittersweet. Bitter becasue of the infidelity, but sweet because if it didnt happen.....we would have just spiraled to an unreturning end to our marriage. I am the betrayed H....and the problem I;m having is I just cant shake these feelings of hurt and anger. My W has said she has moved on from the event and its in her past.....BUT I just cant seem to shake it. I have good days and bad days.....I just want all this negitive fu"king engery to leave my f***in mind....I'm in a personal hell somedays and I just want it to all go away....but my mind wanders back to that f***in day....that god-damm f***in day that changed my life and marriage....I show this happy outside BUT inside....oh the inside is in pain......its a true artform to live this way....and I am sick and tired of it..... I'm crying my eyes out right now....and I f***in hate it.....I feel like thiers a wall not letting me move on.... AAARRGGGHJH....I just wanna move on and be happy.... *internal voice*...TRUST THE PROCESS....HE WILL SHOW ME THE WAY....(repeat to infinity)
Owl Posted November 15, 2004 Posted November 15, 2004 Just over six months for me my friend. And I do know exactly how you feel. It did seem worse at four months than it did at two...at two you're just happy that you're still together...but reality starts returning where you're at now, and you start to realize that your marriage WON'T be the same as it was. At least that's how it seems to me. The rollercoaster ride continues on friend...the hills and valleys seem like they may be levelling out a little bit, and maybe just a bit further apart, but they're still there...every single day. I don't have any good news or advice to give you, since I'm really in the same boat you are...hoping that it gets better before it gets worse. Just hold on to hope for now friend. Its what keeps me going on the down days...
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted November 15, 2004 Author Posted November 15, 2004 Originally posted by Owl Just over six months for me my friend. And I do know exactly how you feel. It did seem worse at four months than it did at two...at two you're just happy that you're still together...but reality starts returning where you're at now, and you start to realize that your marriage WON'T be the same as it was. At least that's how it seems to me. The rollercoaster ride continues on friend...... Honestly Owl...... how are you 6 months into it? Are you better now than you were at 4 months and 2 months? and I know the roller coaster is still moving....I just want it to stop....f*** f*** f***....(sorry moderator but thats how I feel) she (W) seems and act like nothing happen, like it was a blimp on the radar.......she has moved on....but I struggle each day. More now that I did ever before... I love her so much I cannot explain....and what she did has hurt me so deeply I just dont know if it will EVER go away.....I cant live like this, i cant live in this misery, this doom and gloom....I need to shake it!!!!!!! aahhhrrrggg...........f**kin Mondays and pain
Owl Posted November 15, 2004 Posted November 15, 2004 Thumbin- I'm "six months into it", in that I found out about my wife's online emotional affair six months ago...May 11th, actually. If you're interested, my post is here... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t49539/ . And yeah, I'm doing a little better now at 6 months than I was at 4 months. The downs don't seem quite so far down as they were, and they don't come quite as often. But I DO still have my down times...and they still suck bad. And your wife's feeling that its over and done with isn't unusual at all. Realize that for her, its (probably, I don't know your wife) the stupidest, most selfish, most painful and embarassing thing she's ever done. She probably feels huge guilt and shame and remorse whenever she thinks about it. So, she doesn't want to think about it. She'd rather act like it never happened, and avoids the feelings by avoiding the topic. I know that is exactly how my wife feels...we talked about it last week in counseling. And also realize that unless she's been in that position, there is no way that she can truly understand the pain and hurt you're feeling right now. She CAN'T understand why its not in the past for you. If she's willing to work on it with you, talk about this in marriage counseling. There are a couple of good books out there that you might try reading together to see if it can help her see your viewpoint. Maybe After the Affair, by Spring. My wife deeply regrets what she did, and I don't believe that she'll do something like this again, so I've not made a huge issue out of her reading something like this...but I do wish she would. So, I'm still hurting too friend. Somedays a little, somedays a lot. But there are more good days now than bad...so I'm gonna keep working at it. I hope you're in counseling friend...either marriage or single or both. The counseling is tough for us, but it does help us work through things we can't face on our own sometimes. Good luck, and I hope this clears things up for you a bit. It will get a little better, I know that from what I've been through. And I've been told it keeps getting a little better the longer it goes.
