What I didn't know going in...

[Coolit]

My impression is that you are still rationalizing your cheating and now you have added "it's in the past, why does R have to take so long". And you are going to get away with it scot-free. Your BH is terrified of upsetting his world any more that has already been done and will continue to give you a pass. In my opinion, it is a lead-pipe cinch that you are going to cheat again. Why not? If you don't get the sex or attention you desire than you are entitled to pursue it with another man, right?

 

I am not sure where I am "rationalizing" my A. I've repeated it many times and if people read everythin instead of junping to conclusions they would see that. You can accuse me of all sorts of things but you don't know. My whole story could be a lie! I could actually be a little balding man who is bored. I am not. I am a wife who chose of her own free will to have a PA with another man. And who will live the rest of her life regretting it.

 

Cheaters aren't all alike. And neither are betrayed spouse's.

 

This post was merely for me to state I didn't realize there was a statistical number on recovering from an A. I thought it was a lot more sinple than that. I thought you either got kicked to the curb or forgiven and given a second chance.

 

You are entitled to your very dark view of R. You don't support it unless there are children. Guess what? I only support it if the WS is remorseful and fully honest about what they did. And if the BS has the capacity to forgive (which i realize can take time to know).

 

I will not cheat on my husband again. Knowing that being unfaithful would hurt my husband first hand seeing it were two different things. And while knowing should be enough to stop someone, this time it didn't stop me. But seeing it... And seeing everything with a first hand experience... I'll not do that again.

 

I am a terrible person for what I did. Thankfully, my H is givin me a second chance.

[compulsivedancer]

SMH, fWSs join this board (generally speaking) because they are attempting reconciliation. We understand we have screwed up royally and should be in divorce court, but for the grace of our BSs. For many of us, this board is a place to get a little much-needed therapy and to try to understand what our BSs are going through and get help helping them through it, if it's possible.

 

So if you have something constructive to say, we would love to hear it. If all you can do is berate and attack straw men, your advice isn't particularly useful, and you should be posting in the "Rants" section. There are plenty of people on here who give us what for, but most of them at least try to look at what we are actually posting and what they actually think we are saying, rather than put words in our mouths and try to tell us what YOU think we're saying.

 

We are not your punching bags. Both Coolit and I are trying to address the problems in ourselves and our marriages. Being yelled at indiscriminately does not solve anything anywhere. So once again, say something constructive, or take it elsewhere.

[compulsivedancer]

I'm sorry, cd, sounds like you're in a rough patch.

 

I have it better then you. My feelings for OM were mostly based on just wanting more sex. When I was right in it i thought I was maybe getting more emptionaly involved... And I was a bit. But the main stuff was the dirty talk. When he lied to my face the last time I saw him, I felt all attraction slip away. When he blamed my behaviour on my husband I was completely disgusted.

 

The person I miss and shouldn't is his wife. It was hard for me to find a close friend and then I betrayed the one I did find. Of course, she wasn't a good friend to have what with knowingly inviting me into her marriage bed behind my H back. But I think she did it out of desperation to keep her H faithful.

 

So my feelings are not cut off from her. But I'm pretty sure I'm over him. We'll see if I run into him...

 

Thank you. Yesterday dredged up a lot of the old issues because there was a chance I was going to see him today. I didn't realize how present they still were.

 

Pretty much as soon as I arrived at the event and he wasn't there, all the worries and fears and feelings and sadness evaporated. Isn't it strange how these triggers work?

 

I think it's funny that there's so much vitriol on this thread, considering it's basically a post about how much affairs suck and how much you regret ever having one. Isn't it odd how this stuff gets turned around?

[manticore]

Hi Coolit

 

i read already all yout post, i have to agree with previous posts that you may have not ended the affair and probably cotinue having it for months or years (still a little confused in how many times you engaged but after reading many times in look tha this went for weeks) if not for tha fact that the OM ended it, i dont want to sound mean but it look more like you realized that you were played and then you run to your husband for comfort (i know that you mentioned a break to him but you actully did not do it until he forced things to end) .

