pointfive Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 Hello all! Hopefully you guys can offer me some advice and insight I met this guy on a forum a year ago and we've been talking ever since. Started talking as friends and about 4 months in, I admitted to have feelings for him and he said he felt the same way However there were some red flags that rose in the first 6 months: - He lied about his age (said he was 24, is actually 28–I also had some suspicions about this but he confessed this after he felt I was starting to take things seriously when I offered we should meet up in person) - Avoided video Skype chats a few times and the one time he did accept, it was after we had a discussion with me telling him I felt it wasn't worth pursuing an "e-relationship" anymore, but he signed on a time we never chat at and we still haven't video chatted… - "Forgot" to send me some photos of some poses of himself for a drawing project I was working on, even though I gave him 1 month notice and gave him constant reminders At the same time he has given me some "proof" he is the same person in photos: - Sent me a photo with specific writing on piece of paper - Shown me his driver's license that matches his name, location, age, etc. So for the most part I feel he is who he says he is. The conversations feel pretty consistent. He's a really smart guy, and we're able to have some great debates and he can think quickly on his feet and bring up good questions and alternative perspectives. We've also shared a lot of personal thoughts, opinions, and goals with each other. Anyway I did offer to fly out to his city (with a friend) for the summer to meet. He said he'd be busy with both full time work and school, which is understandable. I said I wouldn't mind meeting for a lunch or just hanging out for a bit on the weekends (since I'd have my friend to go exploring with anyway) but he felt it would be better if we had a whole week to spend together. I felt a bit saddened of course, so I decided not to go. I wasn't expecting to spend all my time with him just in case we didn't mesh in person, but I just wanted to see if it was worth hoping for a future (we used to talk nearly every day, 2-5 hours). I feel I may be more emotionally invested than he is, since I am the one to usually bring up these types of conversations about meeting him, liking him, etc. Anyway after talking nearly every day, we've gone down from talking to about once a week. It started in about February, we'd go 3-4 days without talking, and eventually it'd lead to 1-2 weeks of no contact. Most of the time he doesn't tell me what's going on unless I ask him, and if he does tell me, it's always a week later of no contact. It's mostly due to him wanting to sleep earlier, busy with homework, or family visiting. I mean yes they sound like valid reasons, but at the same time I wish he'd just send a quick short message saying he'll be busy for a while... because then I never really know when he'll be back or if he'll be back and my anxiety goes up To be fair, my communication with him is probably not as great. I don't always bring up these concerns to him because I feel like it may be too needy and I shouldn't worry as much, but I don't know. It makes me feel overly analytical... Anyway sorry for the long post! I just want to know if I'm just over thinking and if it's foolish to keep hoping something may happen in the future.
Faith13/2 Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 I don't think the small fib about the age is much of an issue, since I've seen that happen a few times for different reasons. Since you mentioned the photo with the writing and the I.D I also believe he may be exactly who he says he is.. What I'm thinking is are you sure he's single? If he wasn't it would explain why he's more willing to send a photo compared to video chatting. It could also explain his need to push off meeting in person. Could be wrong, but it's just my first thought..
TMichaels Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 I just want to know if I'm just over thinking and if it's foolish to keep hoping something may happen in the future. Yes, I think it's foolish -- and I think he's already come to that conclusion and is trying to "let you down easy" and disentangle himself -- but you aren't listening or refuse to pay attention. Guys who are interested/available don't avoid contact. They don't leave a girl hanging for a week or more, and they don't turn down an opportunity to hang out. I believe he got caught up in the fantasy of an on-line relationship and his real life is a lot different than what he's portrayed. He probably feels like he's equally responsible for letting things develop, but the fact of the matter he's not available and he's led you on. So rather than man up and admit it, he's hoping things will just peter out on their own. I think you'd be wise to allow things to do just that and spend more time seeking out someone local who has shared interests and the characteristics you find attractive. Best, TMichaels 2
bentleychic Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 My guess is also that he's not single. How far apart do you guys live?
Author pointfive Posted September 3, 2013 Author Posted September 3, 2013 Hey everyone, thanks for the replies. Whether he's available or not, there's no sure way to tell unless I actually meet/know him. But for the most part, I don't think he is seeing anyone else. He has told me before he has trouble talking to women in the sense that if they show interest, he'll act uninterested because he gets nervous. He hasn't been in a relationship in a while and only got into his last one because his girlfriend was more "aggressive" than he was and took the lead more often. I don't know if he has gotten over that and started seeing someone else -- it would probably explain why he disappears on me so frequently. But right now I'm thinking he doesn't really care as much (I would never just disappear on someone for a whole week, especially if I felt close to them–even if it was just a couple minutes a day I'd say something). Lately though he's been sending me a bunch of offline messages (he normally doesn't) after a week of not talking again. He always sends them whenever I'm not on though (he knows the usual hours I'm online). When we actually do talk, the conversations flow great and things seem fine but then school seems to be taking up a lot of his time. He's been saying he doesn't even have time for homework anymore. I think I'm just going to have a conversation with him about this and see what's going on and see where we stand. And @bentleychic, we are a 3 hour flight apart, we live in different countries, and it's a 1 hour time difference between us. I'll post an update when I can
TMichaels Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 Whether he's available or not, there's no sure way to tell unless I actually meet/know him. You still won't know unless you're around him 24/7. But for the most part, I don't think he is seeing anyone else. He has told me before he has trouble talking to women in the sense that if they show interest, he'll act uninterested because he gets nervous. He hasn't been in a relationship in a while and only got into his last one because his girlfriend was more "aggressive" than he was and took the lead more often. He's got a ready explanation for every scenario, doesn't he? Yes, you're right. He does think quickly on his feet. I don't know if he has gotten over that and started seeing someone else -- it would probably explain why he disappears on me so frequently. But right now I'm thinking he doesn't really care as much (I would never just disappear on someone for a whole week, especially if I felt close to them–even if it was just a couple minutes a day I'd say something). The only thing he cares about is giving you enough attention to keep you on his string. Lately though he's been sending me a bunch of offline messages (he normally doesn't) after a week of not talking again. He always sends them whenever I'm not on though (he knows the usual hours I'm online). How clever. AKA as "breadcrumbs." When we actually do talk, the conversations flow great and things seem fine but then school seems to be taking up a lot of his time. He's been saying he doesn't even have time for homework anymore. If he doesn't have time for homework, then *what is it* that is keeping him so busy? And why is a 28-year-old still going to school? I think I'm just going to have a conversation with him about this and see what's going on and see where we stand. Hope you'll have your BS filter turned up high. Unless he agrees to a meeting even if that's just a Skype video call within the next month (and actually goes through with it), you need to walk. This guy's got more excuses than Carter's got liver pills. Whether his real relationship status is bogus or not -- he's hiding something and you need to quit accepting and making excuses for his behavior. Best, TMichaels
FitChick Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 This guy's got more excuses than Carter's got liver pills. Best, TMichaels You must be at least 70 with that obscure reference! Something my uncle used to say.
