counterman Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 Is it normal for someone to bring up their exes in the early stages of dating? We've been dating for about a month. She first brought up one of her exes when she said that he was a jerk and that she's dating other jerks and hopes I'm nice. She brought another one of her exes up about how they were both really spontaneous and had some crazy times. And another time she brought up her ex and her ex's friend and the dynamic between them and how her ex's friend didn't like her. The last time I spoke to her she said she went through a really messed up time and asked me if I wanted to know about it. Each time I just went along and shrugged it off and the subject changed to something else soon after. I have never felt the urge to bring up my ex or feel it is necessary. My only concern is that she may still have feelings for an ex. She did say her last relationship was about 6 months ago. I think I won't look much into it and just continue to just have fun dating. Though, I would like to know what you LSers think
D-Lish Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 I think you should be straight up and tell her there is no need to talk about an ex while on a date with someone else. Is she really young or something? 2
heartshaped Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 I don't know why she feels the need to talk about her exes, but I'd shut it down. You don't have to make a big deal out of it, but just casually mention you understand that both of you have pasts, but would rather focus on the present.
RedRobin Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 A lot of people confuse talking about their exes with 'openness and honesty' and seem to get this idea that they are creating more intimacy by doing so. I'd find a nice way to tell her, thanks for sharing, but you'd rather focus on what you and she have, and not bad things from the past. 4
Maleficent Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 I don't see a priblem with people mentionning their exes when it fits the conversation. For example, if I met a man who was really into cars, then yes, I will mention my ex's car projects. An ex is part of a person's life and I don't see the need in not mentionning. However, if someone only mentions their ex in negative ways, perhaps they should work on moving on before dating 3
Mascara Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 Ugh I had an ex like this. We couldn't do ANYTHING without his ex coming up in conversation. Whether it was to do with relationship stuff, or just walking down the street and he'd see a restaurant they went to, or a hotel they stayed at, or any hobby she had that remotely resembled anything I talked about, or a shoe shop he knew she'd love (he took a picture of that one and sent it to her). She was CONSTANTLY on his mind. Last straw came when we'd just had sex, and I complimented him on a particular move and he said "Yeah, my ex used to love that too" Still, he's someone elses problem now. 1
Mascara Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 I don't see a priblem with people mentionning their exes when it fits the conversation. That's what I told this guy at first - that it was all in context, so it's fine. But it was just constant, and even in context - that's a no no.
Ruby Slippers Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 I think sometimes it's a good idea to bring up exes, when you want to talk about problems from the past that you hope not to revisit again. For example, I told my boyfriend why each of my major relationships ended, in part because I hope not to have those same problems with somebody else (meddling family, for instance). But beyond that, I agree that it's irrelevant, and I generally let the person I'm with know I don't need to hear all about them. 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 I tend to do that. I just...don't censor myself when it naturally comes up. If I wasn't over a particular ex, I would be far more careful. They mean nothing to me, it's just the way I relate. Guys have told me not to do it and that it bothers them...so I try. 1
hoping2heal Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 Is it normal for someone to bring up their exes in the early stages of dating? We've been dating for about a month. She first brought up one of her exes when she said that he was a jerk and that she's dating other jerks and hopes I'm nice. She brought another one of her exes up about how they were both really spontaneous and had some crazy times. And another time she brought up her ex and her ex's friend and the dynamic between them and how her ex's friend didn't like her. The last time I spoke to her she said she went through a really messed up time and asked me if I wanted to know about it. Each time I just went along and shrugged it off and the subject changed to something else soon after. I have never felt the urge to bring up my ex or feel it is necessary. My only concern is that she may still have feelings for an ex. She did say her last relationship was about 6 months ago. I think I won't look much into it and just continue to just have fun dating. Though, I would like to know what you LSers think Sounds like she's not over her last relationship