 

why a said that, because as you said the fact that he fingered you when your H was there sounds really terrible, and you speak of it as that terrible but just realized after he dumped you, i know i am judging you a little but i dont try to be insulting just declaring what i see as facts.

 

i am telling all of this because i wonder if he had be more gentleman and his wife had agree for you to be his OW and not being bottered about it. have you not still be hanging with them happily just maybe with anxiety of being caugh by you husband (but many women handle it for years), then that lead me to think tha you dont hate the affair itself or the way you acted even when your husband was there sleeping, is more like you hate the people that with who you performed it and as you have no one else to go for comfort you had to confess in the end.

 

also another thing than bothers me a little, is that you knew he have had many affairs before, where they also married women, if yes what lead you to think that your affair will be somewhat different for the way the other finished i mean, th OM dumping the women as fast as he got bored and the BW hatting the woman who was with his man.

 

did you husband has clousure did he confronted the OM of the BW or he just act as if nothing happened with them, did he knew that he was a serial cheater and that you were hanging with him. were they real friend or just people who hand around?

 

i ask you and comment you all of this becuase is also important to give a full clousere for both of you considering all this details.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I will not cheat on my husband again. Knowing that being unfaithful would hurt my husband first hand seeing it were two different things. And while knowing should be enough to stop someone, this time it didn't stop me. But seeing it... And seeing everything with a first hand experience... I'll not do that again.

 

I am a terrible person for what I did. Thankfully, my H is givin me a second chance.

 

Obviously, I don't know your H but there might be more to it than that (not cheating again).

 

As a BS I'm mostly certain that my wife will not cheat on me again (I won't say "never"). But what I keep an eye for are the patterns of behavior that enabled (for lack of better word) my wife to have her affair. Is she communicating her grievances to me? Is she silently making deposits into the resentment bank? Is she withholding info on x,y, z? Is she lying about x, y, z? If I ask her what is bothering her, does she reply "nothing"? Is she honoring the boundaries that we established? Is she being emotionally honest with me?

 

Do you know why you cheated, and are you ready to take measures to improve upon your shortcomings and behavioral tendencies that led to your affair? Are you ready to be transparent about all of this with your BH?

[Coolit]

Since your husband was holding you while crying, then it seems he plans on giving you a 2nd chance. So you better take that chance and not F it up. And I applaud you for coming clean. He deserved to know the truth, and you realized that.(I hope)

 

Hateful is one thing. If one is hateful, then they probably aren't going to forgive you.

 

Cold, however, is probably to be expected more times than not, and I don't know what is worse, cheating on someone to begin with, or not understanding their reaction once they found out they have been betrayed.

 

So you are saying that if your husband needed time to come to terms with all of this, that you wouldn't give him the time he needed after what you did to him?

 

I was in a very, very dark place. A place where I knew the world was better of without people like me. And it is easy to say how selfish and self pity and whatever that is. But when you really feel you have f'd your life up beyond repair... So, and I think I may have dtated this earlier, by that paragraph I mean I don't think I would have been a strong enough person to take that behaviour 24/7.

 

I was prepared for anger when I confessed. And I still am ready tot ale any verbal lashing or cold shoulder I deserve. But some spouses go months with that behaviour. I really don't think i could have survived that. Maybe I could now, i don't know.

[manticore]

Since your husband was holding you while crying, then it seems he plans on giving you a 2nd chance. So you better take that chance and not F it up. And I applaud you for coming clean. He deserved to know the truth, and you realized that.(I hope)

 

Hateful is one thing. If one is hateful, then they probably aren't going to forgive you.

 

Cold, however, is probably to be expected more times than not, and I don't know what is worse, cheating on someone to begin with, or not understanding their reaction once they found out they have been betrayed.