DazednConfused Posted November 15, 2004 Posted November 15, 2004 Hang in there Thumbs. Near seven months myself. No end in sight. It ain't fair, but we all know the alternative. You can do this if you continue to want to.... it's when you get tired and start giving up that you will REALLY feel in trouble. I know this for a fact. just keep your head about you, and keep doing what your doing. -Dazed
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted November 15, 2004 Author Posted November 15, 2004 Originally posted by Owl And your wife's feeling that its over and done with isn't unusual at all. Realize that for her, its (probably, I don't know your wife) the stupidest, most selfish, most painful and embarassing thing she's ever done. She probably feels huge guilt and shame and remorse whenever she thinks about it. So, she doesn't want to think about it. She'd rather act like it never happened, and avoids the feelings by avoiding the topic. I know that is exactly how my wife feels...we talked about it last week in counseling. And also realize that unless she's been in that position, there is no way that she can truly understand the pain and hurt you're feeling right now. She CAN'T understand why its not in the past for you. I think THIS IS EXACTLY what is happening to her I just need to accept what is. And believe in myself. We are in counseling, weekly individual and couples about every 4 weeks. Its helping alot....almost too much becasue I am becoming aware of ALL my feelings.....and they hurt....like I say in my signature...its hard being conscious. BUT, this is the process of healing and moving on......it just sux somedays....
Bryanp Posted November 15, 2004 Posted November 15, 2004 Hello, This is an alternative position. The same thing happened to me and I simply could not let it go. The attitude of my ex was that it was no big thing so lets move on. The betrayal was too deep for me to accept this type of attitude. We divorced and moved on. I lost track of the ex and years later I am married to someone I love very much and trust that she has a great deal of respect for me. The bottom line for me was the feeling when I was with my ex that there was a giant elephant in the room with us. After the betrayal, I never felt that I was proud that she was my wife. I lost respect and trust for her and decided I did not wish to live my life like this. Thankfully, we did not have children. Again I am sorry what you are going through. The fact that your wife shows little remorse and that it is just another footnote in your marriage is a bad sign that indicates that she has not learned from this and potentially will do it again under the right circumstances. This is just my opinion. I wish you luck.
pragmatic Posted November 16, 2004 Posted November 16, 2004 To T.M.W. & Owl; I have been lurking on this site for three months and registered for about a month though I have resisted posting until now. After reading this thread I feel that I need to offer you encouragement…and thanks - for helping me deal with my own nightmare. My situation is very close to the two of you: in a nutshell, my wife - the mother of our three small boys - had a vacation fling in August. She was at the beach for three days with four girlfriends (one divorced and three unhappily married - all five are in their mid-thirties). The five of them were acting like giddy coeds 4 hours away from family & responsibility; they went out drinking one night and hooked up with five guys from a traveling softball team. I learned that my wife made out with one of the players when I inadvertently overheard a telephone call to her sister (also recently divorced). No sex apparently, but close enough to rip my guts out. Though I felt physically ill and emotionally destroyed, I launched into what MarriageBuilders calls “Plan A”. I have been working hard to make sure my wife wants to be married to me. I feel like I have dodged a bullet and I feel confident for our future, but there are some days… My point is I am on the same sickening emotional roller coaster and pulling for you as much as I am for my own marriage! Please know when you are trudging through your lowest points that there are others thinking about you and pulling for you!
Ladyjane14 Posted November 16, 2004 Posted November 16, 2004 I'm sorry you're still having such a difficult time, Thumb. I think it's probably pretty normal though, to feel the ups and downs. Heck, if it was EASY to get through all the mixed emotions after a betrayal there would be a whole lot less divorce. But it's not easy, and only the most resolute survive it. I have to wonder if it's the fact that the cheating spouse must move on ahead with his/her life that makes it seem as if they don't care. Afterall, the option for the betrayed spouse to leave the relationship and thus leave the problem behind is not available to the cheater. People can't leave themselves. Maybe it's having the option available to us, and wondering if we're doing the right thing that keeps us feeling emotional long past the point where a cheater must make peace with it all. (????) Just a thought.
