Leigh 87 Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 Hey, this one is for the guys on here! Well, dating is proving to be a very fun yet interesting experience:lmao: I want a guys perspective on something. I am really curious about a few things! I am a little unnerved by how far a guy will go for sex! Also, it is alarming how much a guy will do to pretend he is into you! I had an experience recently, and I am wondering a few things. GUYS: if you were not into a girl would you do the following: - regularly stand and kiss her for over one hour? When there was no hope of sex, since you were, say, both about to drive in your separate cars back to your own places? Why kiss a girl for over one hour at a time with no hope of sex, on multiple occasions, and CONSTANTLY "pretend" that you are obsessed with kissing her? - would you spent the entire day, from morning until night, with no sex, with a girl you were not into? Knowing full well both your parents were home and no sex was going to happen the entire day? - Would you pay for all their meals and movies? - Would you bother telling them how much you liked being around them and how amazing you thought they were, as people? ................................. Guys are funny. Their behaviour really fascinates me! I read about guys who COMPLETELY act like that are nuts about a girl, only to disappear for days at a time, and I thought it was not very common:lmao: I find it really fun and interesting when bizarre things like this happens to me:lmao: .................................. Initially, I thought he could genuinely be into me, and still be interested in me. I last saw him Thursday. He has not contacted me by Sunday. We met a week ago, spent every day together, he told me he wanted to be exclusive, and said he had not been with a girl he was as attracted to as me. He is overweight so I believed him, as I cannot see him getting hot girls. I thought he was attractive TO ME though. He showed every sign he was into me in PERSON, sent a few nice texts once, but was not much of a texter and rather SAW me most days instead. ......................... This weekend, he said he was working Fri Sat Sun from 4 - 12 am, but he often worked hours overtime (as manager). He saw me all week so I told him to catch up with his friends and try to get some college work done! He said " I WILL text you, you know" .................................................................................... So yeah. When he had not texted by Saturday night, I sent him a very pretty picture of me ( NOT naked, of my face!) saying " goodnight, hope you have a good weekend). No response last night after he finished work. And no response the next day. So I sent him another message telling him good luck with everything, he is obviously not interested or he would have replied to my text, and can he please not contact me again if he wants sex because I want more than sex with a guy. .......................................................................................... I think I did the right thing. There is a very slim chance he was genuinely into me and nuts about me, as VEERY few guys who DO feel strongly about a girl, ignore a sweet goodnight text. Since he was likely not into me, at least I told him to not contact me again, since many guys DO try to get sex of girls they are not into. .......................................................................................... I would rather cut my losses than believe him if he did, say, text again and pretend that he still wanted to hang out. ( AKA get sex off me) Did I do the right thing? Are there ACTUALLY guys out there who DO legitimately feel strongly about a girl they only just met, yet not contact them for DAYS at a time? Even if you spend days WITH this girl, you would STILL contact her occasionally on your days off, right? I do not want to rule out any guys in the future who may actually like me a lot yet do not call or text much, and prefer to just see me instead. 1
Imajerk17 Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 (edited) IT sounds to me that you both wore yourselves out with your intensity, OR you wore him out with your intensity. A few people warned you this on your other thread but you said they were completely wrong. Hate to say "told you so" but.... Edited September 1, 2013 by Imajerk17 4
Author Leigh 87 Posted September 1, 2013 Author Posted September 1, 2013 But I was not texting or calling him. I was not blowing up his phone or acting crazy. He admitted he was not attracted to his ex that much and had never been S attracted to other girls he was with and I believe him, based on what he is like. I think it was physical and he thought I was interesting. Then it just became physical and he did not feel right about me. Weird. Last time I saw him, he said he wanted more than just friends with me, and he told me he did not want me to hang out with my ex or see other guys. I did not talk to him for 2 days, and sent him a simple goodnight text. You did not answer my questions: how many guys do all those things for sex? Why bother hanging out with a girl that often without sex? He also, um, sexually pleased ME for hours, without asking or alluding to him wanting me to return the favour?
