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Grooming

solostand

By solostand
in The Other Man / Woman

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solostand Established Member

solostand

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Has any other OW noticed their MM sort of grooming them to be a "good girlfriend" by the things they say.

 

Since I found LS, I have been doing some very deep thinking about how to get out of my relationship but alas, as of today I am still in it. But once you learn something you can never un-learn it and I have learned a lot here.

 

Anyway, yesterday, my MM and I were joking about a mutual acquaintance that he told me he once had a big crush on.

 

Then he said something like "She would have been very high maintenance."

 

I said I was very high maintenance. He said I was but I was manageable and came with a lot of benefits. It was almost like he was saying "you're a good little girlfriend who doesn't cause any waves".

 

Today he advised one of his friends got caught cheating because the woman he cheated with told everyone about it. He said something to the effect that some women are EVIL, which to me meant "you're a good little girlfriend because you would never tell."

 

Then we were in a deep conversation about our emotional bond, which is very strong. I said something like "don't you find it sad, the situation we're in."

 

He said "Is there not joy in this relationship? Do we not experience happiness and love? We might as well look at the glass as half-full!"

 

This I take to mean "you're a good little girlfriend don't rock the boat"

 

But I want a full glass, and that is what I am working toward. . .

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Minnie09 Established Member

Minnie09

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Well then, good luck!

Given his statements on affairs and girlfriends, he doesn't seem to want anything else than what he is getting from you now. And, most of all, he doesn't seem like he wants to be anything different than an A partner and won't give anymore than what he's giving right now. You're interpreting his words correctly. He's telling you exactly what his reality and his ideas are like. Don't try to read anything else into it. You got it.

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thefooloftheyear Established Member

thefooloftheyear

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This isnt about him...Its about you...

 

Hes just going along with what you allow...He has nothing really to lose...You said he's not in it for the sex, so he will have absolutely no problem replacing you with someone else....Many people are hurting financially and would be more than happy to provide companionship, a fresh cooked homemade meal, and, if need be...some sex...

 

You have to want to change that aspect for yourself...Dont expect him to...He'll be content to do this until he's pushing daisies..

 

TFY

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Speakingofwhich Established Member

Speakingofwhich

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Great to read these thoughts, Solo! You are thinking smart on this journey!

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solostand Established Member

solostand

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I also spent a lot of time today thinking about the "reality" of actually having him full time.

 

I don't think I would like it, actually. I think the relationship would become mundane, and despite how we tell each other we are best friends and tell each other everything and support each other emotionally and have excellent conversations and are almost EXACTLY THE SAME PERSON because we finish each others sentences - it does not dismiss the fact that he is a liar because he is lying to his wife. . .so ergo he could by lying to me.

 

And I have heard him disparage his wife so what would stop him disparaging me?

 

I once asked him if his wife trusted him. He said "Would YOU trust me? She knows me". She has caught him cheating before and went to the OWs house and it was just a one-night stand.

 

I stupidly said "I would actually trust you right now but I can see how she wouldn't trust you."

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

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This I take to mean "you're a good little girlfriend don't rock the boat"

 

But I want a full glass, and that is what I am working toward. .

 

Full glass as in him leave his wife and be with you? or that he sees you as his 'full' girlfriend and not half full? Sorry not sure which one you meant.

 

From what you've said, it sounds like he is just happy having the A with you and enjoying it for what it is. An affair. I take it you want more though as time goes on.

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solostand Established Member

solostand

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Full glass as in him leave his wife and be with you? or that he sees you as his 'full' girlfriend and not half full? Sorry not sure which one you meant.

 

From what you've said, it sounds like he is just happy having the A with you and enjoying it for what it is. An affair. I take it you want more though as time goes on.

 

 

Full glass as in getting him out of my life and getting someone in who truly deserves me and can be there 100 per cent. Even if that's only myself.

 

p.s. when he said his friend was caught cheating, I told him to tell his friend to COME CLEAN IMMEDIATLY confess all, and no trickle truth. I said the truth will come out eventually and the more he lies to her the more hurt she'll be. I learned that on this forum!

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Speakingofwhich Established Member

Speakingofwhich

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You are wising up, Solo! Keep it up, you'll win this one! Go Solo!

