Maxwell96 Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 (edited) I have been married for 10 years. When I met my husband I was in a bad place. I was young & stopped believing I would find love. He seemed nice enough & had a decent job. There were some red flags that should hv sent me running but I stayed. Over time he became very controlling. He hoarded all of our money although I worked full time. He dictated how we spent our time. If I made plans with friends he would throw a fit. I stopped going out to avoid this. It got to the point where if I did want to go somewhere I would let him know a month in advance and remind him everyday so it wasn't a surprise and I could avoid the outburst. He would then pester me about when I would arrive home. If I said 8:30 and it was 8:35 the phone calls would start. Every minute and then if I didn't answer the calls would then start on my friends phone. He would act hyper and like he was hving a nervous breakdown about when i would be home. Overtime I withdrew from most social activities. He even took issue with yoga..lol. I became like a robot working 9-6 mon. thru fri. taking care of my kids and that was it. He didn't assist with the kids, housework, yard work.. My inner light went out. I work from home so I rarely left the house. I was so down and couldn't figure out y..laughable really. I started seeing a therapist weekly. We would discuss the kids and how I should schedule some me time but I never discussed my husband and the control issues. It was like I was in denial and didn't even realize the severity of what was going on. Then one day I had a 102 fever and was sitting in the doctors office waiting..so I went on facebook and this is where it all began...this guy instant messaged me. We had a friendly chat. I didn't know him but we went to school together so I figured he remembered me. Throughout my marriage there were no male friends whatsoever. So texting him felt really wrong. We would message ever few days. Then it spiraled out of control. We really liked each other. We would flirt and txt through out the day. Eventually we met for lunch and shared a little kiss. Fireworks went off. Then we were on the phone often. Then we were meeting up regularly. I was always in trouble with my husband so I felt like i was finally doing a crime worthy of the punishment. It was almost a joke to me. He would go nuts over a dish hving a spot on it. This guy turned out to be the most loving, sweet guy. My facebook status says married and that does bother me but he says he just looked at my pic and messaged me that he didn't see that. He's not married. He said it was too late to turn around after we talked and realized we loved talking. I felt alive again. We had great conversation & lots of sexting. We had amazing sex. The chemistry between us is unreal. We can spend hours together and they go by in what feels like minutes. I love the sound of his voice, his personality. There are some huge problems though he is 35 and just getting his GED, lives with his parents. He doesn't hv a career path. He puts wood floors down & paints with his father about once a week. He is very handy & knows how fix anything. I am madly in love with him and on paper it doesn't make sense. I hv a nice home, car but material things don't make you happy. I was planning to end things with my husband after feeling as though I opened my eyes and saw what was making me miserable. I was fired from my well paying job yesterday so now I feel like i hv to stay until I can get my feel on the ground again. The new guy I feel so in love with it's crazy. We talk about a future together but I don't see how that's possible being that we are both unemployed. The love seems so real & almost dream like. My husband found out and it has been a rough 6 months. I haven't been able to end the affair. My husbands behavior got much worse. Spyware on my computer & phone, tracking devices on my car. Following me. Spying on me. My life seems to be spiraling out of control. Any insight or advice for me? Edited September 3, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs
Artie Lang Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 (edited) wow! you sure have a winner in this OM. it sounds like you have a ****ty marriage, so why not end it and pursue a relationship with "mr. wonderful," who has no career; lives with his parents(at 35); and exemplifies the true meaning of bottom feeder. good luck with that. Edited September 1, 2013 by Artie Lang 3
BetrayedH Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 End your affair. Take some time to decide if you're going to recommit to your marriage or divorce. If you divorce, THEN you can properly date the single guy. In the meantime, quit pretending you're single while you're married.
BrokenPrincess Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 Why didn't you leave your H when he found out about your affair 6 months ago? 2
2sure Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 I'm wondering...if you were able to find time to see this guy within your husbands crazy time restrictions....you work from home, so did this affect your job and is this why you were fired? Wanting to leave your husband is valid, but losing your job makes tht harder... It's possible meeting other man was not in your best interest although leaving your husband may be. 2
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 I have been married for 10 years. When I met my husband I was in a bad place. I was young & stopped believing I would find love. He seemed nice enough & had a decent job. Any insight or advice for me? My advice is to stop putting up with your husband's unbelievably cruel treatment, tell him you love the other man, and go live with the other man. Forget about the material things, they don't make you happy, and you pay too high a price for them. What is wrong that you are willing to deny your one true love just for the sake of material things? Did you tell your husband before you married him that you only were marrying him because "he seemed nice enough and had a decent job"? Are you willing to lie to people to get what you want? Do you think it's OK to use your husband, who you only married because he seemed nice enough had a decent job, while you really despise him now and want to be with other man? How do you rationalize your actions toward your husband? Starting with marrying him in the first place? Up until now, when you are only staying with him for your own selfish purposes? Your husband sounds like a miserable POS. You come off as a selfish user. Can you see how your post would make me feel this way? Post something else to help me see it differently.
Mr. Lucky Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 There are some huge problems though he is 35 and just getting his GED, lives with his parents. He doesn't hv a career path. He puts wood floors down & paints with his father about once a week. I wonder if you weren't so unhappy in your marriage and desperate to get out, how this guy would look to you ??? My guess would be that, in the real or virtual world, you wouldn't give him the time of day... Mr. Lucky
Author Maxwell96 Posted September 1, 2013 Author Posted September 1, 2013 Why don't you leave your H when he found out about your affair 6 months ago? We share a home and have Kids. I have told him its over I don't wear my rings. We sleep separately. When my husband found out within 2 weeks he was on dating sites and dated at least 30 women in under 2 months.
