Question For Guys

[Leigh 87]

Seriously, I'm not kidding when I say I am confused.

 

 

Let's run through this because you are contradicting yourself

 

 

Explain to me how he used you for sex, if he did all that with the UNDERSTANDING that you were not going to have sex.

 

 

You told him you were not going to have sex, he did all those nice / sweet / whatever things, and then you had sex with him, and some how that means he used you?

 

Is that what happened? Because if that's what happened, he did not use you.

 

 

 

We did have sex on night two, though he said he did not expect it to happen and we were both taken aback.

 

We only had sex one other time in over a week long period.

 

We just watched movies, went to dinner, and hung out most of the time.

 

He paid. I paid once cos I felt bad for him paying, so I snuck in before him and paid for the movies:o To which he said " well, dinner is on me then"

 

He paid for everything which was really sweet.

 

People often say that guys can 100% ACT and LIE to you to get sex, so I was wondering if many guys DO go to the trouble of spending days with a girl with no sex on those days, merely to get sex, when the guy has NO Liking for the girl at all?

 

I hope he did like me as he said he did, and it was not all some elaborate 7 day ACT.

 

I hope you and Curlygirl are right.

[curlygirl40]

I guess he probably did not totally use me for sex then.

 

He probably met me, liked me a lot, and we had sex and spent most of a week together.

 

He lost interest for whatever reason, but I am wrong to assume it was always just sex for him from day one.

 

Some people here said it was in my other thread but I digress: I know happy couples who slept together on day one. Sex does not take away genuine feelings I guy naturally has for a girl.

 

Sorry to confuse you. I basically thought he was really into me, but after he did not text for days and he did not respond to my last text, I thought I would call it a day and tell him to not come back wanting sex. The way a lot of guys do, to girls they lose interest in.

 

I think this is a good way of thinking.

 

The only thing I would add is to say that to tell him in a text 'do not come back wanting sex' is not necessary. If he does for some reason come back only wanting sex, then ignore him at that point. But to warn him ahead of time to not do that is silly. Keep your dignity and walk away.

 

I have a friend who said to me once 'it's better to walk away and lick your wounds in private...' and I agree. Showing them how upset they made you takes the power away from you and gives it to them.

 

You have the right to want a boyfriend who will take things slow and get to know you slowly and to keep in touch with you every day if that's what you want out of a relationship. It doesn't matter why he's not doing that, it's not what YOU want in a relationship.

 

But I'll tell you that if you're not getting that in a relationship, sending needy texts will not help. It just puts the nail in the coffin.

 

I have several guy friends who will agree with you, that having sex early on will not stop them from being in a relationship with the girl if they really like her and find they are compatible with her. But they will also agree if they are really into a girl, they will wait if she wants and will not disappear if she's not ready for sex right away. So it's best to err on the side of caution and get to know each other better first.

 

At least that way you will never feel 'used' when the relationship naturally runs it's course in a week or two and you find you're not compatible for some reason.

[tuxedo cat]

None of these things would turn a guy off if he had true, genuine feelings for a girl.

 

But you can't expect a guy to feel deep feelings after a few days. It's not possible. That early on anything can kill their enthusiasm. Feelings are unstable.

 

I know I've gone from thinking a guy might be might the one to barely being attracted to him within the space of a couple of days.

 

And I think men are even more prone to these sudden changes of heart since they're less naturally monogamous than women.

[xxoo]

None of these things would turn a guy off if he had true, genuine feelings for a girl.

 

If this guy met another girl and felt strongly enough about her, he would not let things like you described put him off.

 

My goodbye message would not turn him off if he TRULY thought I was too special to let go of.

 

Yes, Leigh, they could. The "you're amazing" of someone who just met you is based on an impression of you. If that impression changes, the feelings change.

 

In a space of a couple days, there is only the spark and the ember of feelings. It needs a healthy environment to grow. It can easily be smothered.

