Teenage girl who's not too sure if in an abusive relationship or not...

[NicoleTwo]

That seventeen year old teenage girl would be me. It may sound stupid, but I'm not too sure if I'm in an abusive relationship or not.

 

My boyfriend and I are both strong believers in Christ, and always attend church. We're not the best Christians out there, but we certainly do try. We were friends for about half a year, and things were going great. He was such a sweet guy and was so respectful towards me. Two months ago he asked me out and we've been together ever since then.

 

For the first month everything was fine, but for the past month he's been acting different. It started out with the simple name calling...I've been called "stupid", and "an idiot" by him. At first, it was seldom that he called me those things, but now it's like an every day thing. Then came the rough grabbing. He started grabbing my arm in a rough manner and I'd tell him it would hurt but he wouldn't believe me.

 

I started going over to his house and we both agreed on not having sex. However, at times, making out and "petting" would be involved in our times spent together at his house. Sometimes, I wouldn't want to make out, but he'd throw me on his bed and pin me down and kiss me, and no matter what I said he wouldn't get off me. He'd either continue to kiss me, or kiss my neck and place his hand over my mouth. A few times he's even placed a pillow over my head for a while and then remove it and laugh....after doing all this he'd say he was only kidding.

 

Being Christians, both of us try our best not to curse. However, about two weeks ago, I let the word "damn" slip from my mouth and he told me next time I said that he'd slap me. I thought he was kidding and I said it again and sure enough he slapped me. I was like "Why the hell did you do that?" And he says "I told you not to curse" and slaps the back of my head. I ended up telling him I was sorry, not being too sure why I was the one apologizing, but doing it anyway.

 

He got mad at me about a week ago because he had told me to be quiet cause he was trying to hear sometime on the radio and I kept talking cause what I was telling him was more important than what the radio was saying and he totally blows up on me. He starts yelling at me at the top of his lungs saying "You really know how to piss me off! Next time I tell you to do something, do it!"

 

The other day I told him I got a ride from a male friend to school one morning and he got so angry. I told him "I'm sorry...but you don't have to get so mad." He replies with "Well maybe if you'd stop being a whore!". Once again, I tell him I'm sorry.

 

Now, he's just been really insensitive to my feelings. I mean, at times he can be really sweet, and we are in love, but there's other times when he's just such a jerk and he'll make me feel so small. I tell him this and he tells me I'm just being sensitive. Today he called me a "ho" as if it was nothing and I got all upset and he told me he was just kidding and I should know that.

 

I'm not too sure what to do...I mean, it's not like he beats me or anything, and I seriously doubt he ever would...it's just the small things that have really been bothering me lately. He really is a morally good person, but the way he "jokes" with me really hurts my feelings.

 

Advice is welcomed...

[swtbonita]

I can't believe you would actually take... yes he is abusive... I have been with my bf for 3 years.. never once has he called me stupid or whore.. never once has he slapped me.. never once has he hurt me physically.. never once did he try to put a pillow over my head to suffocate me.. that is abuse and i wouldn't take that from anyone.. why do you let him treat you that way.. You seem to be too good of a person to be with someone like that.. you are 17 and have alot of time to find a nice christian guy if you want that.. your current bf doesn't seem to be a very good christian or person..

 

If you don't do anything now, and if you stay with him.. it will only get much much worse.. he seems very controlling.. and it sounds to me that one day he might rape you.. No LOVING BF will ever make their gf do anything they don't want to do.. Respect yourself.. get out of the relationship.. ask yourself if you really want to be treated this way..

[bluechocolate]

He really is a morally good person, but the way he "jokes" with me really hurts my feelings.

 

"Jokes"?! You're not laughing, are you? You shouldn't excuse his bad behaviour like this - some men who call themselves Christian & go to church do beat their wives & abuse their children.

from swtbonita

If you don't do anything now, and if you stay with him.. it will only get much much worse.. he seems very controlling.. and it sounds to me that one day he might rape you.. No LOVING BF will ever make their gf do anything they don't want to do.. Respect yourself.. get out of the relationship.. ask yourself if you really want to be treated this way..

and please don't kid yourself that you can "change" him.

 

It may sound stupid, but I'm not too sure if I'm in an abusive relationship or not.

 

Yes you are.

[meanon]

I'd tell him it would hurt but he wouldn't believe me.

If you did that to someone and they told you that you had hurt them, would you believe them? He knows he is hurting you, he expects you to take it. If you let him, he will continue to vent his frustration at life on you.

