would love some perspectives on my story?

[Reinvention]

I really like what Soulfully and Adversity wrote. I was confused and shocked by my X's mean and cold behavior after a 5 + year relationship. In a fit of anger following a fight the night before, he moved-out half of his possessions during his usual silent treatment modes - no discussion. He disappeared for a week with nc. I was suffering, but I wanted to give him his cave time without contacting him. Still having the keys and half his possessions in our place, he managed to return twice while I was gone. He had left a note indicating that he'd come back during the week for the rest of his stuff and that we'd talk then. Nothing. I had to email him being that I was in complete limbo state not knowing what was going though his head. He emailed me back a few times, again, telling me he'd try to stop by during the week. When he finally did the following week, he told me it was over and that he was moving on and it was all my fault because of some fights, there were no thank yous for our wonderful relationship, just a cliche it was a good ride. All the time I'm trying to tell him to come home and we can work it out.

 

Long story short is that he is 29 going on 23 wanting to be a big rock star and had not been able to give me a future "us" conversation even though we had been together for 5 years. He was great in action when showing he cared deeply for me, but he was extremely challenged in telling me with words. For instance, he has never told me that he loves me yet he has shown me in many ways. This has bothered me, and I tried to talk to him about the L word, but he refused and said he'd never say it again. Okay, so he's been through pain in his life, but to withhold it from me shows that he has trust issues. And I know he does because I know him so well, but I knew better than to take it personally because it's HIM. He has said that he never wants to marry again (he was married very very early due to her getting pregnant and having a daughter). That isn't exactly what a positive gal wants to hear of course, but it's not like I was looking for a ring quite yet anyway. I am 29 and would like to perhaps get married in my mid thirties. He knew this, and I never game him pressure.

 

I knew a lot of his immaturity came from having a non-loving unstable family and having to fend for himself at age 12, moving around every year and having no role models. Coming from a broken family has taught him to survive early in life, but not to function well emotionally. I have had to overcompensate as his partner. Of course, I didn't learn about all of this until after we were together even though we were friends first.

 

I came to this site just searching on the internet because like all of you, I have been going through loss of appetite, lack of sleep, random crying sessions, sadness, sense of regret, denial, panic, anxiety, and depression. I definitely have my ups and downs when some days are much better than others. The mornings and weekends are the worst when I wake-up, not having him by me when I wake-up. I am disappointed that he would walk away from a sweet relationship after some fights that he saw as unfair. I have apologized and took responsibility for some of the fights, but for him to blame those fights for our break-up is beyond me. The conversation, from my perspective, could have been more honest in that, "Girlfriend, I have been having issues and my desire to be a rock star is a priority for me because I only have one more year until I turn the big 30." The ironic part of this is that I have done everything to support him emotionally and financially through his 6 different bands, sofor him to feel like I may be holding him back is selfish. But that is what I am trying to accept is that perhaps he needs to be in a selfish bubble right now.

 

Anyway, I was so happy to see him that one time (I believe that a main reason he came was because I had called the bassist in his band to get an idea of my X's headspace because he was making NC with me, keepin me in complete limbo.) I asked the bassist, who is quite young, to not ever treat a girlfriend in such a way. I think he felt bad for me because we have always been very friendly and so the next day, my X comes over after calling me, perhaps influenced by the bassist. The bassist did tell me that my X did not talk about it too much and only knew about the situation very generally and no details - further evidence that many men do not talk to other men about their issues. So here he is after not seeing him for over a week, I am completely so excited to be with him. He is standing there stone cold, tough, armored, and non-affectionate - almost businesslike. I try to break the cover by kissing, hugging, and touching him. He pulls away half of the time, and the other half he would allow it. I am obviously hurt.

 

By the end of his visit which was under an hour, he asks if he can keep half his stuff in the place, and at first, I am resistent to the idea. I know he has a storage room, so I am confused by why he would want to continue to keep half his life in the place. I proceed to ask for the keys, and he announces that he is going to keep them. I am like, what? I definitely did not want to get into an argument about it being that this was the first I had seen him in over a week, so I just told him to please call me before he comes over for whatever reasons. He agrees. Right now, I have no strong feelings about asking him to take the rest of his stuff or for him to return the keys. A friend of mine put it interestingly to me recently, "Well, it's not really over then is it?" All those who care about me have told me that people typically move all their stuff out if it's over, and that the keys and his stuff in the place is him trying to have control or a tie to me. He also has some financial obligations to me which means there will be some sort of contact in the many more months. I guess I'm just confused by his actions. Of course a big part of me wants him to realize he has made a mistake while he's out there and then to come back to me more mature. That is my intuition and gut feeling, but I certainly don't want to kid myself.

