What I didn't know going in...

[Coolit]

So, i though when I had my A it was gonna stay super secret. My H trusted me. I kept my behaviour normal. I read up all I could on the warning signs to look for... And made sure NOT to do them. Of course I thought about if I was caught... My entire reasoning was based on never getting caught though. My plan was to experience sex with this man I had amazing sexual chemistry with until one of us got bored. Keep the guilt at bay. And when one of us ended it, carry on like nothing happened, keep surpressing the guilt and never ever tell.

 

What I didn't realize is, I can't have sex and not get feelings. Not "run away and be happy together" feelings but attatchment of some sort. I also didn't know I couldn't be one of those conscience free people. You'd think the anti-anxiety pills I was slipping would have woke me up to the bad place I was in... But I was in it and couldn't see out.

 

So, I came back go this site and started reading. And really saw that if I wanted to have a good marriage I needed to fess up. Took a while to get the courage. Everytime I looked into my Husband's ridiculously gorgeous eyes I would stop. And hate myself even more. I was afraid of losing him but I knew I couldn't keep him under fale pretense. For the rest of our married lives I would have a secret from him. I have never had a secret from him in my life. I told him at last. Everything. He didn't want details but I told him each time and so forth. After confessing and crying and him holding me I saw on the floor flowers he had brought me home and at that moment I hated myself more than I ever had.

 

On thing I didn't know. And had i "researched" it a little more was that R is supposed to take so long. I am not a patient person. I thought that your spouse either kicks you out and you spend the rest of your life regretting what you gave up for an O or they forgive you and you move on (of course I realized that trust had to be rebuilt but I honestly didn't fathom the full extent of R)

 

I don't know if I could do this if my H was hateful or cold towards me. Kudos to those who can!

[bobwhite007]

I think it's good that you told. Mine won't.

[BetrayedH]

CoolIt, you found the courage to do the one thing that gave you a path out of this mess. I can't imagine how difficult that must have been. But you did it. Nothing else would have worked.

 

You are right that you would have had a sham of a marriage. Frankly, I doubt it would have been satisfying to you for long. In fact, it wasn't.

 

Be proud of your decision to come clean. And be happy and grateful for the chance to renew your marriage.

[dichotomy]

 

I don't know if I could do this if my H was hateful or cold towards me. Kudos to those who can!

 

 

Good on you for telling him. Really - thats a huge first step! Also good for your willingness to provide any information (he may ask more later) But why this last statement? Could you explain why you could not handle him being hateful or cold - certainly would be typical/normal response to have towards a cheating spouse. What if later he does get angry or hateful or cold at times over this?

 

Also I wonder how your husband will get over the "amazing sex" reason for OM. Men tend to have issues with this as much or more than emotional connections with OM's. How does he overcome the other guy was amazing? How do you?

Edited August 31, 2013 by dichotomy

[road]

So, i though when I had my A it was gonna stay super secret. My H trusted me. I kept my behaviour normal. I read up all I could on the warning signs to look for... And made sure NOT to do them. Of course I thought about if I was caught... My entire reasoning was based on never getting caught though. My plan was to experience sex with this man I had amazing sexual chemistry with until one of us got bored. Keep the guilt at bay. And when one of us ended it, carry on like nothing happened, keep surpressing the guilt and never ever tell.

 

What I didn't realize is, I can't have sex and not get feelings. Not "run away and be happy together" feelings but attatchment of some sort. I also didn't know I couldn't be one of those conscience free people. You'd think the anti-anxiety pills I was slipping would have woke me up to the bad place I was in... But I was in it and couldn't see out.

 

So, I came back go this site and started reading. And really saw that if I wanted to have a good marriage I needed to fess up. Took a while to get the courage. Everytime I looked into my Husband's ridiculously gorgeous eyes I would stop. And hate myself even more. I was afraid of losing him but I knew I couldn't keep him under fale pretense. For the rest of our married lives I would have a secret from him. I have never had a secret from him in my life. I told him at last. Everything. He didn't want details but I told him each time and so forth. After confessing and crying and him holding me I saw on the floor flowers he had brought me home and at that moment I hated myself more than I ever had.

 

On thing I didn't know. And had i "researched" it a little more was that R is supposed to take so long. I am not a patient person. I thought that your spouse either kicks you out and you spend the rest of your life regretting what you gave up for an O or they forgive you and you move on (of course I realized that trust had to be rebuilt but I honestly didn't fathom the full extent of R)

 

I don't know if I could do this if my H was hateful or cold towards me. Kudos to those who can!

 

 

WW's she read this before they have their affair. Though it should stop some it will still not stop all.

