EsmerKiss77 Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 My question is based on when should you stay with someone (because of the kids) and when is the line drawn? I know most people say you should think of the children etc, but what if the other spouse is basically not A fit parent? Do you stay for the sake of being a "traditional family" or part ways and give them the opportunity to be a good parent on their own means?
Eve Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 My question is based on when should you stay with someone (because of the kids) and when is the line drawn? I know most people say you should think of the children etc, but what if the other spouse is basically not A fit parent? Do you stay for the sake of being a "traditional family" or part ways and give them the opportunity to be a good parent on their own means? Depends on what a persons dealbreaker is. In healthy marriages both people tend to have similar dealbreakers and each respects the other. If one part goes against their boundary, this in itself is not good for children to see, unless the problem is fully resolved and the reconciliation is authentic. Children are pretty resilient. Now in my world, if the person remains unfit and the parent does not protect the child they are just as bad as the other person. For me the child would take priority and so I would leave. Maybe I would try MC if there were mitigating circumstances and I still loved the person. If no change was on the cards, I would not even look back. There is also a lesser angle, in terms of a child not being physically hurt or anything but being party to stupid drama. Overall I would say that it is HIGHLY likely that the child could themself inherit a similar temperament via being in the same environment or good old genetics kicking in anyway. H'mm.. sometimes I don't think it matters whether the parents stay together or not because the child is already hard wired to pass on their flaws. Only those who work on themselves get out off the loop and begin a new cycle. If the cylce is poor, the parents are essentially inviting a new life into their problem because really we cannot fully control how a child develops, even with our best intentions. That is how I see things anyway. It is impossible to fully guide people. Change has to come from within and all that. Holding it together poorly may be the best some ever do. Sad but true. Seen it a million times. Hence I think it is always best to judge whether to stay or not on what is felt for the person and their propensity to hold to a vow and not on perceived outcomes for the child. Take care, Eve x
Keenly Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 When you stay for the kids, you set the example that in a normal relationship, you are completely miserable. Kids pick up on your happiness level, and you are not doing them any favors when you stay.
Miss Sisyphus Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 I think there are a lot of issues to consider: What do you mean by "not fit"? Is this something that can be fixed? What do the kids think of the parent's behavior? Is the problem with the parent/kids or with the marriage? Are you looking for reasons to get out of the marriage? Can both parents make it financially if there is a divorce? Lots of single mothers are living in poverty or close to it. My ex and I still live together because we have some affection for each other and neither of us can afford to live on our own. It's not the best situation, but we both get to share in the raising of our daughter as well as provide her a secure home. Her happiness is my priority.
ASG Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 I don't believe in staying for the children at all. Separating is not necessarily a major trauma for children. My parents split up when I was 6 and although yes, it was hard, me and my brother adjusted well and I think it helped that my parents didn't let their relationship degrade to a point where communication was no longer possible, so they managed to maintain a good relationship, for our sake. My parents shared the parenting as much as they could, considering the living in separate houses. It worked out. For the best, I think.
thefooloftheyear Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 I think there are a lot of issues to consider: What do you mean by "not fit"? Is this something that can be fixed? What do the kids think of the parent's behavior? Is the problem with the parent/kids or with the marriage? Are you looking for reasons to get out of the marriage? Can both parents make it financially if there is a divorce? Lots of single mothers are living in poverty or close to it. My ex and I still live together because we have some affection for each other and neither of us can afford to live on our own. It's not the best situation, but we both get to share in the raising of our daughter as well as provide her a secure home. Her happiness is my priority. I commend you for your honesty and selflessness...Too many people only think of themselves in these scenarios..They think they know whats best for the kids, but in many cases, they dont.. TFY
RonaldS Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 Happy parents not together >>>>>>> unhappy parents together, as far as the kids are concerned. Parenting is about so much more than being something to your kids or providing them with some societal ideal. Parenting is about culturing ideas and enduring understandings that will help your children grow and develop into people who are healthy, happy, respectful and thoughtful (among a million other things). If you as a parent perpetuate a bad relationship just to stay together for the kids, that 'security' that you're providing them actually hinders their ability to develop perspective on what constitutes healthy relationships. By compromising one's own happiness, fulfillment and boundaries, you are modeling that its OK to receive substandard or inequitable treatment from your partner. My XW is an amazing case study in learning all of the wrong ways to be in a relationship, and that behavior was learned from her parent's relationship. She simply does not know how to manage a healthy, respectful and equitable relationship. Now, the caveat in what we are modeling for our kids is that we can't just give up and quit just because we're not happy. I believe two parents should, if for no other reason than good modeling for the kids, exhaust the resources to try to fix the relationship, and if it can't be fixed, do the best that can be done to establish a healthy and respectful relationship post separation/divorce. In other words, don't stay together for the kids.
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