 

I wouldn't want to make out, but he'd throw me on his bed and pin me down and kiss me, and no matter what I said he wouldn't get off me. He'd either continue to kiss me, or kiss my neck and place his hand over my mouth. A few times he's even placed a pillow over my head for a while and then remove it and laugh....after doing all this he'd say he was only kidding.

This is no joke. As with the hurting, he does not care what you want. All he is interesed in is making you do what he wants.

 

Next time I tell you to do something, do it!"

There you have it - you can't ask for a clearer message than that. You do what he wants, regardless of your wishes, or he will attempt to make you comply.

 

It doesn't really matter how nice he is the rest of the time, this guy is a bully and he makes you feel bad about yourself. You deserve better. Dump him.

[Shuffty]

I totally and completely agree with the other comments on this situation. Yes yes YES this is an abusive relationship! Anyone who hurts you, puts you down and makes you feel bad about yourself is not worth the love or the time, no matter how much you care about him.

 

It might only be 'joking' around at the moment, and it might only seem like little things, but that's how it starts. It will only go from bad to worse. You're not obligated to stay with this person, so get out! Find somebody who treats you like a queen, never EVER makes you feel small, and who you love being around all the time. There is someone like that, you deserve it.

 

You really don't have to put up with it, he is a bad person, whether he has morals or not is irrelevant. Leave him before it gets worse, don't let him talk you round! Just think about all the horrible things he's done to upset you, it's normal for couples to argue occasionally, but there's a line and he's crossed it a long time ago. Ditch him.

[tiki]

Yes, this guy is abusive. Get out NOW. There are men out there that will not treat you this way. Do yourself a favor, get a head start before he's seriously physically hurting you.

[paradissa1]

i've been where you are hun.please please get out its only gonna get worse.if you need an ear pm me i'm here.

[Carson34]

Hello there,

Yes he is abusive. There is no doubt there. A guy who loves you would consider your feelings, and abide by them. Being smothered, slapped, and told to do what you're told are not acceptable forms of interaction. No matter how you 'feel' about him, this can easily turn into a slippery slope and you will end up feeling like a non-person, who has no voice in her own life. Believe me, I've been there. For me it took 8yrs of trying to 'fix' it and my daughter finally telling me that if I didn't get out of the relationship she would eventually have to grow up without a mother...it only gets worse. YOU HAVE WAY MORE WORTH THAN THIS GUY IS RECOGNIZING. Please, please...walk away...run if you feel like you have to. Sending you my prayers and my love.

[NicoleTwo]

and it sounds to me that one day he might rape you..

 

I am pretty sure that he wouldn't rape me. He's too into the "saving himself" for marriage...just as I am. There's been plenty of times where we are at his house alone and he's never tried to force me to have sex with him.

 

"Jokes"?! You're not laughing, are you?

 

I used to find some of the things he told me funny...but after a while it gets really old especially when he doesn't know when to stop. I mean, I know he's kidding, he just really over does it alot of the time...and then, when I try to joke around with him and he doesn't feel like joking I have to get serious.

 

It might only be 'joking' around at the moment, and it might only seem like little things, but that's how it starts. It will only go from bad to worse.

 

I used to always hear about those situations where it all started out small and then turned into something worse. But I can honestly say, I know he would never seriously beat me or rape me.

 

Uuughhh, I feel like crying right now. I feel trapped, I honestly do. I already love the guy. We fell in love before we were officially a couple...when he was such a sweet guy to me. I've never been in a relationship like this...but I used to hear about them all the time, and I would tell myself, "No guy is over going to take control over me...yeh right!" But I've let him...

 

Even today...he made me so mad and upset over something that he said and when he saw how upset I was all he did was laugh at me.

 

But you know, it's weird. I checked out some unhealthy relationship websites yesterday...and my boyfriend doesn't show all the signs of an abuser. That's why I was unsure if I was being abused....he's not the extremely jealous type. I read that that was a major sign of abuse. I mean, I can talk to guys at school...he doesn't mind...I guess it's when I actually ride in a car with a guy that he gets upset. It's just so weird though...sometimes he can be the sweetest boyfriend in the world, and I feel so loved around him, and then other times he'll talk to me like I'm a child of his.

 

You know, I've even tried to talk to my mom about him. About a week and a half ago I told her that he's been yelling at me alot..and she acted like it was nothing. I really don't want to break up with him, but I'm surely going to be considering it. I'll give him a bit more time, though.

