Why do taken women still desire to hit the clubs?

[MissBee]

Missbee - I respect that reply. That was a very well thought out and well executed explanation. And you're 100% right, people need to have similar views and boundaries to avoid drama over issues like this. Well done.

 

I'd be willing to bet that most of you on the "clubbing" side of things are under 30 years old...MAYBE under 35 to stretch it. But once careers, kids, houses, etc. all start coming around...What little VALUABLE time you have, you will not want to spend in an atmosphere with annoying horny perverts, smelling like smoke, paying $7.50 for a small drink, so loud you're NOT ABLE TO HEAR OR UNDERSTAND what your best friend you haven't seen for 3 weeks (cause she's married too) is trying to say to you.

 

Well naturally....

 

I shouldn't even say naturally.

 

I am under 30, in graduate school and I don't club nearly as much as when I was in college. I can count how many times I might go for a semester and its maybe 5 times, if that many. However, my friends and I, some single, some in relationships, go when we are in the mood to go dancing and be at a club. Clearly though, it's not like if I haven't seen a friend for weeks I am going to plan to meet up at the club or that's my weekly go-to Come on vellocet...don't be ridic, you know no one does that. We club when we feel in the mood for the club which is once in a while. But when we don't, we usually hang out at someone's place and mix drinks, turn on some music, have some food, invite people over, go out to dinner, a bar, do brunch, hang out at the day spa, or other activities. ALL of which can include men and can include drinks and can include cheating if you so chose to do that.

[serial muse]

Missbee - I respect that reply. That was a very well thought out and well executed explanation. And you're 100% right, people need to have similar views and boundaries to avoid drama over issues like this. Well done.

 

I'd be willing to bet that most of you on the "clubbing" side of things are under 30 years old...MAYBE under 35 to stretch it. But once careers, kids, houses, etc. all start coming around...What little VALUABLE time you have, you will not want to spend in an atmosphere with annoying horny perverts, smelling like smoke, paying $7.50 for a small drink, so loud you're NOT ABLE TO HEAR OR UNDERSTAND what your best friend you haven't seen for 3 weeks (cause she's married too) is trying to say to you.

 

I wouldn't say I'm on the "clubbing" side of things, but I have argued on the side of those who want to go clubbing without it meaning that they're looking to cheat, because I have been in that position, and thus I know that it is perfectly possible to just want to go to dance. I wouldn't pick a club based on whether it's a meat market; in my more active dancing days, it frankly depended on the music played at that club. If it was music that I liked, then I would go and dance with my friends. That's it. That's really all there is to it. As for me, as it happens, I'm over 40 and no, of course I don't often get to go dancing anymore - maybe once in a while, on someone's birthday - but if I can, I will go, because it's FUN to forget about all those obligations for about three hours and just enjoy dancing. Make snide remarks about it all you want, but not everybody is the same, and not everybody who enjoys such things has to be talked about as a joke or a cheater or some terrible human being who's trying to pretend her partner doesn't exist. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

 

As for cheaters - well, what it comes down to, as Miss Bee said, is not the venue - it's the person. Some people will go to a club and look to cheat, sure. Those same people will go to work and look to cheat. I should know; that's exactly what my ex-husband did. There is no safe environment for such people. They will always be on the prowl, whether it's at a club, at a bar, at a sporting event, or at work. Choosing the right partner is by far the best barometer. In my experience, you can't keep a cheater from cheating by policing his/her choice of activities. If that person wants to find a way, then s/he will.

 

And I also don't understand why it has to be either/or, in terms of how one might want to get together with friends. Just because dancing happens once in a while, why can't talking happen too, at other times? There is plenty of opportunity to catch up and have heart-to-hearts with the same friends.

Edited September 24, 2013 by serial muse

[MissBee]

As for cheaters - well, what it comes down to, as Miss Bee said, is not the venue - it's the person. Some people will go to a club and look to cheat, sure. Those same people will go to work and look to cheat. I should know; that's exactly what my ex-husband did. There is no safe environment for such people. They will always be on the prowl, whether it's at a club, at a bar, at a sporting event, or at work. Choosing the right partner is by far the best barometer. In my experience, you can't keep a cheater from cheating by policing his/her choice of activities. If that person wants to find a way, then s/he will.

