pteromom Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 But do I deserve the moon and the stars? Should I wait for a man who gives me these things, because I deserve it? I don't know. And I don't think I'm one to judge myself and decide whether I deserve those things. If a man judges me and deems me worthy, and gives me those things, then I will believe I deserve it. But I won't automatically claim I deserve anything. Because what have I done? What makes me deserve anything special and spectacular? I am not special nor spectacular. I am average. I should expect average treatment. And it's all I really WANT... I am pleased with just normal and average. Having someone who truly loves you and who you truly love isn't "special and spectacular". It's the BASELINE - the bare minimum you should accept. There's nothing wrong with being pleased with normal and average, but it still needs to come from someone who is attracted to you, cherishes you, and who you feel the same way about. He doesn't have to be a rich movie star - he can just be an average guy - but you DO deserve to be loved for who you are. Not just you - EVERYONE deserves that. And if it takes you a long time to find it, it is still better to stay single than to settle for someone who "accepts you". 2
Author Phoe Posted September 5, 2013 Author Posted September 5, 2013 Thanks everyone for helping me. I know what is right but it's still hard to get it through my head and take the correct course of action when all I want to do is be hopeful. It's easy to just think that things might be better if I give him a chance I suppose I'm just in an especially bitter mood today, and that doesn't help. I'll snap out of it...
Els Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 I'm frustrated. And someone who I used to have very strong feelings for, who ended up rejecting me, contacted me out of the blue yesterday after not speaking since around Christmas. I wish he hadn't. My heart is in my throat. This other someone (though admittedly I don't know anything about him) still sounds like a better bet to pursue than that godawful ex, if you must. Tell us about him. What did he say to you?
Author Phoe Posted September 6, 2013 Author Posted September 6, 2013 This other someone (though admittedly I don't know anything about him) still sounds like a better bet to pursue than that godawful ex, if you must. Tell us about him. What did he say to you? He does not want me. I pursued him and he rejected me, he is with someone else and recently moved in with her. He just contacted me to say hi. We exchanged niceties and the conversation ended. It was pointless and only opened the wound. I did not want to start thinking about him again...
Els Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 Ohhh, okay. Sorry to hear that. I was hoping it would at least distract you from the ex. Silver lining and all that. Phoe, are you really going to take up your ex's offer?
Author Phoe Posted September 6, 2013 Author Posted September 6, 2013 Ohhh, okay. Sorry to hear that. I was hoping it would at least distract you from the ex. Silver lining and all that. Phoe, are you really going to take up your ex's offer? No worries, I appreciate your intentions I don't know. He originally wanted to go out again tomorrow, but cancelled anyway due to not having the money. *shrug* We've talked a few times this week, just general polite stuff. He wanted to play a videogame with me last night but I was exhausted after work and went to sleep. I told him I was too tired, but he kept texting. He got anxious and called me "unresponsive" this morning. There's not much indication either way what would even happen with us. I guess I'm at a standstill. More than anything I just want to throw my phone under the bed and become a hermit
StrongLass Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 No worries, We've talked a few times this week, just general polite stuff. He wanted to play a videogame with me last night but I was exhausted after work and went to sleep. I told him I was too tired, but he kept texting. He got anxious and called me "unresponsive" this morning. So he's needy/clingy too? There's not much indication either way what would even happen with us. I guess I'm at a standstill. Yes there is, it just wouldn't be all that great More than anything I just want to throw my phone under the bed and become a hermit Tell him it's not ever happening THEN become a hermit if you like you'd still be better off in the long run. 1
Els Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 No worries, I appreciate your intentions I don't know. He originally wanted to go out again tomorrow, but cancelled anyway due to not having the money. *shrug* We've talked a few times this week, just general polite stuff. He wanted to play a videogame with me last night but I was exhausted after work and went to sleep. I told him I was too tired, but he kept texting. He got anxious and called me "unresponsive" this morning. There's not much indication either way what would even happen with us. I guess I'm at a standstill. More than anything I just want to throw my phone under the bed and become a hermit This post, and your first, and your others in the S&R forum about exes, have been plenty of indication on which way it'll go, Phoe. I get that you feel something is better than 'nothing' - and that may be true, for the short term. But in the long term, if you let things develop with this low-life and actually get trapped in a R with him again, how many other actually great guys are you going to miss out on? I'm not a fan of expecting 'perfection' from a guy. But there is a bare minimum, yes? Think of what you'd want from a R. Can this guy deliver even a semblance of that? 1
Author Phoe Posted September 7, 2013 Author Posted September 7, 2013 how many other actually great guys are you going to miss out on?? probably none. and I know I sound pathetic and stupid and ridiculous... even though this guy is only at the bare minimum for my expectations, he's still the best guy to ever pursue me. I just try to be realistic with the fact that not only will no one better come along, no one AT ALL will come along... at least not for a long time. I'm doing okay being single though. I'm not miserable or anything, and really am just better off staying single... it's smartest for me to realize that sometimes, something is NOT better than nothing. But "nothing" can still kick rocks. Maybe I'll look into OLD. It's always frightened me haha... but it might increase my options. At least get me some experience. Time for me to stop being so frickin derpy and depressing. I'm done!! lol.