 

Thanks for the advice everyone. I really appreciate it.

[meanon]

Hugs to you Nicole

 

You sound like a lovely girl, you'll be OK. It's hard when someone we love mistreats us. It doesn't matter what the label is or what he may or may not do. You said it yourself, you've let him take control of you, he treats you like a child. You rightly expect more of love and life than this. Take your time but do make sure you get what you deserve. Life is to short to suffer like this.

[bluechocolate]

I used to always hear about those situations where it all started out small and then turned into something worse. But I can honestly say, I know he would never seriously beat me or rape me.

 

I'm sure many women "could have honestly" said the same thing. Did you read the post by Carson34?

 

I mean, I know he's kidding, he just really over does it alot of the time...and then, when I try to joke around with him and he doesn't feel like joking I have to get serious.

 

There you go making excuses for him. What he is doing is not OK, despite any excuses you may come up with.

 

.....and then other times he'll talk to me like I'm a child of his.

 

Whether its intentional on his part or not, he is using tried & true methods to control you.

 

I'll give him a bit more time, though.

 

You are too young for drama from guys like this. I hope everything works out well for you.

[quankanne]

Nicole,

 

you need to run away from this boy as fast as you can, because things can only get worse. It doesn't matter if he "sees" himself as a "good Christian" boy ... he can tell himself (and you) that until he's blue in the face, but his actions reveal his true self.

 

a man who respects you wouldn't mentally abuse you (the name-calling bit). He wouldn't physically abuse you (striking you). And he especially wouldn't force himself on you when you say "no." ESPECIALLY if he's a "good Christian" guy!

 

you might love him, and he might love you, but until he can show his love in a way that's positive -- first starting by showing you respect -- he really hasn't put his money where his mouth is.

 

not to be a fear-monger, but these are some pretty strong signs of someone who will mature into a serious abuser, in my way of thinking. And no amount of love from you will make things better.

 

run. Fast and far away. You are too young to be caught up in this kind of demonic behavior, no matter how much in love you think you are with him.

 

love = respect

 

quank

[Shuffty]

I always promised myself i wouldn't get pushed around by lads, but guess what, i did. You're not the first and you won't be the last. I thought i'd let myself down and felt ****ty for ages before i realised i didn't have to be like that. It still hurts sometimes but it's a thousand times better now.

 

You don't need this guy.

 

You say yourself you've let him take control over you. Even if your mum thinks it's nothing, you know how it makes you feel and that's enough.

 

I think you know you have to end it, you wouldn't be saying all this if you didn't. You can't 'honestly' know what he'll do in the future and that's why you've got to save yourself now. I know that sounds dramatic, but it's true.

[ntovrhm]

He slapped you, that is abuse. He is mentally abusing you and controlling. A loving caring relationship is not like this. The problem is, sometimes you get sucked in too slowly that don't you don't realize how bad it got until you are out of it. Compare your relationship to this from the bible:

 

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves.

 

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

 

Your budding relationship does not sound like this. Please seriously evaluate and consider getting out of this.

[ntovrhm]

I guess what I truly mean, in case you misinterpret it, is that this boy is NOT love.

[ntovrhm]

. . but for some reason, your post really hit a nerve with me. I'm bothered that he slapped you, I'm not sure now whether it was the back of your face or your head, but your story reminds me of my ex. And you are just in your first two months.

 

I hope you come back and read this. I am really bothered about the way he told you

 

"You really know how to piss me off! Next time I tell you to do something, do it!"

 

That is just too controlling and self-absorbed. In fact, that's what scares me most about what you may have to to deal with in the future.

 

Please try to step out of the box and look at this from an outside perspective. If you won't listen to anyone here, talk to someone you know and trust to give you a better perspective.

 

I didn't, and made excuses to myself through my last serious relationship. And it wasn't until I finally confided to to some of my good friends that I got some perspective.

 

Even after that I doubted, because I loved him so much, but now I see so clearly. I would not have been happy with him in the long run (and you are so young to be wasting your time on someone you doubt this much two months into the relationship).

 

Someone you will be in love with, hell, someone you would like to be with, would act this way towards you.

 

I had loved my ex, and it could have been such a good thing, when he wasn't THAT WAY. But the bad will definitely outweigh the good in the long run.

 

Please move on. . . he just isn't a good person, Christian or not.