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted November 16, 2004 Author Posted November 16, 2004 Originally posted by pragmatic Please know when you are trudging through your lowest points that there are others thinking about you and pulling for you! amen brotha! THANK YOU.....YOU DONT KNOW HOW MUCH I NEEDED TO HEAR THAT THIS MORNING.....
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted November 16, 2004 Author Posted November 16, 2004 Originally posted by Ladyjane14 I have to wonder if it's the fact that the cheating spouse must move on ahead with his/her life that makes it seem as if they don't care. Afterall, the option for the betrayed spouse to leave the relationship and thus leave the problem behind is not available to the cheater. People can't leave themselves. Maybe it's having the option available to us, and wondering if we're doing the right thing that keeps us feeling emotional long past the point where a cheater must make peace with it all. (????) Just a thought. damm LJ...you always seem to sum up my thoughts into words.......that is exactly what I think... she MUST move on...... I must accept and move on.....OR.....decline and move on...... My choice is to stay, its pretty clear......but some days, my mind, my thoughts wander to the what if side?.....and thats when I ride the emo coaster hard...very hard. I must focus on the good....trust the process....he will show me the way... THANK YOU ALL....I begin another day.....
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted December 1, 2004 Author Posted December 1, 2004 still a few things bothering me.... A few weeks ago, my wife and I had a conversation of the feeling of love. She stated that sometimes she just "doesnt feel it for me somtimes". I told my MC that and she said that just because she dont feel it, doesnt mean its not there. Kinda like on a cloudy day, you cant see the sun, even though its still there. Wife did also say that the spark for me is coming back for her....that she does love me, but she is just in a place where sometimes she just doesnt understand. Its encouraging that she feels it coming back....but still hurts me and concerns me. Then this morning....we were talking about "compliments". She said that I could tell her 100 times that I think she is beautiful....but sometimes it just doesnt mean anything to her. And that the compliments she gets from other people male or female really means alot to her. That hurts me too...and concerns me greatly. It concerns me that she just doesnt feel it from or for me........ I will stay the course...show my true love....and only hope and pray that she will understand and accept it FROM ME!. Another conversation from this past Saturday....she told me of a guy she was close friends with during her 2 year stint at college. She and this guy were close friends....and he would go out to were she was....ONLY if I wasnt around, so he could have her attention. She has since seen this man by chance mind you, back in April (prior to her "episode" in July 04...but during her time of not knowing if I was the one....the time when she was going out all the time and loving attention ffrom other men). Anyway, when they bumped into each other....this man confessed that he was in the middle of a divorce and was not happy...and that he wished SHE was in the same boat so that maybe there was a chance for them. Of course my wife said that there was no chance since she was married....but I know that she prolly had thoughts of what if?. This man also confessed that he loved her...and always has, even thru his married he tought of her. My wife was flattered by this.....albiet odd after so many years of not seeing each other or being friends since that time was about 8 years ago. I think she thinks of him sometimes. Anyways....what I'm getting at. Is I just dont think my wife is 100% back into this marriage...I know this process of healing takes time. But, I just dont feel it yet....and its scares me. It scares me because I worry that maybe someday, she will decide that she needs to move on. That I am not the one for her. I love my wife for than anything in the world.....but I fear that someday, if I dont get 100% reciprocated love....man I fear that I am the one who will have to leave her......I hate that thought.....but its there in my head. I hope it goes away....I really do. Almost like its a "if you love them set them free" thought. I pray it doesnt become reallity. But thru counselling, I am discovering stuff about me. I finally believe that I am a sweet kind and loving man, and that I am a good father, I am a good catch....I know this now as truth....I never believed it before becasue of my insecurity. I believe this know, not just thru counselling, but thru comments from friends and from other females that have said it. They have said that many women would be happy to be married to a man like me. I just hope and pray that my wife will rediscover this about me....and make the 100% choice to stay and make it work. I just want her to love me totally. Thats all I ever wanted.....and after 4 months of healing, I just dont feel the 100% reciprocation from her yet....and it hurts. Dont get me wrong, things are MUCH better between us...and getting better every day.....I just hope it doesnt turn the other way.....but I fear that someday maybe it will. And if it does, I know that I will be OK......because I now that I am a good person....I am slowly becoming at peace with who I am....and it feels good. Have faith...have faith...have faith......