 

So you are saying that if your husband needed time to come to terms with all of this, that you wouldn't give him the time he needed after what you did to him?

 

Vellocet that is why i am telling her that her husband maybe is still in the FOG (said in other post) and not realized the full weigh of evertyhing because right now he want to help her, there was no rage, the was no kick out, the was no condition of his part,there is no retaliation with hurtfull words, there was no confrontation with the other parts, there is no controlling his actions issues,it seems that he already trust her completely, he even want to hang out with the other couple, the affair was just like 2 months ago it seems so unrealistic taking in consideration all the process of R.

 

i know that not all are the same but all have some similar characteristics as the pain of bS is deep.

[Coolit]

Obviously, I don't know your H but there might be more to it than that (not cheating again).

 

As a BS I'm mostly certain that my wife will not cheat on me again (I won't say "never"). But what I keep an eye for are the patterns of behavior that enabled (for lack of better word) my wife to have her affair. Is she communicating her grievances to me? Is she silently making deposits into the resentment bank? Is she withholding info on x,y, z? Is she lying about x, y, z? If I ask her what is bothering her, does she reply "nothing"? Is she honoring the boundaries that we established? Is she being emotionally honest with me?

 

Do you know why you cheated, and are you ready to take measures to improve upon your shortcomings and behavioral tendencies that led to your affair? Are you ready to be transparent about all of this with your BH?

 

I cheated because i chose to. It really isn't that complicated. Thankfully my H doesn't require a more in depth answer because there really isn't one. I am not a flirt, I don't make friends with guys, I don't keep secrets from my H. We do most everything together. Anything I have done and do without him is usually a healthy outdoor activity with my mother and girlfriends.

 

I've never enjoyed love stories that involve cheating. Even when the couples are separated it makes me cringe. When my BFF and I used to talk about cheating (her sister cheats on every guy she dates...) we talked about how we couldn't imagine justifying it to yourself. And all that body fluid sharing is just gross! I never looked down on people who did cheat I just didn't understand how they could do it.

 

And then I chose to.

[Coolit]

Hi Coolit

 

i read already all yout post, i have to agree with previous posts that you may have not ended the affair and probably cotinue having it for months or years (still a little confused in how many times you engaged but after reading many times in look tha this went for weeks) if not for tha fact that the OM ended it, i dont want to sound mean but it look more like you realized that you were played and then you run to your husband for comfort (i know that you mentioned a break to him but you actully did not do it until he forced things to end) .

My behaviour in the weeks following our "camping fun" was that of a crazy person. xMM was still encouraging me to send photos and dirty chat. I was slipping the pills because the whole thing was making me crazy. I felt agitated. I told xMM I was feeling the need to tell my H and he begged me not to. I actually think he ended it not just because he was done but because I was becoming to much of a liability. And then when he got a new toy he really didn't even need to pretend to be friends and keep me on the back burner. Meanwhile I was trying really hard to muster the courage to just blurt it out to my H. Had been from even before but I just couldn't do it.

 

why a said that, because as you said the fact that he fingered you when your H was there sounds really terrible, and you speak of it as that terrible but just realized after he dumped you, i know i am judging you a little but i dont try to be insulting just declaring what i see as facts.

I realized how terrible it was the whole time. But saying it out loud was even worse. It was like telling the doctor I cheated and needed to be tested for stds. I had already told my H but it was still humiliating. Probably didn't help that my husband sees the doctor regular and the doctor also goes to my MIL's church.

 

i am telling all of this because i wonder if he had be more gentleman and his wife had agree for you to be his OW and not being bottered about it. have you not still be hanging with them happily just maybe with anxiety of being caugh by you husband (but many women handle it for years), then that lead me to think tha you dont hate the affair itself or the way you acted even when your husband was there sleeping, is more like you hate the people that with who you performed it and as you have no one else to go for comfort you had to confess in the end.

