motimo Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 (edited) First, let me thank all of you for sharing your experiences on this site. It's been incredibly helpful -both telling me want I want to hear and what I needed to hear- in the process of my dealing with my girlfriend breaking up with me. I'll try to keep this as short as possible, but hope I can share what's helped/hurt me during the 4 months since I was dumped. Basic Info: Me: Dumpee Our Relationship: 4.5 years/4 years living together, moved across the country together, talked of marriage, kids, etc.. Our problems: Due to stress/anxiety (GAD for me), not enough space, a lot of life pressure, bad coping habits, we got into a terrible communication rut, argued too much, couldn't seem to get out of it, despite loving each other very deeply. We were somewhat open about the issues we were having but neither of us did much to fix it, or we tried to in some ways but didn't have the tools/skills to do so. I still believe our problems were for the most part normal and fixable, and my therapist agreed. Our Love As I said, we loved each other deeply and wanted to make it work. Even after the breakup/NC, we still care about each other and have many mutual friends. Our families like us, little tension there and mostly warm feelings all around. The breakup: We saw the same issues, she thought it was time to move on, fell out of love, wasn't attracted to me, etc... I had felt the same about a year before but realized it was due to my own anxiety not her/us. I wanted to go to counseling together instead of breaking up because I thought if we just dealt with our stress and communication issues, things would be very good again. She considered this, but didn't see it the same way. To me, we had just gotten to that point in our relationship where life got in the way. We were both going through a stressful time and lost ourselves a little. She saw this too to some degree. She's more of a fate person, I'm more of a pragmatist, so I think that was a big part of our different view. As a serial monogamist, she was looking to jump into something else, rather than fix problems, I'm the opposite. I'm sure the truth lies somewhere in between. We were polite with each other, I helped her move and look for places to live, we went out for several hours the night she moved out, had a bottle of wine she had bought me a few years earlier, a great meal, more wine, great conversation, she said she was open to reconciliation after a bit of a reset. I was pretty understanding of her feelings and she mine. I tried to get everything out - admit my mistakes, apologize, tell her how much I loved her and how much I valued our relationship and how much I wanted to make things better. Realizations after the breakup For me, I went immediately into therapy for the breakup and discovered I was suffering from GAD and that this had caused a lot of problems. She has her own anxiety issues, but is not as open/honest about them. In retrospect, I took on too much blame and guilt for my part because I didn't want to take her off the pedestal I'd put her on. I won't get into her issues, but over time I realized she had a lot more than I realized. What we did after breakup: We were low contact for a while, despite me saying I wanted NC. Our contact was mainly a handful of emails during the first several weeks, initiated by me, mostly apologizing, explaining my anxiety and its impact, etc...She was kind and told me not to beat myself up about it. I didn't necessarily realize it at the time, but I hadn't moved on as much as I thought. She got a lease for an apartment she couldn't afford and unrealistically/illegally planned to "rent out the garage" to someone. My therapist told me at the time that I should be on guard, that she was desperate, that she would get a bad roomate or a new boyfriend or want me back in an unhealthy way because she had put herself in a bad situation. She herself told me she was very nervous about how she was going to pay for it. This is one of her issues - unrealistic about money, etc... About 7-8 weeks after we broke up, I ran into her at a favorite bar kissing her friend. I had become a little jealous of their budding relationship while we were together, thought they were flirty, etc... It was an open discussion between us. Some of it was just jealousy on my part, some of it was feeling her withdraw from me a little at times, and more so in the last few months of our thing. She admitted when we broke up that she was too flirty. She didn't admit too much in terms of her role in our problems, but she did say that and few other things. Anyway, I walked up to them, told them this was extremely hurtful. He looked like a deer in headlights. She and I talked for a minute, and I told her she'd lied to me (I had asked if she was going to this guy when we broke up and she said no, despite the fact she was hanging out with him a lot). She said she didn't have to talk to me and went back inside. As I left the bar, I got angry (anxiety disorder ramped it up more). I started texting her and saying she didn't care about me, she was dismissing our relationship so quickly, I loved her and wanted her, that she was running from her problems, etc...it was not pretty, but she kept responding, apologizing, telling me she cared about me a lot and treasured our relationship, and then eventually telling me enough was enough with my rant. By morning, I had apologized for the angry words, told her I would respect her space, that I loved her. She said she understood the anger, thanked me for respecting her space, and wished me the best. After this, we went NC for two months until a few weeks ago when I had to contact her to send the last few things from my apartment. Our exchange was very short and polite - wishing each other well, etc.. Needless to say, they have been dating pretty much since we broke up (about 4 months), and he is moving in with her. This was expected, and predicted by my therapist. She has no choice but to rush that, no matter her feelings for him. How