So lost, struggling

[ellyij]

I’ve been browsing this forum for a while now and thought it was time to tell my story.

 

My husband and I are living in the same home but living in separate bedrooms and I’m struggling trying to cope. Our marriage has been in trouble for some time now but foolishly I hoped it would get better once our daughter was grown and we had time to concentrate on ourselves. Last year June he left to live in England with his family and at that time I thought our relationship was over.

 

Before he left, there was a girl who was very interested in him and I saw their relationship was growing but when she left for England I thought they were finished since she had a boyfriend over there. During the first months he was gone I felt free and started to live my life, I was happy but then started to miss him. He insisted I keep in contact with him and every day I had to let him know I was OK. After four months it wasn’t working out for him and we decided to make another go at it. One month after his return, on Nov 24, he told me he wanted to see other women. The other woman was back in the picture.

 

After that conversation he would spend all his time out of the house, day and night, using our only vehicle (which I pay for by the way) to go on his jaunts. Until I could take it no longer and told him he had to leave, move out. He started looking for a place and I wondered how he was to accomplish this since he had no money. My feelings at this time were anger and hate eventually turning to depression. I became lost and the life I had so recently built was gone. Then I don’t know what happened but his behavior changed again and he started staying home more.

 

I stupidly felt he was not seeing her anymore and I started to relax, still a little lost but with some hope. Couple weeks ago my daughter said something that sent me right back to the beginning when I would obsessively think of him with her; she told me I’m either casting a blind eye or he is getting better at hiding it. OK so Friday night he says me he is going out for a drink so I finally push myself to go out.

 

When I get home at 3:30 he is not here, he finally comes in at 5:30, now this is a first because he would normally get home before midnight. Last night I had a dream where his sister told me he was sleeping with this woman and it hit me Wham he really is sleeping with this woman while driving my vehicle, living in my home, refusing to get a proper job and eating the food that I buy!!

 

I am struggling here, I can’t get myself together. I am so lost and I feel so stupid because he is using me and I’m letting him. After 20 years of marriage I can’t seem to let go. Help me please, I have no friends, no support network and the real stumbling block is I suffer with anxiety and panic attacks and he knows it and is using it. Lately I’ve been having suicidal thoughts and they are getting stronger. What should I do?

Edited September 4, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ellyij]

So I lost my temper this afternoon. It's been building since Friday and again he was just leaving without saying anything. Knowing where he was probably going I just lost it. Why can't I keep my emotions in control?

[mea_M]

Hi Elly, Gosh! I'm real sorry to see you struggling. Have you thought of seeking a good therapist? Some one you can present all this to? It must he rough with little support. At least a therapist could offer you that. Hang in there please.

 

Mea:)

[Brown-Eyez]

So I lost my temper this afternoon. It's been building since Friday and again he was just leaving without saying anything. Knowing where he was probably going I just lost it. Why can't I keep my emotions in control?

 

You are literally at the end of your rope with the amount of giving (and being taken from) that has been going on..

 

He is a parasite and is sucking you dry.

 

If you can't tell him to leave then you should leave instead, but until you get out of this very toxic situation your life is going to remain a hell.

 

I absolutely agree that finding a mental health professional for counseling & support would be an excellent idea for you too!!

[ellyij]

Thank you both for your reply. I have been seeing a therapist, on and off for a few years but it never seems to get anywhere and I’m really to blame for that. They can point you in the direction and only you can take that step. I’m so depressed and scared that I do nothing. I’ll book another appointment and maybe this time I’ll agree to the suggestion of going on some meds; been trying to avoid that though.

 

 

Yes I agree he is a parasite, which I only realized a few months ago by the way, always thought I was the problem. As for leaving that would be for him to do since we live in my family home. I’m trying to find the courage to tell him to leave again but after our daughter is gone next month. I’m really scared, I don’t know how to live on my own, I’ve lived my past 20 years for these two people and now it all seems empty. How do I put meaning and purpose back into my life?

[Kimmie80]

I went through something very similar. My ex started an affair on our 10 year anniversary and just after we found out we were expecting our 3rd child. It lasted for 6 months. He didn't come right out and admit it, but I knew. He would come home from work at 6:30 and be gone by 7. We wouldn't come home until 6am the next morning. Gone again by 7 for work. He took our only vehicle as well.

 

I begged him every night to not go, knowing that there must be another woman involved. I remember standing in front of the front door, crying for him not to go. I said if he walks out that door then we are over for good. He pushed me aside and walked out. He always came home because he had no money saved up to get his own place. Eventually he got arrested because he punched a whole in the wall out of frustration.

 

From that point on, we did try. This all happened in 2009. It wasnt until the last year that I couldn't do it anymore. Every time he would go out, I would start asking, where are you going, when will you be back? If he was too long, I would panic. Every time he would be on the phone texting, I was always wondering if it was another girl. It's a horrible feeling. I tried really hard to stay for the kids. I feel like I am a failure because, in the end, it was my decision to not try anymore. To this day, he does still tell me that I am the home wrecker and that I didnt try hard enough. And due to his infidelity, I am having a hard time in new relationships. I started a thread on here about this guy who walked away because of my low self-esteem and insecurity issues.

[Brown-Eyez]

..How do I put meaning and purpose back into my life?

 

 

This is the question to put ALL YOUR ENERGY AND FOCUS ON.

 

 

Because right now your life's work has been being host to a parasite, surely you can find a better purpose than that?

[ellyij]

So I've been thinking about this since your post and the main objective is to get him out. It would weigh on my conscience heavily if I told him to leave based on cheating. Since so far it's been speculation on my part I need solid evidence. I'll put things in place, collect my evidence and send him on his way. What do you think? Good idea or bad?

[Brown-Eyez]

So I've been thinking about this since your post and the main objective is to get him out. It would weigh on my conscience heavily if I told him to leave based on cheating. Since so far it's been speculation on my part I need solid evidence. I'll put things in place, collect my evidence and send him on his way. What do you think? Good idea or bad?

 

 

I really think your main objective should be on putting your energies ELSEWHERE.

 

IF you are able to do that, than troubles with him would be more easily taken care of..

 

Since you are so comfortable being in the giving role, why not find a worthy cause to volunteer for so that your efforts are really appreciated? That way you can start to feel better about yourself & will have the resolve to do what you need to do, to clean house so to speak.

[ellyij]

I did start volunteering because I felt I needed to do something with my life other than work and home, you know find another purpose to wake up in the morning. After "the talk" I made a list of all these ideas and things to do to fill up my life. Started off all inspired and then I got into this "funk zone" where nothing seems important and everything is so hard. That's where I am now I'm not motivated anymore.

[Brown-Eyez]

I did start volunteering because I felt I needed to do something with my life other than work and home, you know find another purpose to wake up in the morning. After "the talk" I made a list of all these ideas and things to do to fill up my life. Started off all inspired and then I got into this "funk zone" where nothing seems important and everything is so hard. That's where I am now I'm not motivated anymore.

 

Good for you in starting to give to others who can truly appreciate your efforts!

 

You have to push through the funk.

 

And as a person that seems to live more for others, get yourself to do things by thinking how helpful it will be for the other person.

 

Once you're stronger, you can then turn the focus where it belongs: on you.

[ellyij]

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement.

 

Since I've been conversing on this forum I've actually felt a twinge of excitement and inspiration. Today I even spoke with two complete strangers so there is hope for me!!!!

[Brown-Eyez]

... there is hope for me!!!!

 

Of course there is!! but YOU have to KNOW that within YOURSELF!

 

keep focusing your energies away from your negative situations and you will see how much personal power you'll gain!!