kat1012 Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 My first boyfriend broke up with me 4 weeks ago. We were together for 8 months, I thought things were great. We only fought a bit 1 month before the break-up, and it seemed to be we were normal afterwards. Two weeks before the break up, he started getting distant, he cancelled a date which I thought it was just stress from his job-hunting. But he never asked me out again and only texted me when I texted him and avoided any texts that is related to "us". I finally called him up and he broke up with me saying "We are comfortable with each other but it doesn't mean this is going anywhere" I asked if he figured that out two weeks ago, he said he has been thinking for a few weeks, he originally planned to just let it fade out. and he also said I was obsessed with the relationship. He said I was obsessed, but we only saw each other 2-3 times a week and I never asked for more. I never bombed his phone, just texted him once to twice a day. I never stopped him from seeing his friends or going out drinking. I can' stop looking back at the relationship and look for the things that I may have done which triggered him to consider breaking up with me. For example 1 month ago, I brought up his phone playing problem when he has said he didn't want to talk about our problems. He never wanted to talk about our problems but that time it really bothered me and I was really upset. I told him "i feel like my effort is not being appreciated when I come all the way like an hour to see you and you play with his phone while we hang out." He got mad since I brought it up when he has said he didnt want to "talk" and had ruin his night, and he said he can do whatever he wants and I should not date. But things seemed to get back to normal quickly afterwards, like he initiated most of the texting and asked me out a few times in the following two weeks. During the later part of our relationship, we sometimes disagree with each other, but only during texting and it only limited to a few replies, most of the time I started them: I would react when he said something that bothered me or sent me drunk texts that's sorta like a booty call, he would call me a drama queen, or asked me to relax since he probably thinks it's no big deal. Sometimes he said something that would make me feel like I am not a perfect girlfriend because I didnt have time to hang out with him that day, or called me an alcoholic when he obviously drank much more, I would panic and fight back, and he called me a drama queen and said i shd relax I started feeling like because maybe I was too controlling and crazy or being a drama queen at times that triggered him to break up with me, and I can't stop the self-blame. He's my first boyfriend, and this is the first break-up and it's so hard to completely let go of what happened.
joe86 Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 It's normal to wonder if you could have done something different, but don't blame yourself unless you actually know you were to blame! If both people don't want things to work, or want the same thing then I don't think things will ever really work out. It sucks to be on the receiving end, but just be happy in yourself & the knowledge that one day you'll hopefully find someone that wants to work with you in a relationship. At least that's what I'm doing at the moment!
208ba Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 Please dont blame yourself if he was interested he would be with and please never change who you are because that is what makes you a special person and take it from older man if you try and change to pleae-se them :rolleyes: will not work
TrblinMN Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 kat1012, this sounds very similar to my exgf. Very manipulative!!!! It is not you. If you acted/were any different, he would've found another reason to complain. I am finding that these types of people are narcissistic in their behaviors and really only think of themselves they can do no wrong. They only are nice when they want to have a good time but when they realize they have to give themselves to someone else, they will shut done. It is tough to think it's not you, but stay focused and keep talking to people. That will help you realize that others have been through similar situations and you will find more clarity.