Imajerk17 Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 It's as I told you in your other thread. He would be really really into you, until he wasn't. He didn't do all those things for sex per se, he did them because he was obsessively into you. And then after he was not. That you and he had sex might or might not be the reason. Sorry. But I was not texting or calling him. I was not blowing up his phone or acting crazy. He admitted he was not attracted to his ex that much and had never been S attracted to other girls he was with and I believe him, based on what he is like. I think it was physical and he thought I was interesting. Then it just became physical and he did not feel right about me. Weird. Last time I saw him, he said he wanted more than just friends with me, and he told me he did not want me to hang out with my ex or see other guys. I did not talk to him for 2 days, and sent him a simple goodnight text. You did not answer my questions: how many guys do all those things for sex? Why bother hanging out with a girl that often without sex? He also, um, sexually pleased ME for hours, without asking or alluding to him wanting me to return the favour? 2
Keenly Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 I really don't see what he did wrong exactly? I know what you did wrong, the "you obviously aren't interested" text is a HUGE turn off. You need to be patient. The guy was working some pretty long and messed up hours all weekend if I read that right, and guys will text you when they want to, not when you want them to. 4
Author Leigh 87 Posted September 1, 2013 Author Posted September 1, 2013 Please JUST answer the questions, and do not comment about sex early on with men. I know of people who had sex early on after the first or second date and ate totally in love. Sex does not stop a guy who is truly head over heals for you. I had sex with this guy but most of the time we just hung out with no sex. Clearly he used me for sex, but I think it was a case of him liking to me around me too. And perhaps thinking he had feelings for me more than sex. In any case it is all good, I just want guys here to answer my questions, as to whether THEY or THEIR FRIENDS would do all those things for a girl purely to get sex, without even liking the girl? I find it startling, since I cannot imagine spending time with a person I did not even like. I mean. How irritating?
Author Leigh 87 Posted September 1, 2013 Author Posted September 1, 2013 It's as I told you in your other thread. He would be really really into you, until he wasn't. He didn't do all those things for sex per se, he did them because he was obsessively into you. And then after he was not. That you and he had sex might or might not be the reason. Sorry. I agree with you. I think he was really into me for a second. I won't be sleeping with a guy early on and I will be getting to know a guy well before considering dating them. It eliminates issues like these. Lesson learnt. I am glad I told him to not contact me for sex though. Some guys would have. Knowing full well they were not into me.
Keenly Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 regularly stand and kiss her for over one hour? When there was no hope of sex, since you were, say, both about to drive in your separate cars back to your own places? Yes I would, even if I never intended to have sex with a girl. Kissing is fun. I don't need to want to sex to kiss a girl. Why kiss a girl for over one hour at a time with no hope of sex, on multiple occasions, and CONSTANTLY "pretend" that you are obsessed with kissing her? I don't understand your logic. You can be obsessed with kissing some one and not necessarily want sex. How was he pretending exactly? - would you spent the entire day, from morning until night, with no sex, with a girl you were not into? Knowing full well both your parents were home and no sex was going to happen the entire day? Yes, I would, because sex isn't the end all, be all of my life. I would happily spend an entire day with a girl I liked just to be around her. - Would you pay for all their meals and movies? Yes, I would. Sex is irrelevant in chivalry world. - Would you bother telling them how much you liked being around them and how amazing you thought they were, as people? Yes, I would, because sex is irrelevant to compliments and affection / attraction. 9
Author Leigh 87 Posted September 1, 2013 Author Posted September 1, 2013 I really don't see what he did wrong exactly? I know what you did wrong, the "you obviously aren't interested" text is a HUGE turn off. You need to be patient. The guy was working some pretty long and messed up hours all weekend if I read that right, and guys will text you when they want to, not when you want them to. You know, I wish you were right! I guess I just did not think it was likely that he could be that into me yet not find one minute to text " goodnight" or " I cannot wait to see you next" Well I sent him " have a good weekend" and " good nigh sweet dreams here is a pic for you:)" ............... I know there are guys like you describe, who can genuinely really like a girl, yet go DAYS without texting them. The thing is, MOST guys are NOT like that. Most guys who are crazy about a girl they just met will find a mere minute of their time to call or text them. I thought I would cut my losses now, rather than risk having sex with a guy who only wanted sex and is not into me.
