Your views on trust and privacy in a relationship?

[Des]

This is a topic I am a bit conflicted about.

 

It would seem as though people are often faced with ridicule and told they're in the wrong for ever displaying the slightest bit of doubt, or curiosity into their SO's private life. But my question is, should your SO ever have a private life in which you are shut out of in the first place? Forgive me for thinking no. To me, a great relationship is one of total transparency. One where you never keep things from your SO. When you hide things, I think naturally people will pick up the scent. They'll know they're being kept in the dark about something, and they will become curious if not distrustful depending on what they've been through in the past.

 

What I don't get is why people are made out as in the wrong for not trusting the untrustworthy? What about the party that gave them a reason to doubt in the first place? The one who needs to build a wall around themselves that even the closest people to them are not allow to see over. To me that seems like a person you just cannot trust, and you shouldn't be expected to. They want to hide things. To me that is very unattractive, and always puts doubt in my mind.

 

Personally I am against those with the view point that you're entitled to a private world that excludes your SO's knowing of. What is so bad about being completely open and hiding nothing? Why do people side more often with those who are distrusted rather than those who are untrustworthy?

Edited September 1, 2013 by Des

[Keenly]

I 100 % believe in having your own things. Not necessarily completely hiding them, but for example :

 

I tell her, hey, every few days or so, I hang out with some guy friends.

 

 

What I'm not going to tell her is what we do or talk about, because its really none if her business.

 

 

People are entitled to their privacy. You can't micro manage your SO because they will be driven away faster than a Lamborghini with the keys in the ignition.

 

 

You said why do people get mad at you for not trusting the untrustworthy, well there is your problem right there. Everyone is automatically untrustworthy in your eyes.

 

 

As to your question about people building walls and the people closest to them being in the outside. The people I have allowed to be close to me, with the exception of 4 friends and my parents, have all hurt me, and hurt me badly. I don't know about you but this is not a pleasant experience to me. So I build walls to keep myself from getting hurt.

 

 

You know what breaks these walls down? Water. Water is patient. Never ending. Gentle. Soft and smooth. Slowly the wall erodes away. And then its gone.

[Des]

I 100 % believe in having your own things. Not necessarily completely hiding them, but for example :

 

I tell her, hey, every few days or so, I hang out with some guy friends.

 

 

What I'm not going to tell her is what we do or talk about, because its really none if her business.

 

 

People are entitled to their privacy. You can't micro manage your SO because they will be driven away faster than a Lamborghini with the keys in the ignition.

 

 

You said why do people get mad at you for not trusting the untrustworthy, well there is your problem right there. Everyone is automatically untrustworthy in your eyes.

 

 

As to your question about people building walls and the people closest to them being in the outside. The people I have allowed to be close to me, with the exception of 4 friends and my parents, have all hurt me, and hurt me badly. I don't know about you but this is not a pleasant experience to me. So I build walls to keep myself from getting hurt.

 

 

You know what breaks these walls down? Water. Water is patient. Never ending. Gentle. Soft and smooth. Slowly the wall erodes away. And then its gone.

 

I don't think -everybody- is automatically untrustworthy. But if my SO told me "what I'm doing is none of your business", that would be a red flag for sure. I would start thinking at that point. I'm not always going to pry, but I do want to know if I'm curious and you should have no problem divulging. Micromanaging is different from simply being open. I have no intention of micromanaging.

 

But I don't think I'd settle for just "I'm going to go hang out" without explanation. I at least expect to know where, with whom and what for. To me, that's normal. It's just normal to share that kind of information. It seems kind of dysfunctional not to and not to care about it. That is too disjointed and impersonal, we are not roommates, we are committed. If I am treated like a roommate, something is wrong.

 

When someone keeps something from you, they are pretty much untrustworthy in my eyes. And yes, it does make me wonder especially if they are telling me to stay out of their business. They should have no problem sharing their business, should the subject come up.