pragmatic Posted December 1, 2004 Posted December 1, 2004 Regarding compliments for a spouse, my wife's beach buddy apparently complimented her looks, and based on my wife's response, opined that she "obviously isn't used to getting compliments" - and my wife agreed with that! Now I will admit that I am always striving to improve as a husband and probably have a ways to go, but one thing is certain - I compliment my bride at every opportunity - always have since day one. After a lukewarm response to some words of praise recently, I pressed the issue and she said, "you say that stuff because you have to". I couldn't believe my ears. HTF do I overcome that kind of logic? There are two things that I try to do regularly now: (1), let her overhear me complimenting her to other people -- I think it often has more impact, and (2), compliment things she does at least as often as how she looks. I believe that more compliments are landing now, and she can really see just how great I think she is. Keep the faith bro, and keep working to show her why she should keep her "catch".
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted December 1, 2004 Author Posted December 1, 2004 Originally posted by pragmatic There are two things that I try to do regularly now: (1), let her overhear me complimenting her to other people -- I think it often has more impact, and (2), compliment things she does at least as often as how she looks. I believe that more compliments are landing now, and she can really see just how great I think she is. Keep the faith bro, and keep working to show her why she should keep her "catch". I will try to do more of those types of compliments. Sounds like a good idea. I would also think that if these other people would relay back to my wife the good things I say may help too. Any reinforcement from a third party may help her RE-see the light.
savethedrama4allama Posted December 1, 2004 Posted December 1, 2004 Hi TMW, I just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you and I hope things get better for you soon- Also that I agree wtih you and pragmatic that the best thing to do is focus on what you can do to be a great spouse, someone your partner would want to be with. None of us can change the past, but improving ourselves is something we can control. Its positive and constructive to focus on self-improvement. llama
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted December 1, 2004 Author Posted December 1, 2004 Originally posted by savethedrama4yrmama Hi TMW, I just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you and I hope things get better for you soon- Also that I agree wtih you and pragmatic that the best thing to do is focus on what you can do to be a great spouse, someone your partner would want to be with. None of us can change the past, but improving ourselves is something we can control. Its positive and constructive to focus on self-improvement. llama ((((llama)))) thank you! What I am slowly figuring out is that I cannot control her feelings. And if it does end, I will understand the fact that it is HER and not me. If she decides to leave...(which I really dont think will happen, but I still have doubt). But if she does, I will accept it and know that I am still going to be me and that I will again be able to show love and be loved again. Not something I want to think about, but a slight possibilty none the less. And your right....if I focus on improving myself and doing everything possibly to improve my marriage, by giving 110%. And if for whatever reason she does end up chosing to leave after all the effort.....then I will at least know that I AM the one who put forth the effort to succeed and that I AM the one who tried the hardest....and it will NOT be my fault because I will know in my heart that I tried and she didnt accept. It will hurt, but I know i will live on with a better understanding of myself and my sincere attributes as a man, a husband, a lover and a father. I AM A GOOD PERSON...(repeat to infinity)......
sadhubby Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 hey thumbin im in exactley in the same spot you are in right now.my wifes little summer fling was exposed on sep 12 ,3 days after my birthday nice huh.evrything you said is how my wife acted after i found out and i find im on this rollercoaster in the front seat with satan.all tho its been 3 months and you wouldnt beleive my relationship is better than it was before she tells me she loves me again,shows me a great deal of affection,talks with me about plans in our future again.theres even talk of having a baby together.but i like you just dont know how to take all this,is it for real is it a game.is it really how she feels ,she promises me this will never happen again.im partley to blame for what happend.becuase i didnt pay enough attention to her,i was emotionaly distant.thats what happens when you focus on your work so you can have the house and new cars blah!!blah!!blah!!but im not the nasty cheater.i was here at home evry night.i find myself now when im with her to be very happy but the moment i leave this house i just think how wrong she is for this and why me??if she was so unhappy why didnt she just leave ??becuase she has it good.then i think she was selfish and just wanted this other man.thinking to her self if i dont get caught he will never know.all kinds of thoughts run threw my head like this. including i should find someone else because i truley am starting to believe if you love someone you would never DO THIS TO THEM!!!!!!if youd like to talk my aol screename is darius9972 i feel your pain man i read every word and almost fell out of my chair because its my life right now too..
