Is it just me, or does this seem sketchy?

[TigerCub]

So on Friday I went out on my first date after my break up.

 

The guy seemed nice and cute, and all is well.

As we're talking about family and friends and stuff, he mentions how his best friend works out of the province most of the month, then comes back for a few weeks, the goes again.

 

He then mentions that he goes to hang out with the best friend's wife and their kid.

 

At first I thought, ok he's trying to showcase his 'I'm a good friend and I like kids' side - so I'm like 'Oh that's nice'

 

..ok, so date ends

he calls me the next date to chat and set up date #2. Great!

 

In the course of chatting, he again mentions the best friend and the wife.

and he goes on to say that when he goes he spends the whole day there, and that sometimes the wife texts him and tells him that the kid is asleep and asks him to come over.

 

He says that she craves adult interaction (which makes me assume that she doesn't work).

 

The thing is, if that woman was HIS best friend, I'd understand, but she's the best friends wife, the best friend is gone weeks at a time, it just seems a little too 'Lonely Housewife'.

 

I dunno, something about that (and the fact that he brought it up 2 days in a row), made a red flag pop up in my mind.

 

But I'm a really cynical and jaded person, so I'm not sure if I'm too suspicious of people.

 

But then again, all the times that I don't follow my guy instinct, it ends up biting me in the ass - so I dunno.

 

What do you guys think - does it seem sketchy?

 

Why bring it up twice? - and maybe even if there is no shadiness going on, maybe he actually likes her so he can't help but bring her up?

[darkmoon]

he does not want exclusive, so nor should you, do not prioritise him, my two cents

 

"He says that she craves adult interaction" come on, he's hinting, or being mean

[TigerCub]

he does not want exclusive, so nor should you, do not prioritise him, my two cents

 

"He says that she craves adult interaction" come on, he's hinting, or being mean

 

Thanks for you take on it.

 

What do you mean he's being mean?

 

I often hear from stay at home moms that they get sick of everything being baby all the time, and they do crave adult conversation and interaction.

 

So that part didn't bug me, but the whole scenario set off my spidy senses.

[todreaminblue]

playing games..........weird thing to tell a date...i would feel unsure too if it were me...ask him directly......let him know it makes you feel strange.....just be honest...deb

[Minnie09]

She seems to be somehow important enough in his life that he feels like talking about her. He's either flattered by her craving his attention, or he has a crush on her, or he wants to bring it up because he wants a reaction from you. Ask him why she needs his attention/interaction. Doesn't she have any other friends, especially females? Don't make it sound like you're attacking her, but it's definitely unusual for a married woman whose husband travels for business to cling to his best friends. It's legit to ask him this, even though it's basically none of your business (yet), BUT if he brings it up, twice, he wants to talk about it anyways, so I wouldn't be worried about requesting TMI.

[TigerCub]

playing games..........weird thing to tell a date...i would feel unsure too if it were me...ask him directly......let him know it makes you feel strange.....just be honest...deb

 

Thank you!

So it's not just jaded old me.

 

phew!!!

 

I actually asked him when he mentioned that 'she texts me after the kid is asleep and asks me to come over' - I asked 'uhmm, so does her husband know?'

and he says 'of course, he's my best friend'

 

I dunno, it just seems so off.

[TigerCub]

She seems to be somehow important enough in his life that he feels like talking about her. He's either flattered by her craving his attention, or he has a crush on her, or he wants to bring it up because he wants a reaction from you. Ask him why she needs his attention/interaction. Doesn't she have any other friends, especially females? Don't make it sound like you're attacking her, but it's definitely unusual for a married woman whose husband travels for business to cling to his best friends. It's legit to ask him this, even though it's basically none of your business (yet), BUT if he brings it up, twice, he wants to talk about it anyways, so I wouldn't be worried about requesting TMI.

 

Thanks Minnie,

 

that part in bold is totally what I thought. He's the husband's best friend, not hers - and usually moms hang out with other moms and they get their interaction that way. I dunno.

