Mess continues

[vixee]

I am posting here after a long time as I can use some advice if anyone can give any.

Here is the link to my first thread here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/364423-my-situation

 

I have been NC with OM for a while but then he started visiting my workplace again in July, we did not speak with each other and looked the other way. I have come to know that his wife is expecting an unexpected child soon. That's less than nine month of our affair, it did bothered me but I know it shouldn't. My problems are two:

 

1. Me, my H and OM knows what happened between us and his W has no clue still . I contemplated sending her email, asked H to tell her but he refused. I asked OM to tell his wife otherwise I will tell her to which he said if you blow off covers then I will blow them off everywhere. That was a threat that worked, I do not want some of my colleagues to know. I did not show that I was afraid so I sent his W a text asking her to meet me she said sure lets plan something but I did not plan anything with her and never contacted her and neither did she.

 

2. Ever since A ended I have been trying to build relationship with my H. I am not sure what should I do to fix everything but it feels like he is not attracted anymore, he never say he loves me or makes me feel special and we haven't had sex for a really long time. I am worried if I have entered into sexless marriage zone. He is not up for counselling of any type. He never complains about anything as such either. When I ask him if anything is wrong he says, No. I have done following to fix things, we go out for dinner and movies, I have joined gym and toned up as he always wanted, I wear dresses that he likes and I try to cook his fav dishes. I never ask for help with kids unless he himself offers, I do little things like send him sweet texts or tea in bed, he likes that. But he never reciprocates, he never replies to my texts! I did ask him once if A is still on his mind, he refuses, he says it wasn't entirely my fault that guy is a jerk and that if he ever get in touch then I let him handle it.

 

What should I do? Am I trying to hard? There is a limit to how much I can do without any response.

Edited September 1, 2013 by vixee

[road]

You need to get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

 

You need to get a new job where you will never see the OM. You seeing the OM is not having NC.

 

Read that book and learn how to recover. Leave it around for BH to read as well.

 

Since dday what have you done to block OM from contacting you?

 

What have you done so your BH can verify NC?

 

What have you done to work at repairing the trust? (hint still seeing the OM at work is not helping)?

[vixee]

You need to get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

 

You need to get a new job where you will never see the OM. You seeing the OM is not having NC.

 

Read that book and learn how to recover. Leave it around for BH to read as well.

 

Since dday what have you done to block OM from contacting you?

 

What have you done so your BH can verify NC?

 

What have you done to work at repairing the trust? (hint still seeing the OM at work is not helping)?

 

Blocked his number, blocked him from all networking sites. I avoid going to places where I can meet him.

 

We have similar specialised field. I am settled in my job from 8 years, he should change his job why should I ruin my career? Does it not bothers him or breaks his NC. Changing job is not an option. He is around temporary and will go away.

 

I don't read books much and we don't talk about A anymore but will check this one out. Thanks.

[RAN65]

 

2. Ever since A ended I have been trying to build relationship with my H. I am not sure what should I do to fix everything but it feels like he is not attracted anymore, he never say he loves me or makes me feel special and we haven't had sex for a really long time.

 

You should make him feel " SPECIAL ", because you had the A not him.

 

It would take long time probably 2 - 3 years for him to heel, until such time you should be taking all the load on you to make him feel "SPECIAL".

Edited September 2, 2013 by RAN65

[zum1]

Not trying to defend OP but isn't OM better off by not telling his wife and this poor thing is dealing with so much for being honest? She did not even sleep with him, if I am correct and he is sleeping around but she is in mess whereas he is all right!!

 

Not fair.

[dichotomy]

I skimmed through the thread. Lets see if I got some of the highlights

 

- Your were madly in love with OM.... "OM has my lovey texts + emails, I have what he sent me but I am so sure that H won't be able to handle it if he knew the whole truth!"

 

- You for a period of time said you pushed away or cut your husband (sex, emotions) while you had these feelings.

 

- You almost had sex with OM, but did not - due to reasons other than your feelings for or about your husband (religion/moral?). So this was a short but intense emotional affair.

 

- You husband has met the OM/MM.

 

- This happened near the end of last year - and into the beginning of this year?

 

 

Now your husband knows some of this (I assume he did not get to read your emails and texts or OM) and is distant, removed, and does not have sex with you. He is not mean or angry - just isolated? And you think that by making him meals, taking on lions share of home/child care, improving your appearance, he is going to be over this in 6-8 months? It was clear from your posts that OM was in your heart as alpha male - I think your husband feels this deeply.

 

Many times these things take years to resolve - with lots of talking and/or counseling. My current marriage therapist has a couple in which the husband cheated 25 years ago - and they still have hurts over it occasionally and need help.