 

And I also don't understand why it has to be either/or, in terms of how one might want to get together with friends. Just because dancing happens once in a while, why can't talking happen too, at other times? There is plenty of opportunity to catch up and have heart-to-hearts with the same friends.

 

Ditto.

 

When it comes on to infidelity and cheating, it's not a case of an alcoholic going into a bar to hang out, which everyone would consider courting danger. Unless you are dating a serial and compulsive cheater who gets triggered to cheat when in clubs, the fact is, cheating isn't specifically tied to place but to that person's mentality. It's also more likely in more seemingly innocent surroundings, as cheating from what I have known having been an OW before and spending much time in the OW/OM section, almost none of the stories start at a club...most start as friends, at work, gosh even in-laws smh. It's usually about having no boundaries and thus developing ongoing inappropriate relations, not one time club meetings.

 

If you aren't of the mind to cheat and aren't looking to, being at a club won't really make you any more likely to, neither will being drunk IMO. As when I'm drunk, I have no desire to cheat, I just want to go home and see my man so I can have sex with HIM and not random man over there in the club. But like you said, if you're of the mind to cheat, if you're on the prowl, then church is as likely a place as any....and your partner can't do much about it as banning you from the club so you won't cheat means the relationship is already going south and you're already dating someone who isn't committed to you and who has no impulse control.

 

In fact, I understand a bit more how that innocuous work friend relationship may grow to be more day by day as you do lunch together and chat, esp if you're bored in your own R, but I actually think you're dealing with some kind of obviously impulsive and promiscuous person if how they cheated on you was because they were drunk at a club. This is entirely about their nature and not that some non-promiscuous person goes to a club and all of a sudden because she had a few drinks or it's dark and people are grinding she becomes hypnotized by this and turns promiscuous too. Drinks don't make me promiscuous, because I'm not that way. Alcohol doesn't change me personally, just makes me less inhibited about stuff I already want to do. My horniness and drunkenness just make me want my own man frankly, not ANY man who is looking my way or talking to me. If you're already promiscuous drinks may just help you to act on it more quickly....so if you are dating someone prone to promiscuity and drunken sex with strangers...I'd agree that the club may be a trigger for them to "backslide." Another thing is, I also have good friends who have my back when I go out and won't allow me to do things I will regret, thankfully. I do know though that some men on LS believe all women when they are out with their friends throw caution to the wind and revert to acting like they are on Girls Gone Wild and are just senseless, drunk and offering sex to anyone willing and are all encouraging each other to do so...but this is far far far from my reality personality.

[Got it]

Because her idea of acting accordingly may not coincide with her bf's.

 

And thats not what I asked. She stated she wouldn't be with someone that would dictate her whereabouts, and rightfully so. So I asked if her bf wasn't comfortable with something without trying to tell her what to do, then how would she handle that.

 

I would assume that she has normally found dancing at clubs acceptable so when they started dating this was a practice. So I would expect that the two parties would discuss it but just because he feels in the abstract (not because this is actually about a specific situation between the two of them) that going to dance clubs is wrong that his opinion is no more valid than hers.

 

So they would compromise but that doesn't necessarily mean that she should stop going. But they come up with a happy medium that satisfies both parties.

 

And what I quoted is exactly what you said. May not have been what you meant but it is what you wrote.

[chucksagent]

I disagree. I don't think it's as simple as two types of people - 1) Cheaters and 2) Non Cheaters.

 

I think ANYONE in a bad situation can stray. I believe this is why making good decisions on where you go, what you do, and who you hang out with matters. I don't think ANY person has this iron flawless will that cant make mistakes.

 

That being said, to each his/her own. I wouldn't do it to a significant other and my wife feels the same way. But if I liked to club, it would probably need to be ok with my partner too.