FitChick Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 I like hearing about exes. Information is power. 2
Author counterman Posted September 3, 2013 Author Posted September 3, 2013 She's in her early 20s. The thing is, it's not in any sort of context. She just brings them up out of nowhere. Like, we in the middle of talking and she might bring up her ex and a little story and then we'll change the subject. I can tell she's had issues in the past with them, but she's with me at the moment and I think she would enjoy my company that much more if she focused on the moment and us. It certainly doesn't make it more intimate. I understand there is a time and place to talk about past relationships. I am all for that. And I am sure that we can learn more about each other that way. But the past is the past. It is irrelevant to me at the moment, especially during these early stages of dating. Perhaps she had problems from the past which she doesn't want to experience again. She has mentioned that she has been unlucky in the past. I get it. I had a friend who kept dating douchebag after douchebag; in all those relationships, I spotted these guys for what they were soon after meeting them and yet she kept getting hurt. Maybe the girl I'm dating was hurt in the past, but the thing is, I'm a great guy. Whatever has happened in the past can stay there. I know she's into me, but I think sometimes her issues with past relationships is holding her back with me. Next time she brings up an ex-boyfriend, should I: i) Just have the talk about past relationships with her? or ii) Just casually say it (in a nice way) that it's irrelevant to us? We are exclusive
Author counterman Posted September 3, 2013 Author Posted September 3, 2013 Sounds annoying just ask her to stop nicely. Not the worst thing that could happen. Still being friends with them and hanging out would be the kiss of death for me. Would be the same for me I'm pretty sure she's not friends with them... but you can never be too sure. She hasn't said that she's friends with them. And she has spoken to be about the friends she hangs around with.
Author counterman Posted September 4, 2013 Author Posted September 4, 2013 She's in her early 20s. The thing is, it's not in any sort of context. She just brings them up out of nowhere. Like, we in the middle of talking and she might bring up her ex and a little story and then we'll change the subject. I can tell she's had issues in the past with them, but she's with me at the moment and I think she would enjoy my company that much more if she focused on the moment and us. It certainly doesn't make it more intimate. I understand there is a time and place to talk about past relationships. I am all for that. And I am sure that we can learn more about each other that way. But the past is the past. It is irrelevant to me at the moment, especially during these early stages of dating. Perhaps she had problems from the past which she doesn't want to experience again. She has mentioned that she has been unlucky in the past. I get it. I had a friend who kept dating douchebag after douchebag; in all those relationships, I spotted these guys for what they were soon after meeting them and yet she kept getting hurt. Maybe the girl I'm dating was hurt in the past, but the thing is, I'm a great guy. Whatever has happened in the past can stay there. I know she's into me, but I think sometimes her issues with past relationships is holding her back with me. Next time she brings up an ex-boyfriend, should I: i) Just have the talk about past relationships with her? or ii) Just casually say it (in a nice way) that it's irrelevant to us? We are exclusive Bump..........
Author counterman Posted September 4, 2013 Author Posted September 4, 2013 well be honest. next time she do it again, tell her, hey i hear you talk a lot about your exes , lets talk about us. tell me more about you as a person. what is do you love to do in your freetime. so ask het what ever question that is fun and that will not lead to her talking about exes. but i also have to say if she keep talk about exes makes me think she did not get over them all and she dont know what she wants. I'll do that, turn into talk about us. I think she's probably not completely over her most recent ex, who she dated about 6 months ago. Just trying to piece together the information, I think she was really into this guy and the had crazy fun together. Then, he left her for whatever reason. In one of our last conversations, we spoke about what we wanted from the opposite sex in a relationship. That talk caused her to be sad... she said that it reminded her of things. I don't know what to make of it. But she said she'll explain it to me when she's ready.
KungFuJoe Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 Tell her to shut the eff about her exes then dump her soup in her lap. You want to time it just right so the soup is still hot but not too hot where she gets an actual burn. Potential lawsuit right there. But seriously. Let her know how it makes you feel. All that stuff you just told us. Tell HER.