[jmargel]

Nicole,

 

I have been in one relationship for 5 years, and now with my wife for a year and a half. In either of these two, I have never slapped or belittled them in any sort of way. Abuse comes in various forms, such as physical, emotional and verbal. He is doing all three to you. Not all abusers will exhibit all signs either. Whether or not will he become an abuser is not the point. The point is he is hurting you on all three of those levels and has not stopped after you confronted him with this.

 

There is a difference between love and possession. He sees you more like 'his' possession than as seeing you as an individual that he can love. The thing is, you can't fix him or his problems. No matter how much love or care you show for him, only he can fix himself. He'll have to do this by going to counseling, since there is a good chance he was probably raised this way in seeing his father do this to his mother. Especially at this early of an age, this is frightening.

 

You need to protect yourself, and in all honesty most relationships that start at the age of 17 really don't last a lifetime. You need to look after yourself, otherwise you will become a helpless victim. It will only get worse, and the only way for him to truly wake up to see what he's doing is to leave him. You should be focusing on other parts of your life, not trying to dedicate it to someone who's not going to appreciate you.

[NicoleTwo]

It doesn't matter if he "sees" himself as a "good Christian" boy ... he can tell himself (and you) that until he's blue in the face, but his actions reveal his true self.

 

See, that's another thing. There's alot of things that I notice him do which prove him to have a kind heart. He's kind to strangers, polite to adults, and in general a very good student at school. When it comes to me, though, his attitude can change.

 

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

 

I've looked over that verse a thousand times, especially since we've been together. It hurts me so much because I know that it is so true and I don't always see it in our relationship. He can be a really sweet guy and tell me all these lovely things that I absolutely love hearing but lately I've seriously been doubting alot of it.

 

I'm bothered that he slapped you, I'm not sure now whether it was the back of your face or your head...

 

He slapped me on my cheek for saying damn, and then on the back of my head for saying hell.

 

I didn't, and made excuses to myself through my last serious relationship.

 

I suppose that's what I've been doing. After most of the insults and putdowns...he'll tell me he's only kidding. But it's like...the damage is already done. It's so horrible because the verbal abuse has really been getting worse. Today was bad..he put me down so many times and it really is beginning to hurt more and more. I actually believe that what he's been telling me hurts me more than those slaps.

 

The thing is, you can't fix him or his problems.

 

These past few days have made me notice that I can't fix him. I mean, I've already told him that it hurts my feelings when he talks to me like that, but he continues to say "You know I'm just kidding." or "You're just overly sensitive." It's not stopping, and it even appears to me that he enjoys putting me down. Is it to make himself feel better or what? I don't understand why he would do that.

 

No matter how much love or care you show for him, only he can fix himself.

 

Once again, that is so true. I've tried to show my love and care for him more, but it doesn't work.

 

...since there is a good chance he was probably raised this way in seeing his father do this to his mother.

 

Actually, no...his father is a really good hearted man. However, his mother is a different story. His parents got a divorce because of her. Apparantly it was like both he (my boyfriend), his little brother, and his father were always "walking on eggshells" around her. I don't think she was physically abusive though. Perhaps he got it from her? Wow..I've never really thought about that. I was always thinking to myself..."his father is such a good person..why does he have to be like this to me?" But now that I think about it...I never even considered that he may have seen his mother verbally abusing them.

 

Once again, I thank all of you for you concern...I really am thankful for all the advice I received. Ever since I tried to talk to my mother about it and she blew me off I've just felt like I couldn't even try to bring it up with her again...so I really am appreciative of you all's support.

[ntovrhm]

I'm glad you came back to read the posts. Really consider what we have told you. You have so much ahead of you in life, and as you get older, you learn not to waste your time on the wrong people.

 

Just because he is good to you some of the time, does not discount his horrible behavior towards you the rest of the time.

 

And just because he can be a nice person to others, does not discount him being mean to someone he supposedly cares about. There are many people that can do that.

 

Believe in yourself, and trust your instincts on this one. You would not have posted here if you didn't think that something was wrong with him and his behavior.

 

I had some indications in the beginning about my ex's future behavior, and had tried to talk to someone who had known him before, but they really didn't know enough about him in that way to give me any insight. I should have trusted my instincts.

 

You seem like a very sweet and caring young woman, and you need to give that to a man that will give you the same back. Please take care!

[heartburn]

Why are you making accuses for him. He has already conditioned your mind to think he is joking or it is not rape. If you don't get out now, be expecting more pain and hurt. You know the truth, for you would not be chatting with us.