When will I stop thinking about him?

[zum1]

I am really annoyed with whatever happened and I do want to do something about it. I think a lot about what should I do to punish him and also about what he must be thinking about me!! I have a strong feeling that its not over yet.

 

On the other hand some close friend who know about all this are suggesting me to date someone else who is single. But of all the men that I know I feel that he was the most emotionally & physically compatible with me and the chemistry was great! He knew what made me happy. I have not felt this way for anyone else before.

 

I hope I can stop thinking about him and find it in me to never forgive him ever again.

 

And I must confess that there are moments when I long for him and want to be in his arms again but then I try to wipe that feeling off by reminding myself all that he did! I hope this is normal feeling that eventually will go away and I don't have any psychological problem

Edited August 31, 2013 by zum1

[fanine]

I am really annoyed with whatever happened and I do want to do something about it. I think a lot about what should I do to punish him and also about what he must be thinking about me!! I have a strong feeling that its not over yet.

 

On the other hand some close friend who know about all this are suggesting me to date someone else who is single. But of all the men that I know I feel that he was the most emotionally & physically compatible with me and the chemistry was great! He knew what made me happy. I have not felt this way for anyone else before.

 

I hope I can stop thinking about him and find it in me to never forgive him ever again.

 

And I must confess that there are moments when I long for him and want to be in his arms again but then I try to wipe that feeling off by reminding myself all that he did! I hope this is normal feeling that eventually will go away and I don't have any psychological problem

 

I would say don't date straight away. You need to put your efforts into yourself, make sure you understand why all this happened. Do things that are new, fill your life with exciting moments not connected to him, feel good about yourself and as time passes it will get better x

[todreaminblue]

 

I hope I can stop thinking about him and find it in me to never forgive him ever again.

 

 

 

 

to stop thinking about him forgive him ...it didnt work out for whatever reason and it probably wasn't meant to work out........and move on...he wasnt for you.....someone is right for you though...the sooner you forgive him...the sooner you move on....deb

[fanine]

to stop thinking about him forgive him ...it didnt work out for whatever reason and it probably wasn't meant to work out........and move on...he wasnt for you.....someone is right for you though...the sooner you forgive him...the sooner you move on....deb

 

I don't necessarily agree. If I had forgiven my xMM I would probably still be with him. The fact is when he broke NC and I went back to him, it was because I forgave him for everything. By not forgiving him was the only way forward...

[whichwayisup]

I don't necessarily agree. If I had forgiven my xMM I would probably still be with him. The fact is when he broke NC and I went back to him, it was because I forgave him for everything. By not forgiving him was the only way forward...

 

That and finding anger to close your heart to him.

 

I think when it comes to forgiveness, forgive yourself for believing in someone who was a liar to begin with. Forgive yourself for your mistakes and choices and most of all, LIVE WELL. Don't look back!

[fanine]

That and finding anger to close your heart to him.

 

I think when it comes to forgiveness, forgive yourself for believing in someone who was a liar to begin with. Forgive yourself for your mistakes and choices and most of all, LIVE WELL. Don't look back!

 

Exactly. It is not forgiving him, but forgiving yourself. I felt so damn stupid. I had to realise yep I played some part in it, but at least I could move on, learn from my mistakes and have a good life. It is a horrible thing and this is not like breaking off a normal relationship.

[whichwayisup]

Exactly. It is not forgiving him, but forgiving yourself. I felt so damn stupid. I had to realise yep I played some part in it, but at least I could move on, learn from my mistakes and have a good life. It is a horrible thing and this is not like breaking off a normal relationship.

 

I think too, one gets to a point where they are numb to it all and their heart and emotions just close off completely..So it really isn't about forgiving the other person more like not caring either way. When that can happen, that's when you (general you) know you've moved on and he/she is forever out of your heart.

 

I can relate to the forgiving thing, unrelated to affairs - It was a so-called friend who took advantage of me, time and time again. I lent money (I KNOW, stupid!! The neon sign was flashing but I didn't see it!) Anyway long story short, and another thread for another day, one day I just woke up and didn't care at all. Water under the bridge.

[thefooloftheyear]

to stop thinking about him forgive him ...it didnt work out for whatever reason and it probably wasn't meant to work out........and move on...he wasnt for you.....someone is right for you though...the sooner you forgive him...the sooner you move on....deb

 

 

Spoken by a wise woman....