Woop1337 Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 (edited) Ask yourself what you can put up with. Then deal with it accordingly. If you determine, that what she's doing is a deal breaker. Then you know what to do. If you want to have a little fun with it, next time she brings up one of her exes. Bring up a fun outing with one of your exes. Hopefully she'll get the message. But the politically correct way of doing it, is to tell her upfront. That hey, talking about an ex is not cool with you. But honestly man, there's women out there that won't even broach the ex subject. Because they know, it's not appropriate in the beginning. Edited September 4, 2013 by Woop1337
Author counterman Posted September 4, 2013 Author Posted September 4, 2013 Tell her to shut the eff about her exes then dump her soup in her lap. You want to time it just right so the soup is still hot but not too hot where she gets an actual burn. Potential lawsuit right there. But seriously. Let her know how it makes you feel. All that stuff you just told us. Tell HER. That would elicit quit a response! I will tell her She sounds annoying as all hell to be honest with you. I genuinely do not see a need to bring up exes in any capacity unless specifically asked. It's just not appropriate and I refuse to do it. Even going so far as deliberately avoiding the little "Oh my ex was an ass" throwaway comments people are so fond of making. That's the past, this is the future and the present. The guy I'm talking to now does this quite a lot and it can be frustrating. It's mainly always negative but I don't care to hear about it either way. It doesn't make me feel any better hearing all the mean comments his ex used to make. This past weekend he actually told me some stuff that just made me really sad to the point where I was horny and very much eager to have sex one minute then just kinda bummed out and wanting to give him a hug and a pat on the head... It sounds like she isn't over him, I don't mean she's necessarily still in love with him -- since I do believe you can be "hung up" on someone but not out of love -- but it sounds like she was really hurt by him and frankly isn't actually in a place where she can fully commit to you. If you still want to give it a try, don't hold back or sugarcoat, tell her straight up you want to leave all that in the past from this point on. That's exactly how I feel. I get really turned on until she brings up her exes. It's really not making us any closer. I agree, there is no need until asked. It makes me think she thinks about them when she's with me. That's really disheartening. I don't really want to know if her exes were jerks or douchebags either. I refuse to do any of that too. She actually wanted me to commit to her and her to I. We're exclusive and she doesn't want to date anyone else. And she's spoken about future plans. I'm on the fence at the moment. Haven't set up the next date yet. I'm reluctant to if she's going to keep bringing up her exes. But you're right, I will talk to her. If she gets really upset by it, then I have my answer. If I spoke about my ex, there's no overwhelming emotions. I remember the hurt but I don't feel it at the moment. I'm truly over her. But if I talk to the girl I'm dating about her ex, and she gets really anxious and upset, then I think I have my answer. We'll see. Ask yourself what you can put up with. Then deal with it accordingly. If you determine, that what she's doing is a deal breaker. Then you know what to do. If you want to have a little fun with it, next time she brings up one of her exes. Bring up a fun outing with one of your exes. Hopefully she'll get the message. But the politically correct way of doing it, is to tell her upfront. That hey, talking about an ex is not cool with you. But honestly man, there's women out there that won't even broach the ex subject. Because they know, it's not appropriate in the beginning. No, I can't deal with it as it is. Maybe some will call me insecure, but it's hard to have fun with a girl if she's thinking about her exes. In fact, seems like of pointless continuing in this fashion. I could do that, and the reason I haven't done it is I know it's not an appropriate way to do it... I could tell her all about my ex. You're right man, there are women out there who know not to do this. I don't know what type of guys she's been dating, but I'm not sure I am 'right' for her, in the sense that I might be too 'good' (as in good boy vs bad boy). All this stuff seems so premature, since we've only been dating for a month. And it's really annoying. Other things that I won't stand for are, if she is: i) Still friends with her exes (does Facebook friends count?) ii) Still hanging out with her exes or iii) Still talking with her exes Should I ask her these?
Author counterman Posted September 5, 2013 Author Posted September 5, 2013 Should I have a talk with her before I set up a date or let her come to me and talk about it when she's ready?
Leigh 87 Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 Just talk to her about it. I had this issue with the last guy, and I sure wish he told me " look Leigh 87, u mention your ex from time to time. It is okay to do once in a while but it is a bit of a turn off" I saw it though without being told. The new guy I am dating and I had some relevant anecdotes and material we actually wanted to talk about regarding our exes, since they were our only long relationship. We did, however, both say " man, it is not cool to talk about our exes too much, so lets promise to make this one date our last time we do it:lmao:" We did not even talk about our exes much at all, but we did tell each other what the situation was with our exes, so we both knew what we were getting ourselves into by dating each other. We never talk about them now.
