I feel like i'm dying inside. Am i crazy? Can't let go.

[Lekram]

Hi All,

 

Thank you in advance for taking the time to read my none sense. I don't really have anyone else to talk to and well, this story is very long because its been happening for a year now.

 

I met my boyfriend back in the US until he was offered a job in another country. I followed him to this country and found myself a job (in the same small company) and lived with him. We were in a 4 year relationship until I ended it because i had feelings for another guy. I always had doubts about my relationship although he was the best boyfriend a girl could imagine- smart, loyal, funny, and handsome. The only thing that really lacked was that he wasn't very romantic, which started itching at me towards the last 2 years of our relationship. I had many talks with him about it but he said "he just isn't that type of person and it would feel forced". Not only did we live together but we also worked together and had the same group of friends outside of the office which may have been a big romance killer.

 

After feeling that our flame was dying due to the lack of romance and intimacy, i started to develop feelings for a mutual friend. Which in return made me lose complete interest in my boyfriend at the time. I acted on these feelings and ended it with my boyfriend. I was completely numb towards any type of feelings my ex boyfriend had, he was sad and tried talking to me several times, but i was completely shut down and didn't want to save things. I just wanted everything to end. I was a different person when i look back.

 

After the breakup, we still lived together. We thought maybe we could manage to be level headed and live separate lives outside of our apartment and the office. He was talking to other people while i continued speaking to the same guy. Having this separation between us made me look at him in a different light, a light that made me want him back. I felt like i was in love with him again. As soon as i felt that i was in love with him again, i ended it with this other guy.

 

More time went by as I felt my jealousy kick in when i saw him talking to other girls but I tried to mask it the best i could. Once i saw that he had an interest in one particular girl, i couldn't hold my jealousy back anymore and i told him i want everything back. He didn't like this idea, which was understandable because of what i had done to him. But in my eyes i felt we hit a large speed bump in our relationship which could be act as a wakeup call for both of us, and hopefully make things perfect again.

 

I went absolutely crazy and tried looking through his phone, facebook, and emails.. he felt completely disgusted towards me for all of that. I even messaged this girl he's talking to and asked her to back off and also said some other very nasty things to her. Obviously, none of this helped or made things better. He ended up going to see her in the states for 3 weeks while i stayed home going through the "grieving" process. I felt sick to my stomach knowing he was with another woman. I couldn't handle it, couldn't sleep and stayed home on the couch, monitoring when he was online. I would sometimes call him and beg him not to do anything with her. He declined making any type of promises and we stopped speaking for 2 weeks after a bad argument. Towards the end of his trip, i felt numb again. I thought maybe i was getting over things and moving on.

 

Until a few days before his trip was ending, he messaged me telling me he missed me and how he hopes i'll be at the airport to collect him because he wants to talk to me. When he got back, he told me he didn't do anything with this girl and that he wanted to work things out with me. I told him i would like that, but we should take things slow. A few days later, my interest kicked in. Did he really not sleep with this girl he had such a strong connection with? I checked his phone only to find out that he did sleep with her. We broke out into a huge fight and i cried myself to sleep next to him. It was horrible. Tee next morning i tried to go on like nothing happened because at the end of the day we weren't together when he slept with her and it was my fault that it happened.

 

For about 6 months we tried to work things out but throughout this duration he always brought up the past when he was drinking and how i "****ed some other guy". He would feel disgusted with me. It was a big emotional roller coster. He also didn't want to classify us as together (although we weren't allowed to talk to other people) until we were absolutely better, but we were far from it as we would fight almost every weekend and damage the relationship more and more.

 

Finally, we both went on separate trips. On his return, he messaged me saying he wants out of this relationship, i was devastated because i really wanted things to work. So here i am now, after 2 months trying to believe it's actually over. We still are living together. He has told me he doesn't have any feelings for me and that we are DONE. He wants me to move out and he wants us to move on. I am having a very hard time with this, once again. I am monitoring when he is talking to a girl, asking him who he's texting, interrogating him, and asking him why why why don't we fix it. He said he doesn't have any type of interest in me anymore and he just wants to be free. While he was on his trip he got to feel a sense of freedom from me and he wants that. How can he be completely over this? He said that i didn't JUST lose him but that i lost him a year ago when i admitted i slept with the other guy. So that's why it's so easy for him to end things.