xxoo Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 Men have entire relationships with women they are not terribly into for steady sex. Certainly a young man will super romantic and adoring for a few weeks in the hope of sex. Maybe he got freaked out by the whole instant girlfriend thing? Sometimes young people do not predict well the consequences of their actions, and how they will feel about them. They do things because they are swept up in the moment, and later think, "WTF have I done?" 5
Author Leigh 87 Posted September 1, 2013 Author Posted September 1, 2013 regularly stand and kiss her for over one hour? When there was no hope of sex, since you were, say, both about to drive in your separate cars back to your own places? Yes I would, even if I never intended to have sex with a girl. Kissing is fun. I don't need to want to sex to kiss a girl. Why kiss a girl for over one hour at a time with no hope of sex, on multiple occasions, and CONSTANTLY "pretend" that you are obsessed with kissing her? I don't understand your logic. You can be obsessed with kissing some one and not necessarily want sex. How was he pretending exactly? - would you spent the entire day, from morning until night, with no sex, with a girl you were not into? Knowing full well both your parents were home and no sex was going to happen the entire day? Yes, I would, because sex isn't the end all, be all of my life. I would happily spend an entire day with a girl I liked just to be around her. - Would you pay for all their meals and movies? Yes, I would. Sex is irrelevant in chivalry world. - Would you bother telling them how much you liked being around them and how amazing you thought they were, as people? Yes, I would, because sex is irrelevant to compliments and affection / attraction. SO you would do all those things if you did not like a girl?
Keenly Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 You know, I wish you were right! I guess I just did not think it was likely that he could be that into me yet not find one minute to text " goodnight" or " I cannot wait to see you next" Well I sent him " have a good weekend" and " good nigh sweet dreams here is a pic for you:)" ............... I know there are guys like you describe, who can genuinely really like a girl, yet go DAYS without texting them. The thing is, MOST guys are NOT like that. Most guys who are crazy about a girl they just met will find a mere minute of their time to call or text them. I thought I would cut my losses now, rather than risk having sex with a guy who only wanted sex and is not into me. I don't know where you are getting your "MOST guys do this, or do that" You are putting a majority of billions of people into a tiny little box based on your past experiences. You have interacted or read / heard about less than .00005% of the entire male population, yet you can tell us how most of them behave? Every single man is different, just as every single woman is different. Would it really be fair for me to say "MOST women are attention whores" because that's 90% of my personal experience? Of course not. 1
Keenly Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 SO you would do all those things if you did not like a girl? That's not what you asked. If I didn't like the girl, the dates would never have taken place. You asked if there was no sex expected or wanted.
curlygirl40 Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 I'm going to comment on this quickly, Leigh, before it's 32 pages long. :-) I know we are in different age brackets, but since I married VERY young and stayed married for 18 years, even at my old (ha) age I am just now learning this dating thing myself. Have you read any of the dating books that are out there? If/when you do, you have to take the good with the bad. Some of the advice might seem a little out there but take what you can from the books and leave the stuff that sounds hokey. Read 'you lost him at hello', 'he's just not that into you', 'the tao of dating' and others like that. If you go to Amazon you will find several. Read them. Follow the advice. Date smarter. Then have some rules that you don't break. Guys will beat me up for this but there's a reason for them. Do not chase. Show interest to them, reciprocate, but do not chase. If he pulls away, you pull away more. If a guy goes 3-5 days without getting in touch with you then MOVE ON. He's not interested. If a guy is interested he will let you know. There's NO reason whatsoever to send a 'if you're just not interested, you can just let me know' or a 'good luck to you, you've obviously lost interest' type of message. For one, it makes you sound crazy. For another, it accomplishes nothing. NOTHING. Imagine him on the other end looking at that text and rolling his eyes. What do you hope to accomplish? That all of a sudden he's going to remember how much he liked you and then worry he'll lose you? Nope. He's already lost interest most likely and you've just pushed him more away by coming across as needy. And