terlislee Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 I feel so pathetic. I seem not to have moved on at all since last year, more like regressed even, and it’s entirely my fault. It was a short but intense relationship, 5-6 months, he kept telling me he loved me so much and then cut me off completely last summer without any explanation. I kept asking if we could talk/stay friends every week or so, then went two months NC, sent email, a month NC, contacted him again, then two months NC again. He never replied, I felt horrible, I blamed myself every single day, I thought I did something that pushed him away, I apologised to him several times, I thought he was maybe going through a bad time himself. I checked his Facebook after Christmas from an old account and he looked so good, I also figured he was probably dating someone new, which killed me inside. I didn’t really care about NC at that point, I contacted him like three times in the span of two months. Eventually he replied, I couldn’t bring myself to read it for a week, I was so scared he would be nasty and yep he was. Asked me what I wanted, that there were too many differences between us and he couldn’t take it anymore, that we are not together and that’s not going to change and to please leave him alone and isn’t that clear. I was so angry at him for not telling me this when he left. I replied that I knew we weren’t together and definitely didn’t want him back in that way either, that I only tried to be friends and if he thought we were too different for that then fair enough, but no need to be mean about it. That I’d leave him alone now, that I would have earlier, but he didn’t tell me anything for 8 months and I wasn’t a mind reader. I’ve been NC since, almost 6 months now, 5 months since I checked his Facebook again like an idiot only to see that yep there was most probably a new girl, who seems absolutely perfect and I feel so incredibly worthless compared to her. I’m still not over him, I miss him a lot and it hurts thinking about him. I still crave some kind of confirmation that I meant something as a person to him, I don’t understand why we can’t be at least civil/on speaking terms with each other. It’s not like I’d expect us to be best friends or talk a lot, we wouldn’t have to at all, but it would make moving on so much easier, I wouldn’t have to feel so rejected and worthless every day. It seems to be stronger than everything, I quit my job, dropped out of one of my two uni programs, I’m about to fail my last year at law school, I owe money to my school and parents, I went to therapy and flaked out, quit antidepressants because they were making me sleep all the time, basically spent a year at home not doing anything, ignored my friends, cut off a boy I liked just because I freaked out and thought he would do it to me first, like my ex did. I know all the things I have to do to move on, but it feels too late and I’m overwhelmed by the smallest tasks, I don’t have the energy and will to change anything anymore. I just want him not to hate me like this.
petall Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 I am sorry to read you are having such a hard time. It's often the case that these short intense relationships cause the worst heartbreak. Everything is still at the "honeymoon stage" and then suddenly you are let go, with no closure. It makes us keep wondering what exactly went wrong. Sadly, you were also humiliated through all those attempts you tried to contact him and he remained quiet/replied nastily. That dealt you a double blow. That's why everyone advises no contact straightaway so you can start to distance yourself from the very cause of your pain. He's told you in no uncertain terms he doesn't want to have any further contact so the best thing to do now is pick yourself up and stop dwelling. You have to process your own closure. Just accept the relationship is over, you were not compatible (as he himself said) and that somewhere out there, there IS someone who is compatible waiting for you. Start living life again and just dismiss himself as a tough life experience and something you move from now a better and wiser person. Don't let him win by failing your school or other life hopes you have. Then he will truly have destroyed you and that would be ridiculous to allow - he's just a man who doesn't want you - ok fine! You don't need him, go and find a much better person! 5
Author terlislee Posted August 31, 2013 Author Posted August 31, 2013 Thank you so much for the reply! I keep beating myself up about not going NC straight away, once you don’t get a reply the first time you are caught up in this masochistic cycle wanting to prove that you’ll eventually be worth one, that the person you loved wouldn’t do this to you, but it only puts you down more and more. I did something horrible after posting my thread here I basically went and google stalked him, there was a video with him, it made me happy seeing and hearing him after a year, but suddenly it was clear he was in some girl’s room. I lost it and logged into the old Facebook account and sure enough he was visiting the girlfriend, who lives on different continent. I never had a proof of them really dating, so of course my brain lived in some kind of fantasy where he was single still, it’s the worst feeling ever. I literally threw up, I keep shaking, my brain’s numb, I feel like either ending my life or trying to reach him on a phone, email, anyhow and make him talk to me which I know he never would. I want to die, I texted my best friend if I could call her but she absolutely hates me talking about him and hasn't replied yet. I have no one else to call and talk about it. What do I do??? I also kept his email and phone number filtered into separate folders and now I checked them after a few months and of course there was nothing. I’m so disposable, I ruined my life just waiting for him, when he was happy with someone else all this time. I know I’ll never find anyone better than him, he was special, I can’t explain it. I just want him to tell me I’m good enough. I’m so sick right now I messed everything up there’s no point in anything now.
Author terlislee Posted August 31, 2013 Author Posted August 31, 2013 God it hurts so much I can’t breathe. I’m so stupid. Please stop me from trying to contact him now.
candie13 Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 darling, the way you describe your symptoms, lack of sleep, lack of energy and general mood... you might be in the middle of a depressive episode. No man should be more important than education, so you might want to limit the damage asap. I think it was very cruel of him to avoid giving you any closure, I think he may not be ready to face the consequence of his actions - keeping you so high and then letting you fall hard. Either way, it is not normal to be pinning over him for so long... Do see a specialist, s/he may help you to get your shyte together, maybe even save a bit of your studies. stay well
Author terlislee Posted August 31, 2013 Author Posted August 31, 2013 i know it’s not normal, i was doing much better, i never thought seeing him happy with someone else would give me such a reaction after a year. and i know i’m depressed, i was being treated for clinical depression several times, but the pills never seem to work and the doctors don’t seem to really care. i was going to a therapist and then i couldn’t make myself one day and then i just stopped because i felt bad about not showing up. i think my studies are over. seven years over. i have lots of exams starting monday and i can’t do it. i don’t know why i did this today, i was doing so well avoiding the slightest info about him since march. i had everything last year and now i have nothing. i feel like till today i had at least a little bit of hope to cling to and now that’s gone too. this was a second time i was cut off like this in a relationship and i guess my brain just refused to process it, i probably lived in some kind of illusion where he was still mine and coming back eventually. i can’t deal with the reality how do you guys do that, i feel such a complete disconnect and can’t accept it.