Author Maxwell96 Posted September 1, 2013 Author Posted September 1, 2013 I didn't use him. I just wasn't deeply in love with him. I Tried to leave him in the beginning but he was very persistent about us being together. Ite also has 2 children that he introduced me to early on and i started to feel like i needed to be there for them. I just lost my job for most of the marriage i made an equal income or more thsan him. i gave him my life savings to start a business when he lost his job. It was a mistake to marry him. Because the feelings werent mutual. i don't believe he truly loves me tho either.
Author Maxwell96 Posted September 1, 2013 Author Posted September 1, 2013 (edited) End your affair Take some time to decide if you're going to recwhoit to your marriage or divorce. If you divorce, THEN you can properly date the single guy. In the meantime, quit pretending you're single while you're married. Everyone in my life has given me the same advise. It sounds so logical but it has been too difficult to Leave the man i fell in love with. My therapist advised me not to give him up bc she daid hes like a happy pill for me. Edited September 3, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Fixed quote
Author Maxwell96 Posted September 1, 2013 Author Posted September 1, 2013 (edited) wow! you sure have a winner in this OM. it sounds like you have a ****ty marriage, so why not end it and pursue a relationship with "mr. wonderful," who has no career; lives with his parents(at 35); and exemplifies the true meaning of bottom feeder. good luck with that. Yes, I am questioning my sanity. I do feel so in love. The sex is unreal. So good I can't make a logical decision. Love can make u do crazy things. My husband thinks I'm addicted to the sex. Edited September 3, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author Maxwell96 Posted September 1, 2013 Author Posted September 1, 2013 (edited) I'm wondering...if you were able to find time this guy within youlol husbands crazy time rehelctions....you work from home, so did this affect your job and is this why you were fired? Wanting to leave your husband is valid, but losing your job makes tht harder... It's possible meeting other man was not in your best interest although leaving your husband may be. The Affair did take away my ability to focus and do my best work. The company laid off 30% of the staff and i was a top earner. So that combined with this love distraction didnt helP. I agree leaving my husband is some thing i must do. He says he`s a changed man..lol. Its funny though i was blind to my husbands mistreatment until the om came along. Edited September 3, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Fixed quote
BetrayedH Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 (edited) End your affair Take some time to decide if you're going to recwhoit to your marriage or divorce. If you divorce, THEN you can properly date the single guy. In the meantime, quit pretending you're single while you're married. Everyone in my life has given me the same advise. It sounds so logical but it has been too difficult to Leave the man i fell in love with. My therapist advised me not to give him up bc she daid hes like a happy pill for me. It might be time to start making decisions with your head instead of with your emotions. Edited September 3, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Fixed quotes 1
BetrayedH Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 Its funny though i was blind to my husbands mistreatment until the om came along. This is a common phenomenon; it's referred to as rewriting your marital history. Your affair is a fantasy that has almost none of the challenges of a real-life relationship full of shared reaponsibilities, laundry, crying kids, and so forth. You both put on your best show for one another. It's like a honeymoon but it goes on longer because you can't be together all the time. The sex is off the charts because if you're going to risk your whole life for some sex, it's going to be no holds barred. Men love this, of course, and so they'll do anything to keep that up. The fact is that the dynamics of an affair are vastly different from a long-term relationship that has matured and where there are shared responsibilities. Your husband simply cannot compete with a fantasy affair. That's why you need to extricate yourself from the affair and start looking at things more objectively. Again, it's time to start using your head instead of your emotions. You can either keep digging further into the rabbit hole or you can start digging your way out. Sadly, most need to hit rock bottom before they stop.
whichwayisup Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 It might be time to start making decisions with your head instead of with your emotions. I agree with this. And your T shouldn't be shoving you towards the OM and rely on him to make you happy (aka your happy pill). Sorry, but that's bad advice from her. The OM is 35, still living at home and let's just say he is happy enough with his job. It's easy and comfortable. He has no real responsibilities, so you need to ask yourself 'once the honeymoon stage ends can this guy BE a great step father to my children? A good role model? Will he provide for us? etc etc' I say divorce your husband, figure out custody arrangements, be on your own for a while and just date that guy when the timing is right.
goldencloud Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 you're escaping the hardship in your own marriage. believe me, i've been there. not saying yours is exactly the same but there is always an similar theme to these things. to admit a marriage might be rocky/empty/distant is hard and it seems easier to 'escape' and my honest opinion is that this is all escape. an affair is always attractive, secrecy is always alluring but in cold sober light, it amounts to nothing (at least for the most part). what would this 'love' actually even bring to your life? this happiness is illusory, and maybe you think it's what you want but sadly i believe you were happy in yourself and your life, you would not give this man a second look. i hope it all works out. its always rough but this really is the time to think logically. you say your relationship has many dark spots, unless something severe is going on, is it not best to invest energy in what you already have?
Artie Lang Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 The sex is unreal. So good I can't make a logical decision. Love can make u do crazy things. okaaay..... so, are you with this OM because he's good in the sack, or because you truly feel a connection with him? what i mean is, can you two make it without the "unreal" sex? there must be more to this relationship than making your toes curl.
harrybrown Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 You are in a fantasy. Go ahead and make the stupid mistake of being with this guy who lives with his parents at age 35. Make a huge decision to make your life hell and regret what you did by getting with this loser. When reality sets in, you will see what the h*** have I done? Go to your counselor and get your counselor to have you live in the real world, get out of the fantasy land and go no contact with your loser cheating affair partner. WAKE UP, before it is too late.
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