Author kat1012 Posted August 31, 2013 Author Posted August 31, 2013 kat1012, this sounds very similar to my exgf. Very manipulative!!!! It is not you. If you acted/were any different, he would've found another reason to complain. I am finding that these types of people are narcissistic in their behaviors and really only think of themselves they can do no wrong. They only are nice when they want to have a good time but when they realize they have to give themselves to someone else, they will shut done. It is tough to think it's not you, but stay focused and keep talking to people. That will help you realize that others have been through similar situations and you will find more clarity. Actually now I look back, I know I can get stressed really easily by what people say, especially if they are my parents or my boyfriend, because I want to be perfect in their eyes, but in the end make it worse. But this doesn't really happen with my friends. when my boyfriend texted me something like "you alcoholic" "loser" (no lol, or haha) or when I can't hang out with him sometimes during weekend because I need to be with my parents he said "Why do I date you" "I need two gf". He prob didn't mean it, but at that moment it made me feel like I am the bad person so I talked back or explained more or dragged on the situation, and of course made it worse since he would be saying "drama queen" or "you need to relax". It only limited to texts, not on phone or when face to face. And I know I read into things too much, which prob lead me to easily get stressed at what people say. He likes being sarcastic too, it's actually funny except when texting becoz it's hard to tell his emotion when saying those stuff, to me it sounds harsh and of coz I freak out again. And I easily get my expectations high esp if I have put effort into something. I know I need to work on these. He prob doesn't find me fun since I get stressed very easily. I care about what people think of me, esp those I want to impress. I guess if I loosen up more, I will be happier and less stressed. Actually when we were together, I sometimes don't know if he's the one I wanna marry. So I guess this is a very good opportunity to reflect on my personalities and also learn about relationships and communication, and be a better person.
Sugarkane Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 Been in a similar situation before. The dumper is far from perfect themselves and is quite the hypocrite. Doesn't sound Like you were being treated well. You deserve better!
hellischrome Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 Same here honey, not the first boyfriend but the first serious break up as a dumpee. You did good things and things that weren't so good, as all of us. Don't blame yourself, because you can't actually say that if you were different, things could have been different. Plus, it's good practise for our next relationship :-)
Sugarkane Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 I hate their passive aggressive things like this and gaslighting.
lop98 Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 It is normal, and it is normal to replay every scene in your head trying to figure out how much you messed it all up or what could've happened if you had acted differently. 8 months post BU, I'll tell you that self-blame goes away for the most part... sometimes you'll get flashbacks and question your behavior, but time also makes you realize that no matter how irrational you were, most of these reactions came out of how you truly felt and a specific situation... you can analyze them and still find them embarrassing or wish you could take it all back or do it differently (like I do, after all this time and in a another relationship now), but what's worked for me is allowing myself to feel that, but looking forward at all times... don't snowball... in my case, lack of communication and fear of commitment from both sides really took a toll in the relationship and this resulted in mind games and mind games resulted in anger and saying things that were rude, in distance and begging over and over... it all headed down a very painful and toxic direction, the kind that really screwed the relationship forever. It's pointless to feel frustration on specific memories... let's just say the portion you can take responsibility for is sometimes easy to spot and the more you confront it, the easier things may be for your next relationship... just try to learn from it, what's done is done and seriously, it's always two people in a relationship... when it reaches a stage where insults are involved, two sides are to blame, it's never just one. 1
Author kat1012 Posted September 2, 2013 Author Posted September 2, 2013 I hate their passive aggressive things like this and gaslighting. I never really thought of gaslighting until you suggested it, and found this article "10 signs your man is gaslighting you to make you seem crazy" And damn almost all happened on me lol
Sugarkane Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 I never really thought of gaslighting until you suggested it, and found this article "10 signs your man is gaslighting you to make you seem crazy" And damn almost all happened on me lol Yeah I find dumpers are willing to put all the blame on the dumpee. But the dumper is far from perfect themselves and rarely change.
keepontruckin Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 The dumpers usually HAVE to find blame, no matter whether they're serious or trivial incidents... My wife was listing out complaints from years ago like a cop would do when reading from his notepad, complete with times and dates:laugh: This alleviates their guilt somewhat, and allows them to move on easier. It justifies their actions to themselves, to their family, and to their friends...
keepontruckin Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 And the dumpees always blame themselves, because the dumper left, it just must be 100% our faults... How can we change? It takes two to make any relationship work... And in the end we are whom we are. So if that's not compatible, nothing can be done. I do agree, however, that some people leave marriages a little too quick. Too quick to jump to the next "great" thing. Rest assured, these people will continue jumping to the next for all of their lives...
keepontruckin Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 And we, the dumpee's, will eventually jump to the next "greatest" thing also... It just takes us a little longer...
Recommended Posts