tuxedo cat Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 I work part time as a barista at a busy cafe. One of our regulars is this mid-forties lawyer who comes in almost daily and orders a specific drink. He's alright but not my type. He seems a little boring and I don't think we'd have much in common; plus he looks about 15 years older. I didn't really get a creepy vibe from him in person, though. I've been friendly to him but not *that* friendly...just polite, so I was surprised when I received a fb request from him the other day. I foolishly accepted it. I went to his profile and noticed he only had three friends and no photo. It looked as if he had just created a profile to add me. A few minutes later he made a post on my wall joking about overdosing on his favorite espresso drink. It was a lame attempt at humor but I "liked" the post out of politeness. He asked a question in the post that I didn't answer. I thought that'd be hint enough. A few hours later he sent me this: Hi Tuxedo, Thanks for accepting my friend request. You can probably tell from my profile that I don't use Facebook. Still, I wanted to say hello to you. Have a good night. (I'm never up this late.) Best, ----- I did not respond to this message. The next day he didn't come in to the cafe which was unusual. Today I get this: I had an iced chai around 6 pm this evening. [Male barista] is a good guy, and the two new guys seem pleasant enough. Nevertheless, the chai lacked the magic to which I've grown accustomed. I hope you are having a nice weekend. Any fun plans? I'm getting really irritated at this point. Should I respond and if so what should I say? I have no interest in him but I also have to see him at work so I don't want to be rude. Everyone else there has a rapport with him so it would be weird if I brushed him off. How can I handle this most tactfully?
ChristopherRobin Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 Seems to me like he is going to ask you out or he is trying to get you to ask him out. If you aren't interested, just send him a polite message on Facebook that informs him of such. Something tasteful that won't hurt his pride, such as "I'm not interested in anything other than a friendly relationship with my customers, due to my ethical standards. I will be glad to make your drinks for you still, though!" 2
Maleficent Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 Don't respond and block him. Mention it to your superiors and if he says anything to you at work, ask him nicely to leave you alone. Even if he complains about this, your superiors will be aware of the situation. The man is borderline stalking you.
Imajerk17 Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 (edited) What is it with you and FB? Didn't you go through something like this last year w some guy in your class? Wait a couple days and send him something brief: "My weekend was good hope you had a good one!" Then ignore most of his messages from now on. He should get the hint. PS: Two unsolicited messages on FB is NOT "borderline stalking". (Remember tuxedo cat ACCEPTED his request, and actually "LIKED" one of this guy's updates. Perspective everyone...) Edited August 31, 2013 by Imajerk17 9
Maleficent Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 What is it with you and FB? Didn't you go through something like this last year w some guy in your class? Wait a couple days and send him something brief: "My weekend was good hope you had a good one!" Then ignore most of his messages from now on. He should get the hint. PS: Two unsolicited messages on FB is NOT "borderline stalking". (Remember tuxedo cat ACCEPTED his request, and actually "LIKED" one of this guy's updates. Perspective everyone...) Maybe, but the man admitted himself he 'wasn't using facebook' so it looks like he created a Facebook just to get to her. And she is obviously concerned enough to post this here. I wouldn't just shrug it off.
gaius Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 Just lie and tell him you have an agreement with your boyfriend that you won't have conversations with members of the opposite sex on facebook but you look forward seeing him at the bar whenever. 5
gaius Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 She accepted him and liked the post. Foolishly accepted and liked out of politeness, but how is he to know? Because anything other than direct contact is a sign of disinterest. A like counts for squat. He's on his third try in a short amount of time and has received nothing but disinterest. Way into douchey territory and should know better. 1
xxoo Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 1. Don't friend people you don't know really well (or really want to know better) on FB. 2. Ignore his message. I'd probably defriend him in the near future, too. Lesson learned. 2
FitChick Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 I'd go with the boyfriend ruse to discourage him. Unless he is a total dolt. Then say it's against your personal policy to date customers. Some women create their own problems.
SJC2008 Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 Why not keep being polite and bear his children? Seriously though you brought this on yourself by accepting his request. Did you do it becasue you thought it would be awkward if you didn't accept it and would see him in the cafe?
Maleficent Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 Well apparently I am not the only one who thinks this is creepy. As for those of you who think I'm exaggerating…well, I'm pretty sure there are a ****load of girls who are now underground who should have 'exaggerated'. Bottom line, if OP is not comfortable with this guy, there is no reason why she would be polite, nice etc. And I suggested she mentions it to her superiors in case the guy gets pissed and makes complaints about her 'service'.
