Has my husband made up his mind?

[BruceJ]

Hi,

 

 

My husband and I seperated 2 months ago.

I told him one of us had to go away for a couple of days.

I have been going thru a difficult year and wasn't always nice to him, couldn't see all of the sweet stuff he did for me. He was once again sweet and left.

He moved out and for about three weeks we saw each other almost every day.

We fought, had discussions but also shared very nice moments.

He needed to share his feelings and contacted a lot of family and friends.

Since I thought this was private a kept my mouth shut. Since everyone only heard one side of the story, some people were urging him to let me go.

 

 

We went to a relationship therapist and had a good session. We were supposed to go on vacation together with his parents but because of the situation I stayed home.

We had promised at the session to stay in touch on a daily basis.

We he came back I asked him why that was, he told me he needed space (then don't make the promise). He told me he was upset and didn't want to see me for a while, he really needed his space. I respected that.

Two weeks later I got a letter from his attorney saying he wants a divorce.

 

Looking at the date, it was the same day he had contacted my best friend to find out how I was doing. She told him he should be talking to me instead.

I was shocked to find out he wants a divorce.

I let his attorney know I didn't want a divorce so we'd have to go to court.

 

Now, he called my dad to let him know I didn't want the divorce that same day. He still hangs out with my family a lot. He stayed at my brother's for a while as well.

He only moved to another friend's house because my brother wanted his privacy again.

My husband promised my brother to move out and even looked at apartments, bur backed out in the end and went to stay with other friends.

 

A couple of days ago my husband emailed my dad again. Saying he doesn't want to talk to me personally. But that if I don't meet up with him and his attorney by the end of next week for a mutual agreement, they are going to court for a divorce. He knows I don't want the agreement? And again, why involve my dad? Also, his attorney should be contacting me for a meeting, you don't ask your father-in-law to deliver me that message, right?

 

I told the relationship therapist about my husband filing for divorce. She couldn't believe it. According to her he made that decision too soon. So she asked me to write my husband a letter. Which I did. I gave it to her, this was the day after he emailed my dad. She called him up, mentioned the letter and told my husband he could come and pick it up if he ever wanted to, that he didn't have to read it at all. He was there as fast as he could.

Apparently he only said filing for divorce was the most difficult decision he ever had to make in his life.

The relationship therapist told me later he had picked up the letter and she felt as if his mind said divorce, for whatever reason, but his heart is saying otherwise.

 

So, my husband wants a divorce. It was sudden and has left me in shock. We had problems in the months leading up to it, but we just had a really bad year. I know for sure there is no one else.

 

I just don't understand that when you file for divorce you keep on spending time with your partner's family. There are no kids.

Also, do not call your partner's best friend to check up on the day you file for divorce.

And if you want a meeting with the attorney, ask your attorney to take care of it, why should my dad have to tell me I need to call them to make an appointment?

 

I am keeping calm and will not contact him, as I promised a couple of weeks ago.

Although, I am sure it must be weird for him not hearing from me with an angry mail or text, after finding out he had filed for divorce.

 

Hopefully one day he'll change his mind, he's the love of my life.

 

 

Any ideas/tips?

 

B

[Balzac]

I let his attorney know I didn't want a divorce so we'd have to go to court

 

I've never heard of getting a divorce w/o "going to court"

 

 

I'd recommend you work out the most beneficial agreed settlement and move on. Sounds as if your stbexH tried but obstacles were too great. As I recall you insisted on the separation so it must have come to a crisis. No kids, he's moving on.

[BruceJ]

We live in Belgium, you can try and settle out of court first.

 

It's just seems strange to me.

He never said anything in the past. Only when I suggested separating

for a little bit, he started telling me how I felt.

We had great conversations, only after he went on vacation with his parents, he stopped talking to me.

 

If he's moving on,he should leave my family alone.

And why do I have to contact his attorney, they should be contacting me if they want to talk.

[Balzac]

It's useless for LSers not knowledgeable about law in your country to offer you feedback. Best suggestion is to consult w your own attorney who can explain to you your stnexH's attorney likely cannot initiate calls to you. In most countries that would be against professional ethics.

[Woggle]

When you tell a man to go away he takes that as you wanting to leave him for good.

[BruceJ]

I specifically told him it would be best to spend a couple of days apart so we could both take the time to think and not fight for a little bit. To cool off.

 

Sorry to reply to Balzac in this post as well, but didn't see a reply button:

His attorney sent me a letter to let me know my husband wanted a divorce.

So if they want to talk, he can always send me a letter.

[Balzac]

I'm aware that seems logical to you. However it may be against rules. His attorney represents his client - not you. What's logical in lay people land is often not possible in legal land.

[BruceJ]

I will find out tomorrow, will call my attorney.

It just seems weird they first sent a letter to ask me to

contact them, and now they cannot contact me?

It just seems weird my husband has to ask my dad, or me

for example, to contact his attorney. What if my dad hadn't

told me or would have pretended he never got the email?

 

If there is no official letter to take things to the next step,

then where could things ever go?

[Balzac]

In most civil actions, a courtesy lawyer letter can be sent. It's not a mandatory thing though.

 

I'd tend to interpret the communication W your father as an attempt to garner support for you. To maybe encourage your cooperation. Your family plays along w him by listening and then passing messages. It's easy enough for you to tell your family members to cease telling you what your stbexH is saying, doing or asking them to do. Stop fueling that fire.

[BruceJ]

It doesn't matter, we have to go to court anyway.

In the end I will get a mandatory letter so that will be fine.

 

I'm not fueling any fire reg. family. I do not ask them to stop

having contact with him or anything. We're all adults. That's why

I am surprised my ex cannot just email me himself.

 

Thank you for your opinion, I never looked at it that way before.