youngnlove89 Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 I woke up with bad anxiety, I'm groggy and still drunk. I just got off the phone with my best friend who lives miles away and she helped me calm down, for now. After not talking to my ex for a few days and ignoring his last attempt to contact me, I stupidly drunk texted him and called him last night. He said he wanted me to come over and we agreed to see each other tonight. He was calling me sweetie and he was acting nice to me. He said he missed me and he always does. Then when I got off the phone he sent me a dirty message saying what he was going to do to me sexually when I see him. Normally, I would reply and play along because it's fun and it turns us on. But when I'm drunk, I'm more emotional. Him: Be safe Heather.. Him: Just keep thinking about me hard ___ deep inside your wet ____, pounding you into submission. Me: I am single, right? Him: Why going home with someone? Me: I want a yes or no Him: Yes Me: Okay I'm single Him: Yes, you already knew that. Why did you ask. Me: I'm not having casual sex with you anymore. Please stop texting me and telling me about your skinny like d..ck. Him: This must be Kylie. Heather doesn't like that. (Kylie is my friend and he knew I was hanging out with her) Him: Though you were more mature than that Me: How would she know you have a skinny d.ck?! No you're 29. You're the immature one that can't make a commitment. Kylie is showing me who you really are. **** you. I can't take this anymore. And that was it. He didn't reply and today he is working a double so has his phone off. He gets so jealous of me moving on. He doesn't want me to be with anyone else, but doesn't want to commit to me. In the past, I saw that as him actually giving a crap about me. But it was just control. He wanted the best of both worlds. He didn't want me, but he didn't want anyone else to have me. He treated me nice when I was around so I would stay interested. Then treated me like crap to push me away, but just enough to show he wouldn't commit. How horrible of me to allow him to do this to me for so long. I just feel like dying. Why did I love a jerk?
hurts2death Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 is that you? dont bother i would say you deserve someone better,,,, (i am 1.88. 88 kg somehow mascular but not like a truck.. i like the stock market , i am into technology , i like sailing and fast cars, and i am very sensitive,,, i am not john john but nice looking for sure,i am also heartbroken. so why not love me?) i am just kidding to make you feel better,, go NC and move on you deserve better,,,,, this thing will suck you like a black hole.... 1
petall Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 Grrr.. why are you even still talking to this douche? He admits you are not together, he talks dirty to you, you are nothing but sex on demand. Is this what you want? Remove him from your life. He has no place in yours with the way he treats you! 3
Sparkle304 Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 Ok, now you're just playing games. There's no such thing as drunk texting....that's merely an excuse. What type of response were you expecting at that hour? If you want to heal, don't contact him. If you want to continue to suffer, hurt and cry, keep contacting him. These are your options. 6
candie13 Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 you thought you loved him because he's a thrill provider, he is not submitting to you. It's a dysfunctional dynamic because he only wants you when he feels you're getting away and you only want him because you feel you cannot completely have him. yup, go fully NC. it was fun while it lasted, but don't fool yourself, this is not love, it's lust at best. anyway, these things can be quite toxic and posses you / your senses, so well done for resisting temptation. Rome wasn't built in one day. Next time, read, ignore and delete. If anything, they should only inflate your self esteem, not bring you down. He's not inlove with you, girl... he seems to be in heat . 3
lonegirl Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 I know it's hard, but DUMP THIS DOUCHEBAG! Seriously, what an a**hole! These guys that like playing hot and cold games will never commit, never respect you, never think of you as someone in the same level as them, they just see you as a toy for when they get bored or in need of an ego stroke. Go NC! You can find much better ones than this. 1
Brown-Eyez Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 "He gets so jealous of me moving on. He doesn't want me to be with anyone else, but doesn't want to commit to me. In the past, I saw that as him actually giving a crap about me. But it was just control. He wanted the best of both worlds. He didn't want me, but he didn't want anyone else to have me. He treated me nice when I was around so I would stay interested. Then treated me like crap to push me away, but just enough to show he wouldn't commit. How horrible of me to allow him to do this to me for so long. I just feel like dying. Why did I love a jerk?" You went back and will continuing going back (unless you call on ALL your will power) because he has you on the slot-machine of rewarding you. He's inconsistent enough to keep you interested and gives you just enough to keep you hanging on. This type of relating is torturous to the soul and does not provide peace or happiness, just insecurity. But sometimes we like that uncertain feeling, we mistake it for excitement, it just never ever ends well for us. IF you can find it in yourself to really say "No" you'll have a chance (once the withdrawals end & you do some soul searching on why that hot & cold type behavior attracts you) to find a relationship that does provides consistency & security. 1
