SillieBillie Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 Howdy, I'm 20 years old, and the guy I'm seeing (I don't know what to call the whole thing yet) is 29. Yes, I am aware that the age difference is a bit of a jump, but I always end up dating men who are roughly 7-10 years older than me. So it's no issue for me, as I am used to men of this age. I'm going to explain the situation best I can, it's a little messy, so bear with me... We have been seeing each other for a little bit over a month. My last relationship was roughly 5 months ago, and it was something I care not to live through again, as it was very emotionally traumatic... Needless to say I am completely over my ex- I do not hate him, but I wouldn't care if he dropped off the face of the Earth either. He's a non-issue in my life. The guy I am seeing left his last relationship of 5 years about 8 or 9 months ago. I met him when he first got dumped and he was a bit of a wreck. At that point, I was in the middle of my relationship of only 6 months, and well, I was taken. We exhchanged numbers soon after meeting (he used to frequent the bar I worked in to talk to me) and I didn't really care much for his efforts to make friends with me. I left my ex, and moved to the other side of the country (so, roughly 3 months after giving him my number)... He then started trying to contact me again after he noticed I had quit my job, and was nowhere to be seen. He called to talk and tried talking me into going back to my home town. I went back after 3 months, due to finance problems. And I was planning on going back over. He invited me over for drinks and we ended up in bed. (I know, I know! You're not supposed to do that!!) He invited me over a couple of days after that, and I was to fly back out again the next morning. But when we spoke on the phone prior to me visiting the second time, he sounded really hurt that I was leaving again. So I ended up staying, partly because I wanted to get to know him and he had chased me for a long time, and partly because I need to re-stabilize my life. Aaaanyway, it has been a bit over one month of dating and I feel like I may hit a wall soon. He invites me over all the time, cuddles up a lot, but- here's the thing. He doesn't kiss that much. I love kissing him, sparks fly, but when we do, he kinda goes a little strange after. He doesn't hold eye contact for very long, he constantly jokes around, but he has no problems cuddling and sharing a bed when sleeping. It's the really intimate stuff like eye contact and kissing that he holds back on. FYI, we have sex sometimes, but he has problems with that too... He will stop halfway through and say we'll continue it later and doesn't. I got a little upset last time I visited and started crying because he CONFUSES me! I told him that and he seemed to get a little offended. He explained that in no way is he using me, and that he just needs to take things slow and make sure it's what he wants. And then he went on to say "I could easily let myself fall head over heels, but I don't want to do that until I'm sure it's healthy"... blah blah blah. He says he doesn't want to get back with his ex (I didn't ask him if he did, he answered it all by himself) and that he just isn't over the emotional pain. He mentions her here and there, and has a family photo on his wall with her in it. (FYI, not their kids, they didn't have any... Family as in his whole family, and her tagged along in some sort of outing) Am I dealing with someone who is worth investing my patience in here? Because I really really like him. I nearly blurted out the L word last visit when I was upset. Or is he just rebounding and trying to feel better?
Joaquin Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 (edited) I would not expect a whole lot from the guy. But if u can keep yr own emotions in check u might be ok. U sound though that yr falling for him. Having been burned before by this nowadays if I suspect a girl is still pineing after an ex I just enjoy the sex and put NO emotional demands on the girl and let things run their course. I don't get into exclusive relationships with people who appear as if they aren't over an ex. Edited September 1, 2013 by Joaquin
Leigh 87 Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 He sounds just like my ex with the lack of kissing and intimacy. I need a guy to love kissing me. My damn friends with benefits kissed me more than my ex did. The guy I just saw recently kissed me non stop. For an HOUR at a time, literally! You're not compatible sexually. I need kissing too, and long term, the fact my ex didn't left me unsatisfied about the relationship. Kissing is something you need too. It is your life partner you're seeking and not JUST a best friend. You need the person you end up with to satisfy you sexually as well as in other areas. I can guarantee it won't get better. It is at he START that sexually compatible and happy couples go crazy with kissing! And it fizzles out long term when stressors like kids and mortgages and life issues get in the way. It he aint kissing you much now, it will never happen. And for a whole host of possible reasons which I will now outline. My ex was VERY affectionate in bed; he hugged me so tightly every night, or he got me to hug him; he could not fall asleep unless I came to hug him to sleep. He was very dependant on me emotionally and physically. Yet he would never make out with me. He kissed me ALL DAY, but only little pecks on the mouth. I asked him if it was just me, or if he just seldom made out with long term girlfriends. He said he just was not a big kisser unless he was drunk or unless he was having sex with a girl, he would save it. We never had big make out sessions in nearly 3 years. .................................... Now, some people genuinely do not like making out and prefer kisses on the lips, with no tongue. On the other hand, I am pretty sure some guys who do not make out much with one girl, will be into it with a girl they are truly into. You have to have that conversation with him. You have to figure out if this is just HIM - he is not much into kissing or sex before he gets to know women better? OR, if it is just the fact he is not feeling it sexually with you? ............................................................ In my experience, I asked my ex if his sexual behaviour, for instance, the fact he did not make out with me or go down on me for very long or very often on his own free desire unless I asked, was it ME or was he like that in general? He told me he was just that way with any girl. I half believe him. I do think guys like them DO tend to find "the one" for them, a girl who they are crazy about to the point where they change their usual frequency of kissing and sex for a girl they are truly into. They will not necessarily change though no matter what girl they meet. And the ones who do kiss some girls more than others may not have much variation! ..................................................................... See? There are a myriad of different reasons he does not kiss you much and withholds proper sex. You will never truly know those reasons. The fact that dooms this relationship is: you need something from him that he will never give you. I also needed more making out and other things from my ex. I should have realised it would never change and walked. I was too in love with him to leave though and so I "compromised" what I wanted out of him. He was great in every area but the making out department, and the fact he did not like going down on me as long as other guys liked to stay down there for. The sex was great though. If you do not have that then he may as well be your best friend.
Author SillieBillie Posted September 2, 2013 Author Posted September 2, 2013 Well, I would not have posted on here if I didn't expect these responses, I just needed some confirmation that what's going on is not that healthy for me. That's what I was afraid of... With the making out thing. My thoughts were that the first stages are the best for that stuff. Always are. It actually offends me that it doesn't happen. But I don't know how to bring that up with him. What do I say? He will probably just put the whole thing down to going slow and getting to know me better... But we have sex! Why have sex if the other stuff is too much? :s
lop98 Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 Sex is easier than opening up again and allowing feelings to grow, and when you're hurt, you have to heal first before being able to do that... and then there has to be something that makes you want to see that it's worthy of being vulnerable again. His whole behavior screams rebound to me, that doesn't mean he will never be able to have feelings for you but I would walk away for a while as he's not emotionally available right now, he's trying to cope with pain and you make him feel like he's not lonely and is still desirable but besides having the ex still on his mind, what's likely to happen when it dawns on him that this is hurting you is that he'll disappear abruptly, he won't want extra hassle to what he's already going through. Breakups like that are so confusing, I remember going through my contacts and calling a couple guys that were into me just to fool around, I wanted to try anything that would get my mind off the pain... I didn't enjoy kissing either, just wanted to feel in charge again and get over the loss and sense of failure and rejection. Try to read between the lines... he wants to feel healthy ("unless it's healthy") but has not being able to let go and for the same reason he won't be able to give you what you want right now... just let him go, there might be a chance for you both in a future but right now his transition phase will either make him reduce you to a rebound or keep you like this, in a constant state of confusion (which is only a fraction of the major confusion that's in the guy's head) or both. He's about to be 30, is about to leave the decade of "being young" (BS but that's how it feels), got dumped after 5 years... 8 months isn't really that much.
Author SillieBillie Posted September 3, 2013 Author Posted September 3, 2013 *sigh* Oh well. Looks like I'll have to ave a talk with him soon. I can't do this right now, I mean, if I start getting attached and he stays like this I'll end up resenting him for it. I don't want that. And I believe it is pretty unfair on me that he would hold back knowing full well that I really like him. I mean, I cried about it. He definitely knows I'm not happy in this situation right now. I'll give it a week or two, and then I'll just tell him we should stop seeing each other until he is actually ready. We're going out for dinner this weekend too. :/ I would not be surprised if he backs out of plans. If he does that will be it for me, I can't go any further like this. But regardless of whether or not e go out for dinner, 2 weeks seems like a good amount of time to figure out exactly how I should go about this. I think I will have to slowly lead up to it.
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