[tuxedo cat]

My advice: if you want to keep a guy hooked any degree of emotional heaviness is the kiss of death. Telling him "don't come back wanting sex" = too emotional, sending him an unsolicited gnight photo when he's acting distant = too emotional, texting "if you've lost interest let me know" = too emotional.

[truth_seeker]

 

I have a friend who said to me once 'it's better to walk away and lick your wounds in private...' and I agree. Showing them how upset they made you takes the power away from you and gives it to them.

 

 

I wish someone told me this a long time ago.

[Leigh 87]

I think this is a good way of thinking.

 

The only thing I would add is to say that to tell him in a text 'do not come back wanting sex' is not necessary. If he does for some reason come back only wanting sex, then ignore him at that point. But to warn him ahead of time to not do that is silly. Keep your dignity and walk away.

 

I have a friend who said to me once 'it's better to walk away and lick your wounds in private...' and I agree. Showing them how upset they made you takes the power away from you and gives it to them.

 

You have the right to want a boyfriend who will take things slow and get to know you slowly and to keep in touch with you every day if that's what you want out of a relationship. It doesn't matter why he's not doing that, it's not what YOU want in a relationship.

 

But I'll tell you that if you're not getting that in a relationship, sending needy texts will not help. It just puts the nail in the coffin.

 

I have several guy friends who will agree with you, that having sex early on will not stop them from being in a relationship with the girl if they really like her and find they are compatible with her. But they will also agree if they are really into a girl, they will wait if she wants and will not disappear if she's not ready for sex right away. So it's best to err on the side of caution and get to know each other better first.

 

At least that way you will never feel 'used' when the relationship naturally runs it's course in a week or two and you find you're not compatible for some reason.

 

 

 

 

Yes, it is not that having sex early turns off a guy who truly thinks your amazing and wants to be with you.

 

It just helps to hold off from sex, as it gets rid of the guys who DO just want sex:lmao:

[Leigh 87]

I wish someone told me this a long time ago.

 

 

 

 

Me too:o

 

 

Though I still maintain that, if he felt there was something that special about me, he wouldn't let that goodbye message perturb him.

 

I think it is possible for THIS guy and ANY guy for that matter, to meet a girl ONCE, know her for only a WEEK, but just feel strongly enough about this girl to NOT give up if she wrote such a message to him.

 

That goodbye message I wrote him? If he really liked a girl enough, he would write back at some point " wait, I was genuinely just busy and I really like you"

 

Or something.

 

There is a girl out there for this guy, who he will like SO much that he will NOT let go of her, over a stupid text message she sent him.

[Leigh 87]

Yes, Leigh, they could. The "you're amazing" of someone who just met you is based on an impression of you. If that impression changes, the feelings change.

 

In a space of a couple days, there is only the spark and the ember of feelings. It needs a healthy environment to grow. It can easily be smothered.

 

 

 

In the short period of time he knew me, he would not let my goodbye text stop him, if he truly felt something special.

 

You mentioned u did the slow build thing with your partner, right?

 

Well, I do not believe I want that. For me, I believe you know instantly if a person is special.

 

With this guy I met, and with ALL men; there will always. ALWAYS be a girl, where there is "something" about that girl that is too compelling to let go of.

 

I did not act batsh*t crazy come on. I was not asking him to be my girlfriend, I did not text him incessantly, I did not push to see him.

 

I did NOTHING that was enough to make him think I was THAT crazy, albeit my text was off putting.

 

There is a girl out there that this man will meet, and who could do the EXACT same mistake as I did with the goodbye text, and who he will like ENOUGH to still not let that stop him from being with her.

 

He is better off with her. I am better off with the guy who will overlook such mishaps I have with him, within reason of course, because he simply does not want to let me go.

[curlygirl40]

Me too:o

 

 

Though I still maintain that, if he felt there was something that special about me, he wouldn't let that goodbye message perturb him.