 

Its very simple...Why,OP, do you feel the need to punish him? Did he trick you, and tell you he was single? The reality is that you probably knew all along what the deal was...It didnt work out..So be it..You have regrets and likely so does he...

 

The best thing anyone in these scenario's can do is realize the wrong, own it, and move forward and make better decisions in the future..

 

I wish you well, OP

 

TFY

[KentuckyGent]

.....someone is right for you though...

 

 

I wish I could believe this but I don't see how I will ever feel how I did about her.

[todreaminblue]

I don't necessarily agree. If I had forgiven my xMM I would probably still be with him. The fact is when he broke NC and I went back to him, it was because I forgave him for everything. By not forgiving him was the only way forward...

 

 

 

i understand ........i guess everyone has their own way of dealing......best wishes...deb

[todreaminblue]

I wish I could believe this but I don't see how I will ever feel how I did about her.

 

 

i was with a guy for fifteen years wanted to marry him...engaged for seven of those years(this should have been a sign huh?) he had an affair i gave the ultimatum ...he left me and our children with callous behavior arrogance, ignorance ridiculed me, told me i was mental many times and total abandonment....while i was in hospital recoverign tryign to get myself together so i coudl eb a good mum by myself to my girls, i asked him to stay with the girls and nto go to her place and sleep with her...my girls needed him.......he got angry with me adn threatened me.....tryign to remeber exact words.........who are you to tell me what to do you effin mental case....your whole family is effin mental..(my family my mum my sis, had done nothing but love and support him tell him hwo special he was)....ill take the girls and you will never see them again...dont think anyone has ever hurt me more and i have been beaten by men....and then i did go mental..he broke me into a million tiny little pieces....in hospital luckily..they started a course fo ect after that...now this is pretty severe huh......had worse done.....it was total manipulation on his behalf...to do what he wanted to do selfishly with out regard for me or my daughters..........thats honest....now i forgave him a long time ago....he said to me...deb i f ed up big time i know that...who am i to deny him or anyone an acceptance of an apology....i always want to be forgiven when i do something wrong...so i forgave.....

 

 

 

if i can forgive so can you ...why punish him...it isnt yoru place to punish another adult...eh isnt yrou child that you should discipline...he was yoru love interest......everyone on this planet will have to account for the people they have hurt.......including me.....not forgiving someone.....is hurting yourself...believe that

 

 

and i fell for someone again took me years...not that it worked out for me, the guy didnt feel anything...and wont, he isnt for me..but i did fall and i will heal again very slowly...............so never give up hope....forgive......and be free.....deb

[Phoe]

It's impossible too say WHEN you'll stop thinking about him, but it won't take as long as it feels right now.

 

One day you'll think of him and realize "oh my gosh, this is the first time I've thought of him in WEEKS" - and that might sting a little bit, but you'll quickly go back to not thinking about him, and you'll go longer and longer. Months even. And then when you DO think of him, that sting will get smaller and smaller untili finally, you rarely think of him, and when you do, you don't care.

[zum1]

I will try to reply each one of you.

 

fanine: I agree with you, I cannot force myself into dating plus at the moment my mind is entirely shocked with what just happened!! Until mid august morning everything was fine and in the evening he not only changed the future but also the perspective that I had for past 10 months that we spent together!! I can no longer look back and think how happy I was, cannot relish the moments we spent together!! It will take me a while to fill in even new things, let alone the new person.

 

todreaminblue: As I said, I hope I never forgive him because if I did I will end up being with him all over again. Not forgiving and not forgetting anything.

 

whichwayisup: Forgive myself for what? I did not do anything wrong. I see here on LS loads of stories that MM are cake eaters and they lie and OW is told how stupid she was and she paid the price of messing life of BS, but in personal life I have also come across MM & MW who do get divorced and marry someone else and many times the reason behind is OM/OW who are better match. The picture that he portrayed to me I believed him and hence did not do anything wrong, I will not let this incident doubt others, but I will surely be a lot more careful, there is nothing I should be forgiving myself for.