 

The anxiety had nothing to do with being caught. it had to do with sharing special moments with my H while stabbing him in the back. Looking him in the eyes and knowing I didn't deserve him. I also was anxious because I wanted my drug. The ego boost my AP gave me. And I knew I was getting way to attached to it. I don't think I could have handled an affair for years. The week before xMM ended it I almost killed myself.

 

also another thing than bothers me a little, is that you knew he have had many affairs before, where they also married women, if yes what lead you to think that your affair will be somewhat different for the way the other finished i mean, th OM dumping the women as fast as he got bored and the BW hatting the woman who was with his man.

First, I found out about his affairs after we had started sexting. His W told me. None of them were married and she didn't seem to hate any of the women just pity them. He told me that he was "trying something new". I think he meant having an affair with another married person. But I honestly don't know if that is true or not. I thought our A would be different as I wasn't planning to run away with him. I didn't want to leave my H. Now of course I wonder how many of these women really did want more or if that was just how his W wants to see it. Doesn't matter. I think I said somewhere. I wanted to get him out of my system. I knew it wasn't a forever thing.

 

did you husband has clousure did he confronted the OM of the BW or he just act as if nothing happened with them, did he knew that he was a serial cheater and that you were hanging with him. were they real friend or just people who hand around?

 

He tried to give them "you're dead to me" act but they didn't catch on. He is thinking of something more pointed. I didn't tell H about xMM's past behaviour because I didn't want to make him suspicious. H has known OW/BW for years. We were couple friends. I became close to OW/BW. My husband hung out with xMM a bit.

i ask you and comment you all of this because is also important to give a full clousere for both of you considering all this details.

 

My H doesn't want to chum up with the couple. He just wants us to be able to be at the same events without risk of a scene.

[Coolit]

Vellocet that is why i am telling her that her husband maybe is still in the FOG (said in other post) and not realized the full weigh of evertyhing because right now he want to help her, there was no rage, the was no kick out, the was no condition of his part,there is no retaliation with hurtfull words, there was no confrontation with the other parts, there is no controlling his actions issues,it seems that he already trust her completely, he even want to hang out with the other couple, the affair was just like 2 months ago it seems so unrealistic taking in consideration all the process of R.

 

i know that not all are the same but all have some similar characteristics as the pain of bS is deep.

 

H doesn't want to "hang out" with the other couple. He wants us to sign a cease fire in a manner of speaking.

 

H didn't have sex with me right away. As far as trusting, He told me after I confessed that if I cheat again we are over. And that he wasn't going to check up on me. That being said, he is the one that manages everything so, if he needs to check the cell phone bill to verify I haven't been in contact with OM he can do so. I don't know if he has or not.

 

I'm either at home with the kids while my father builds our house or I am with my H. There really hasn't been a circumstance where trust has been tested so I don't know if he fully trusts me again.

[manticore]

H doesn't want to "hang out" with the other couple. He wants us to sign a cease fire in a manner of speaking.

 

H didn't have sex with me right away. As far as trusting, He told me after I confessed that if I cheat again we are over. And that he wasn't going to check up on me. That being said, he is the one that manages everything so, if he needs to check the cell phone bill to verify I haven't been in contact with OM he can do so. I don't know if he has or not.

 

I'm either at home with the kids while my father builds our house or I am with my H. There really hasn't been a circumstance where trust has been tested so I don't know if he fully trusts me again.

 

i have seen your post and the pain from the repent you show seems very real and i am sure that you are doing everything by the book to improve things, i am focusing in your husband behavior, if you check cases like yours or even less harming like just ONS that WS dont even remember and dont know the guy and cofessing and the next day, the reactions are similar anger (kick her out, make her beg, move out), feeling that the cheating spouse must suffer also (insulting, more begging, shame her telling other people), confrotation (seeking all the true, there was other before?, ask directly the OM the true as the BW, nedding space (think and process all, think about divorce o forgivness), conditions (consouling, open book, passwords), long period with ot intimacy (can touch wirhout think in the other guy, why you did this tome i loved you, i can kiss not even for good morning or good by where whre your lips), finally acceptance and R. all this in most cases take years.