 

I think it is possible for THIS guy and ANY guy for that matter, to meet a girl ONCE, know her for only a WEEK, but just feel strongly enough about this girl to NOT give up if she wrote such a message to him.

 

That goodbye message I wrote him? If he really liked a girl enough, he would write back at some point " wait, I was genuinely just busy and I really like you"

 

Or something.

 

There is a girl out there for this guy, who he will like SO much that he will NOT let go of her, over a stupid text message she sent him.

 

Even though most of us agree that you shouldn't have sent that message, he probably lost interest BEFORE you sent that message. The message didn't help your cause, but IMO it's probably not what caused him to lose interest.

 

You say here 'if he really liked a girl enough, he would write back at some point.....' and I will say that if he really liked a girl enough, he would not go days without being in contact and would not ignore a text from that girl.

 

So you're not wrong to say that if he liked a girl enough that one silly text might not sway him to not be interested, it's just that most likely he lost interest before the text was sent to him.

[spiderowl]

Some guys get really turned on by kissing and so would enjoy that and not want it to stop, even if they knew sex was not going to happen. I wouldn't assume it means they have feelings for you. They might, of course, but that's a separate issue.

[Leigh 87]

Even though most of us agree that you shouldn't have sent that message, he probably lost interest BEFORE you sent that message. The message didn't help your cause, but IMO it's probably not what caused him to lose interest.

 

You say here 'if he really liked a girl enough, he would write back at some point.....' and I will say that if he really liked a girl enough, he would not go days without being in contact and would not ignore a text from that girl.

 

So you're not wrong to say that if he liked a girl enough that one silly text might not sway him to not be interested, it's just that most likely he lost interest before the text was sent to him.

 

 

 

Thanks for reiterating what I already believe to be true.

 

If he was entirely interested up until I sent him that goodbye text, he would not let that text stop him from being with me. Plain and simple.

 

I think it was physical, and the last time we hung out, he was not feeling it as much and realised it was only the physical side he truly cherished haha!

 

Though he probably still thought I was a nice girl. Just not someone he could see himself with long term.

 

It was such a great week with him, totally do not regret it:lmao:

 

I can safely say I have enjoyed myself far more with him, than the time I have spent feeling bad about it ending.

 

I told people I did not care if I ended up getting hurt and I maintain that.

 

I really do not care that I got hurt.

 

I loved the time with this person, was great, he gave me two really good orgasms and most guys do not go down for so long and make me orgasm each time from it.

[Leigh 87]

Some guys get really turned on by kissing and so would enjoy that and not want it to stop, even if they knew sex was not going to happen. I wouldn't assume it means they have feelings for you. They might, of course, but that's a separate issue.

 

 

 

I have yet to meet a guy they would kiss non stop for literally one hour, if they did not have some degree of romantic feelings for them.

 

It does not mean this guy was sure of me yet, but I think he definitely had feelings for me at that point.

[xxoo]

I didn't say you acted crazy. Any small thing can smother early interest. It doesn't have to be a big thing!

 

The message isn't to try to be perfect, but rather not to get invested in the very early days. And don't take the things they say as gospel or prediction of their feelings even 2 weeks later. Things will often change.

[Leigh 87]

I didn't say you acted crazy. Any small thing can smother early interest. It doesn't have to be a big thing!

 

The message isn't to try to be perfect, but rather not to get invested in the very early days. And don't take the things they say as gospel or prediction of their feelings even 2 weeks later. Things will often change.

 

 

 

Of course. All this is correct.

 

Except I don't believe that one text I sent would turn him off and stop him from pursuing me, if he truly was into me up until that point.

[curlygirl40]

You can't win if you don't play.

 

I'll tell you a quick story.

 

I went on about 8 dates with a guy last summer. Had the exclusive - We're not seeing other people while we get to know each other conversation on date 5. Fooled around a little on date 6, had sex on date 7. Met for dinner on date 8.