again, to say to him 'don't contact me if you just want sex'. Again, not worth saying. If for some reason he does 'booty call' you in the future after going 'poof', the best revenge is ignoring. Silence is golden in that situation. You need to live with the fact that sometimes, you're just not going to know the 'why'. As women, we want to know the 'why'. We usually want things in tiny boxes that we can label and put on a shelf. You need to know that sometimes, you're just not going to know the 'why'. Even if you get an answer out of him, it will most likely be bs so you're not going to know anyway. So let it go and move along. If a guy comes on strong, like this guy did, it's bound to fizzle. You see it on these boards all the time. Of course it's a rush to have someone be THAT into you and not be able to stop kissing you and want to see you every day when you first meet or get together. But you need to see it for what it is, a red flag. Either dismiss these guys completely or find a way to slow them down. Don't see them every day, don't kiss them for hours on end. Always leave them wanting more. If you send one text or e-mail or phone call without getting a reply, DO NOT, 100% do not send anything else. This is a sign. You sent him a pretty picture of you and he didn't reply at all? Not even the next day? This guy has lost interest somewhere along the way and can't find his balls to tell you. IMO, of course. You seem confused about this guy like maybe he did all of that just for sex. He most likely didn't. He did like you as a person, he did enjoy being with you, he was obviously attracted to you, his feelings for you were genuine at the time - you didn't imagine that. But for some reason he lost interest. He might have met someone else, this just might be his personality to blow hot and cold, he might always start off strong and fizzle, he might have decided he wasn't ready for a relationship, maybe he was scared about the pace it was going. Did you ask him how long his longest relationship was? That might be a sign. I read your last thread although didn't comment. You seem like a great girl who has worked on yourself a lot to get where you are right now. Don't feel defeated or that you did something wrong or that he was using you. People change their minds or lose interest for a variety of reasons. Look at it as a lesson. It's not that you're not good enough or pretty enough or that he was just using you. You were both attracted to each other and took a chance but you moved too fast and then it fizzled. I think it's something in his personality here, not yours. He moved way too fast in the beginning. And instead of seeing it for the huge red flag that it was, you soaked it up. Next time, you'll know. Keep your head up and always keep your dignity. Best of luck! 13
Author Leigh 87 Posted September 1, 2013 Author Posted September 1, 2013 Men have entire relationships with women they are not terribly into for steady sex. Certainly a young man will super romantic and adoring for a few weeks in the hope of sex. Maybe he got freaked out by the whole instant girlfriend thing? Sometimes young people do not predict well the consequences of their actions, and how they will feel about them. They do things because they are swept up in the moment, and later think, "WTF have I done?" He was 22. I am 26. I did not pressure him into being a girlfriend. I told him I like guys I am with to spend time with their friends and not just be around me all the time. I told him to go see his friends this weekend and catch up on Uni work. Since he was working every single night and afternoon. It is when he did not text or call at all, and then ignored the one text I sent him, that I knew he had a change of heart about me in the last days that I saw him. Or possibly he knew the entire time it was just sex he was after, and he happened to like hanging around me and kissing me a lot too. Without wanting more from me. I am not sure WHY he told me that he did not want me to see other people, and he just wanted me for himself.
Author Leigh 87 Posted September 1, 2013 Author Posted September 1, 2013 That's not what you asked. If I didn't like the girl, the dates would never have taken place. You asked if there was no sex expected or wanted. I think he used me for sex, so I was baffled that he would do all those things, like kissing me for hours knowing that we would not have sex and also spending entire days with me. I would personally not hang out with a person all day if I did not like them that much:lmao: Then again I am a girl. I do not want sex from men badly enough to go pretending I like them, and trying to stomach hanging out with a man I do not like for sex. No matter how "hot" they are!
xxoo Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 I meant that he could have freaked out about his making you his instant girlfriend. He acted impulsively (you did, too, but you don't seem to see it), and wouldn't surprise me if he later thought, "I need to back off a bit."