 

I just don't think CLUBBING is such an epic act that giving it up for the right person is crazy. Maybe I'd feel different if I loved it though.

[thefooloftheyear]

because they want to? *shrug*

 

TFY

[MissBee]

I disagree. I don't think it's as simple as two types of people - 1) Cheaters and 2) Non Cheaters.

 

I think ANYONE in a bad situation can stray. I believe this is why making good decisions on where you go, what you do, and who you hang out with matters. I don't think ANY person has this iron flawless will that cant make mistakes.

 

That being said, to each his/her own. I wouldn't do it to a significant other and my wife feels the same way. But if I liked to club, it would probably need to be ok with my partner too.

 

I just don't think CLUBBING is such an epic act that giving it up for the right person is crazy. Maybe I'd feel different if I loved it though.

 

It's not about perfection or mistakes, it's that you seem to think the club is inherently a "bad situation", when it's not and that depends on the person. I told you for example what would be a bad situation for me and what situations could lead to me making a mistake detrimental to my relationship, clubbing isn't one of them.

 

In any case, in real life for me I've never had this discussion with a partner, neither is it a big deal or an epic act. It really has never come up ever in any relationship as something to give up or not or to restrict. I go if I want to, he goes if he wants to, generally we go together and nothing untoward has ever happened. On my list of issues and things to discuss this has never been a cause for concern personally. Thinking of all the things I've argued with bfs over or we had to compromise about or felt threatened by, clubbing seriously has never been one of them. I did have a friend though who she and her boyfriend felt dancing with other people was cheating, she still went to the club and just danced with us or stood there...my other friends and I thought it was kind of a weird, ridiculous thing, but hey, that's what they decided on....although, unsurprisingly she and her boyfriend had a dysfunctional relationship where they both were very paranoid and jealous and he would call all our phones when he couldn't get her or pop up at places we were at for girls night out or show up in the middle of the night etc. They both were very controlling and jealous so it made sense that they would be the ones to make clubbing into a big deal, because they were just the type who were jealous about everything.

Edited September 25, 2013 by MissBee

[julia12]

I think Mme. Chaucer is speaking the most sense here. I suggested in an earlier post that I quite liked to go clubbing, even when I was in a relationship. For me, it was mainly about dancing an is one aspect of a full and varied social life. When I said I "flirted" with other men, all I really meant was that I would occasionally get into a conversation with a man or two who started one with me.

 

No-one has ever rubbed their crotch on my legs (not in a club, anyway) and I don't go there to drink loads or to do drugs. Blimey Charlie!

 

For me, "flirting without intent" as I think of it is acceptable for both parties in a relationship. I think it would be a rare relationship where neither person even midly flirted with anyone else, ever.

[piggyoink]

"Fool"? Really?

 

 

 

I guess I missed that idiotic and dramatic statement. Will you please point me towards it so I can be less foolish?

 

All the posts I read defending the right of "taken" women to be in clubs were along the lines of … they have every right to be in clubs if they want to be, and being in clubs does not necessitate scandalous extramarital sexual activities.

 

Please show me the part I missed.

 

Thanks!

 

I also tend to think that if the hypothetical husband in question kept his wife entertained all the time, she wouldn't want to go to a club that often to begin with.

[Keenly]

So men feel entitled to going to strip clubs and getting lapdances, but a woman who goes to a club to dance with her girlfriends and maybe harmlessly dance with a guy for a song is the devil?

LMAO. Guys cant stand the taste of their own medicine.

I find it hilarious how men expect much more from women than they are willing to give themselves.

 

You actually have this completely backwards. Especially if we are talking about this forum. Strip clubs are unacceptable in the eyes of women, but dance clubs are. I don't really understand the logic there, nor did I really care enough to bring it up as an arguing point, but I HAD to correct you on that one, because your stretching the truth to fit your argument .

[MissBee]

Being in clubs does not necessitate scandalous extramarital sexual activities.

 

 

This is the bottom line.