[2sure]

Now you both have a lot of work to do, not just to get past the affair, but to repair the marriage , and build it .

 

Please don't NOT do the work or you won't repair. Suppressing at this point , is the opposite of what you need to do. Easier, not better.

[aliveagain]

Telling him without being discovered first will go a long way towards rebuilding trust and his decision to stay in the relationship. My ex never once admitted her infidelity even after having Other Man's child, how f**ked up is that? They never believe they will be found out yet they trust the biggest life changing secret they will ever have to someone who will cheat on their wife or husband and is using them for nothing but sex. How did it feel knowing that the only way out of this mess was potentially going to destroy two families? How do you feel about the shame you brought onto your husband, your immediate family(assuming your parents, brothers and sisters know), and if you didn't tell your siblings, how do you feel when you attend a family function with your husband? The best kept secret that most wayward wives don't consider before they start their affair is most married affair partners will never leave their spouse, the financial cost of divorce is too devastating to them.

 

The hardest thing for me to understand is how do you go from being each others protector against the world to the back stabber, liar that spreads her legs and has unprotected sex with other men? How do you become that person and still believe in a future together, that if undiscovered you can continue to go through life with him and pursue the same goals like nothing happened? The flowers on the floor were hard to read, tells me that you have a very caring and loving husband that still thought of you as his one against the world.

[Coolit]

Good on you for telling him. Really - thats a huge first step! Also good for your willingness to provide any information (he may ask more later) But why this last statement? Could you explain why you could not handle him being hateful or cold - certainly would be typical/normal response to have towards a cheating spouse. What if later he does get angry or hateful or cold at times over this?

 

Oh I get it at times. I mean all the time. I probably would have shut down completely. I was such an emotional mess. I would have thought if there was never a glimmer of love that I had killed it for good. I'd have seperated and probably spent many years hoping he'd forgive me. But I don't know if I woul have been strong enough to handle it daily.

Also I wonder how your husband will get over the "amazing sex" reason for OM. Men tend to have issues with this as much or more than emotional connections with OM's. How does he overcome the other guy was amazing? How do you?

 

I should have put the "amazing sexual chemistry" in quotes. It was supposed to be sarcastic but I was tired when I wrote this. It was lust and based on forbidden fruit and animal instinct. I was and still am very attracted to my husband.

[road]

I should have put the "amazing sexual chemistry" in quotes. It was supposed to be sarcastic but I was tired when I wrote this. It was lust and based on forbidden fruit and animal instinct. I was and still am very attracted to my husband.

 

 

Quotes?

What quotes?

Don't need no stinkin' quotes!

 

Your statement was not sarcastic it was the truth. Leaving out the TMI remarks to point out how hot you were for the OM the truth was you were HOT for the OM.

 

Last night I saw a movie on TV. I had the hot's for the actress. I have the hot's for my wife. We all have the hot's for more then one person.

 

You just gave into your desire for the OM.

[Coolit]

Telling him without being discovered first will go a long way towards rebuilding trust and his decision to stay in the relationship. My ex never once admitted her infidelity even after having Other Man's child, how f**ked up is that?

i get that ceaters deny, deny, deny. But it takes a "special" person to lie when faced wirh unarguable evidence. I don't think I'd have cheated if pregnancy had been a possibility. Not sayin it makes it better but I know someone who raised their Spouse's love child and he is one messed up kid. In the middle of the family too.

They never believe they will be found out yet they trust the biggest life changing secret they will ever have to someone who will cheat on their wife or husband and is using them for nothing but sex.

How did it feel knowing that the only way out of this mess was potentially going to destroy two families?

 

I was terrified and almost didn't confess because I thought it would be a deal breaker. H had been my one and only everything, even kissing. We also own a large acreage with my parents. But I honestly pnly thought about losing him and my kids growing up in a broken home. I wasn't concerned about xMM because his W was in on part of it. And he had cheated on her repeatedly and she always stayed

How do you feel about the shame you brought onto your husband,

 

According to him he feels no shame. He didn't do anything wrong. The shame is my burden to bare.

 

your immediate family(assuming your parents, brothers and sisters know), and if you didn't tell your siblings, how do you feel when you attend a family function with your husband?

 

Family doesn't know and I actually feel better when he is with me. I always feel better when he is with me for anything. That was true beforey affair and now again after. But at first I just wanted to stay home and away from people. Now I focus on what we are doing and ignore the dark thoughts (this is while at family functions

The best kept secret that most wayward wives don't consider before they start their affair is most married affair partners will never leave their spouse, the financial cost of divorce is too devastating to them.