candie13 Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 change therapist. listen, your ex is happy, your life is going down the drain. Put a stop to it and ask for proper help. It can get a LOT worst before it gets better. I mean a LOT. For what? for a man who treated you so poorly? Whose life goes on like nothing happened? Pick yourself up, girl. Get proper help. No one but a professional can help you right now and you are heading straight into a wall. You know why? Because it's not normal to feel so low, because it is a chemical imbalance. Imagine, what if you saw a doctor who would give you the pills to make you cope with the pain? to make you functional? 1
Balance Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 terlislee, I know how you feel - at least I think I do. I was dumped like that 1,5 months ago and still feel awful. He also broke up with me with no proper explanation and I had all possible reasons going round in my head all this time. He hasn't contacted me ever since and I think he never will. I keep waking up every morning and this thought is the first thing on my mind - it feels crazy. Yet, the only way out is to move on no matter how painful and impossible it seems. Go on with your studies, they are more important than anything else. If you aren't ready to date, do something different to divert yourself - go on a holiday, for example, meet new people, get your mind off him. You will be better, I know! Read some of the threads here - they do help a lot - you'll see what people are going through and may be it will help. Just don't sit at home and focus on smb who's definitely not worth it! 1
Author terlislee Posted September 3, 2013 Author Posted September 3, 2013 I do feel really silly now for wasting a year hoping that NC would make him miss me while he was apparently crazy in love with the new girl for most of it, graduating with top honours, travelling etc. I had no clear idea really. I’m having such a hard time dealing with this now, the facebook pictures and his statuses about how happy he is when he went visit her, my brain can’t shut it out, she is so much more beautiful than me too, I could never compare with her. It all makes me so incredibly anxious and panicky, I keep drugging myself with calming pills. I just really want him still, he is the most amazing person I ever met in my eyes, and I feel like it’s all my fault he left, I know it’s incredibly selfish though, to want someone who doesn’t love me. I wish he would just show he cared at least a little bit, asked how I was or something, said he was sorry for cutting me off. I mean he is the one who left and is now happy with this new girl so why does he has so much resentment for me I don’t understand. I never begged him back or was nasty to him and he promised he would never hurt me and that I’d never lose him as a person and then went and did the exact opposite. So yeah I guess this is the hardest part for me to deal with, that he has been with this new girl longer than with me now and it seems like a great relationship for them. I want to be happy for him, but it’s hard when he hurt me so much. I don’t wish him anything bad though. I guess we couldn’t be friends even if he wanted now, because hearing about that girl would be too painful for me. I feel so lost with all the hope gone
MontyCarlo Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 Sounds to me as though you think you have gone NC, but somehow you still see his pictures on the damned social network. Block him, delete your account, do whatever you need to do so that you do not see him again. I'm going to be harsh. He doesn't want you, he's made that perfectly clear. So what are you going to do about it? Be miserable, depressed and taking calming drugs for the rest of your life? It sucks what has happened, but your not the only one in the situation of a broken heart. Sorry to tell you this bad news but this may not be your only one either! Pick yourself up, dust yourself down you will get over him, it just takes time. Time that you have yet to give yourself.
petall Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 (edited) Terlislee, I am going to be brutally honest with you here but I think you have very deep issues and please try to seek help or you will just let this screw up your entire life. Talk to your parents, friends, therapist etc. It's not natural for you to keep at things this way after all this time. Why do you still want to know he cares/cared? The man left you, threw your relationship aside, discarded you. That's all the answer you need as to his "care". You have to let go, the relationship is over, he's not coming back. Take control of your situation or you will just fester in this hole forever. The man is NOT the right guy for you. Believe in destiny or whatever it is that you want. But you have to do something to put this behind you and be determined to do so. Don't let him win, as I said above. Edited September 4, 2013 by petall
newmoon Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 hi there. I am really sorry to hear that you're still struggling. but a year after? that is kind of beyond what is 'expected' - by now you should have progressed. if you haven't it may be a symptom of something else going on with you, perhaps depression. it might be good to talk to someone to better understand yourself and why you cannot let go. break-ups really are like grieving a death, but you move on in stages and should have reached abetter place by now. it also sounds like perhaps some self-esteem issues you have, especially the statement (a false one!) that 'you will never find anyone better.' That is a statement made by someone who doesn't know their own worth. You will find someone who will be your everything once again, and the sooner you can get beyond what you are dealing with the sooner that can happen for you
Author terlislee Posted September 4, 2013 Author Posted September 4, 2013 I do have him blocked, or rather he blocked me last summer, I also blocked about 30 of his friends so I wouldn’t snoop. But I gave in and logged into my old account (we’re not friends there) and checked his profile last autumn, then February, April and this Saturday. I don’t know why I did, it set me back every time, but on the other hand if I knew from the beginning there was another girl shortly after me I wouldn’t keep this stupid hope and waited for I don't know what, I also wouldn’t make myself look like a fool trying to contact him. It’s just really hard when you get no explanation, you create all these scenarios and reasons in your head that keep you stuck.
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