linagirl04 Posted November 15, 2004 Posted November 15, 2004 Hi - I have a problem and perhaps someone can help me! I've been reading some of your other similar stories and still unsure of what to do. I've been in a relationship for a year and have recently moved 2 hours away from home (where my bf lives). From spending so much time together to not, we're actually getting on lots better. Somehow even though I trust him implicitly, I know that he has always hadmore femaled friends than male. I don't mind, I've met some of them, who've known him for years, and don't mind. But recently he made friends with a girl in the summer whom I don't trust. I've not met her, but they sometimes go out in groups and get drunk together etc. I realise that men should be allowed to have female friendships and so on, but what if they're new friends he's met since he's been with you that you've not met? And ones that are going through 'a divorce' and need a shoulder to cry on? I know that perhaps my boyfirned can be a new set of ears and impartial, but I don't like the fact that he's invited her round to talk etc... I find that to invite someone to your place is a private thing - she's not like an old friend or anyhting! I feel really helpless as I'm away during the week. What's more is that over the weekend I threw a surprise party for him - he loved it, all his friends and family came, yet for some reason, later on during hte night, this girl had been texting him asking whether he was going out to some bar later to meet her and her friends etc... I find that she's being a bit disrespectful really - I know I have nothing to be afraid of from his side - I know he trusts me and I trust him , but he's too nice that he can't see that she has alterior motives! I guess it's because I've been the other woman before even if it was platonic/coinfusing etc.. and I know how their minds work!! I don't want to bring on the subject that I"ve been going through his phone, but I am turning into this obsessive freak wanting to know why she is doing this!! Help - i don't know how to approach the subject - or cauise friction so much so that he'll run off and cry on her shoulder over us - I don't want to push him away!!
bluechocolate Posted November 15, 2004 Posted November 15, 2004 Help - i don't know how to approach the subject - or cauise friction so much so that he'll run off and cry on her shoulder over us - I don't want to push him away!! I think allowing him to read your post might be a good start. Your concern is real & justifiable, especially where distance is an issue in a relationship. It's a good sign that he doesn't keep her a secret from you, but he should realise that her actions & his complicity in them are not conducive to your happiness as a couple. And ones that are going through 'a divorce' and need a shoulder to cry on? This is not good. People in that state are very vulnerable & can attach easily to someone, especially when that someone is kind & understanding. Your boyfriend may extend that generosity to an old friend but certainly not to a new acquaintance of the opposite sex.
Shuffty Posted November 15, 2004 Posted November 15, 2004 I've been in the same situation. My (now ex) boyfriend had a girl who wanted to be his 'friend' and who was really nice to me in front of him and bitchy to me behind his back. But men being men he was too stupid to see it, he turned out to be a total a-hole in the end, but that's beside the point. Everytime we fell out he would go to her to 'talk' and she would try it on, and he would maintain that she was 'ok' even though we all know girls are bitchy to girls and men never see their true colours. He wouldn't even take it when all her friends were telling him to dump ME and go out with her, twisted. Nine out of ten men are too dense to understand how women work. We know what we are like, therefore we are instantly suspicious of the new 'friend' who is sickly sweet and just wants to 'talk'. You are not being obsessive, you might get there eventually, but for now it is understandable. It is a totally impossible situation for you to be in, you don't want to bring it up even though it's pissing you off, therefore she'll just keep doing it, but if you do start an argument about it, you could be pushing him towards her, it's tricky. It sounds like you don't trust him as much as you'd like to, but don't change you're opinion of just because you've got some woman after him. Even so, he should understand that it's not centrally a trust issue with him, he may be 100% trust worthy, but that doesn't mean you want to watch this girls best efforts to sabotage your relationship. I know i sound really pissed off by this, but i know how bitchy and scheming girls can be, and how difficult it is to get your point across to your bloke. Even if he doesn't cheat on you, it's not nice to have another girl chasing your fella. I suggest you sit him down and explain, in lay-mens terms, what this girl is doing, and how it makes you feel, and that you're trying hard not to freak out about it. Then ask him that if it where the other way around and you had a new lad friend who was always texting you and wanting to talk, would he be so understanding? I think not. And it ISN'T different for girls, it works both ways. If he doesn't accept this, you should be firmer, if he really cared about you, he would try and see it from you're point of view, you're not telling him to stop seeing this girl altogether, just to see how it looks from the outside. If that doesn't work you could try warning the girl off, but that depends on how close she is with you're boyfriend, she could manipulate it to her advantage, and it could backfire. Finally, if she really does want him, and she's so vulnerable, she'll probably make a move eventually. And if you trust you're boyfriend as much as you say you do, you can be confident he will tell her where to go, then it's time for the 'i told you so' speech. Let him know how you feel. Good luck, let me know how it goes.