Author youngnlove89 Posted September 1, 2013 Author Posted September 1, 2013 I'm really lucky to have girl friends that have helped me make this move. She took my phone last night and sent him those mean texts and he knew it was her because he knows I don't talk like that because I'm too nice!! I had my friend text him for me because I was too weak and a little drunk. And I know being drunk isn't an excuse, but I am more emotional and vulnerable when I'm drinking. I know you guys can't see it because you aren't me. But when we were together, things were...perfect. His actions showed that he cared and then he turns cold in an instant like that. I was so shocked when my friend told me what she sent to him as me. Because I was so scared he would hate me. But it needed to happen. It needs to be over with. I need to move on. And I know I can't do this alone. I am so thankful to have my friends help me through this. Before, I didn't have any one and that's why I always went back. But now they help me stay strong. BUT one thing I do really miss is sex. 2
Author youngnlove89 Posted September 1, 2013 Author Posted September 1, 2013 Yes. I think it's because I, myself, have commitment issues. I've been with guys who are really good to me and sweet and loving, but I get bored with them and I push them away. It's awful. I wish I could love a guy that loves me. But like you said, it's the thrill and the excitement, the rush of this insanity. We hate each other, love each other, fight, make up, hate and then love again. It's never boring, but it is definitely harming my soul and weakening my strength, dignity and pride. I can't accept his behavior anymore. I want more. But I get so emotional and I always feel better when I write. So I was thinking about writing him a letter. It was a letter I never sent: I'm leaving you. I want you to know the truth, but in the privacy of your own space. I should have left you a long time ago before birthdays, or holidays, or before the time I no longer felt important to you. Always over my head, I could never understand you. I just pretended I was okay with the way things were. It was rough R, and I never wanted to lie to you. This letter serves to tell you I cant lie anymore. I can't pretend. By now you are probably confused as to why I am writing you with such vague intention, but the world is a hole that has inflated me to this state. Sometimes, I feel like I could just...explode. We never agreed on the same things. Commitment. Marriage. Putting the cap back on the toothpaste. I believe that's what become between us in the end. You always said no string attached, but there are always strings attached. Are you beginning to understand now? I can't be with you. I'm drifting R. You have sucked the air from me. I'm...descending. Goodbyes are never easy, but this one is impossible. It's just exhausting and pointless and sad and despite it all...I'll miss you. "He gets so jealous of me moving on. He doesn't want me to be with anyone else, but doesn't want to commit to me. In the past, I saw that as him actually giving a crap about me. But it was just control. He wanted the best of both worlds. He didn't want me, but he didn't want anyone else to have me. He treated me nice when I was around so I would stay interested. Then treated me like crap to push me away, but just enough to show he wouldn't commit. How horrible of me to allow him to do this to me for so long. I just feel like dying. Why did I love a jerk?" You went back and will continuing going back (unless you call on ALL your will power) because he has you on the slot-machine of rewarding you. He's inconsistent enough to keep you interested and gives you just enough to keep you hanging on. This type of relating is torturous to the soul and does not provide peace or happiness, just insecurity. But sometimes we like that uncertain feeling, we mistake it for excitement, it just never ever ends well for us. IF you can find it in yourself to really say "No" you'll have a chance (once the withdrawals end & you do some soul searching on why that hot & cold type behavior attracts you) to find a relationship that does provides consistency & security.
Brown-Eyez Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 BUT one thing I do really miss is sex. yeah me too
Author youngnlove89 Posted September 1, 2013 Author Posted September 1, 2013 you thought you loved him because he's a thrill provider, he is not submitting to you. It's a dysfunctional dynamic because he only wants you when he feels you're getting away and you only want him because you feel you cannot completely have him. yup, go fully NC. it was fun while it lasted, but don't fool yourself, this is not love, it's lust at best. anyway, these things can be quite toxic and posses you / your senses, so well done for resisting temptation. Rome wasn't built in one day. Next time, read, ignore and delete. If anything, they should only inflate your self esteem, not bring you down. He's not inlove with you, girl... he seems to be in heat . I need to PRINT this and put in on my wall!! Thank you. You are so right.