 

thefooloftheyear: I feel the need to punish him because he said I cannot do that! He said he will continue doing all that he did and I or his wife won't even get to know about it!! I am not sure how you take challenges in life, and whether you take them or not, but someone who was my priority for almost a year has turned around and said all that to me and I remain unaffected is not how it works for me. Lets put it this way, so deep love that I had for him has turned into hatred overnight. I used to be up all night to love him and now I am up all night hating him and I do want to show him that he cannot just say anything to a lady like me and walkaway clean! When in love he said things and I reciprocated with lots of love and now I feel the need to do the same when he tells me to just keep my mouth shut and don't talk much!!!

 

Phoe: Agree with you.

 

I am also a bit scared of how my thought process is going, here is how I feel about everything:

 

Scenario 1. I was his old friend, he said he had crush on me then he does courtship for two months, feeds my brain all that he could to get me into bed, sleeps with his wife too and tells me he doesn't. Makes sure I don't have any BFs at all. Then he hides the news of her pregnancy, which btw has happened after ten years and I am certain its unplanned and when he no longer can hide he tells me about it over the phone and asks me to continue the way we were but this time says, he cannot leave!! I am shocked and I ask for explanation for hiding things from me, to which he says he 'forgot' to tell me ( forgot for 7 months)!!! which makes me swear at him and then he says bad things too and challenges me to speak if I can!!

 

Scenario 2. I feel what if he was honest with me, he was in a sexless marriage so they didn't had any second child. I did made and left him desperate, like he said he did made her pregnant while thinking about me. He loved me too much to lose me so he hides the news from me and now he is longing for me and he really truly, madly loves me. And he is not happy about the whole situation (he did say he is not looking forward to the baby and being busy with it but he will give me equal amount of time and nothing will change and I won't feel a thing or less attention from his side) and he wishes all this would have never happened and he could get out of that house and come running to me. I feel connected to him a lot of times. What if he is just helpless?

 

#1 is when I hate him the most and #2 is when I feel hurt the most.

 

Its a mess!!!!

Edited September 1, 2013 by zum1

[whichwayisup]

whichwayisup: Forgive myself for what? I did not do anything wrong. I see here on LS loads of stories that MM are cake eaters and they lie and OW is told how stupid she was and she paid the price of messing life of BS, but in personal life I have also come across MM & MW who do get divorced and marry someone else and many times the reason behind is OM/OW who are better match. The picture that he portrayed to me I believed him and hence did not do anything wrong, I will not let this incident doubt others, but I will surely be a lot more careful, there is nothing I should be forgiving myself for.

 

I've not seen that, if it was said it was certainly deleted.

 

This is your life, you're going to do what you're going to do but I think if owned your part in the affair and not paint yourself as an innocent victim in this, you might be able to let go of him a bit easier. If he pretended he was single the whole time and you didn't know he was married, then that's different, but he didn't do that.

 

Glad to hear that you've learned from this and won't make the same choices.

[zum1]

I've not seen that, if it was said it was certainly deleted.

 

This is your life, you're going to do what you're going to do but I think if owned your part in the affair and not paint yourself as an innocent victim in this, you might be able to let go of him a bit easier. If he pretended he was single the whole time and you didn't know he was married, then that's different, but he didn't do that.

 

Glad to hear that you've learned from this and won't make the same choices.

 

I have been lurking quite a lot here lately, must have read in infidelity. I have come across a lot of posts where OW is told she should have been considerate about BS.

 

I do feel like being victimised because we had sex for 7 months when he told me he don't even kiss his wife. Around in April another close friend was visiting town and I met him for lunch, he is of my age and expressed that he wanted to settle down and was looking for someone like me, he did not propose or anything, we just had a chat. Later that evening I was with MM and he texted me saying it was wonderful to catch up after a long time. I told MM and he made me send a rude text saying I am seeing someone and not available if you have anything like that on your mind, and then banned me from seeing him ever again!! I liked it back then that he was so insecure and jealous, but now all these little meetings are coming back to my mind and I am wondering what was all that for?? He knew in April his wife was pregnant, he did not tell me! He knew I will break up with him, like I did just now!!

 

Whether I am or I am not but I do feel victimised!!

[whichwayisup]

. I have come across a lot of posts where OW is told she should have been considerate about BS.

This yes, but not about the OW being stupid. Name calling etc, is unaccepted on LS, so if that was said, it was removed.

 

You have every right to feel the way you do, I hope my replies haven't made you feel otherwise. All I was and am saying, you need to own your part in all this. You chose to believe a guy who was married, still living with his wife.