Author linagirl04 Posted November 15, 2004 Author Posted November 15, 2004 hi guys thanks for your advice! I think I'll just have to wait until I have more concrete evidence that the girl isn't going to be a maniulative type who wants more than a friendship with my bf. As much as it really really hurts me that I can't do anything while I live away during the week, I know that I can trust my boyfriend, even when he's aroudn this girl I've never met. However, I know that I'm acting like a crazy gf trying to read his messages etc, but I can't help but feel that I'm losing control of us. I can't stop him from making friends with other people, esp when he has a justifiable reason becuase he isn't spending as much time with me. I do however, feel that he's going about it the wrong way - I know he'd feel the same if I suddenly developed a friendship with a new male buddy! I know I'm mature enough not to go down the whole 'well I'll make you jealous' route, but it's evidently obvious I'm not happy with this girl. I've yet to meet her, she wasn't invited to this surprise bash etc, yet somehow they must suddenly be good enough friends (they only met in the summer and he never talked about her!!!) for her to want to hang out with him on his birthday night! And there I was thinking that they only bumped into each other on a night out! I know he won't keep anything from me, but then he won't tell me little things like emailing his new 'pal' regularly etc because it doesn't matter and isn't an issue. You're right Bluechoc - women going under stress such as a divorce are vulnerable esp when he told me that their evening chat over tea was about 'trust in relationships' - how cheeky to talk about that!!! And yes shuffty, 9 out of 10 men are just useless - our 1st year anniversary coincided with his birthday and we didn't celebrate the anniversary - that's another problem in itself!!!
MelWell Posted November 15, 2004 Posted November 15, 2004 You should read my post "Will I blow it if...." I am at that "obsessive" stage, where we've talked, agreed etc. but i had to look through his phone to make sure. it sucks... but i feel you. i don't think men understand how women are... or maybe they just act like they don't?
klandes Posted November 16, 2004 Posted November 16, 2004 I'm going through the same situation right now, I've been with this guy on and off for quite a while, 10 months now - which is a lot for me. He has this girl/friend since grammar school and at first i was dubious to the fact they were just 'friends', cause one always hears stories such as platonic-turning-into-romance and whatnot, so i couldn't help myself but feal insecure. I moved 2 hrs away due to school, even though we see e/o on some weekends, the times we can't meet up i know they hang out a lot together, and go out to bars, and even to the movies. is this too much? this girl -very attractive btw - tried hard for us to become friends as well, and we did hang out for a short time, we just don't have that much in common and i just can't trust her after certain things that have happened. she's also his ex girlfriend's best friend. it's strange. I mean this guy has a lot of female friends, he's very outgoing and charming, and believe me i have male friends myself, i even got really close to one of my old guy friends and attempted to do the same thing following my bf actions - going out to bars, movies, etc...we got drunk and ended up sleeping together while i was on a break. the morning after, i felt horrible, i just i don't see how it can work? every guy that tried a friendship with me always tried to hook up . It's a lot of physical attraction at some point, we're not bad looking people so - Just how far and honest can a friendship between a guy and girl go? Do any other girls going through a similar situation experience this? or am i just paranoid?
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