TMichaels Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 You must be at least 70 with that obscure reference! Something my uncle used to say. Ha-ha. Not quite. I realized that not everyone would cop on, but if the shoe (and the phrase) fits, then wear/use it! Besides, wouldn't be the first time someone has had to Google a reference made here... Best, TMichaels
Author pointfive Posted September 4, 2013 Author Posted September 4, 2013 LOL I'm afraid I had to Google that reference as well But that is true, I never truly will know if he's single unless I'm around him 24/7 but that's what trust is for isn't it? at this point I just want to know what the reason is and if it's justifiable. Within a 3 week span, we've talked only once with a few offline messages sent here and there. I actually looked back at the chat records and this is the amount of conversations we've had: February: 14 March: 12 May: 7 June: 7 July: 5 August: 5 Obviously a huge decrease. The length of the conversations have also shortened, and the span between the days of not talking increase as well. @TMichaels His explanation for his lack of relationships was something I learned early on around the time we first met, so it's not something I'm too suspicious about. As for his schooling at 28, he's had a reckless past with his high school friends. He'd get high and drunk often and not care about education, but eventually at some point he left them and decided he wanted something better for himself. He's in his 3rd year of college right now doing programming. He has shown me some of his projects, and we've talked a lot about his lectures so I don't really doubt he's not in school. Right now my assumption is that full time school and full time work are keeping him busy. He's saying he doesn't have enough time to finish some of the homework he's been assigned. He also takes health and fitness pretty seriously and goes to the gym often as well. However when I first met him, he was still in full time school and full time work and had no problem maintaing conversations with me. Now that it's dying down, I'm just wondering what's going on since he practically falls off the face of the earth lol. I was expecting more time to talk to him during the summer, even though he had a busy schedule, he said his courses weren't "hard" and weren't taking up too much time so it did make me wonder (this is July by the way). I'm still waiting out on him to have our conversation. I've sent him offline messages saying I wanted to talk but he hasn't responded so we'll see how it goes.
justwhoiam Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 I actually looked back at the chat records and this is the amount of conversations we've had: February: 14 March: 12 May: 7 June: 7 July: 5 August: 5 It looks like he lately set up an alarm on his phone to drop you a line once a month. What a keeper........................
Els Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 Waaaay too many red flags here. Sorry, OP. LDRs are tough in the best of circumstances between two people who really trust each other and have reason to do so. In this situation? I wouldn't even advocate you staying with him if he was moving to your town tomorrow. Cut your losses, IMO.
Author pointfive Posted September 19, 2013 Author Posted September 19, 2013 Hi all Sorry I haven't been on much lately, but here's a timeline update for anyone who still cares! We finally had our chat (on Sept. 7) and this is how it went: - He apologized for making me wait, saying he wasn't "avoiding" me or "bored of talking to me" because of how busy his semester has been - He explained his schedule to me again: 8 hour shifts at work every weekday, an hour to go home and make lunch and dinner, then he heads off to school and doesn't get home until 10:30 PM - Says he's really tired… most nights he tries to get as much sleep as he can but says he'll be up until 2:30 AM some nights because of studying or projects (he's also called in "sick" to work a couple times because he just hasn't had enough time to complete school work) - Told me not to take it personally (says he hasn't even seen friends or family outside of school in the last 2 weeks and has had no personal time for himself except 10-15 minutes at the gym) He also said he understood why I was angry and said all he could do was apologize if it felt like he was burning me, then he stayed on for another 2 hours to talk to me (which I appreciated). He suggested we try an app that allows for free messaging and calling anywhere in the world so it'd be easier to keep in touch but said we'd talk more about it next time… which is fine by me, I have to update my phone soon anyway because my current one is getting kind of funky lol. Anyway I told him I'd appreciate it more if he sent more offline messages frequently if he's busy, just so I know what's going on, and that I didn't expect him to have long conversations with me all the time if he to do homework. He says he'll try harder and so far he's sent about 3 mini updates within the span of a week… which was more than before so I'm glad he's trying. Though at this point I am not placing too much emphasis on whatever it is we "have". I'll treat him more like an online chat buddy or friend, rather than potential romantic interest. If he is telling the truth, then I wish him all the best with his studies… I know he works hard in school and the courses get tougher so he'll have a lot of refocusing to do… but otherwise, I'm not dwelling so much on it anymore. I actually went on a date this past week with someone local and because I haven't been talking to this "LDR" guy as much, it wasn't so hard looking for other people.
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