sylviaguardian Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 Kind of know where you are coming from sadhubby. I found out my H had been having an emotional affair (plus, if you know what I mean) six months ago, although at first the whole truth didn't come out. I found out on the day that we went on holiday with our kids! It was hell, I can tell you. Anyways, I feel the same. I can have a good weekend with my family then when I am on my own I start to mull things over. My H gave the reason that he didn't think that what he was doing would affect our relationship. To me, that means as long as I lie and deceive, I can have everything I want. We had another huge argument last night and, to be honest, I hate him today. I am really starting to wonder whether I will ever have any respect for him. During last night's conversation he said that he thought that when people are in a relationship, they don't have to get everything from that person - they can have close friendships with others too (inl. women). In my cynical frame of mind, this seems to be saying "I'll never be happy with one person". I know that my husband got something from the OW that I could NEVER have given him because it was unconditional admiration and flattery which just doesn't happen in a REAL relationship. I still love my husband a lot but my feelings have definitely changed. I am not sure if I can recover anyy respect for him. At the moment he seems like such a low person. Hang in there. Sorry I am on such a downer today, this probably doesn't help. But rest assured there are people out there who feel the same way as you do. It's very, very hard and 4 months is no time at all. I am just hoping that in another 6 months I will feel differently. Sylvia
Soon2bsngl Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 Thumbing, I have read quite a few posts of yours over the last few days and unfortunately I feel like I am reading about myself. My H had an affair that lasted roughly 2 years on and off with the same woman. We have been together for 12 years married for 6 and have a beautiful little girl. The OW was oh so eager and more than happy to contact me to let me know that she was with my H. Things would explode at home he would apologize up and down and promise it was over then she would pop back up in my life just when I thought things would be returning to normal. This happened 4-5 times. I finally had enough and asked him to leave, we were separated for 8 months and just recently got back together after a lot of begging and crying and promises on his part. I know he is sorry for what he has done and wants to make our marriage work but I have so much resentment and anger towards him that I feel like I am keeping us from being happy. I have to many questions and worries that constantly cloud my head. I try my hardest not to give her a second thought but it's pretty hard when you know who she is, and she is still driving by our house, I see her at the local hang out, she leaves gifts that he gave her on our door step, I feel like I can't get away from her. It's a constant reminder. If I bring it up to him he feels bad and won't talk to me about it saying that the only way to get over it is to drop it and stop talking about it all the time. I know right now I am probably my own worst enemy because I keep dwelling on it, but when he's quiet I think........Does he miss her? Was he happier while we were apart? Is he still talking to her? My friends and family comend me and praise me for forgiving him and trying to make our marriage work they tell me how strong I am, sometimes I think is it strength or weakness? If I were strong I would have walked away when I first found out about her. Which is another thing I beat myself up about. If I had asked him to leave when I first found out about her, I think it would have ended their affair very early on. And maybe we could have saved our marriage. Instead I forgave him, there was no consequences for him which kind of with out being said gives him permission to do it again. I think asking him to leave was probably the best thing I could have done but I'm afraid that because I waited so long that I've built up so much anger and resentment it's harder for me to forgive him. I honestly don't think he is still with her because I just don't get that uneasy feeling anymore. But it just kills me to think that this woman felt loved by MY HUSBAND. I've had many conversations with this woman and probably know more then I should about their relationship because I just keep going over everything she told me in my head. I know this probably isn't helping you any, but I need help too. I just wonder is there an end in sight? Is it time to call it quits? I don't know. I know right now I am very distant with my husband and he can see it. Which isn't fair to him, which is another one of my worries.........Am I pushing him into the arms of another woman AGAIN?