 

but he did not experienced almost nothing of this, (i know he was devastated you told us but still healing was pretty quick) as you said you are offering all the conditions on your own so i know he does not have to worry, but how does he know? is like the trust is rebuild already, in which case I happy for you but seems a little of.

 

the cases that dont experience this are like compulsivedance husband in which the priority of the BS is to recuperate her spouse because this one is still attached and the OM/OW and they havent even thinked if they wanted them back like a pride thing, and later may found that is not going to work or yes they have still hope.

 

also like Zenstudent, lady designer, drifter777 or notbroken, which remain me yours where BS did not lay down consequences, BS did not kicket out the WS or moved on for a little time at least to think things, and accepted their WS almost inmediatly. And now years later they feel that their partners took them for granted. notbroken after years divorced, drifter piled the anger for years exploted and live unhappy marriage, zenstudents say there are days that he wanst the divorce after 3 years of the dday, all of this even when they respective WS never cheated again.

 

of course all of this could be just my delusions (hope so)

[road]

 

My H doesn't want to chum up with the couple. He just wants us to be able to be at the same events without risk of a scene.

 

 

You and your BH have to learn why NC is important.

[manticore]

bye the way in other topic i saw that he you said he was encouraging you to send photos, i gues was refering sexy or naked photos, and i hope you did not send any.

 

douches like this tend to brag in bars to male friends to have nailed x´wife and take the phone out and show the pictures.

 

if for any reason you did it, i strongly advice you to seek a way to force him to dalate them, now that you are not in relationship with the couple (no affair, no friends) if he have them he will not have retrictions to brag about it with people that you husband know, this can humilite your husband in irreparable way and drive him from his selfrespect and honor to seek divorce.

 

unfortunatly if he is like you suspect that he just look the next pray they enjoy the power to have possesed another person wife/girfriend and brag with other males as symbol of domination over that person.

 

if necessary look legal advice from difamation or something else.

 

and if he have them please dont think that he will be at least honorable and will not do what i am telling you, i can not tell how many of this kind of photos i have seen from my friends cell phones while drinking in bars or parties of their exgf or conquest. men do it and is more common that you may realize.

[Coolit]

i have seen your post and the pain from the repent you show seems very real and i am sure that you are doing everything by the book to improve things, i am focusing in your husband behavior, if you check cases like yours or even less harming like just ONS that WS dont even remember and dont know the guy and cofessing and the next day, the reactions are similar anger (kick her out, make her beg, move out), feeling that the cheating spouse must suffer also (insulting, more begging, shame her telling other people), confrotation (seeking all the true, there was other before?, ask directly the OM the true as the BW, nedding space (think and process all, think about divorce o forgivness), conditions (consouling, open book, passwords), long period with ot intimacy (can touch wirhout think in the other guy, why you did this tome i loved you, i can kiss not even for good morning or good by where whre your lips), finally acceptance and R. all this in most cases take years.

 

but he did not experienced almost nothing of this, (i know he was devastated you told us but still healing was pretty quick) as you said you are offering all the conditions on your own so i know he does not have to worry, but how does he know? is like the trust is rebuild already, in which case I happy for you but seems a little of.

 

the cases that dont experience this are like compulsivedance husband in which the priority of the BS is to recuperate her spouse because this one is still attached and the OM/OW and they havent even thinked if they wanted them back like a pride thing, and later may found that is not going to work or yes they have still hope.

 

also like Zenstudent, lady designer, drifter777 or notbroken, which remain me yours where BS did not lay down consequences, BS did not kicket out the WS or moved on for a little time at least to think things, and accepted their WS almost inmediatly. And now years later they feel that their partners took them for granted. notbroken after years divorced, drifter piled the anger for years exploted and live unhappy marriage, zenstudents say there are days that he wanst the divorce after 3 years of the dday, all of this even when they respective WS never cheated again.