Keenly Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 For what its worth, I am proud of you You can make it through this, and once its over, you will be at the top of the dating food chain. You of all people should be the least concerned about not having love, because any guy would be pretty damn lucky to have you interest. Keep on keepin on. 1
candie13 Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 We all meet a guy who makes us sweat and not sleep at night. Part of the growing up experience. Keep a diary and write him tens of letters, hundreds, just never send them. As heartless as it may seem, he will look at them as proves of weakness, not proves of love. Some people are very self centered and think only of what's good for them. Love letter? It means she cares, it means I can more free sex and that dynamic that he also finds entertaining. But... he is the oppressor and you are the victim. This situation gives him power and leaves you drained. It's only fun as long as you keep having fun. Seems to me like fun's over for you. Girl, part of growing old is to learn to differentiate the feeling of love from a purely sexual desire. Do some soul searching, I believe the answer will help you get over this guy a lot faster. 1
Author youngnlove89 Posted September 1, 2013 Author Posted September 1, 2013 yeah me too That's what keeps me coming back... We had great sex.
Author youngnlove89 Posted September 1, 2013 Author Posted September 1, 2013 I sent him the letter after asking 3 people and they all said I should send it. I'm leaving you. I want you to know the truth, but in the privacy of your own space. I should have left you a long time ago before birthdays, or holidays, or before the time I no longer felt important to you. Always over my head, I could never understand you. I just pretended I was okay with the way things were. It was rough R, and I never wanted to lie to you. This letter serves to tell you I cant lie anymore. I can't pretend. By now you are probably confused as to why I am writing you with such vague intention, but the world is a hole that has inflated me to this state. Sometimes, I feel like I could just...explode. We never agreed on the same things. Commitment. Love. Putting the cap back on the toothpaste. I believe that's what become between us in the end. You always said no string attached, but there are always strings attached. Are you beginning to understand now? I can't be with you. I'm drifting R. You have sucked the air from me. I'm...descending. Goodbyes are never easy, but this one is impossible. It's just exhausting and pointless and sad and despite it all...I'll miss you. They said it will let him know it's over. It's done. Door closed.
Brown-Eyez Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 Goodbyes are never easy, but this one is impossible. It's just exhausting and pointless and sad and despite it all...I'll miss you.[/i] This is the one line in your letter that worries me..you are saying that goodbye to him is impossible? and you'll miss him? IF it's truly a good bye from you, you have to be very clear what you want for yourself (and maybe asking him to never contact you again would be a good start--are you prepared to say that?)
candie13 Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 you send that letter and I guarantee you one thing: it is not over . keep us posted
Author youngnlove89 Posted September 1, 2013 Author Posted September 1, 2013 you send that letter and I guarantee you one thing: it is not over . keep us posted What do you mean?
Simon Phoenix Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 What do you mean? She means you'll get sucked right back in because that's what history says will happen. I mean, you refuse to go NC with this guy and if it wasn't for your friend stepping in, you would have fallen for it again. What's going to happen when your friends aren't there to snap you back to your senses? You are playing with fire again and until you do everything in your power to really cut him off (that means, dun dun dun, No Contact and blocking), the odds of you getting burned are high. He's not going to just give you up easily -- he's going to keep seeing if he can keep getting the cake he's been eating. 3
cavalier99 Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 (edited) Hi younglove. Ive said this a million times. You just need to stop this and go NC. How do you expect to recover dong what your doing? My relationship has some problems now. Not sure if it is going to last. IM not getting into details but i can say one thing for certain. If it ends. Im going NC from day 1. NO begging. NO pleading. I will erase and block EVERYTHING. I will cry. Then I will never look back or break NC! ill be recovered in 4 to 6 months! Woo Hoo! Rock on! Cav Its all about maitaining self respect, NC, time, and stapping on a huge pair of balls and emotional fortitude. You could use a big dose of all of this. Sorry. Just telling the truth. Hope all is well. Edited September 1, 2013 by cavalier99 5