 

I could even understand strip clubs as something inherently more "dangerous" but I don't think going to a club in and of itself is detrimental to your relationship, as believe it or not, there is more than one way of being at a club as well as different kinds of clubs. While some people go with the intention of hooking up and being wasted and running head first into debauchery, others go and plan to have clean fun and do just that.

[chucksagent]

Ke.r.a-You nailed it...clubbing AND strip clubbing is wrong when committed. I just need to correct you who think strip clubs are MORE DANGEROUS...Listen to chris rock "no sex in the champagne room." Strip clubs don't even let you touch (unlike clubbing) and strippers only like the guys with drugs.

[chucksagent]

I think it's funny that some guy is here making suggestions to women about what they "should" be doing in their spare time to keep them out of clubs.

 

Come on. We're talking about grownups here.

 

I find more and more women to be the biggest hypocrites going today...They don't want to be judged because "Adults can do whatever they want."

 

Yet...EVERY WOMAN I KNOW mocks video games, fantasy football, pro wrestling, Dungeons & Dragons, etc. Anything they deem "nerdy" or "childish" they find unsuitable and a waste of time. Yet, when men do these activities, they are 100% clean/safe and doesn't effect anyone. Just hypocrisy all the way around.

 

If some hot chick buys a guy drinks, flirts with him, and rubs all over him, his girlfriend,finace,wife WILL be jealous/mad/upset...I'm really tired of this liberal holier than thou fake attitude. It's not (nor should it be) in our DNA to be ok with such insane behavior.

[chucksagent]

And for the record...you try to make me (or people who think like me)look controlling or jealous or crazy...and if you feel that way, that's fine. But the bottom line is, I don't know a SINGLE SOLITARY WOMAN of whom I respect who still enjoys "going to da club."

 

None.

 

I used to know "girls" who would do it. And the ones that kept it up into their 30's would up alone (cause most guys don't wanna put up with that crap) or divorced a few times because of their "everything is about me" attitude. That right there is wisdom...very worth wisdom.

 

Now I was young once too and did whatever I wanted, so I don't expect anyone to listen to or trust that advice, but it's just the way of the real world. I think most of you are probably young, in your 20's and haven't found the right person yet.

[Keenly]

I think neither is appropriate. I don't go clubbing and when I date a guy, Id expect him not to go to a strip club. But all the men protesting here about women going to clubs think going to a strip club is fine for themselves (key word...themselves...that's all men care about)

 

So nope, your argument is backwards.

 

I can't listen to some one that speaks in platitudes. Anyone who says " all men xxxxxxxxxx " or " all men are like xxxxxxxxx " really doesn't have a place in a conversation.

 

 

If I said all women are xxxxxxxxxx I would NEVER get away with it on this forum.

[love1336x]

I love going clubbing.

I love the music, drinking and getting loose and wild.

I like to break my same old routine.

I have never went to the club to find a man. ever.

[hotpotato]

Ke.r.a-You nailed it...clubbing AND strip clubbing is wrong when committed. I just need to correct you who think strip clubs are MORE DANGEROUS...Listen to chris rock "no sex in the champagne room." Strip clubs don't even let you touch (unlike clubbing) and strippers only like the guys with drugs.

 

Of course, strip clubs let you touch. You can have sex if you find the right girl. Club owners arent going to sayhave sex because sex + money =prostitution.

 

My ex was a las vegas strip club veteran. Plenty of girls let guys touch them for a couple extra bucks.

 

My ex was touching them, dating them (they are not all lesbians), you name it. He was never on drugs.

 

Rather than Chris Rock, watch gstring divas. Plenty of girls were letting dudes touch them. Club policy was 'no touching,' but thats not what happened in reality. They were even falling in love with some of those dudes.

Edited September 26, 2013 by hotpotato

[Got it]

I find more and more women to be the biggest hypocrites going today...They don't want to be judged because "Adults can do whatever they want."