Keenly Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 He was 22. I am 26. I did not pressure him into being a girlfriend. I told him I like guys I am with to spend time with their friends and not just be around me all the time. I told him to go see his friends this weekend and catch up on Uni work. Since he was working every single night and afternoon. It is when he did not text or call at all, and then ignored the one text I sent him, that I knew he had a change of heart about me in the last days that I saw him. Or possibly he knew the entire time it was just sex he was after, and he happened to like hanging around me and kissing me a lot too. Without wanting more from me. I am not sure WHY he told me that he did not want me to see other people, and he just wanted me for himself. Do you understand why this is confusing? You are saying one thing, but expecting another. You said, go be with your friends, and then you think "why is he ignoring me" I'm confused already.
xxoo Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 He was sweet to you, and you had mutually desired sex. It was way too early for this to be anything but casual sex at this point. How did he use you? 4
Keenly Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 Seriously, I'm not kidding when I say I am confused. Let's run through this because you are contradicting yourself Explain to me how he used you for sex, if he did all that with the UNDERSTANDING that you were not going to have sex. You told him you were not going to have sex, he did all those nice / sweet / whatever things, and then you had sex with him, and some how that means he used you? Is that what happened? Because if that's what happened, he did not use you.
curlygirl40 Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 It is when he did not text or call at all, and then ignored the one text I sent him, that I knew he had a change of heart about me in the last days that I saw him. Or possibly he knew the entire time it was just sex he was after, and he happened to like hanging around me and kissing me a lot too. Without wanting more from me. I am not sure WHY he told me that he did not want me to see other people, and he just wanted me for himself. When he did not text or call at all, and then ignored the one text you sent him, THAT right there is your sign that he lost interest. And again, from reading the story, he did like you. He was genuine at the time. He did like you as a person. A guy who is just looking for sex does not tell you he doesn't want you to see other people, doesn't take down his profile, etc., etc. I believe he meant all of it when he said it, but then for some reason he had a change of heart. Got scared, lost interest, met someone else. Something. I wouldn't think for one more second that he did all of this intentionally just for sex. It doesn't make sense.
Author Leigh 87 Posted September 1, 2013 Author Posted September 1, 2013 I guess he probably did not totally use me for sex then. He probably met me, liked me a lot, and we had sex and spent most of a week together. He lost interest for whatever reason, but I am wrong to assume it was always just sex for him from day one. Some people here said it was in my other thread but I digress: I know happy couples who slept together on day one. Sex does not take away genuine feelings I guy naturally has for a girl. Sorry to confuse you. I basically thought he was really into me, but after he did not text for days and he did not respond to my last text, I thought I would call it a day and tell him to not come back wanting sex. The way a lot of guys do, to girls they lose interest in.
Author Leigh 87 Posted September 1, 2013 Author Posted September 1, 2013 When he did not text or call at all, and then ignored the one text you sent him, THAT right there is your sign that he lost interest. And again, from reading the story, he did like you. He was genuine at the time. He did like you as a person. A guy who is just looking for sex does not tell you he doesn't want you to see other people, doesn't take down his profile, etc., etc. I believe he meant all of it when he said it, but then for some reason he had a change of heart. Got scared, lost interest, met someone else. Something. I wouldn't think for one more second that he did all of this intentionally just for sex. It doesn't make sense. Thanks so much, your advice was really helpful. You're right. People are just so cynical and pessimistic, that people on the other thread said he only wanted sex and there is no way he actually liked me and was into me. I agree with you. He had a change of heart. I won't sent a goodbye message to any guys in the future, you are so right about that, it would be a huge turn off. I admit I was irrational when I sent it and I knew I was being irrational, but I was so hurt how he really seemed SO into me I wanted him to have a chance to either tell me I was wrong, or if he was genuinely not interested, he would know to never use me as a booty call since I told him to NOT contact me for sex. I won't be doing that again. In future, I will let them fade and ignore them.
tuxedo cat Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 Most likely a combination of: 1) you turned him off with that "you probably aren't interested" text. 2) he burnt himself out with the intensity. If you had drawn some boundaries and seen him less often he probably wouldn't have lost interest.
Author Leigh 87 Posted September 1, 2013 Author Posted September 1, 2013 Most likely a combination of: 1) you turned him off with that "you probably aren't interested" text. 2) he burnt himself out with the intensity. If you had drawn some boundaries and seen him less often he probably wouldn't have lost interest. None of these things would turn a guy off if he had true, genuine feelings for a girl. If this guy met another girl and felt strongly enough about her, he would not let things like you described put him off. My goodbye message would not turn him off if he TRULY thought I was too special to let go of.
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