 

of course all of this could be just my delusions (hope so)

 

I've thought of this. But my hope is that my H is not that type of person to surpress or stew. That he is really just a forgiving person. He told me that if I had been usin the A as an excuse to get out it would have been a lot harder on him. I also hope that my voluntary confession and disclosure of everything has helped as well. As well as my seeking therapy for the depression and suicidal thoughts and my lack of blaming anyone but myself.

 

H was cheated on by his first girlfriend. The guy was his friend. H told me the part that bothered him the most was the conplete disregard for his feelings. They made the whole thing not a big deal. But H says he wasted a lot of years holding a grudge. It made future relationships difficult and it turned him into a but of a player. In retrospect he says just letting go and moving on would have been better for him.

 

I don't know if that is the approach he is taking here. And yes, i am prepared for a lot more crap to come but I have a few things going for us. No more surprises will pop out (a second dday) and I know I love him and hate the person I was during my A.

[Coolit]

You and your BH have to learn why NC is important.

 

My H is going to have to learn this on his own.

[Coolit]

bye the way in other topic i saw that he you said he was encouraging you to send photos, i gues was refering sexy or naked photos, and i hope you did not send any.

 

douches like this tend to brag in bars to male friends to have nailed x´wife and take the phone out and show the pictures.

 

if for any reason you did it, i strongly advice you to seek a way to force him to dalate them, now that you are not in relationship with the couple (no affair, no friends) if he have them he will not have retrictions to brag about it with people that you husband know, this can humilite your husband in irreparable way and drive him from his selfrespect and honor to seek divorce.

 

unfortunatly if he is like you suspect that he just look the next pray they enjoy the power to have possesed another person wife/girfriend and brag with other males as symbol of domination over that person.

 

if necessary look legal advice from difamation or something else.

 

and if he have them please dont think that he will be at least honorable and will not do what i am telling you, i can not tell how many of this kind of photos i have seen from my friends cell phones while drinking in bars or parties of their exgf or conquest. men do it and is more common that you may realize.

 

The photos are something I try not to think about. I always harrassed him to delete as it took me a long time to send any. He assured me he did and as is W super monitered him I thought he would've. And then he told me he kept some and I was half pleased an half peeved. He had a secret spot on his phone that his W didn't know about. I believe he put it on specifically to keep the photos. (i actually know this is probably true because of a convo between him and my H). When my H talked to his BF he was told that xMM probably still had the photos. So we decided to just let it go. And if they leak out it is another consequence of my A... Thankfully Only one photo had my face in it.

[shakenandstirred]

Thankfully Only one photo had my face in it.

 

One is all it takes. I would bet it is one of the ones he kept for a trophy.

 

Your face on an explicit photo in his secret bragging rights collection.

May not matter now...until they show up on some site and a relative or children (don't know if you have kids) see them.

 

The bad choices we make can haunt us for generations, especially with visible proof.

[Coolit]

The picture with my face is not explicit. It could be a fb profile pic. Not one I'd choose but i've seen plenty like it.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Thankfully my H doesn't require a more in depth answer because there really isn't one.

 

From what I've read about your husband everything points to two possible scenarios: (1) he's still in the denial stage. If this is the case, then he will enter the anger stage soon. When that happens the dynamics change drastically. (2) He has an emotionally repressive personality.

 

I cheated because i chose to. It really isn't that complicated.

 

And then I chose to.

 

I agree that you cheated because you wanted to. I've even said the same thing on this board. How did you go from being a non-cheater to a cheater? Did you wake up one day and decide today is the day that I'm going to join an adulterous threesome?

 

Others might vouch the pattern for me, but the first few months post d-day I was in a really weird mental place. It took awhile for the reality of the affair/marriage to sink in. In the first few months I had the mindset of "I forgive her", "I don't need the details", "Her affair was just a blip", "Divorce is not an option", etc. That is what the Denial stage looks like for a BS.