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted December 2, 2004 Author Posted December 2, 2004 Originally posted by sadhubby hey thumbin im in exactley in the same spot you are in right now...... .....but i like you just dont know how to take all this,is it for real is it a game.is it really how she feels ,she promises me this will never happen again.im partley to blame for what happend.becuase i didnt pay enough attention to her,i was emotionaly distant..... ...i find myself now when im with her to be very happy but the moment i leave this house i just think how wrong she is for this and why me??. ....i feel your pain man i read every word and almost fell out of my chair because its my life right now too.. its amazing how alike our thoughts are....... by sylvia Kind of know where you are coming from sadhubby.... by Soon2bsngl Thumbing, I have read quite a few posts of yours over the last few days and unfortunately I feel like I am reading about myself..... it is so comforting to know that there are others just like me.....not that its comforting to know theres other pain out there....but nice to know that I can come here and talk with people who are in the same emotional state i am in....and to talk and get advice from those further along in the process.......it helps me ALOT. Thanks Everyone
brashgal Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 ...sometimes I think is it strength or weakness? If I were strong I would have walked away when I first found out about her. Which is another thing I beat myself up about. If I had asked him to leave when I first found out about her, I think it would have ended their affair very early on. And maybe we could have saved our marriage. Instead I forgave him, there was no consequences for him which kind of with out being said gives him permission to do it again. I think asking him to leave was probably the best thing I could have done but I'm afraid that because I waited so long that I've built up so much anger and resentment it's harder for me to forgive him. I have often wondered this about my own failed marriage, I think I would have saved myself 2 years of hell if I had given him an ultimatum right from the get go. As it was, my ex took up with a second OW after he tired of the first (I wonder if my knowing about them soured their relationship - it was no longer 'fun' since they had been 'caught'). Amazingly, he and #2 are still together 18 months later, although I wouldn't rule out his cheating on her too someday. Hang in there folks - no matter what happens with your marriages, time does help heal your damaged hearts.
Soon2bsngl Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 That's what I keep hearing.......Be patient.............time heals all. And I'm sure all of this is true. But will things ever be normal again? And like I said I'm my own worst enemy. Because I will try and imagine their love making and wonder if he enjoyed it more with her, what exactly attracted him to her in the first place. UUUGGGHHHH I can go on and on and I drive myself crazy. Some days are worse then others. The other thing that kills me is, I thought we were really happy. I never in a million years would imagine him doing this. Our sex life WAS great, not anymore. We did everything together. And when we talk about how things are now even he says "I just want things the way they used to be before this happened things were perfect" and my response to that is "OBVIOUSLY they were not or you wouldn't have brought a third person into this marriage" I want to move because this town just is not big enough for the two of us. I see her almost daily whether it be in traffic or in a store or her driving by my house. I just can't get away from her.
brashgal Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 Moving would probably help you. I purposely avoid their neighborhood but I feel queasy every time I see a car like hers (even when it is not her). Define 'normal' - I don't think things will ever be the same for you but I do think you can move on. I'm hoping you can.
Soon2bsngl Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 OMG, my stomach drops when I see a car similar to hers also. I find myself looking for it sometimes. I guess what I meant by 'normal' was like it used to be. Things are 'normal' between us, we go out together all the time we laugh, we talk..... I guess what I meant was, I wish it could be like it used to be and I know it never will be. Even though things seem somewhat ok, I feel like there is this black cloud hanging over us, it's just always in the background no matter how much fun we might have if we go somewhere it's just always on my mind and I wish I could just stop thinking about it.
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted December 2, 2004 Author Posted December 2, 2004 Originally posted by Soon2bsngl I guess what I meant by 'normal' was like it used to be. Things are 'normal' between us, we go out together all the time we laugh, we talk..... I guess what I meant was, I wish it could be like it used to be and I know it never will be. Even though things seem somewhat ok, I feel like there is this black cloud hanging over us, it's just always in the background no matter how much fun we might have if we go somewhere it's just always on my mind and I wish I could just stop thinking about it. wow....I feel that same way sometimes....
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