Els Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 Yes, do broaden your horizons, Phoe - I have a feeling that you're pretty much only meeting the same circle of guys most of the time, yes? Sometimes we just don't 'mesh' with certain types of guys romantically, so it may benefit you to look around in different demographics. OLD... ehhh, it has worked for some, but you should be very careful with it. You're a sweet, accommodating girl, just the sort that many conmen and liars prey on. 1
Simon Phoenix Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 probably none. and I know I sound pathetic and stupid and ridiculous... even though this guy is only at the bare minimum for my expectations, he's still the best guy to ever pursue me. I just try to be realistic with the fact that not only will no one better come along, no one AT ALL will come along... at least not for a long time. I'm doing okay being single though. I'm not miserable or anything, and really am just better off staying single... it's smartest for me to realize that sometimes, something is NOT better than nothing. But "nothing" can still kick rocks. Maybe I'll look into OLD. It's always frightened me haha... but it might increase my options. At least get me some experience. Time for me to stop being so frickin derpy and depressing. I'm done!! lol. This is such an awful attitude. I don't get many prospects that really hook my interest, but the last thing I would ever do is settle just to settle. I would rather be single my entire life than just settle for a person who wasn't what I wanted because "it's probably the best I can get". I mean, sack up and have some pride. I mean, if you think so little of yourself, other people are going to think the same. You really need to shift how you think. It's just destructive. 3
Author Phoe Posted September 7, 2013 Author Posted September 7, 2013 Yes, do broaden your horizons, Phoe - I have a feeling that you're pretty much only meeting the same circle of guys most of the time, yes? Sometimes we just don't 'mesh' with certain types of guys romantically, so it may benefit you to look around in different demographics. OLD... ehhh, it has worked for some, but you should be very careful with it. You're a sweet, accommodating girl, just the sort that many conmen and liars prey on. I definitely don't mesh romantically with the men I interact with on a daily basis. Easy to make friends but never any romantic vibes. I wonder if OLD or meetups of some kind might help at least get me out of this same circle, branch out a bit. Being accommodating and being preyed upon is something I DEFINITELY worry about... I just can't change who I am though. I feel like if I am less sweet and accommodating, not only will I be acting out of character, men will resent me.
Els Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 I definitely don't mesh romantically with the men I interact with on a daily basis. Easy to make friends but never any romantic vibes. I wonder if OLD or meetups of some kind might help at least get me out of this same circle, branch out a bit. If OLD or meetups arranged online help you break out of your normal social circle, I'll say go for it! I'd probably still be single if I had remained with the one social circle that I was comfortable with. Being accommodating and being preyed upon is something I DEFINITELY worry about... I just can't change who I am though. I feel like if I am less sweet and accommodating, not only will I be acting out of character, men will resent me. There is nothing wrong with being sweet. You just need to temper it with caution, that's all. Give people the benefit of doubt and be as sweet as you like, but at the same time be vigilant. Don't sleep with them right away (unless you actually want to), don't give them any money, insist on meeting IRL asap, etc. You're an intelligent girl, you know the drill.
BC1980 Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 Just a thought, but, if you really have such little value for yourself, you are very unlikely to attract someone that is worthy of you. You will attract someone who you will settle with. That is so depressing. 1
Author Phoe Posted September 7, 2013 Author Posted September 7, 2013 Just a thought, but, if you really have such little value for yourself, you are very unlikely to attract someone that is worthy of you. You will attract someone who you will settle with. That is so depressing. I definitely never speak or even hint at any kind of attitude like this IRL. This forum is the only place where I let out these insecurities. Which I sometimes regret doing... I am extremely fearful of people IRL finding out these problems of mine. I would never ever EVER want to put off any kind of negative vibe like this in any way, shape, or form. IRL I am calm, confident, collected, rational. No one would ever accuse me of low self-esteem. It was only when I came to this forum and opened up about my problems that I ever got accused of low self-esteem or low self-worth. And I still don't agree with having low self esteem or low value of myself. I am confident in myself and my abilities as a person, I'm proud of the good things about myself, and aware of my flaws, and strive to overcome them. I'm just very realistic about myself and don't believe myself entitled to anything.