 

At that point I just wasn't feeling it. I can't explain why but for me, once doubt creeps in it's best to just break it off. I knew he wasn't the guy for me.

 

I left him very confused and I couldn't even really tell him why my feelings had changed, but they did. I did have a conversation with him though to end it, I didn't just fade away I feel that's cruel at that point.

 

He called me a month later to ask my 'professional advice' on something that he could have found on the internet, then he asked me if I thought we gave it enough of a chance. He said to me 'things were going so well I thought, I'm not sure what happened'.

 

I told him I did think that we gave it enough of a chance and that I didn't have any regrets and I'm not sure why my feelings had changed but they had.

 

I know I left that poor guy very confused. He probably wondered some of the same things you do right now. He probably went over the dates in his head, wondered when things changed, wondered if the sex was good (we only had sex that one time).

 

Now, would it be o.k for him to think 'she used me for sex! She got what she wanted then went on one 'pity date' after and dumped me!!'??

 

No. I am looking for a relationship. After 8 dates in a month, after being intimate, I just wasn't feeling it. I can't explain it to myself let alone explain it to him. It just sometimes happens.

 

This guy was a great guy. I enjoyed him as a person. I had a lot of fun with him when we went out. I loved kissing him. None of it was fake. But he wasn't the guy for me and to me, as soon as I know that I feel like it's best to cut them loose than to drag them along.

 

It happens. Pick yourself up and mosey along.

[xxoo]

Of course. All this is correct.

 

Except I don't believe that one text I sent would turn him off and stop him from pursuing me, if he truly was into me up until that point.

 

What exactly does "into you" mean in the context of someone you've known for days?

[Leigh 87]

I'm a little sad guys.

 

We got very close for such a short time.

 

It's hard to be hugged to much and been on the receiving end of so much affection. Only for him to pull away for good.

 

It always sucks to be physically close with a guy who says he thinks you're amazing. For it to come to a sudden end.

 

I'm not a robbot. I am upset.

 

I'm not crying though and I'm pretty much over it.

 

By tomorrow I'll be over it.

 

I just need a day to feel sad at times. Just those occasional moment where, all of a sudden, you feel sad.

 

Oh well. I'm feeling good for the most part. A few moments of feeling bummed about it for a day or two is nothing on the grand scheme of things@!!!

[Leigh 87]

You can't win if you don't play.

 

I'll tell you a quick story.

 

I went on about 8 dates with a guy last summer. Had the exclusive - We're not seeing other people while we get to know each other conversation on date 5. Fooled around a little on date 6, had sex on date 7. Met for dinner on date 8.

 

At that point I just wasn't feeling it. I can't explain why but for me, once doubt creeps in it's best to just break it off. I knew he wasn't the guy for me.

 

I left him very confused and I couldn't even really tell him why my feelings had changed, but they did. I did have a conversation with him though to end it, I didn't just fade away I feel that's cruel at that point.

 

He called me a month later to ask my 'professional advice' on something that he could have found on the internet, then he asked me if I thought we gave it enough of a chance. He said to me 'things were going so well I thought, I'm not sure what happened'.

 

I told him I did think that we gave it enough of a chance and that I didn't have any regrets and I'm not sure why my feelings had changed but they had.

 

I know I left that poor guy very confused. He probably wondered some of the same things you do right now. He probably went over the dates in his head, wondered when things changed, wondered if the sex was good (we only had sex that one time).

 

Now, would it be o.k for him to think 'she used me for sex! She got what she wanted then went on one 'pity date' after and dumped me!!'??

 

No. I am looking for a relationship. After 8 dates in a month, after being intimate, I just wasn't feeling it. I can't explain it to myself let alone explain it to him. It just sometimes happens.

 

This guy was a great guy. I enjoyed him as a person. I had a lot of fun with him when we went out. I loved kissing him. None of it was fake. But he wasn't the guy for me and to me, as soon as I know that I feel like it's best to cut them loose than to drag them along.

 

It happens. Pick yourself up and mosey along.