[Keenly]

I don't think -everybody- is automatically untrustworthy. But if my SO told me "what I'm doing is none of your business", that would be a red flag for sure. I would start thinking at that point. I'm not always going to pry, but I do want to know if I'm curious and you should have no problem divulging. Micromanaging is different from simply being open. I have no intention of micromanaging.

 

But I don't think I'd settle for just "I'm going to go hang out" without explanation. I at least expect to know where, with whom and what for. To me, that's normal. It's just normal to share that kind of information. It seems kind of dysfunctional not to and not to care about it. That is too disjointed and impersonal, we are not roommates, we are committed. If I am treated like a roommate, something is wrong.

 

When someone keeps something from you, they are pretty much untrustworthy in my eyes. And yes, it does make me wonder especially if they are telling me to stay out of their business. They should have no problem sharing their business, should the subject come up.

 

 

If they do not automatically tell you these things, do you then demand that they do? Are you a spouse or are you a prison guard?

[veggirl]

Actively hiding things is a lot different than expecting the basic respect of privacy. For example, I don't go through my bf's phone because I respect his privacy, not because he is HIDING something. If I thought he was hiding something then yes I agree he should answer any/all questions I have. I think you are being rather extreme, I mean what do you mean by hide nothing? If I get a text am I to read it aloud to my bf? Or is he allowed to just ask what every beep on my phone is from just to be sure I'm not hiding anything? If someone is that paranoid, I'm not interested in dating them.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I expect privacy for my phone, my facebook etc. although I'd have no issues with a partner knowing the password/code for those things. If I found out they'd ever used it to snoop, without good reason, I'd be furious and upset.

 

I make a point of leaving my unlocked phone around my bf when I am out of the room because I trust him not to snoop through it. I have private conversations with friends, who often disclose difficult personal issues to me that they wouldn't want sharing with a guy I'm dating, and if a boyfriend didn't trust that those conversations were kosher and I maintained fidelity I would question why we were together at all.

[crederer]

I agree with your post for the most part. It's all about the situation. I've had partners that invaded my privacy like crazy and it was very damaging to the relationship.

 

If it's something once in a blue moon and it made her feel better, sure, go ahead and look through my ****, I don't have anything to hide.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

When I was dating, we didn't have all the electronics, so it was different then.

 

But now, being married....

 

Our passwords are in a shared spreadsheet, we share personal emails, our phones are left unlocked, my purse, his wallet left out. This was not by agreement or to resolve issues, it just has always been that way.

 

Thing is...I don't have anything to hide, at most he will see me and the (adult) kids talking about his pissy mood, I suspect his says the same. but nothing I wouldn't say to him?

 

I have had to force him to open bills in my name...to pay them...he won't go into my purse to get something....which makes me nutty cause he can go in there and get what he needs.

 

I do not believe privacy or secrecy have any place in a marriage. But again, trust and security mean you don't have to search, cause its always open.

 

If he felt like he needed to, then I would want to help him feel secure and answer his questions.

 

I am not sure dating relationships would or should have that level of openness, but I wouldn't be married without it.

[Des]

If they do not automatically tell you these things, do you then demand that they do? Are you a spouse or are you a prison guard?

 

I would simply ask. If they didn't easily share, there would be red flags abound. If they don't want to tell me what's going on in their life, I'd find that weird. Again, are we dating or are we more like just friends or roommates? Am I just here for whenever you feel like talking to me, or are we a team? I'm not going to control anyone, but if they can't be open like that I probably won't want to stick around with them very long myself. I can't help but think if you're gonna keep shrouded the petty things, you're gonna hide something bigger at some point.

[subliminal]

Yea it's a level of how serious about the relstionship are you? Roommates, none of your business. Dating, if you ask me ill show u, vice versa. Monogomous or engaged, here's everything, look at whatever u want when ever Because I'm not marrying someone that wants to have privacy outside of the bathroom. Its not trust, its being complete with no secrets, minus birthday surprises or whatever. Communication depends on open honesty. Its not that you would even look, it's knowing u could, kinda like a random drug screen lol, just nice to feel open and free.