 

I do think that if there is no affair going on, he at least has a crush on her or something. And I honestly don't care, we had 1 date, I just don't want to go into a situation with someone that's shady.

[TigerCub]

It's very odd.

 

I would have flat out asked "are you telling me you have sex with her?"

 

Maybe they cheat together, maybe they are swingers and he wants his friend to sleep with you, or the four of you guys to get together.

 

I would stop seeing him if you're not into open relationships.

 

Feel free to flat out ask him. So what's with you and your friends wife I want to know?

 

We have date #2 tomorrow and it may very well be the last. I think I will ask - he'll probably bring her up again - so that will provide the opportunity

 

The first thing I thought of is that they are cheating and he's telling me how 'he spends the whole day' now, in case our dates lead to a relationship (that way he can say that he mentioned that he does that from the get go).

oyi.

 

Yeah, I'm gonna go with my gut.

[Minnie09]

I don't think they're swingers. I just think going over to her house, because she asks him to, is what he does and he likes it. I'm sure there's some inappropriate EA going on, and the fact that the H is informed and OK with it means that he has no clue. Your date knows something's weird, can't put his finger on it, because there hasn't been any sex, but for some reason he feels attracted to her attention......so he wants to brag about it a little bit. And he feels the need to talk about it, because that person is important to him, one way or another.

[TigerCub]

I don't think they're swingers. I just think going over to her house, because she asks him to, is what he does and he likes it. I'm sure there's some inappropriate EA going on, and the fact that the H is informed and OK with it means that he has no clue. Your date knows something's weird, can't put his finger on it, because there hasn't been any sex, but for some reason he feels attracted to her attention......so he wants to brag about it a little bit. And he feels the need to talk about it, because that person is important to him, one way or another.

 

That could actually be a very likely possibility.

I automatically assumed physical affair, but yeah an EA is something that's possible and it would make him feel wanted and needed and special, and hence, he can't help but bring it up.

 

Still stinks.

But good point Minnie

[TigerCub]

It's probably not just an EA. Either way he's testing you to see if you're cool with it. Some women would actually become more attracted to a man up to bad behavior.

 

Well he's be wrong to think I'm cool with it.

I'm calling him out on it tomorrow.

 

I don't have patience for sketchy people.

 

Thanks T3h

[TigerCub]

Thanks everyone for your replies.

 

I appreciate your input, and I'm mostly happy about the fact that it's not just me being jaded and suspicious. I'm gonna go with my instincts on this one.

[It's Just Me]

What a strange thing to reveal on a first date. The sketchiness is making me itch! LOL I am extremely averse to drama in relationships and life in general. This is one that would make me run for the hills.

[TigerCub]

Would you want to keep seeing him if he says ok I won't see my friends wife alone anymore only when he's there too? Personally if I was in the reverse situation I might be done. Though a genuine agreement to not spend alone time with guys might make me like the girl again. Although I might be done. Really depends. I certainly wouldn't go forward if this is what some one does.

 

Honestly I don't think so. I dunno.

It seems like it's way too much crap from the start.

 

I don't want to police anyone or make them change what they do and how they do it. So I dunno. If he volunteered that and said that he wouldn't see her, maybe I'd consider it, but the thing is, if it is an affair of some sort - then I just don't want to be involved in any way (affairs, especially emotional ones, don't just end because someone at some point thought, ok I should stop - people don't stop that easily).

[TigerCub]

What a strange thing to reveal on a first date. The sketchiness is making me itch! LOL I am extremely averse to drama in relationships and life in general. This is one that would make me run for the hills.

 

Thank you for confirming my initial reaction

 

It is freakin weird!!

[TigerCub]

You don't need to go on a second date haha

 

That's true. But I agreed to it before coming on here to confirm my suspicions.

It's supposed to be tomorrow.

 

Do you think I should just call him and cancel tonight then?

Or would that just make me look like a flaky girl that everyone on here complains about.