Simon Phoenix Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 There's a huge difference between not being entitled and settling for something you don't want out of fear that you can't do better. Not being entitled is a good thing, the latter is a bad thing.
It's Just Me Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 PHOE! Snap out of it! <Slap> We haven't really interacted, but from what I know of you from your posts, you are a thoughtful, intelligent and terrific person. Please don't settle for some schmuck just because he's the only one who has come back along. I don't know what your STI is, but if it's what I think it is, and in the name of all that is good and holy... it's not a freaking death sentence. I've dated three guys with it, and while it's never been a deal-breaker, there was a bit more care and caution required. No biggie, in my books. Don't sell yourself short. But do think about the qualities you really want in a guy. Make a list, on paper. Then internalize it. You'll be amazed at how you view the next guys that come along.
beyond Posted September 8, 2013 Posted September 8, 2013 (edited) This is such an awful attitude. I don't get many prospects that really hook my interest, but the last thing I would ever do is settle just to settle. I would rather be single my entire life than just settle for a person who wasn't what I wanted because "it's probably the best I can get". I mean, sack up and have some pride. I mean, if you think so little of yourself, other people are going to think the same. You really need to shift how you think. It's just destructive. Totally agree with the above. If someone great comes along that can add in a positive way to my busy, generally very happy life, then great. Otherwise I'm happy doing my thing and spending time with my friends/family etc. Phoe, I know this is going against the grain of what most posters do, especially looking at the dating board, but I don't think online dating sites are the way to go. There are so many other much better ways to meet decent guys IMO. Volunteering, doing a hobby you are passionate about/have always wanted to try, etc. Also, re the STI/Herpes thing - I'm sure being an intelligent woman you have read up about it and know how to protect yourself and any future partners. YOU were prepared to get into a relationship with this guy even after you knew he had this disease. What makes you think there aren't caring intelligent men out there who wouldn't think the same about you? To make it clear, the fact he has an STI is not the reason I don't think he sounds a good guy for you. Edited September 8, 2013 by beyond
Els Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 Phoe, how are you doing? Hope you took our advice and didn't follow up with the ex?
Author Phoe Posted September 9, 2013 Author Posted September 9, 2013 Phoe, how are you doing? Hope you took our advice and didn't follow up with the ex? I'm mostly waffling right now. If anything I can honestly say my mind is in such a confused and boggled state over men in general that I am not fit to try to date ANYONE. lol. Hermitville. Yes. Sounds nice.....
Author Phoe Posted September 9, 2013 Author Posted September 9, 2013 Phoe, I know this is going against the grain of what most posters do, especially looking at the dating board, but I don't think online dating sites are the way to go. There are so many other much better ways to meet decent guys IMO. Volunteering, doing a hobby you are passionate about/have always wanted to try, etc. Also, re the STI/Herpes thing - I'm sure being an intelligent woman you have read up about it and know how to protect yourself and any future partners. YOU were prepared to get into a relationship with this guy even after you knew he had this disease. What makes you think there aren't caring intelligent men out there who wouldn't think the same about you? I just figure that OLD might be good for me simply because it's clear by doing that, that I have romantic intentions. There's no beating around the bush with it, I'm here to date! lol. Volunteering and hobbies and activities and such are awesome for helping me find new friends, but dating opportunities never present themselves. I kinda gotta just take the bull by the horns I guess... and to me OLD seems to be the most straightforward way. I know that with medication and condoms my chances of spreading Herpes are miniscule, not to mention 60% of people who have it don't know they have it because they show no symptoms, which means there is a decent chance of meeting someone who's already got it anyway. BUT... I just don't see any healthy man who is negative for herpes taking a chance on me. Sadly, most people who haven't experienced it, just aren't that educated on the subject. My chances just don't look that great. No man is gonna risk having a lifelong disease just to date me. I've heard there are dating groups specifically for people with herpes. I may look into it.
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