 

(For those who think I'm encouraging her to end up with MM, think again! And read her comments again!)

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solostand Established Member

solostand

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Am I imagining this or what? I think my MM is sensing the change in my attitude and has all of a sudden ramped up his game, even being a little clingy.

 

Yesterday he called at his usual time in the a.m. and said "I'm working doing this and that," I knew he was working. He said "I'm not gonna make it to Town (my place) today." I said "OK", all cheery like. He said "I might or might not be able to call you this afternoon," and I said "OK" all cheery like. Then he goes "Aw, at least TELL ME YOU MISS ME so I'll feel better." So I did the little boy dance "aww honey, you know I miss you et cetera".

 

So he phones four more times that day. During those calls, he indicated that he is in love with me, he has never been in love before, he gets lonely for me and thinks of me all the time, he can't believe that he has a wife and an adult son at home and his house is full of people but he is lonely. For me.

 

I said "because I listen to you! That's why you're lonely. No one else will listen to you!"

 

Anyway, he was deeply in the affair fog and even started a little future faking as in talking about selling out his share of the company et cetera and complaining that he can't believe this happened to him at age 64 - why didn't it happen years ago so it would have been easier to leave!

 

I did my good little girlfriend duty and soothed his poor ego and made him feel like a man again, then I came on here and read my story over and over again. . .and continued to detach.

Speakingofwhich Established Member

Speakingofwhich

Posted
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Am I imagining this or what? I think my MM is sensing the change in my attitude and has all of a sudden ramped up his game, even being a little clingy. No, you're not imagining it.

 

Yesterday he called at his usual time in the a.m. and said "I'm working doing this and that," I knew he was working. He said "I'm not gonna make it to Town (my place) today." I said "OK", all cheery like. He said "I might or might not be able to call you this afternoon," and I said "OK" all cheery like. Then he goes "Aw, at least TELL ME YOU MISS ME so I'll feel better." So I did the little boy dance "aww honey, you know I miss you et cetera".

 

So he phones four more times that day. During those calls, he indicated that he is in love with me, he has never been in love before, he gets lonely for me and thinks of me all the time, he can't believe that he has a wife and an adult son at home and his house is full of people but he is lonely. For me.

 

I said "because I listen to you! That's why you're lonely. No one else will listen to you!"

 

Anyway, he was deeply in the affair fog and even started a little future faking as in talking about selling out his share of the company et cetera and complaining that he can't believe this happened to him at age 64 - why didn't it happen years ago so it would have been easier to leave! It seems to me most of these MM generally think it would be easier to D at a different time than the present and in different circumstances than their own.

 

I did my good little girlfriend duty and soothed his poor ego and made him feel like a man again, then I came on here and read my story over and over again. . .and continued to detach. Great that you continued to detach! You are making progress!

 

:):):):):):):):):):)

carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted
Has any other OW noticed their MM sort of grooming them to be a "good girlfriend" by the things they say.

 

About the only thing I noted was MW's seem to 'groom' prospective partners for servicing their particular needs, whether sexual or emotional. In my case it was mostly emotional. This was indicated by the confluence of both their complaints about their M's as well as the positive reinforcement of desired behaviors in the OM, with just enough ambiguity to leave the door open to misunderstanding.

 

As a MM, I simply wanted an equal partner; someone with modicum of interest in and understanding of/empathy for my life and times, so was giving what I wanted. How it played out reinforced the observations of a generation prior. Some personality types default to 'grooming' and this one (fMW/fOW) apparently did. This realization helped in the disconnection process, with acceptance of those behaviors as incompatible leading the way.

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solostand Established Member

solostand

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When he called this morning, he pointed out we spent three hours on the phone yesterday.

 

After telling me he can't see me today, he said "can I call you this afternoon?" like he always does.

 

But this time I said "No".

 

He was surprised and said "NO?" I said, "No, I don't think so." So he stuttered that he would call me in the morning if he was allowed I said bye and hung up. . .

 

As far as I am concerned I had "plans" this afternoon that did not include stroking a senior citizen's ego over his car phone.

 

I was tempted to tell him to call his wife later when he feels "lonely" in his car or truck.

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