[TigerCub]

It would look flaky if he wants to see it that way. You should cancel though. He won't be any happier if he spends time with you only to have your rejecting him the entire time. That would actually be worse.

 

Good point.

[It's Just Me]

I'd cancel, no question about it. Especially if he was going to be spending any kind of money for the date. Just be honest: "Thanks for the invite for tomorrow. On second thought, I'm not feeling it, to be honest, and I don't want to waste your time. It was great to meet you - good luck!"

[Speakingofwhich]

Voting for cancel, too! Such poor judgment, even if intentions of both are pure! Expect poor judgment in other areas of his life if a relationship develops w/him.

[TigerCub]

I just called my sis to get her take on it and see if she thought this was shady.

 

At first she didn't, she gave and example of friends her and her husband have,and she was like 'if my husband was off for business and ryan (the guy they are friends with) wanted to come over and hang out and keep me company, I'd totally expect it, and it would be cool, we're all like a family' (but they all knew each other since high school)

 

so that confuses me now.

 

I can see it from that perspective.

 

But in this guy's case her husband is gone a lot and it just comes off as too lonely housewife-ish.

 

I hate being confused like this.

[aussietigerwolf]

I'm usually for following your gut but if you're confused then give him the 3rd degree.

[xxoo]

I can see your sister's side, and yours.

 

Just put it out there and ask him. His reaction will probably tell you all you need to know. At least ask him before assuming it is sketchy.

[It's Just Me]

But in this guy's case her husband is gone a lot and it just comes off as too lonely housewife-ish.

 

I hate being confused like this.

 

I think what's tripping your sketch-o-meter (and mine) is the fact that he brings this up ON YOUR FIRST DATE. This tells me that it's a huge part of his life, and that he thinks about it a lot, or something's just not right with the dynamic and there is definitely something sketchy going on.

 

In the past, anyone who tripped my spidey sense with a story like this (or something else that was odd), did not get to see me a second time. I felt that I did not need the future aggravation of:

 

"Wanna see a movie tonight?"

 

"Can't. I'm heading over to my best friend's place. His wife called, the kids are in bed, and she wants some adult interaction."

 

Yeah, no thanks.

[TigerCub]

I'm usually for following your gut but if you're confused then give him the 3rd degree.

 

I can see your sister's side, and yours.

 

Just put it out there and ask him. His reaction will probably tell you all you need to know. At least ask him before assuming it is sketchy.

 

It is because I can see it both ways now, that I think I'll still go on the 2nd date - if he brings her up - that's definitely a sign that he thinks about her a lot.

 

Even if he doesn't, I'm gonna ask questions to see how long they have all been friends (because if it is a long time, like in my sister's case, then I can see it).

 

I will ask more question to get his reaction and gauge his sketch-o-meter.

 

Thanks

[TigerCub]

I think what's tripping your sketch-o-meter (and mine) is the fact that he brings this up ON YOUR FIRST DATE. This tells me that it's a huge part of his life, and that he thinks about it a lot, or something's just not right with the dynamic and there is definitely something sketchy going on.

 

In the past, anyone who tripped my spidey sense with a story like this (or something else that was odd), did not get to see me a second time. I felt that I did not need the future aggravation of:

 

"Wanna see a movie tonight?"

 

"Can't. I'm heading over to my best friend's place. His wife called, the kids are in bed, and she wants some adult interaction."

 

Yeah, no thanks.

 

I really though his mentioning it on the first date was an attempt to showcase how he's a good friend and likes kids - I didn't mind the first date mention since we were trying to get to know each other about family & friends, etc.

 

It's bringing it up the next time we called that set off my spidey sense.

 

I totally get what you're saying It's Just Me, and it is that aspect of having the best friend's wife visits, and the whole possible sketchy-ness.

 

But I guess I could give it the second date to get more answers.

 

Oh and I do plan on paying for our activity - so even if I decide not to see him after that, he wouldn't have spent more money anyways.

 

Thanks