 

Yes, he fooled you, manipulated you, made you feel awful. Some men are great liars and he obviously is.

 

Now you know and some how you need to not react to him, give him any more power over you.

 

The best revenge is to live well and never look back!

[zum1]

 

The best revenge is to live well and never look back!

 

 

Will this hurt him? How? I really want to make him cry as much as he made me cry! I know some will think I am not acting my age but how can I just let him be!?

 

Thanks whichwayisup.

[Feb]

 

whichwayisup: Forgive myself for what? I did not do anything wrong. I see here on LS loads of stories that MM are cake eaters and they lie and OW is told how stupid she was and she paid the price of messing life of BS, but in personal life I have also come across MM & MW who do get divorced and marry someone else and many times the reason behind is OM/OW who are better match. The picture that he portrayed to me I believed him and hence did not do anything wrong, I will not let this incident doubt others, but I will surely be a lot more careful, there is nothing I should be forgiving myself for.

 

Here's the lesson. No matter what an MM says about their marriage -- sexless, sleeping in different rooms, separated, etc. HE IS STILL MARRIED. Until they are officially divorced with divorce papers signed, child custody arrangements finalized, he's out of the house, and it's public knowledge they are divorced, he's not available, period. Just to warn you, MM's will have all kinds of excuses why the D is not finalized -- like they can't afford a lawyer, complications in the paperwork and all sorts of other nonsense, but if they really want to be free of the marriage they'll make it happen. Yes, you were a victim in all this, but you bear responsibility as well.

 

Scenario 1. I was his old friend, he said he had crush on me then he does courtship for two months, feeds my brain all that he could to get me into bed, sleeps with his wife too and tells me he doesn't. Makes sure I don't have any BFs at all. Then he hides the news of her pregnancy, which btw has happened after ten years and I am certain its unplanned and when he no longer can hide he tells me about it over the phone and asks me to continue the way we were but this time says, he cannot leave!! I am shocked and I ask for explanation for hiding things from me, to which he says he 'forgot' to tell me ( forgot for 7 months)!!! which makes me swear at him and then he says bad things too and challenges me to speak if I can!!

 

 

Focus on Scenario 1 all the time. Who would want to be with a man like this? He's a chronic liar and on top of that he is not looking forward to taking care of his own baby?

 

Scenario 2. I feel what if he was honest with me, he was in a sexless marriage so they didn't had any second child. I did made and left him desperate, like he said he did made her pregnant while thinking about me. He loved me too much to lose me so he hides the news from me and now he is longing for me and he really truly, madly loves me. And he is not happy about the whole situation (he did say he is not looking forward to the baby and being busy with it but he will give me equal amount of time and nothing will change and I won't feel a thing or less attention from his side) and he wishes all this would have never happened and he could get out of that house and come running to me. I feel connected to him a lot of times. What if he is just helpless?

 

#1 is when I hate him the most and #2 is when I feel hurt the most.

 

Its a mess!!!!

 

 

Scenario 2 -- WOW. Ok, so let's step back for a minute. If your GF or sister told you that their BF got his wife pregnant while thinking about them, what would you say to them? Doesn't that sound like a pile of crap to you? Then on top of that first pile of crap, he tells you he lies to you because he loves you too much? Then on top of the first two piles of crap, he then says he will be able to give you an equal amount of time with a newborn baby in the mix? I'm assuming you don't have children, but even if you have been around a baby for more than 5 minutes, the reality is that the baby will affect his available time, unless he's just a lousy father. Do you want to be with a man that would sacrifice time with his baby to be with an OW?

 

 

I think you answered your own question -- "What if he is just helpless?" Again, I don't even want friends in my life who are just helpless, much less a man/lover. Is this what you want? A helpless, whiny man, that you have to coddle and have sex with on his terms? You deserve better than that!

[zum1]

I think you answered your own question -- "What if he is just helpless?" Again, I don't even want friends in my life who are just helpless, much less a man/lover. Is this what you want? A helpless, whiny man, that you have to coddle and have sex with on his terms? You deserve better than that!

 

Thanks for the whole post Feb! I wish I could go back in Oct and undo so much!! I did not wanted all this to happen!! I did not wanted to learn all this first hand !! It hurts so so much.