 

This one doesn't apply to me because I didn't want him to leave. The guy sat at home and played computer games... He was hardly a catch. And he will never leave his W. He liked to remind me of that all the time like I wanted him to leave and it annoyed me because I didn't and felt that he didn't get I felt the same way.

 

The hardest thing for me to understand is how do you go from being each others protector against the world to the back stabber, liar that spreads her legs and has unprotected sex with other men?

For me it all started with words, then him subtly touching me, then drinking enough booze (on purpose) to lose inhibitions and do it. His W told me after his last A she had them extensivly tested so I trusted her. I realized I shouldn't but i have a severe latex allergy and knew they wouldn't have te right condoms (if any). Very poor justifications but that was my reasoning at the time.

 

How do you become that person and still believe in a future together, that if undiscovered you can continue to go through life with him and pursue the same goals like nothing happened?

 

I couldn't. I thought that others did so I should. But I was raised better than that. And I didn't really believe sex is just sex. And so I confessed

The flowers on the floor were hard to read, tells me that you have a very caring and loving husband that still thought of you as his one against the world.

 

You think that was hard to read? It broke me. My H brought me home flowers to give to me because he loved me only to find out I was a cheating whore. He still gave me the flowers. And for days I would see them and cry.

[Coolit]

Quotes?

What quotes?

Don't need no stinkin' quotes!

 

Your statement was not sarcastic it was the truth. Leaving out the TMI remarks to point out how hot you were for the OM the truth was you were HOT for the OM.

 

Last night I saw a movie on TV. I had the hot's for the actress. I have the hot's for my wife. We all have the hot's for more then one person.

 

You just gave into your desire for the OM.

 

 

It was sarcastic in the sense that it was a pathetic reason to throw everything I had away to be a cake eater. Of course I had the hots for him. But sometimes, during, I'd ask myself "why"

 

Then we had sex and it was really good sex. And it shoul have been good. xMM has a lot of experience and it had a lot of built up tension in it. And I was drunk. And it was no worth what I am going through now. Even if i had been single and just an OW... It wouldn't have been worth it. Being a lier and betraying people is a stupid price to pay for some fun in the sack.

[road]

It was sarcastic in the sense that it was a pathetic reason to throw everything I had away to be a cake eater. Of course I had the hots for him. But sometimes, during, I'd ask myself "why"

 

Then we had sex and it was really good sex. And it shoul have been good. xMM has a lot of experience and it had a lot of built up tension in it. And I was drunk. And it was no worth what I am going through now. Even if i had been single and just an OW... It wouldn't have been worth it. Being a lier and betraying people is a stupid price to pay for some fun in the sack.

 

 

An example of the WW coming out of the fog. You were normal to enjoy the great sex. Then realize now that the sex with the OM was not worth the price you paid.

 

Does not change the sex you had just the value you placed on it.

[motoducati]

CoolIt:

 

Now that you've told BH about the amazing best sex of your life with OM, how do you feel during the mediocre sex with BH?

 

Do you think you'll ever again convince BH, or yourself, that BH is your preferred lover?

[ComingInHot]

Coolit, Thank You!!

Thank You for realizing you needed to End your A and You give your H the truth!

Thank You or coming to the realization just how devestating and heart wrenching Your A was to your H!

Thank You for for acknowledging how Unhealthy A's are whether single AP or MAP!

Thank You for Making a Decision! (So often the WS just coasts through A & M life stringing along both the H & AP)

Thank You for Not running away from True R w/Your H!

Thank You for doing and continuing to do what is Needed for your H, Your M and Yourself for the next Three to five years!

 

And lastly, Thank You for being brave enough and coming here to LS and sharing what you've learned and how immencely grateful you are to Your H for His giving you a second chance!!

 

I ask but one thing, please Consider what others here have written. You KNOW as well as "most" of us that for Everything, there are consequences.

Your H does Not trust you for however long it takes..

Your H Loves you but you have Betrayed Him.

There may be times when He cannot give you what you want/need during R. (This is where You Need to do the heavy lifting.

He may well have moments of anger with You for what You did to him, the M and w/the exOM.

 

If the M is truly what you want, the above are just some of the possible consequences. Take them as they come. You've earned it.

But you are nobody's life long punching bag. So if you feel it's time for him to let your A and what it did to him "go" but after three to five years he is more and more angry, then seek MC or decide to take a different path. Please don't think Six months or a year or even Two years is "long enough". That's up to Your H, then you, and mediation if needed*

 

Blessings on you and God speed your R*

CIH

[road]

CoolIt:

 

Now that you've told BH about the amazing best sex of your life with OM, how do you feel during the mediocre sex with BH?

