I Messed Up

[MsGateau]

So I'll start out with a brief history of the relationship. We met online about 7 years ago. Started dating about 6 months after that, and met up a few months after that. We then moved in together about 5 years ago. He moved down to be with me. He was my everything. We worked perfectly together for so long, knowing we should be together forever. During this time we continued to play the game we met on and I got to meet a lot of the people he knew on it. A friendship i started with one of those people ended up causing a lot of turmoil in the relationship. I would go through phases where I would talk to him excessively and would end up getting more than friendly feelings, at this point I would usually stop the contact with the person. We would end up talking again usually a few months later. I know it caused my boyfriend at the time stress and hurt, but I never saw that friendship as something for him to worry about so I would shove it off. I know the friendship I had with him was a major concern and I always to use against him that I lost my friends because of him. I know now that was not a fair judgement. Yes, I had lost my friends, and he was a factor, but he never asked me to get rid of them. I'm the one who willingly chose him over them. So that was an unfair excuse to throw at him. I just enjoyed the friendship. Another point to our history. When we first started dating everything was amazing. For years we never fought, everything was just bliss. But then reality set in. We were in a live-in relationship. We starting colliding on issues. And I had a tendency to try and ignore the problem. I realize now a lot of that was me not wanting to accept the fact that we were

fighting. I wanted to keep up that facade of being the perfect couple everyone thought we were. I get that couples are supposed to fight, that its healthy. I realize that I had issues communicating then.

 

Now leading up to the break-up. A lot of things happened at once. We were moving apartments after our roomate left. With this we were going to have to be paying more per person to get all of our bills taken care of. I took up an extra day at work to make sure I could get my share. I started getting worried because he would only go in to work a day or two a week and I was getting concerned on how we were going to make ends meet. I know he was in school, but it was frustrating for me because he wasn't at the time as it was summer. Then I tried to go to my family for some advice, the first time in 6 years I opened up to others about our relationship issues, something he is more comfortable with. My parents pretty much freaked me out. About how

we are getting older, how we don't have time to figure all this stuff out anymore, how we should be more stable at our ages, how things aren't going to change. How I lose a lot of my benefits from them and how am I going to take of everything on my own, because right now I wouldn't be able to. My parents have always had a way to get in my head. So their opinions only

made my fears I had worse. And then the final thing that led to it was me starting to talk to the one guy again. With everything that was going on, including the move, I freaked out and left to my parents house for about an hour before I went back. Realizing I wanted the relationship. This angered my family because they thought they were being sooo supportive and trying to do what was best for me. So for the next couple days I had them harping at me about the mistake I was making. I started to feel more panicked so I had him go home for a week so I could try and think clearly. With him gone though the negative things people were saying would keep clouding my mind. And then the guy opened up his feelings to me and that just through everything for a loop. When my boyfriend called and asked about whether we were together I stupidly said no. He came the next day to get his things. We talked for a bit and I said a lot of things I didn't mean. I think partially trying to make him hate me to make the break up easier and to try and convince myself of what I was trying to make him believe to make it easier on me as well. We talked a bit after the breakup, mostly logistical stuff about ending billing accounts. I thought if I spoke to him as little as possible it would help the pain and the nagging feeling that I made a mistake go away.

 

After the break up, me and the one guy decided that we should try at a relationship. So we dated about a month before he came down to visit. While he was here, we did engage in sexually activity. This is a huge hurdle my ex and I face if we want to make things work. This was the event that flooded everything in my head I had been worried about the since we broke up. I

****ed up good. That this was not what I wanted. That I am completely in love with my ex. That I want only him, forever.

 

In the time we've been apart, I've slowly realized my mistakes, where I went wrong. Where I should have been more communicative. I have also realized that a lot of the issues I blamed him for were really my mistake. It was either a projection of my own issues I had with myself onto him, or trying to blame him for mistakes that I refused to own up to. That all the issues in our relationship were on me, that I am the sole one to blame. It has allowed me to see where I need to make changes for a healthy relationship between us to work. I know there is no amount of apologizing I can do to fully grasp how sorry I am and that If i could I would take it all back, but I cant. What I can do now is whatever I can to get the relationship back on track and to work with him to repair the trust that was lost.

 

I have been lucky enough that he has been willing to talk to me. I've been listening to what he has to say, to be understanding of his feelings, try to be more open about myself, and to be totally open and honest about everything. And he is understandably very upset about a lot of things. I know the cheating on him with the one guy is a massive hurdle we are going to have to tackle. But I am willing to face anything together with him. Do whatever it takes to help earn back his love and trust. He has been nothing but wonderful during our relationship. He always faced our problems head on and that was one of the aspects of our relationship i failed at. I am so ready to be all in this time. Work everything through and continue to make our relationship a 50/50 relationship. We have discussed our lives together before and I want all that. I know its going to be hard to get him to realize my sincerity with everything I've done.

 

I wanted to come here to get some unbiased insight into the situation. If anyone else has been through a similar thing, dealt with regaining trust or infidelity issues.

Edited September 2, 2013 by MsGateau

[Coombseyboy]

Well your story is interesting, I'm currently in a break up and working to resolve the issues with myself (its going well), here's the input that I have for you, nothing is ever as simple and sincerity and apologising, you need to stay away from him to fix the issues you have with yourself, you say you are ready for 100% commitment and relationship, but why weren't you before? You need to come to the realisation of why you kept talking to this guy who obviously put stress on the relationship, if you done it and then "done" him, then obviously there is a reason behind it, for you to talk to this lad and then act upon feelings then maybe this person is better for you then your ex, you just need to put alot of space between you, figure out why you done what you done, accept it, understand it, and wait for him to come to you! If he truly loved and wanted to be with you he would come back and then you can work on the apologising and reconciliation, about 2 years into my relationship (I was a child) and me and my ex broke up and within 2 hours anger took over me and I slept with somebody else, some people may say its cheating cause its only 2 hours after break up, some say it wasn't but either way it was a mistake, anyway she forgave me, she still didn't fully trust me 3 years later and I understand why, we broke up a month ago and I just let her get on with it, she met someone 2 weeks into break up and slept with him, of course it hurt at first but not as much as I thought, it's kind of like we're even now, I know it's a horrible way of thinking but it helps me, they "broke up" yesterday because she said she loves me but wants to work on herself, and I'm giving her that time and letting her do it, whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, that is what you need to do, it's one thing saying you are changed and ready, but are you? Technically in my opinion you didn't cheat because you weren't with him, granted it sucks but it could be worse like mine, but it's not so you need to let him be, improve on yourself, your finances, create a chart or a list or schedule to where you can get everything organised, improve yourself and he will come! Good luck