Edited September 2, 2013 by dichotomy

[road]

We have similar specialised field. I am settled in my job from 8 years, he should change his job why should I ruin my career? Does it not bothers him or breaks his NC. Changing job is not an option. He is around temporary and will go away.

 

 

You are right changing a job is not an option. It is mandatory. Brought about you banging the OM. It is known as facing the consequences. When you started your affair you knew all the fallout that could happen if you got caught.

 

You made a value judgment and said the price to be paid is worth it so you dropped your pants for the OM.

 

This continued contact has stalled your BH's recovery. Sad that you place more value on your job then you do for your BH, family, and marriage.

 

No work place exposure mean there is no reason for the OM to go away. OM are patient men. They know they got some and will wait for ever because they know that when a woman slips once there is a good, no, very good chance they will slip again.

[whatatangledweb]

Why do you want to tell his wife? Is it because you think she deserves to know or is it because you want to get back at the MM ? You want to consider the fallout if you decide to do this. There may be none or it may be massive .

 

This may be a deal breaker for your husband. He may have pulled away from you in order to protect himself emotionally. You need to talk to him and have him tell you what he needs from you. The pain for a BS after finding out about an affair is heartbreaking. You question everything about your marriage . You look back to see if they were acting differently while in the affair. You blame yourself. Depression, anxiety, fear, pain...all part of the package for a BS.

[Artie Lang]

was this an EA, PA, or both?

[vixee]

Not trying to defend OP but isn't OM better off by not telling his wife and this poor thing is dealing with so much for being honest? She did not even sleep with him, if I am correct and he is sleeping around but she is in mess whereas he is all right!!

 

Not fair.

 

I do feel a lot of times that I should have kept quite. Telling is not helping me with anything.

[vixee]

I skimmed through the thread. Lets see if I got some of the highlights

 

- Your were madly in love with OM.... "OM has my lovey texts + emails, I have what he sent me but I am so sure that H won't be able to handle it if he knew the whole truth!"

 

- You for a period of time said you pushed away or cut your husband (sex, emotions) while you had these feelings.

 

- You almost had sex with OM, but did not - due to reasons other than your feelings for or about your husband (religion/moral?). So this was a short but intense emotional affair.

 

- You husband has met the OM/MM.

 

- This happened near the end of last year - and into the beginning of this year?

 

 

Now your husband knows some of this (I assume he did not get to read your emails and texts or OM) and is distant, removed, and does not have sex with you. He is not mean or angry - just isolated? And you think that by making him meals, taking on lions share of home/child care, improving your appearance, he is going to be over this in 6-8 months? It was clear from your posts that OM was in your heart as alpha male - I think your husband feels this deeply.

 

Many times these things take years to resolve - with lots of talking and/or counseling. My current marriage therapist has a couple in which the husband cheated 25 years ago - and they still have hurts over it occasionally and need help.

 

You have correctly extracted the information. Thanks for paying attention to this.

 

H is not reacting to affair, its something that was going wrong in my marriage even before A started and now has gone for a complete toss. He never used to make me feel special anyway but OM used to a lot. H has no desire to have sex whereas OM was up for it all the time (for whatever reason)!! I am concerned that if all this continues then I may stop putting anymore effort and may end up being with OM, and this time not expecting any commitments from him. Affair has changed something in me. OM is not trying to connect with me because of all the fights and noise it created but H's behaviour is making me long for all the love I can get from him. I am honestly feeling that way but I won't look back, my conscience won't approve me to repeat what mistakes I made, all over again. There was just too much hurt and remorse.

 

I wish things get better with H soon. He is not up for counselling.

 

The reason I say that H is not reacting to affair is because he himself said that he is mad at OM and he knows I won't let any other man touch me without having a legitimate relationship with him even if he was not in my life or I was single. He knows me too well that way and is not thinking about affair anymore.

[vixee]

You are right changing a job is not an option. It is mandatory. Brought about you banging the OM. It is known as facing the consequences. When you started your affair you knew all the fallout that could happen if you got caught.

 

You made a value judgment and said the price to be paid is worth it so you dropped your pants for the OM.

 

This continued contact has stalled your BH's recovery. Sad that you place more value on your job then you do for your BH, family, and marriage.

 

No work place exposure mean there is no reason for the OM to go away. OM are patient men. They know they got some and will wait for ever because they know that when a woman slips once there is a good, no, very good chance they will slip again.

 

I did not sleep with OM.

 

OM is not trying to contact me, we had a massive fight .

[vixee]

Why do you want to tell his wife? Is it because you think she deserves to know or is it because you want to get back at the MM ? You want to consider the fallout if you decide to do this. There may be none or it may be massive .