 

Do you think you'll ever again convince BH, or yourself, that BH is your preferred lover?

 

 

I did not read where coolit said the sex was less with her BH.

[Coolit]

I did not read where coolit said the sex was less with her BH.

 

I think he was reffering to the only other post he commented on where I rated sex with my husband just prior to and during my A at only a 2. That answer is in a totally dif. Context. H and I had sex 5 times in one years time. And it was usually over in 5 min and hurt me like hell. It had no bearing on my A so I rarely bring it up. The sex was getting better before my A ended and now it is fantastic again like pre-kids.

[aliveagain]

Is it possible that by spending more time focused on your relationship with your husband and not giving his time to another man your feelings of intimacy are making a difference to the sex your having? When your focused on someone outside of your marriage, husbands tend to become more of an inconvenience, we betrayed men can feel the difference.

[Coolit]

Is it possible that by spending more time focused on your relationship with your husband and not giving his time to another man your feelings of intimacy are making a difference to the sex your having? When your focused on someone outside of your marriage, husbands tend to become more of an inconvenience, we betrayed men can feel the difference.

 

I think being honest with my husband about the sex helped. I told him I wanted more but I didn't tell him what I did get hurt and left me unsatisfied. I also thought sex hurt as it had always hurt for me. While my A was not helpful to our marriage. Our sex life had been a building problem after the birth of our first child. I gained weight. H got tired. After the birth of my second son I got tired of initiating and thus began almost no sex. But, I adjusted to it. And going in to my A told myself that my married sex life had nothing to do with my decision to cheat.

[2sure]

I admire you for having the strength to say the words. It's a huge deal, and you did it. No matter what , you have that. You're strong enough for this.

[compulsivedancer]

Like you, it was supposed to be about sex. Now I cry sometimes for no reason because I miss OM. Gd-it, I was never even supposed to have feelings about him.

 

And because of him, now that I'm finally able and willing to commit and be the wife H always wanted and deserved, I've got this f-ing intrusion in my brain. Bad dreams, sad moments, days when my wants and wishes just don't line up with what I think I REALLY want.

 

Space between me and H. Should've been obvious, I know, but it wasn't. Didn't know R was such a process. I thought you D or you decide to stay together. You have some talks, get straightened out. Under a year, it's all gone. Well, we're at 7 months now, no signs of stopping. Getting better, yes, but still a long road to travel.

 

6 months wasn't worth the lifetime of hurt and pain, the rift between me and my husband, the intrusive thoughts of OM, etc. I spit on you, affair. I spit on you, OM. I spit on myself for having said affair and OM. Bleh.

[Coolit]

I'm sorry, cd, sounds like you're in a rough patch.

 

I have it better then you. My feelings for OM were mostly based on just wanting more sex. When I was right in it i thought I was maybe getting more emptionaly involved... And I was a bit. But the main stuff was the dirty talk. When he lied to my face the last time I saw him, I felt all attraction slip away. When he blamed my behaviour on my husband I was completely disgusted.

 

The person I miss and shouldn't is his wife. It was hard for me to find a close friend and then I betrayed the one I did find. Of course, she wasn't a good friend to have what with knowingly inviting me into her marriage bed behind my H back. But I think she did it out of desperation to keep her H faithful.

 

So my feelings are not cut off from her. But I'm pretty sure I'm over him. We'll see if I run into him...

[aliveagain]

As I looked at your post again this morning a couple of things stood out to me. The first is you pursued O/M just as much as he pursued you, you even read about the signs of an affair so you wouldn't make the same mistake that others were caught for before you started yours, very premeditated. The fact that you had sex with a married man in front of his wife while your husband was somewhere in the house and could have discovered you at any moment really pushes your post over the top. You also stated that on another occasion you allowed the O/M to penetrate you with his fingers while your husband lay in the bunk bed above you. Even though you didn't have sex with his wife directly you did, he penetrated both of you, some fluids had to be exchanged. The O/M broke off the affair and not you, does that mean you would still be in your affair had he not?

 

The questions I have are:

 

Why do you still have fond memories of O/M?

 

Why aren't you more forceful with your husband about not wanting contact with other couple? Can this point be brought up in counseling with him?

 

How will you deal with the imbalance your affair has caused to your marriage? You stated in an earlier post that you and your husband were each others first and only, you still are his first and only but he is no longer yours, in fact you have to add a woman on your list. One day he will wake up to this fact.