I'm doing/How she's doing Me: I've had a rough time, cried a lot, drank a little too much, leaned on friends, therapy, overcoming my anxiety disorder, working out, losing weight, doing new hobbies, making new friends, trying to be social, etc..I have setbacks in all of the healthy things but they all help (except the drinking!). It's been hard (there is no way around that!), but I'm growing and changing into a better man, and will be feeling great and looking great when I'm ready for a new relationship. Right now, I still miss her, I love her and care about her and probably always will, but the romantic love is fading. I don't expect it to happen, but if she wanted to reconcile, I would at least talk with her about it. I'm not planning on contacting her though, and for now that's for the best. That part of it is in her hands. I would love a new relationship, or a hookup, but I'm not ready for that yet, and that's fine. There is no time table for these things, and it hasn't been all that long anyway. Oddly enough, her new relationship has made me realize how glad I am that I'm not in one. I can't imagine the pressure she's feeling to make her new relationship work, and I feel incredibly free to do whatever I want. Her: Mutual friends told me that her new guy went back into the bar and stared at the table for a long time after I confronted them. One friend who kind of witnessed everything told me that the guy stopped texting him after that night. They all told me they understood why I got so upset, and most of them thought it was crappy too and are surprised the two of them are together. They've also told me she's been having problems at work (being late, missing meetings, getting into it with people, etc...) and that they had to talk to her about her behavior. They said she's changed and become even more defensive and argumentative since just before she broke up with me. She's never really lived on her own, and she was scared to break up and after the breakup. I have a lot of empathy for her, but somehow the fact it hasn't been peachy for her made me feel better. I do hope at some point she gets better though, for her own sake. What I learned during this process: 1. No contact is hard, but if you can't continue to take rejection or take a response other than what you were looking for, stay in NC. 2. Low contact can help, but you have to realize it will hurt and make you think about them more if you do this. It will take longer for you to heal and move on. If you're willing to risk that for another chance or to talk a little about something important, than you can try, but may not get the conversation you're looking for. 3. Examine your mistakes, figure out what you want to change, but don't think too much about "how things could have been" - they are what they are, and if you are the dumpee, it's out of your hands. You usually can't change their mind if they've decided to move on. 4. If you apologize or say you want to get back together, do it once and no more. 5. Don't give in to anger, jealousy, fear, etc... It's fine and normal to feel these things, but don't take them out on your ex. 6. You are going to feel down, distraught, confused, depressed, anxious, lonely, etc... at times. This is normal and very healthy. If you need to cry, cry. If you need to miss her/him, miss them. You have to get it out or you will bury it and it will hurt your recovery. 7. Don't be in a hurry to get into a relationship, and don't sweat it if they get into one quickly. It's not about you, it's about them, and generally, getting into a relationship so quickly after a long-term one ended is pretty unhealthy and risky. 8. The more you work on yourself, the more free you feel. It just keeps getting better if you find yourself again. As far as I can tell, I've improved myself a lot, and she's having a very hard time. She put herself into a bad position, and she's stressed out because of it. 9. You don't know what your ex is thinking/doing, they may no longer be the person you knew, they may be. Either way, letting go of what they are doing with their life is a way of focusing on yourself and moving forward. They aren't your worry/responsibility any more. It's OK to think about them, but don't pretend you know what they are thinking. 10. Meet new people as friends. Enjoy your current friends. Be open with those you love and seek their support. This will help immensely. *11. This one maybe is particular to me, and it's OK if you feel differently. I found it more helpful to not think that "this was meant to be" or "it was a sign" or whatever that we broke up. I find it much more helpful to just examine what went wrong and realize it could have gone differently based on the choices we made. This is helpful because it means I'm not a victim of fate, just someone who went through a breakup that could have been something else. It's important to me to know that so if (god forbid) I ever get into a spot like this in another relationship, I'll know we can make changes and don't have to break up. 12. Don't obsess trying to figure out exactly what went wrong and how it could have been different. You will probably never know exactly what caused the trouble, and in some ways it doesn't matter. Be reflective and willing to admit your mistakes, but move forward. You can't change the past, and if you are the dumpee, things are mostly out of your control. There is probably more to say, but I'll leave it there for now. I learned a lot of this here, on other sites, and in therapy, and it has been such a big help. Thanks again all, and if anyone has questions/comments, please go for it. I wrote this fairly quickly so forgive me if there are any mistakes or it's a little disjointed. Edited September 1, 2013 by motimo 1
BigGirlPantiesOn Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 What an awesome post. You are a treasure. Thank you for posting the solution 1
Author motimo Posted September 1, 2013 Author Posted September 1, 2013 You're welcome! I'm glad it helped
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