 

This may be a deal breaker for your husband. He may have pulled away from you in order to protect himself emotionally. You need to talk to him and have him tell you what he needs from you. The pain for a BS after finding out about an affair is heartbreaking. You question everything about your marriage . You look back to see if they were acting differently while in the affair. You blame yourself. Depression, anxiety, fear, pain...all part of the package for a BS.

 

I, H & OM know, so she should know. I have been trying to figure a way to tell her also because I have seen OM being flirty with OW.

 

My H does not talks about A anymore and strictly do not want me to talk or think about it. He will be very cross if he came to know that I am still thinking about things related to it.

[vixee]

was this an EA, PA, or both?

 

What's EA and PA?

[shakenandstirred]

EA = EMOTIONAL AFFAIR ( intimate emotions shared with someone other than your spouse or companion)

 

PA = PHYSICAL AFFAIR ( kissing, hugging, groping, but mostly refers to having sex)

[vixee]

EA = EMOTIONAL AFFAIR ( intimate emotions shared with someone other than your spouse or companion)

 

PA = PHYSICAL AFFAIR ( kissing, hugging, groping, but mostly refers to having sex)

 

 

Thanks ! For me it was 100% EA. for him it was both he kissed me a lot of times but I used to get away. Did not hug much. No sex.

[shakenandstirred]

Thanks ! For me it was 100% EA. for him it was both he kissed me a lot of times but I used to get away. Did not hug much. No sex.

Did you enjoy the kissing? Because you were a participant in the kissing, whether you enjoyed it or not, it makes it a PA ( no sex) for you too.

[vixee]

Did you enjoy the kissing? Because you were a participant in the kissing, whether you enjoyed it or not, it makes it a PA ( no sex) for you too.

 

I did not reciprocate to that. But he still used to kiss a lot! I did liked him kissing me and always used to think I will do it too next time but I can't kiss a man who is probably kissing someone else! He used to say if you kiss me once I will never kiss anyone else ever again! It was hard for me to believe so I never did.

 

But EA or PA how does it matter in this context ?

[road]

EA = EMOTIONAL AFFAIR ( intimate emotions shared with someone other than your spouse or companion)

 

PA = PHYSICAL AFFAIR ( kissing, hugging, groping, but mostly refers to having sex)

 

 

Not intimate emotions. Sharing of personal information, issues, interests, problems, that should only be shared with a spouse, parent, child. Not maintaining proper distance. Too much sharing.

 

Which leads to a emotional relationship.

[Betterthanthis13]

Why do you want to stay married to your husband?

[harrybrown]

When you cheat and give your heart to another, you tear up your spouse. There may be problems in your marriage, but the affair and the following disaster is on you alone. If you are going to cheat again, you should divorce first. However, think about how you would feel if your husband had the affair and not you. If he had a PA and an EA with someone else, how would you feel? Would you make him change his job and have no contact? How would you get over being plan B and that you were a backup plan? You do not get over that hurt for a long time. Some spouses think about it everyday for the rest of their lives and never get over the hurt. Were you thinking that you loved your husband when you had the affair and how hurt he would be? This is where you are now. He will not get over this without you making him feel like he is number one for a very long time. If he will not go to counseling, you should go, to see about boundaries and to see how you can help him with this deep pain.

[shakenandstirred]

I did not reciprocate to that. But he still used to kiss a lot! I did liked him kissing me and always used to think I will do it too next time but I can't kiss a man who is probably kissing someone else! He used to say if you kiss me once I will never kiss anyone else ever again! It was hard for me to believe so I never did.

 

But EA or PA how does it matter in this context ?

 

It matters that you let him kiss you.

[Darren Steez]

Blocked his number, blocked him from all networking sites. I avoid going to places where I can meet him.

We have similar specialised field. I am settled in my job from 8 years, he should change his job why should I ruin my career? Does it not bothers him or breaks his NC. Changing job is not an option. He is around temporary and will go away.

 

I don't read books much and we don't talk about A anymore but will check this one out. Thanks.

 

Absolutely why should you?

 

It is that job where you likely met and started the affair, it is that job that still brings you into contact with him.

 

And you wonder why your husband is so stand offish?

[vixee]

Absolutely why should you?

 

It is that job where you likely met and started the affair, it is that job that still brings you into contact with him.

 

And you wonder why your husband is so stand offish?

 

We don't meet that often, once in one or two months. He is in different company that partners with company that I work for. It can happen anywhere. And he used to talk about changing jobs, may be he will. I am certain I don't have to.

[vixee]

It matters that you let him kiss you.

 

I agree. I must admit that H or anyone else never kissed that passionately. It was difficult to willingly move out of this emotional affair which was also physical to some extent like you rightly said.