Jonno_S Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 Very whirlwind romance that was amazing. At the end she said that it's too fast, she has to concentrate on her career and she doesn't want to get hurt again. I think that was a nice way of saying that I wasn't the one. We didn't fight or anything toxic like that - if it was any one thing, I think it's that I am too old for her. Okay, I can accept that. But I would like to be her friend. Is that so wrong? I also think as close as we got - very strong connection - that she should at least have some contact with me - I said that I missed her in a text after the dump and she replied in a vague, non-caring way. I see people saying "keep no contact" and I wonder if that's the right thing. Is that such an important thing? I get that when you have to break up - when the relationship is just not good or right, but this was right (from my perspective) and she seemed to appear that it was right from her perspective while it was going on. Kind of feel ****ty just missing her. thanks in advance.
saltyfishhead666 Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 Hey Jonno I'm a Jonno too woohoo! No contact is the best idea right now at least until she figures out what she wants with you. She clearly likes you, but sometimes people get too scared by going too fast. Chin up x
tart6245 Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 Yep. Continuing contact will only hurt you even more than you're hurting now.
Author Jonno_S Posted September 1, 2013 Author Posted September 1, 2013 I liked your name! - wondered where that came from. Thank you. I am pretty sure she's done with me and I don't like the idea of harboring an unrealistic hope either, to be honest - but I do think that can be a coping mechanism. On balance, I think the girl was a flake in this sense: When I was sleeping next to her she whispered in my ear that she loved me (she thought I was sleeping) but who does that? Says that and then two days later hands the free trip to the dump ticket?
Author Jonno_S Posted September 1, 2013 Author Posted September 1, 2013 Yep. Continuing contact will only hurt you even more than you're hurting now. But why? I have other hurting break ups where it seemed to help. I remember Lorraine - smitten with her and saw her in school regularly. I would talk with her and then one day I just needed a hug, asked her, got it, and ran away feeling light as a feather. It was great. One gf I had was toxic, so that I could see why NC was better, but this was blissful. Amazing. Then chair kicked out and boom, Also, when you miss someone it kills not being able to just say that you miss them (like when a person dies). So why is no contact better?
saltyfishhead666 Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 But why? I have other hurting break ups where it seemed to help. I remember Lorraine - smitten with her and saw her in school regularly. I would talk with her and then one day I just needed a hug, asked her, got it, and ran away feeling light as a feather. It was great. One gf I had was toxic, so that I could see why NC was better, but this was blissful. Amazing. Then chair kicked out and boom, Also, when you miss someone it kills not being able to just say that you miss them (like when a person dies). So why is no contact better? No contact is better because although it was blissful to you it seams like she was scared. If we lose the one we care about scared or not and they are suddenly not there it makes them think **** I have to sort this and make it right. If she doesn't think that it means you'll be a nice chunk away from being heart broken and you'll be midst recovery. Make sense? Mummyjonno - mummy obvious - Jonno is because my surname is Johnson and Jonno tends to be the abbreviated version. You too??
Lokie Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 Emotions can be subtle and certainly different for everyone. My experience has proven to me that maintaining a friendship with a former romantic partner is nearly impossible and fraught with emotional turmoil. It's alluring because I'm usually grieving their daily presence in my life - and am lonely. It's really up to each individual couple (not only you, not only her), but it requires a great deal of honesty to really know what your motives are in remaining friends. When you take time apart or NC as it's called, you have a fighting chance of growing and moving on, IMHO.
Author Jonno_S Posted September 1, 2013 Author Posted September 1, 2013 No contact is better because although it was blissful to you it seams like she was scared. If we lose the one we care about scared or not and they are suddenly not there it makes them think **** I have to sort this and make it right. If she doesn't think that it means you'll be a nice chunk away from being heart broken and you'll be midst recovery. Make sense? Mummyjonno - mummy obvious - Jonno is because my surname is Johnson and Jonno tends to be the abbreviated version. You too?? Yes, makes sense, kind of. Except...and I hope this isn't a prevalent way of thinking: Once a girl dumped me and then later said she stayed away because I didn't fight hard enough to get her back. I was floored, stunned and amazed that someone would say that. I am not one who has to be told twice so if a girl tells me we're done, okay, I respect that. Jonno - short for Jonathan with me but both good!
tart6245 Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 But why? I have other hurting break ups where it seemed to help. I remember Lorraine - smitten with her and saw her in school regularly. I would talk with her and then one day I just needed a hug, asked her, got it, and ran away feeling light as a feather. It was great. One gf I had was toxic, so that I could see why NC was better, but this was blissful. Amazing. Then chair kicked out and boom, Also, when you miss someone it kills not being able to just say that you miss them (like when a person dies). So why is no contact better? Because it's the best way to heal. If the relationship is not going to be what you want, why do you want to hold on and pretend like it will be? It hurts terribly, but it will still hurt even if you pretend like nothing is wrong and carry on with your business. The person doesn't need to be told you miss them. They know that already. If they missed you too, they wouldn't put you through what they are doing. 1
tart6245 Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 Yes, makes sense, kind of. Except...and I hope this isn't a prevalent way of thinking: Once a girl dumped me and then later said she stayed away because I didn't fight hard enough to get her back. I was floored, stunned and amazed that someone would say that. I am not one who has to be told twice so if a girl tells me we're done, okay, I respect that. Jonno - short for Jonathan with me but both good! That's just games. Some girls LOVE being pursued and if a guy doesn't, or when they do and get them, the girl loses interest. You don't want to date someone who's always playing games with you. If she wanted to be with you, she shouldn't dump you and expect you to chase her. Is that the kind of person you want to be with? Ask yourself that. 1
saltyfishhead666 Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 Well that's just stupid. But that's a girl not a women. A women should know a relationship is 50/50 if you fight for it you both have to fight for it or else it won't work. That's just silly. If someone loves you, really loves you. They won't let a petty game get in the way of that. Your silly previous ex only hurt herself with her stupidity 1
Sugarkane Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 Yes, makes sense, kind of. Except...and I hope this isn't a prevalent way of thinking: Once a girl dumped me and then later said she stayed away because I didn't fight hard enough to get her back. I was floored, stunned and amazed that someone would say that. I am not one who has to be told twice so if a girl tells me we're done, okay, I respect that. Jonno - short for Jonathan with me but both good! This is what I don't understand about dumpers. Why is it if you do fight for them, you're labeled a psycho? If you don't they use that an excuse not to contact. What do they expect? They dumped us.
Author Jonno_S Posted September 15, 2013 Author Posted September 15, 2013 Because it's the best way to heal. If the relationship is not going to be what you want, why do you want to hold on and pretend like it will be? It hurts terribly, but it will still hurt even if you pretend like nothing is wrong and carry on with your business. The person doesn't need to be told you miss them. They know that already. If they missed you too, they wouldn't put you through what they are doing. I largely disagree with it being the "best way to heal." In fact, I think it's the cause of the pain. And I would never pretend that it's going to be what I want. That's absurd, I am not some delusional person kidding myself. No contact makes sense if the person is toxic, scum immoral etc. But if you're close to someone, I think it's pretty heartless and bad karma to just stop contacting, stop responding. I am friends with most of my exes. I would never treat someone like that. It turns what was special into something meaningless and it's a ****ty way to be.
Author Jonno_S Posted September 15, 2013 Author Posted September 15, 2013 This is what I don't understand about dumpers. Why is it if you do fight for them, you're labeled a psycho? If you don't they use that an excuse not to contact. What do they expect? They dumped us. Well I've only heard it once in my life so I have no idea. Sounds more like a pretext.
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