Author counterman Posted September 6, 2013 Author Posted September 6, 2013 Just talk to her about it. I had this issue with the last guy, and I sure wish he told me " look Leigh 87, u mention your ex from time to time. It is okay to do once in a while but it is a bit of a turn off" I saw it though without being told. The new guy I am dating and I had some relevant anecdotes and material we actually wanted to talk about regarding our exes, since they were our only long relationship. We did, however, both say " man, it is not cool to talk about our exes too much, so lets promise to make this one date our last time we do it:lmao:" We did not even talk about our exes much at all, but we did tell each other what the situation was with our exes, so we both knew what we were getting ourselves into by dating each other. We never talk about them now. Thanks for the great advice. I spoke to her about her exes and then I spoke about my ex. I understand her a lot better now. It turns out she was really hurt but this one guy who cheated on her multiple times and then dumped her, earlier this year. And then there's another guy who also didn't treat her too well. She's just a little worried that it might happen again. She told me she still had one of her exes on FB and that he tried messaging her a few weeks ago. I told her, if we are to ever have a chance of being anything, she's going to have to delete him; I don't feel comfortable with the idea of her one of her exes trying to cause trouble. She said she will delete. (I'm not sure I should make a bigger deal out of this and see if she really follows through - should I?) We decided not to talk about exes again from that point on and just focus on us.
todreaminblue Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 (edited) I think that relationships in the past should hold one conversation.....questions that need to be asked get asked and answered and then its over.....shouldnt be done unless and until the person who wants to know, specifically asks ok what happened how long etc......then you talk .......not all night on this btw....conversation ends and you get to know the person you are with now....exes are out...not bought up randomly...shows who you are thinking of in my opinion......and if a guy and myself are on a date and he starts talkign about his ex for no apparent reason jsut out of the blue after we chattign away..my ex, she did this she did that she never did this she never did that or we had such fun or remember way back when myex............i would think hang on wheres your mind at right now....not on me obviously......deb Edited September 6, 2013 by todreaminblue
Jbum5 Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 It could be that she's not completely over her exes, but more likely she's bringing them up because she's trying to set a "higher standard" in her current relationship with you by doing it in a passive aggressive way. The following are possible translations: A - "My exes were all jerks, I hope you're not like them" = you better be nice or you'll end up like they did - dumped. B - "The dynamic between my friends and exes were not that great" = you better be nice to my friends and avoid being awkward. Get it? Now you can either blow it off and act aloof to those comments OR you can assure her that you are the man she's looking for (or at least that you'll do your darned best to be) and hope that she gets your point, too.
Author counterman Posted September 6, 2013 Author Posted September 6, 2013 We spoke about it and we agreed not to talk about her exes anymore. I asked her to delete her most recent ex off Facebook. He had messaged her a few weeks ago asking "do you think about us?", etc. regarding her dating life. I don't feel comfortable with this. So, I asked her to delete it. She says it was nothing and that he was a part of her life before. She was reluctant to delete him. And then I put my foot down and said if there's anything serious to happen with us then she should delete him. She said she would. I'm worried that if I do check her Facebook, she still has him as a friend. What should I do if that's the case?
todreaminblue Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 We spoke about it and we agreed not to talk about her exes anymore. I asked her to delete her most recent ex off Facebook. He had messaged her a few weeks ago asking "do you think about us?", etc. regarding her dating life. I don't feel comfortable with this. So, I asked her to delete it. She says it was nothing and that he was a part of her life before. She was reluctant to delete him. And then I put my foot down and said if there's anything serious to happen with us then she should delete him. She said she would. I'm worried that if I do check her Facebook, she still has him as a friend. What should I do if that's the case? thats fair enough......if she has him as a friend still, you do have a problem ask her to delete him again if she doesnt she still has something for her ex and you cannot have something serious with her..............deb
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