mugirl213 Posted November 15, 2004 Posted November 15, 2004 So basically I'm in need of an opinion. I'm at my wits end, and I don't know what to do. I am in desperate need of someone to look at this situation objectively and tell me if I'm crazy for sticking with it...or crazy for NOT sticking with it. I'm at a loss and my personal feelings on the situation have totally and completely clouded my judgement. I overheard my bf on the phone Saturday talking with his brother about Thanksgiving...then I heard him say something to the effect of "No........no.....It's too early. No, it's just too early." And I kinda had an idea of what I was listening to. I got upset...(being period time and all)...and he came over to ask what was wrong. Now keep in mind that I just found out Friday that he's not going to be home for my birthday (2/13) OR Valentine's day in February. So that eliminates Christmas, Thanksgiving, Vday and my bday that we'll spend together. So I told him I was upset about this and upset that we couldn't spend the holidays together. He attempted to comfort me and then asked what was bothering me. I said, well basically I want to know why you don't want me to go to your parents for Thanksgiving. He proceeds to tell me that it is "too early" (suspicion confirmed) to take me a long (Now keep in mind I also overheard him telling his dad on Friday that he was going to be away for my birthday/valentines day and then it sounded like his Dad told him to take me with to Vegas...and then he proceeds to say how he works all day long and then "night is pretty much work too, with building relationships with vendors, etc.") and that taking someone home to dinner is a big step. I say...well before you told me that it was because you don't take people home for holidays. And he said...yes, that's right...it's too early and my mom pretty much told me not to bring anyone home for dinner until I was engaged. And I said...in 3 years you never spent a holiday with Amy (his ex)? And he said...no....oh...I spent one Easter with her....and it's just that my mom gets attached to anyone I bring home. So I said..ohh? You don't want your mom attached to me because I'm not going to be around that long? Is that the case? And he said...No, it's not. And I said, Well why haven't I met her yet? And he said...because she lives 2 1/2 hours away...it's not that you're in the same city that often. So that convo ended b/c he felt there wasn't anything more to discuss and he went about his way and I about mine. Well..after I got over being upset, I went to him and said I was sorry for getting on his case...that this is not how I'm used to spending my holidays...I'm used to sharing them with my sign. other. He said he understood but for him taking a girl home for the holidays is a HUGE step. Well...somehow when we were having this convo, I got upset again, and we got into it. I said, I really came over to apologize for my earlier actions...not get into another disagreement. Basically, he said, I feel like we are at different points in the relationship and that is what causes problems sometimes. Well, since this topic has been weighing on my mind, I decided it was time to spill the beans. I said...I thought we were in the same place? He said...well maybe, and you call it love, and to me love is something else? I said...Oh? What is love to you? He said...I don't know. I said...well to be honest, I do feel that my feelings cause problems when we have disagreements. They seem very detrimental to me, basically because I know when I love someone, I am devoted to them and working through any problems we may have...and I know when I DON"T love someone, I don't feel this way...and I feel less committed to the relationship. Now I know your feelings for me, aren't as strong as mine for you, so I don't knkow if you feel the way I do about commitment to the relationship. So..when we argue, I feel that I can't just worry about solving the problem at hand, but moreso, preserving the integrity of the relationship. He went on to say, basically that there were no guarantees and that that's how relationships are in teh beginning and that it is still early and that he was committed to me, but...there were no guarantees about anything. I asked him how he feels about me and he said that he likes me a lot (hurray for being liked lol) and that we're great cuddlers, we get along great and see eye to eye on a lot of things, have similar tastes etc. Then he went on to say how he is still dealing with things from Amy. And I said...well I know you are...how are you doing with that? He said...well the feelings aren't as intense...I think it's going to take years for me to stop loving her, that doesn't go away and it sucks to love someone you don't want to. I was like...oh...years?.......well I just wanted to let you know if you need to talk to me about any of that, you can,I know I haven't been supportive in the past...and I see that that was wrong of me, so I'm going to try and be there for you if you need it. He said...It's ok, I think I am doing ok with this on my own. I know you're worried about me loving you... I said...I'm not trying to pressure you...I just want you to know how I feel without you having to feel the same way. And he said...Well....I feel bad that I don't feel the same way...but things were like this with Amy...she was worried that I was never going to feel that way about her and then one day after like 1 1/2-2 years...I did. And I said, so what? You wake up one day and just realize..hmmm I'm in love today. And he's like...yeah, basically. And I said, well do you feel that potential is there with me? And he said...yes...it just takes me time. So this is the basic gist of the conversation...what I want to know is...am I being a complete and utter fool for sticking in this relationship hoping that one day he is going to love me? I honestly thought he DID love me...but now I'm not so sure after that convo. I just don't know what to do... Just for the other info...we've been together 10 months.. For the record...I'm used to sharing the holidays with my bf's...we always have...it's like the more the merrier...and usually I'd eat two big dinners Christmas day (which sucks...but hey it's all part of the fun!
Merin Posted November 16, 2004 Posted November 16, 2004 Damn! 10 Months together.. and he thinks it's to "soon" for you to meet his family.. There are a lot of things in your thread that I Personally would find more than troublesome regarding this guy and situation.. Amy... now while I can understand that they dated for some time, and obviously he had feelings for her.. the problem is this.. he STILL has feelings for her AND he's telling you about them.. I for real had a crappy relationship that just ended but OMG IF he had told me "Well ya know it sucks to Love someone (and it's not me he's talking about) but hey I do love this other girl.. so oh well, that sucks.. and maybe/possibly (crap I'll go out on a limb and even say probably) those feelings will eventually go away" I would have freaked out!! It is troublesome that he is telling you how long it took for him to fall in Love with another woman.. and it's the same woman he says he STILL loves then he goes on to say it could take YEARS for him to get over this?! Yeah.. I would say there are a lot of issues on the table here.. Are you crazy for sticking it out with him.. only you can make that call. All I will say is this.. Be true to yourself, and don't make excuses for his whacked out behaviour or feel responsible to help him get over Amy.. Good Luck
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