 

Yet...EVERY WOMAN I KNOW mocks video games, fantasy football, pro wrestling, Dungeons & Dragons, etc. Anything they deem "nerdy" or "childish" they find unsuitable and a waste of time. Yet, when men do these activities, they are 100% clean/safe and doesn't effect anyone. Just hypocrisy all the way around.

 

If some hot chick buys a guy drinks, flirts with him, and rubs all over him, his girlfriend,finace,wife WILL be jealous/mad/upset...I'm really tired of this liberal holier than thou fake attitude. It's not (nor should it be) in our DNA to be ok with such insane behavior.

 

Maybe it's just the girls you know. Or maybe it is based on case by case situations.

 

I think if things are done in moderation I don't care. I think watching sports is boring. My husband watches football, soccer, some baseball and then ESPN in between.

 

I watch The Big Bang Theory literally every day over and over again. I am seriously addicted to the show and its my decompression go to. There are many evenings when TBS or someone is playing it for hours that is all that I have on! He feels over it.

 

To each their own. But we don't tell the other person they can't do it, we just share when we want to, do our own thing when we want to, and ask for some independent shared time not doing either one. We just balance it and compromise.

[chucksagent]

Got it - You seem very reasonable...your husband is a lucky man.

 

I am the SAME EXACT WAY! I love TBS shows after a day of work too to decompress!

 

I know it's silly, but all those shows still crack me up like the first time I saw them.

 

And I COULD NOT POSSIBLY agree with you more that people need their "escape" and "safe place to enjoy." Just for the record, my wife GOES out to happy hour/bars/the casino with her friends...like GotIt said, everything in moderation. I play video games, but maybe 3 times a week for an hour or two a day. Some grown men play call of duty for 5 hours every night.

 

Everyone is free and entitled to do WHATEVER they want; my take on "clubbing" is that it's different than dancing at a bar or at the casino, or at a party...clubbing or "clubbin" to me is more than DANCING. So many of you girls on here are trying to say it's as simple as dancing and it's not.

 

Clubbing is an activity. Going to a dark/loud place, to pay a lot of money to get drunk, to engage with the opposite sex, and to get wild with your girls. If that stuff turns you on, you should do it. I just don't know many married women or committed women who that still seems appealing to....or men for that matter. It's expensive, dirty, loud and at times, scary...lol...the people you see in some clubs are frightening. But people usually put up with all those things to try and engage the opposite sex...now many of you girls are saying you club just to be with the girls and dance; but can't that be done at MANY other places than the typical meat market club?

[chucksagent]

MME Chaucer - here was the post:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/cheating-flirting-jealousy/417298-girlfriend-going-clubbing-2.html#post5208084

 

Yes, yes, we should all just grow up and stay inside our homes where we only ever see people we already know of the same sex. Anyone who speaks to another person of the opposite sex or enjoys going places where people routinely interact with people of the opposite sex is immature and unfit for any relationship.

 

OP, even though I know nothing else about your relationship or regular behavior of your SO, I'm recommending you immediately dump your gf who would have the nerve to go out with friends to a club or speak to a male she already knows. She even posed for a picture with males she knows. I'd never stand for my man being in a picture with another female or going anywhere where women are likely to flirt with him. It doesn't matter how trustworthy he is or isn't.

Edited September 26, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Attribution

[chucksagent]

Maybe I'm too robotic the way I use sense, logic and facts to come to life decisions...but clubs are GENERALLY referred to as "Singles Clubs" or "Meat Markets."

 

Is there really a need for a ton of dialogue? LOL. They have developed these casual names in circles for A REASON. It really comes across to me as people doing what they (deep down) know they shouldn't, and just making crappy/selfish arguments to excuse it.

 

For my career, I go in front of Judge's every single day...and the BEST argument I've ever heard from "clubbers in relationships" would not hold water for a minute in a courtroom.

 

"Well your honor, I like to get wild and drunk...and I need to dance with my girls."