 

It's so difficult to live together and go through something like this. Last night he went out with his friend and didn't come home. He said he doesn't want to come home because he doesn't want to be around me and my drama. I called him a few times asking who he was with and it pissed him off . He said i'm trying to control his life and that he feels completely trapped because of my behavior.

 

I don't know what to do at this point? I don't have anyone in this country, he was my best friend for the past 5 years and now i've lost him due to my unstable mind and actions. I just can't get my mind off of how i can fix things. I just want another chance to make things perfect again. I've thought about quitting my very well paid job and leaving the country to get the help and support of my family. But i know for a fact i'll never find such a good paying job with the same benefits, i've already tried looking. Also, moving back home with my mom and sister will be a very big blow to my morale. I hated the city they lived in before i left. If i move into another apartment, i'll have to sign for a year (thats how it works in this country) which i don't want to do because i feel i just need to be away from him in order to get over this (again, we work together).

 

At this point, i don't know what to do. I know staying here in this apartment will make things even worse because i cant control my feelings when i'm around him. I don't want to make him feel miserable and controlled, i know its ruining any type of future we COULD possibly have together. I am having the worse time trying to let go of him, I KNOW i will never find someone like him again.

 

Would anti depressants help me with my crazy outbreaks and anxiety? I don't know what to do. Just now, he came home and i cried, looking desperate as can be. He tried to comfort me then went to the bedroom and said he wish he never came home because he's sick of all of this drama.

 

Has anyone gone through something similar to this? Am i crazy, unstable, and emotionally dependent? I've probably revealed all of the most unattractive sides of me to him that would never make him want to rekindle things in the future. I don't know how to do anything except damage at this point.

 

Sorry for making this extremely long when maybe i could have somehow cut it short. I just wanted all of the details out there.

 

 

Looking for some type of support out there. Thanks again for taking the time for reading all of that.

[Ireallydontknow]

My ex did the almost same exact thing you did to your ex. She got bored of our relationship (5 years, engaged.) She tried to blame it all on how we had a rocky start (drugs, passive aggressive towards each other,) my anxiety, and the fact that she doesn't know what love is. Started seeing someone while still with me, had sex with him, and still is confused on what she wanted.

 

Here is the thing. You may of ruined what you had. Next time think, I don't know why people expect textbook romances. If there were the same problems, why did you string it along? I think you need to think more about that than getting him back.

 

Maybe I'm biased because I see myself in this story, except I'd be an idiot and take her back. This guy must have way more self esteem than I did. No matter what happens you two could never look at each other the same. In the back of your mind it will be there "He had sex with another woman." It will eat you, haunt you, you will react, push away, become angry.

 

I'd just go with NC. I'm 3 weeks NC today! It hurts like hell. I wake up wishing I could talk to her. But it's like drugs. I'll talk to her and feel good. Then my high will wear off. I've been there done that. Now if you'll excuse me I have an intense work out to do, I suggest you do the same.

 

Stay strong.

[Lekram]

My ex did the almost same exact thing you did to your ex. She got bored of our relationship (5 years, engaged.) She tried to blame it all on how we had a rocky start (drugs, passive aggressive towards each other,) my anxiety, and the fact that she doesn't know what love is. Started seeing someone while still with me, had sex with him, and still is confused on what she wanted.

 

Here is the thing. You may of ruined what you had. Next time think, I don't know why people expect textbook romances. If there were the same problems, why did you string it along? I think you need to think more about that than getting him back.

 

Maybe I'm biased because I see myself in this story, except I'd be an idiot and take her back. This guy must have way more self esteem than I did. No matter what happens you two could never look at each other the same. In the back of your mind it will be there "He had sex with another woman." It will eat you, haunt you, you will react, push away, become angry.

 

I'd just go with NC. I'm 3 weeks NC today! It hurts like hell. I wake up wishing I could talk to her. But it's like drugs. I'll talk to her and feel good. Then my high will wear off. I've been there done that. Now if you'll excuse me I have an intense work out to do, I suggest you do the same.

 

Stay strong.