candie13 Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 Op, can you understand he does not care for you? Your love letter means nothing but a stroke of ego to him. Try to distance yourself from your shoes and look at this from his pov. You are a great source of entertainment. And you are about to get away. But are sending this letter, which shows you have feelings... what do you think he'll do, be a gentleman and stay away? Or think exclusively about himself (which is what he did from the beginning when interacting with you) and contact you to stir more of your emotions and get some more steamin' sex? At best, he'll be annoyed by it. But he will totally understand you're vulnerable and that he can get something out of it. People don't give other people closure. You need to get closure by yourself. Listen, if you like the guy, love the sex and enjoy the drama, there is absolutely nothing wrong to continue seeing him. Playing along. As long as you are not lying to yourself - THIS IS NOT LOVE - and as long as you can handle it - it seems like you're the victim. You need to do what you feel it's right to do, of course, your right to learn from your mistakes. Just don't lie to yourself, sending love letters to a guy you're not in a relationship with isn't a smart move to gain control, but a cry for attention. sorry if I'm being blunt. 1
cavalier99 Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 , sorry if I'm being blunt. Dont worry about being blunt. She really needs it. She has gotton more good advise (and ignored it) than anyone the last 12 months from many LS veterans and newbies alike. I think only NA49 has had more people respond. I really wish her the best but only she can make the decision to finally stop the madness. Cav
It's Just Me Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 Maybe it's just me, but after being on this forum for a little over a year, I don't understand people who let their mates mistreat them - and then go back for more. Life is not a Hollywood movie. There are NO happy endings when you keep letting someone rule your life with pain. Maybe it's just the way I was raised. I give respect, and I expect it back. If you don't give it back, you are gone. End of story. I am reminded of my younger self. First boyfriend, first sex partner. I was almost 17. Once we had sex, he crowed that women never leave the men who pop their cherry. Yes, crowed. I didn't understand his glee, until one fateful day. We were having a disagreement. I was sitting at the kitchen table, he was standing over me. He grabbed my throat, and squeezed, and told me to shut my mouth. This was the first time he had ever displayed any violence towards me. I was rather shocked. I looked at him, and said, "If you let go of me now, and leave the house, I will not tell my father what you just did. Because if he finds out that you tried to hurt me, there WILL be trouble." His face changed, and he let go. He left, and I dumped him. Even at that age, I could see the big, long-term picture that this arsehole had painted for me, on that fateful day. I wasn't raised in an abusive household, and I was certainly not going to put up with anyone who displayed a lack of respect for me. I'm now 48, and that mindset has not changed. To all who let (yes, LET) other people take away your dignity... STOP. And find people who love you for who you are, and who treat you with respect. As Forrest would say, "And that's all I'm gonna say about that." 3
Simon Phoenix Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 I give respect, and I expect it back. If you don't give it back, you are gone. End of story. This times a million. For as complicated as people try to make interpersonal relationships, this is what it comes down to at the end of the day. Or should. I think most people get into these situations because they have either a) weak boundaries or b) don't have any boundaries at all. The first time a person goes "well, I can let this go because I really like them and they won't do it again" is the time when they pretty much screw themselves over. When you put up with being mistreated (abuse, neglect, dishonesty, etc) then you get situations like YNL's. 1
Author youngnlove89 Posted September 2, 2013 Author Posted September 2, 2013 I understand how people are tired of my constant threads that never change. I am too. I am just scared. I don't know how to let go of him. It terrifies me. It's like a drug addiction. When he isn't around I go through these crazy spouts of withdrawal with intense anxiety and depression. I wake up feeling exhausted and frightened that he is gone. Sweating and my heart races and I feel like my world is closing in on me. I can't breathe. I get so depressed that it scares me. So, like a drug addict, you crave the drug even more, doing anything to get your fix just to feel better. So you get that fix. And you're happy for a little bit while the high lasts. But eventually you meet your low. And you are back to square one: regret and indecisiveness. It's just a vicious cycle. And it scares the **** out of me. Can't I be honest with my feelings? It sucks. I hurt. And I just don't know how to let him go! Psychologist- check Hobby- check New Friends- check Second job- check Seeing family/friends more- check I understand the last part....No Contact. Blocking. Ignoring. Deleting. But he will find a way. I know him. I think the thing that I'm scared most of is the pain that it entails. It's a feeling like he died and he's gone forever. I can't handle that. I did love him even if he didn't love me back. People say once I go NC, I'll get over it. But I think I'll just be even more sad that he isn't around anymore. I'll never fully recover. Maybe I'm a lost cause. Maybe there is nothing anyone can do for me now. Maybe I'm just meant to be in this horrible situation. Sorry.
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