 

 

I wonder how long this guy would have taken to tell me?

 

If he was going to bother talking to me again.

 

He coukd

[curlygirl40]

There's a country song with a line that goes something like 'I would rather feel pain than nothing at all'

 

Unfortunately disappointment is part of dating. But it's better than closing yourself off and never having these experiences.

 

Give yourself some time to grieve what could have been, then pick yourself up and move along. Nothing wrong with taking a little bit of time to do that

[Leigh 87]

What exactly does "into you" mean in the context of someone you've known for days?

 

 

 

You still know if you like someone enough to get over little hurdles, such as an off text or two.

 

It is long enough for a guy to know if I am worth seeing in spite off one or two off putting texts.

 

A guy knows right away if a girl is worth pursuing.

 

He would know by now if he feels something special enough about me to overcome my latest text.

[xxoo]

You still know if you like someone enough to get over little hurdles, such as an off text or two.

 

It is long enough for a guy to know if I am worth seeing in spite off one or two off putting texts.

 

A guy knows right away if a girl is worth pursuing.

 

He would know by now if he feels something special enough about me to overcome my latest text.

 

Forget the text. It might be something else. Who knows?

 

But you HAVE to let go of this belief that a guy who is SUPER into you on day one will be super into you a week later, or a month later. You like that romantic idea, and it can happen, but it usually doesn't happen that way. You can hope for it, but you can't count on it.

 

He simply doesn't know you well enough to know if he is truly into you. He was REALLY into his early impression, but as we get a fuller picture of each other, that early impression nearly always changes--for better or for worse.

[Leigh 87]

Forget the text. It might be something else. Who knows?

 

But you HAVE to let go of this belief that a guy who is SUPER into you on day one will be super into you a week later, or a month later. You like that romantic idea, and it can happen, but it usually doesn't happen that way. You can hope for it, but you can't count on it.

 

He simply doesn't know you well enough to know if he is truly into you. He was REALLY into his early impression, but as we get a fuller picture of each other, that early impression nearly always changes--for better or for worse.

 

 

 

 

I absolutely agree.

 

I think he was very much into his early impression of me.

 

That is a good point. He was into his early impression; not truly into ME, for all of who I am. As he did not yet know me enough to make that call.

 

I accept his impression changed. I am upset but not overly so.

[Leigh 87]

You brought up that you have fck buddies. You talked about your seeing your ex. You were agressive with texts. Than when you didn't get a response you jumped right to telling him off. Also you are kind of naive so we're going off imperfect information as always with any story that we're told from any one, but more so you.

 

Yes guys do this all the time. Why? Well if you're not committed to some one you're aloud to just stop liking them. Also even if you hate a girl you can still want to do stuff with her as a guy. Funny right?

 

 

 

I don't think this guy hated me lol. I think he really did like me to have acted in the way that he did initially.

 

I think he just changed his mind. No big deal. Happens every day in dating.

 

I told him that, between relationships, I had ONE fck buddy who I liked and respected, rather than sleeping with multiple guys. Which is true.

 

I wanted him to know who I was in terms of how I value sex and relationships. Some men do not go for girls who can have sex outside of a serious relationship.

 

I mentioned my F buddy just once. Asked him if he wanted me to stop seeing him while we got to know each other.

 

He said he would like me to stop, so I did. Simple.

 

I also asked if he cared if I talked to my ex. He agreed it was not cool.

 

I did not talk about these things extensively or in a tasteless manner.

 

I just asked him ONCE how he felt about me interacting with my FWB and my ex, because I had consideration for Jacks feelings and I liked him enough to be willing to be exclusive with him, as I got to know him better.

 

I won't ask the next guy though, I have decided to stop seeing my FWB on my own accord, if I like a guy enough to be exclusive.

[thefooloftheyear]

Good Grief...

 

Leigh...Its time to drop back and punt...Its 4th down with 33 yards for a first down...

 

TFY