 

 

Thank you for the response. Did she want to salvage the relationship after what she had done? I myself, have gotten over the fact he's slept with someone else. It wasn't eating at me for the 6 months we were 'trying'. That was something i got over once we agreed to work things out, and i understand where he came from with that. It's him who cannot get over the fact of what i've done to him. After all of this has happened it gave me a huge wakeup call, that he is the one i want to be with for the rest of my life. I've never felt like this in the past with him until now. I have this motivation and hope to make things better. I messed up big time, this is a mistake i'll always hold with me. Losing and hurting a wonderful person.

 

Sorry for my ignorance, what does NC mean?

[Ireallydontknow]

Ah, I will give you a more in depth response when I have time. I'm in between fitness classes right now and I gotta run. I'd love to share my story with you. Also NC means no contact, look up the guide on here and get used to it. It is one hell of a painful ride, trust me.

[Ireallydontknow]

Alright. Did she want to salvage the relationship? Currently no. She said she is happier and that she isn't even sure she loved me. Of course she is happy in a new relationship with the spark! She is probably deep down not happy with herself. At one point she did, but it was because she didn't want to be alone. She needed someone to get over me. That never works. She'll face the music one day. I was her first love, you just don't forget that with a rebound.

 

I'm in a better place though. I live in a mansion, I'm getting a new car, I'm in the better health, and I'm going back to school. The drudgery of my relationship kept me from getting all of that. She was extremely needy and was a hindrance to any kind of progress because she always had to not be alone.

 

You're situation though...I'm not sure what to think. You seem sincere. All you can do is work on yourself and forget the past. He may of moved on those 6 months. It's low, using you to move on. But it happens, happened to me and I'm accepting it now. So take it as you will, but right now you must accept the same thing we all accept on here. HE DOES NOT WANT TO BE WITH YOU RIGHT NOW. So move on, work on yourself, maybe find an upgrade?

 

Stay strong!

[crazy1234]

Hi All,

 

Thank you in advance for taking the time to read my none sense. I don't really have anyone else to talk to and well, this story is very long because its been happening for a year now.

 

I met my boyfriend back in the US until he was offered a job in another country. I followed him to this country and found myself a job (in the same small company) and lived with him. We were in a 4 year relationship until I ended it because i had feelings for another guy. I always had doubts about my relationship although he was the best boyfriend a girl could imagine- smart, loyal, funny, and handsome. The only thing that really lacked was that he wasn't very romantic, which started itching at me towards the last 2 years of our relationship. I had many talks with him about it but he said "he just isn't that type of person and it would feel forced". Not only did we live together but we also worked together and had the same group of friends outside of the office which may have been a big romance killer.

 

After feeling that our flame was dying due to the lack of romance and intimacy, i started to develop feelings for a mutual friend. Which in return made me lose complete interest in my boyfriend at the time. I acted on these feelings and ended it with my boyfriend. I was completely numb towards any type of feelings my ex boyfriend had, he was sad and tried talking to me several times, but i was completely shut down and didn't want to save things. I just wanted everything to end. I was a different person when i look back.

 

After the breakup, we still lived together. We thought maybe we could manage to be level headed and live separate lives outside of our apartment and the office. He was talking to other people while i continued speaking to the same guy. Having this separation between us made me look at him in a different light, a light that made me want him back. I felt like i was in love with him again. As soon as i felt that i was in love with him again, i ended it with this other guy.

 

More time went by as I felt my jealousy kick in when i saw him talking to other girls but I tried to mask it the best i could. Once i saw that he had an interest in one particular girl, i couldn't hold my jealousy back anymore and i told him i want everything back. He didn't like this idea, which was understandable because of what i had done to him. But in my eyes i felt we hit a large speed bump in our relationship which could be act as a wakeup call for both of us, and hopefully make things perfect again.

 

I went absolutely crazy and tried looking through his phone, facebook, and emails.. he felt completely disgusted towards me for all of that. I even messaged this girl he's talking to and asked her to back off and also said some other very nasty things to her. Obviously, none of this helped or made things better. He ended up going to see her in the states for 3 weeks while i stayed home going through the "grieving" process. I felt sick to my stomach knowing he was with another woman. I couldn't handle it, couldn't sleep and stayed home on the couch, monitoring when he was online. I would sometimes call him and beg him not to do anything with her. He declined making any type of promises and we stopped speaking for 2 weeks after a bad argument. Towards the end of his trip, i felt numb again. I thought maybe i was getting over things and moving on.