 

Also, the first year the BS will migrate all over the map on how they view the affair. Just because he feels one way now, doesn't mean it is constant.

 

This is what you didn't know going in: the first year is very volatile for the BS.

[Coolit]

 

I agree that you cheated because you wanted to. I've even said the same thing on this board. How did you go from being a non-cheater to a cheater? Did you wake up one day and decide today is the day that I'm going to join an adulterous threesome?

 

I was depressed. Untreated. That possibly made me more vunerable to making such a poor decision. I certainly did not have to cheat but to see what was different/wrong in me at that time helps me.

 

The threesome is irrelevent. I wanted to have sex with xMM. All the dirty talk and flirting made me want it bad. And the fmf looked like my chance to do that. It didn't happen over night. It was little steps out into the ocean. I knew I was headed in the wrong decision and a drop off but I just kept going because it felt good.

[aliveagain]

Little steps that were all intentional, what did you think would happen? You got what you started, their lives haven't changed much, yours sure has. This is the lie that Hollywood glamorizes. People that boast about infidelity must have other really big problems, how do you continue an affair and not have it affect you, something must change?

[Zenstudent]

I've thought of this. But my hope is that my H is not that type of person to surpress or stew. That he is really just a forgiving person. He told me that if I had been usin the A as an excuse to get out it would have been a lot harder on him. I also hope that my voluntary confession and disclosure of everything has helped as well. As well as my seeking therapy for the depression and suicidal thoughts and my lack of blaming anyone but myself.

 

H was cheated on by his first girlfriend. The guy was his friend. H told me the part that bothered him the most was the conplete disregard for his feelings. They made the whole thing not a big deal. But H says he wasted a lot of years holding a grudge. It made future relationships difficult and it turned him into a but of a player. In retrospect he says just letting go and moving on would have been better for him.

 

I don't know if that is the approach he is taking here. And yes, i am prepared for a lot more crap to come but I have a few things going for us. No more surprises will pop out (a second dday) and I know I love him and hate the person I was during my A.

Coolit; I was referenced in the post you responded to in the above, so I thought I would ad my comments.

 

It's true that I still consider if it's worth the pain, struggle and doubts today, 2½ years post our D-day. First; a few months is nothing in the healing process after infidelity. But we're all different, and your husband of course has his own timeline, but if I were you, I would expect something to pop up down the line - anger, resentment, depression or something else.

 

It's not that I'm not a forgiving person, i actually forgave my wife a few months ago after a lot of considerations and carefully paying attention to my gut and heart. However, forgiving her doesn't mean that I feel safe with her, trust her motives, trust that she has learned from her experiences in a way that prevents future infidelity. And that's why I still have days when I doubt my decission - I don't trust my self and my own judgement anymore - it went out the window on D-day.

Having said that, I still love my wife, otherwise I would obviously not stay with her, now that I finally actually believe that I can live without her (severe one-itis was part of my past baggage).

 

The difference between my wife and you is that you reflect on you experiences, choices, actions - try to learn from it. We can see that, I commend you for that - does your husband see it as well? If he does, he is better off than many BS I've read about, myself included. You just continue your work on yourself, it'll be worth it whatever the outcome may be - and I for one, enjoy reading your posts.

 

On a side note; I would rather eat a poisoned mushroom that I've witnessed being de-toxyfied, than take my chances with one where I have to flip a coin to decide if it's toxic or not.

[Oberfeldwebel]

Congratulations on doing the right thing and confessing, that is a big step. I hope that you two will consider counseling to resolve any underlying issues. It is always ironic when you get to the end of this that the answers seem so obvious and the affair much more about fantasy than reality. Sex, as you know is 80% between your ears and 20 between your legs, so the fantasy makes the sex better than it really is in reality. Many on here will hurl stones at you for your actions (so be it), I thank you for having the courage to share your story. I hope that it will help others to muster the courage to do the same.