 

Thus far, I have done really well from what my friends tell me. I am blessed to have awesome friends, family, job, co-workers, boss, and neighbors. I am taking pretty good care of myself and beginning to pursue some of my own dreams with his absence. I just wonder why someone would give-up the most stable part of his live (me) and make his life even more difficult in pursuit of his rock star dream? I asked him if we could still be together, and he said no. I asked him if we could be friends, and he said that that never works-out. I replied that I cared about him as a person so why couldn't we remain friends. He responded that maybe with time. Here is a little bit about him: He has hated most of all his jobs he has had and barely can stick with jobs for more than a year, he doesn't seem to care about establishing intimate male or female friendships (ie more than superficial or networking purposes), he is a hard-working, talented musician, and very caring towards me (except in fights and this break-up).

 

Any insight from anybody would be so nice. It's obvious that he's not trying to make contact, and I keep telling myself that it's only been 3 weeks and not to expect him having a huge realization this early into the separation. Is there anybody out there who has or knows of a couple getting back together healthily after a break-up? Part of the issue is that it is very difficult to talk to him because he thrives on silent treatment. I can say that I was a pro at the silent treatment in my previous relationship, but to be on the other side is so difficult. I have a strong feeling I will see him again within the next couple of weeks due to the financial obligations I mentioned earlier. I often wonder if he thinks about me or misses me as much as I do him. I have known him long enough to know patterns regarding other relationships around him - he makes big dramatic scenes when he doesn't get his way, says things he regrets, and then ends-up going through much pain to try to reconcile when he realizes immaturity. I know I'm all over the place with my story, but relationships are complex.

 

Peace,

Sad

[Scott S]

It sounds like there are maturity issues. Extensive ones. You admitted as much about yourself, & while you may have done some growing, it appears he still needs to. From what you describe, he is lacking direction & purpose in his life.

 

While I would never discourage someone from pursung a dream (i.e. his wanting to be a big rock star), I know that some pursuits require a good "Plan B," as the chances of success are somewhat remote. Some years ago, Nike ran a magazine ad, showing a photo of a basketball jersey draped over a locker room bench, & a pile of school texbooks in front of it. The ad read "Your chances of making it in the pros are a million to one. Better have a back-up plan."

 

Let's look at other things. Prone to "dramatic scenes" (Blind Date translation - Temper Tantrums). Silent treatment (Another Blind Date translation - Sulking). Not taking responsiblity for his life. Blaming everything on you. Not taking ownership for issues in the relationship. You describe him as 29 going on 23, but it appears to me more like 29 going on 4. The tots in the Sunday School class my wife & I taught seem to be more socially & emotionally mature, I'm afraid.

 

I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound condescending. I know you still care about him. But I think that given his present level of maturity, a decent love relationship is unlikely to happen right now. He has far too much growing up to do before he will be either willing or able to put in the requisite effort.

 

Hope this is helpful.

[Reinvention]

Scott S,

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to provide such valuable insight. I totally agree with you. Since my posting, I have reached a decision that I am exhausted from obsessing over our break-up. I am so happy that I am not feeling like I did during my first 3 weeks. Being week 4, I feel much healthier in the head. I started personal projects that I have had in the back-burner for quite some time and plan to travel next year. I fully realized it wasnt all my fault that we broke-up and that he was the one who had the serious issues. In fact, I just spoke to his uncle this morning who called this morning, the closest family to my X, and he didn't even know about our break-up because my X hasn't returned any of his calls. He absolutely confirmed all that I was feeling, and he even gave me really interesting background childhood information about his family when he was growing-up and the related challenges (control and machismo issues, etc) all the males in the family have. He actually thanked me for being so kind and good to my X all these years and acknowledged that my X was being a fool. He asked me not to give-up on my X though he hoped that his nephew would come to the realization of how special I am sooner than later before I lose interest. His uncle even said that my X needs professional counseling. That's so funny that you wrote he's 29 going-on 4 because that's what my friends think too and that I was giving him too much credit with 23.

 

I'm moving forward knowing that I'm going to be just fine. Since my posting, we have seen each other once and emailed each other a few times. I gave him a care packet of goodies because he told me he had been really sick. He is becoming human again. He actually doesn't look like he's doing so hot. Sometimes maturity is learned the hard way through self destruction, but I only wish him the very best in the healing process of life. I am growing, Scott, thank you. I just hope that he and I can maintain a wonderful friendship...