 

Until a few days before his trip was ending, he messaged me telling me he missed me and how he hopes i'll be at the airport to collect him because he wants to talk to me. When he got back, he told me he didn't do anything with this girl and that he wanted to work things out with me. I told him i would like that, but we should take things slow. A few days later, my interest kicked in. Did he really not sleep with this girl he had such a strong connection with? I checked his phone only to find out that he did sleep with her. We broke out into a huge fight and i cried myself to sleep next to him. It was horrible. Tee next morning i tried to go on like nothing happened because at the end of the day we weren't together when he slept with her and it was my fault that it happened.

 

For about 6 months we tried to work things out but throughout this duration he always brought up the past when he was drinking and how i "****ed some other guy". He would feel disgusted with me. It was a big emotional roller coster. He also didn't want to classify us as together (although we weren't allowed to talk to other people) until we were absolutely better, but we were far from it as we would fight almost every weekend and damage the relationship more and more.

 

Finally, we both went on separate trips. On his return, he messaged me saying he wants out of this relationship, i was devastated because i really wanted things to work. So here i am now, after 2 months trying to believe it's actually over. We still are living together. He has told me he doesn't have any feelings for me and that we are DONE. He wants me to move out and he wants us to move on. I am having a very hard time with this, once again. I am monitoring when he is talking to a girl, asking him who he's texting, interrogating him, and asking him why why why don't we fix it. He said he doesn't have any type of interest in me anymore and he just wants to be free. While he was on his trip he got to feel a sense of freedom from me and he wants that. How can he be completely over this? He said that i didn't JUST lose him but that i lost him a year ago when i admitted i slept with the other guy. So that's why it's so easy for him to end things.

 

It's so difficult to live together and go through something like this. Last night he went out with his friend and didn't come home. He said he doesn't want to come home because he doesn't want to be around me and my drama. I called him a few times asking who he was with and it pissed him off . He said i'm trying to control his life and that he feels completely trapped because of my behavior.

 

I don't know what to do at this point? I don't have anyone in this country, he was my best friend for the past 5 years and now i've lost him due to my unstable mind and actions. I just can't get my mind off of how i can fix things. I just want another chance to make things perfect again. I've thought about quitting my very well paid job and leaving the country to get the help and support of my family. But i know for a fact i'll never find such a good paying job with the same benefits, i've already tried looking. Also, moving back home with my mom and sister will be a very big blow to my morale. I hated the city they lived in before i left. If i move into another apartment, i'll have to sign for a year (thats how it works in this country) which i don't want to do because i feel i just need to be away from him in order to get over this (again, we work together).

 

At this point, i don't know what to do. I know staying here in this apartment will make things even worse because i cant control my feelings when i'm around him. I don't want to make him feel miserable and controlled, i know its ruining any type of future we COULD possibly have together. I am having the worse time trying to let go of him, I KNOW i will never find someone like him again.

 

Would anti depressants help me with my crazy outbreaks and anxiety? I don't know what to do. Just now, he came home and i cried, looking desperate as can be. He tried to comfort me then went to the bedroom and said he wish he never came home because he's sick of all of this drama.

 

Has anyone gone through something similar to this? Am i crazy, unstable, and emotionally dependent? I've probably revealed all of the most unattractive sides of me to him that would never make him want to rekindle things in the future. I don't know how to do anything except damage at this point.

 

Sorry for making this extremely long when maybe i could have somehow cut it short. I just wanted all of the details out there.

 

 

Looking for some type of support out there. Thanks again for taking the time for reading all of that.

!st things first,you need to get away from this person as fast as you can.You need to leave!You cant be around him because this will never stop as long as you'r around him.Its only going to make u crazier and more dependent.It might be tuf at 1st but trust me love i did some of those things being all clingy and pissing him off inreturn(ofcourse cause i was disturbing him while he used to talk to his new fling).Things will eventually get alott better once u start staying away from him.After that,see if its possible for you to move to another branch of the same company.

[KCCK]

I know it is hard, but you will have to accept the facts and realities... you did dump him first and from that moment on, trust was broken... even when you reconcile, both are in doubt of each other which makes the relationship tough... I hope you will stay strong and perhaps find another job/company.. He has already made his decision and perhaps you should as well.. i know it is hard but i am afraid you may go insane if you keep on dragging and believing that things will be back to normal.. things are never the same again, without trust, there is no more reason to continue... pls stay strong dear, you can do it...