 

Coolit, sorry if I come across as hard, not my intent but I do want to give you a betrayed spouse's perspective and I tend to be direct. I have triggered reading the depth of some of the betrayals posted on this site, that's my issue though.

[Coolit]

As I looked at your post again this morning a couple of things stood out to me. The first is you pursued O/M just as much as he pursued you,

 

I did not play hard to get, that's for sure. But he always initiated everything. He gave me his email, added me on FB, invited me over, kissed me, ect. And each time my answer was yes. I knew he was interested and instead of choosing to run (I actually got rid of the paper he gave me to add him on WoW and that was my last smart move) I decided to explore this possibility. Yuck.

 

you even read about the signs of an affair so you wouldn't make the same mistake that others were caught for before you started yours, very premeditated.

 

My A was premeditated for the fact that I knew I was playing with fire By gettin to know this man. I knew I was attracted to him and I was pretty sure he was attracted to me (though sometimes I thought I was making it up) so, i self acknowled building a "friendship" with him was wrong. When we crossed the real line between us (sex talk) I did my googling.

 

The fact that you had sex with a married man in front of his wife while your husband was somewhere in the house and could have discovered you at any moment really pushes your post over the top. You also stated that on another occasion you allowed the O/M to penetrate you with his fingers while your husband lay in the bunk bed above you. Even though you didn't have sex with his wife directly you did, he penetrated both of you, some fluids had to be exchanged. The O/M broke off the affair and not you, does that mean you would still be in your affair had he not?

 

I was slipping Anti anxiety meds, I was agitated all the time. I knew that stopping meant facing my guilt. I lost a lot of weight (i was my ideal weight) I couldn't sleep. I told xMM we needed to take a break from each other as I was a crazy person. But then I wanted us to behave like just friends and pretend nothing had happened. I'd look at my husband and want to blurt it out so he would know I'd been living a lie. This went on for a few weeks. Then xMM told me were done... For now. And would be just friends. We were supposed to han out (the four of us) that weekend and I finally got the guts to confess. So i dont know if I would have confessed but something finally snapped inside of me the last time we did anything and I was headed downwards pretty fast. I think the double life was over.

 

The questions I have are:

 

Why do you still have fond memories of O/M?

I don't. I know the sex was good because I remember it was good at the time. Thinking about it now I need a clinical approach or I actually feel ill. Any non sexual memories of him are clouded with the knowledge that we were leading double lives. His W and I however did have some non misbehaving fun. Watching movies and hanging out. But really, if I think about those I am gutted by the knowledge that I was able to honestly feel concern for her while being naughty behind her back with her husband. That behavioir I did JUSTIFY to carry on. While with my H I knew I was stabbing him in the back, that he didn't deserve it and that I was a terrible person for it... But he was never to find out.

 

Why aren't you more forceful with your husband about not wanting contact with other couple? Can this point be brought up in counseling with him?

 

I can't be. We are talking his very very good friends who are friends with the OC. They will be places we go. We live in a town population 10,000 and remote. We see each other. But we are NC as in no social media or other direct communication. My H was only tossing around the idea to meet up so that the first time I am around them again won't be at a party. I was having social anxiety.

 

How will you deal with the imbalance your affair has caused to your marriage? You stated in an earlier post that you and your husband were each others first and only, you still are his first and only but he is no longer yours, in fact you have to add a woman on your list. One day he will wake up to this fact.

 

He was my first and only. I was not his. He was in no way a man whore but he did have more than one sexual partner before me.

Coolit, sorry if I come across as hard, not my intent but I do want to give you a betrayed spouse's perspective and I tend to be direct. I have triggered reading the depth of some of the betrayals posted on this site, that's my issue though.

 

Sometimes your posts make me cringe but i can honestly say on this thread I have not felt attacted by you. Your questions have been respectful and good for me to answer. This is a journey for me. My mindset is changing and I am learning to forgive myself. And be a faithful wife again who doesn't risk everything simply because she is "curious". Feel free to ask any questions. I have a little more trouble when people project onto me what or who I am when they have no idea. Or make up stuff I never even said.

[Coolit]

SMH- you are so far off base I am not even going to reply to your wild accusations. If you actually have questions rather than crazy theories, ask and I will answer.

[drifter777]

My impression is that you are still rationalizing your cheating and now you have added "it's in the past, why does R have to take so long". And you are going to get away with it scot-free. Your BH is terrified of upsetting his world any more that has already been done and will continue to give you a pass. In my opinion, it is a lead-pipe cinch that you are going to cheat again. Why not? If you don't get the sex or attention you desire than you are entitled to pursue it with another man, right?