 

"Oh, well in that case my dear, why not dress like a wh*re and go to a singles club...it's practically the only place you can have fun, drink alcohol and dance. Why didn't I think of it sooner! Case dismissed!" (slams gavel)

[piggyoink]

What is wrong with a married woman going out clubbing? - Yahoo! UK & Ireland Answers

am a married woman and once a month I go out with the girls clubbing to dance and have a good time.

I went out last night and this bloke tried hitting on me so moved away from him...a bit later he came up to me again and wanted me to go and dance with him...I said no,i'm married...he automatically said..where's your husband? ,I said at home etc etc....this made me quite cross to think that because i'm married he expected my husband to be with me.Can a married woman not have a night out with her friends now and again?!!

[serial muse]

Just for the record, my wife GOES out to happy hour/bars/the casino with her friends...like GotIt said, everything in moderation. I play video games, but maybe 3 times a week for an hour or two a day. Some grown men play call of duty for 5 hours every night.

 

Everyone is free and entitled to do WHATEVER they want; my take on "clubbing" is that it's different than dancing at a bar or at the casino, or at a party...clubbing or "clubbin" to me is more than DANCING. So many of you girls on here are trying to say it's as simple as dancing and it's not.

 

And so many of you boys are trying to insist that it's always something else, and it's not. That's really all there is to say to that. You're drawing a highly arbitrary line around what you think is acceptable and what isn't. Bars/casinos = OK and never involve meat market-ness, but clubbing by definition does? No, that is illogical, sorry. I've already explained why, so I won't bother again. As I said, it's simply arbitrary. You think that this is the only way that dancing happens in a club:

 

Clubbing is an activity. Going to a dark/loud place, to pay a lot of money to get drunk, to engage with the opposite sex, and to get wild with your girls. If that stuff turns you on, you should do it. I just don't know many married women or committed women who that still seems appealing to....or men for that matter. It's expensive, dirty, loud and at times, scary...lol...the people you see in some clubs are frightening. But people usually put up with all those things to try and engage the opposite sex...now many of you girls are saying you club just to be with the girls and dance; but can't that be done at MANY other places than the typical meat market club?

 

...but it isn't, and enough people have tried to tell you so that it would be nice if you would take it under advisement.

 

And frankly, going to a casino to intentionally lose money sounds way more boring and senseless of an activity, to me, than enjoying dancing with your friends, but to each her own I suppose. Truth is, I also enjoy video games and watching sports, and I play fantasy football, as do many of my female friends (who are in multiple leagues), so I honestly am bewildered that no woman of your acquaintance enjoys any of these things, but prefer casinos. I mean...talk about expensive! I guess we just run in very different circles. So maybe you could open up and recognize that not every woman is like your wife and her friends? And from there, could potentially even accept that you're projecting just a bit?

Edited September 26, 2013 by serial muse

[chucksagent]

That links to an entirely different thread than this one! I think the idea is to deal with what's in the thread we're posting in ...

 

Yes, yes, we should all just grow up and stay inside our homes where we only ever see people we already know of the same sex. Anyone who speaks to another person of the opposite sex or enjoys going places where people routinely interact with people of the opposite sex is immature and unfit for any relationship.

 

 

 

 

OP, even though I know nothing else about your relationship or regular behavior of your SO, I'm recommending you immediately dump your gf who would have the nerve to go out with friends to a club or speak to a male she already knows. She even posed for a picture with males she knows. I'd never stand for my man being in a picture with another female or going anywhere where women are likely to flirt with him. It doesn't matter how trustworthy he is or isn't.

 

Is the above serious?

 

For a person who claims to use logic, sense and facts to illustrate their position in a discussion, this is not a very good example ...

 

MME Chaucer. That was what the person I REFUTED posted, not a post that I made.

[chucksagent]

And my wife and her friends don't gamble. Not sure what casino's are like where you guys live...but at our casino's, they have shows, shops, bar/restaurants, good sushi, live bands, etc. So lots of people go there to NOT gamble, but enjoy entertainment. But even if she did gamble (which she doesn't) I would rather her drop $100 in a slot machine then get felt up by some creep. So for you to say the casino is worse than a club is insane.