Author tuxedo cat Posted August 31, 2013 Author Posted August 31, 2013 I think I'll just delete him. Work awkwardness be damned. 1
ChristopherRobin Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 Yeah, the awkwardness was guaranteed when he added you on Facebook. I agree with the advice that you should tell your Manager or ASM about it as well to prevent future.. issues. I agree that people, especially women, need to be careful about "creepy" people, but this guy is not really being creepy at all in my opinion. If he starts commenting on every picture you have at 3:00 AM in the morning, that's creepy. If he starts hanging out at your work all day, that's creepy. If he pulls over in his car next to you at a red light when you are driving home, already in the opposite side of the city, and waves at you with a smile.. that's really creepy. Activating an old Facebook account to start trying to spark something up with a woman you think is cute at the place you grab coffee at? That guy should be locked up and kept well hidden from society! Sarcasm* 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 So now being friendly is creepy. Meanwhile the same women who call this creepy tend to be atrocious at picking boyfriends. If she was so creeped out by him, why didn't she reject his Facebook request? Why did she like his post on her wall? I am sorry, but did you miss the part where he specifically created FB profile to add OP? 1
Yookie Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 Yeah, a couple of FB messages from a guy trying to meet a girl is sure "creepy" all right. He's a real CreepsterMcCreeperMcGee. OP, I can't disagree more with some of the more extreme advice in this thread. Every day, adults are faced with the prospect of having to reject unwanted attention from normal, everyday people, and they manage to do that politely and reasonably, without creating work disturbance, paperwork, or unpleasantness of any kind at all. Up to you who you want to be going forward. :lmao: :lmao:
johan Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 Two messages and a couple of likes doesn't really amount to "won't leave you alone" yet. Not the way I see it so far. He's just testing the waters at this point. Give him a chance jump back. If he pesters you for several days, then it's time for a polite letdown. I'm thinking you've seen his last visit to your shop for a while.
gaius Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 I've found it kind of creepy when people have failed to respond to the most basic social cues. Especially when they're being very nice so you feel obligated to respond. It's kind of like being taken somewhere you really don't want to go and forced to interact with someone you have no interest in. Some people just aren't the kind of social animals who would find situations like that easy to breeze through.
johan Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 I think "creepy" is the term used for someone you just know is going to force you into an uncomfortable situation and have to reject them in an unnecessarily blunt way. It's not a character assassination. 1
EasyHeart Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 There's nothing inappropriate in this story, let alone creepy. OP, if you don't want this man to contact you, say so. Don't 'friend' him and don't encourage him. 1
candie13 Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 he said he was inexperienced when it came to fb. Fair enough for him to try, also I agree he is being awfully awkward. In my opinion you should respond to his message and turn down his kind invitation, because you are not interested. Period. No motivation, no boyfriend. It is your decision and you don't have to justify it. See how he reacts after that. If he turns weird. I'd delete him or put him on limited profile. I'm private when it comes to sharing and fb...
PlumPrincess Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 Yeah, a couple of FB messages from a guy trying to meet a girl is sure "creepy" all right. He's a real CreepsterMcCreeperMcGee. OP, I can't disagree more with some of the more extreme advice in this thread. Every day, adults are faced with the prospect of having to reject unwanted attention from normal, everyday people, and they manage to do that politely and reasonably, without creating work disturbance, paperwork, or unpleasantness of any kind at all. Up to you who you want to be going forward. You guys always side with the men, because you think that since you have also been called creep at least once by a woman when all you were doing was trying to be friendly, it must mean that every time a woman says that she feels uncomfortable with a creepy guy that she is wrong. Well, I tell you something, some women are indeed stupid, they call every guy creep, because that's good for their ego, but some men are really creepy and it would be nice if men could distinguish between these two and not call every woman hysterical when she complains about a guy. Having said that, I think he's a normal, everyday, male idiot, who is obviously so old that he doesn't even know how Facebook works but nevertheless thinks he has a chance with a girl who herself is not old enough to deal with unwanted attention from her Facebook friends.
JourneyLady Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 Creepy is a character assassination. No man wants to be called that and now it's used so loosely by women. Kinda like the word "needy" by men, when all we want to know is what the game is when you don't contact us. 1
PlumPrincess Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 (edited) To my knowledge, I've never been called creepy. But if I was called that, I wouldn't take it seriously....because it's greatly overused. What makes him a "male idiot"? He likes a girl, he didn't know how to go about talking to her, and he came off as very awkward. He's not very good with women and potentially socially awkward. How does that translate into being an idiot? Who knows? Maybe he just got out of a 20 year marriage and doesn't know how to approach women in this new dating environment that he was not previously exposed to. Doesn't sound like a "male idiot" to me.From her description he sounds as if he was old enough to be her father. And her reaction to him can be described as repulsion. Why do so many guys think that women should consider it normal, when older men approach them? How old are you friends? Imagine a socially awkward, much older dude trying to befriend you on Facebook. You would probably not be that open to a friendship with him, but why is expected of women to welcome that or to consider it normal? Just today I saw this girl make a post on the meetup website, saying she was looking for new friends. I thought, sounds good, but she was 27 and I'm 36. I don't know that many women who are interested in making female friends much older, it can happen, but it's not like they seek them out. I have friends that are younger. It just happened that we met and got along well, but most people looking for new friends usually prefer someone around their age. This 38 year old guy, whom I had already noticed on a dating site, posted as well and wanted to be her friend. Personally, I think, that is just pathetic. Edited August 31, 2013 by PlumPrincess 1
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