youaretheone Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 Here is the short story: - Met this girl at a trip, clicked well, hanged out and talked all day long, had great chemistry. - Took her out on a date, she initiated the first kiss and said it feels very comfortable with me, I replied it feels very right with her. She suggests cooking together at her place for the second date. For some reason, she tells me that she wants to take things slow and asks if it is ok with me. I say "of course, not a problem." - She leaves town to visit her family for a week, before a possible second date. I decide to call her every other day but after she initiates texts and calls with me everyday, I decide to keep the contact every day. We text or call each other and she initiates half of them during the week. She still sounds very interested. - In our phone conversation last night, the topic is about our fears and she opens up to me about very personal things, such as her insecurities and fear of being in front of public. I also share with her some of mine. I am this romantic guy so at the end of our talk, I tell her about this white butterfly I have seen today, that looks like her and she says that she thinks it would be too romantic, which kind of puts me off. - After our phone call, I send her this text: "Thank you for opening up to me about your fears tonight. I feel pleasure in getting to know the real you, with all ups and downs. It means a lot to me.". I don't get a reply. Tonight, I call her and she does not call back. In the end, this is who I am. I like being honest and upfront about my feelings and it makes me happy to let other person know about them but I realize that this might have scared her off somehow. What do you think and how do you think I should proceed?
HappyLove Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 Give it a few days and then try to contact one more time. If she ignores you again leave her alone. Some people are just emotionally unavailable so get out while you can. Maybe she wants a guy who will treat her like crap not one who is romantic. At the end of the day you have to be yourself. I'm sure you will find a woman who will melt with your romance. 1
white Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 Sane people have no problem with honesty from other sane people. They appreciate it. It only falls apart when the un-sane receive or give honesty - the former because they can't handle it, the latter because what they'll be honest about will be wackadoo.
Author youaretheone Posted August 31, 2013 Author Posted August 31, 2013 Thank you for all the replies. Any other inputs? I feel very sad because it is very difficult to meet a person that clicks so well with you and that understands you. She even said she enjoyed our conversation very much at the end of our last phone call. Now I keep asking what are the chances that something urgent happened or she is in a hospital, etc.
Author youaretheone Posted August 31, 2013 Author Posted August 31, 2013 you supose to take the lead. all I hear is she took the lead.. and maybe she do those things to give you a hint or because she dont know how to tell you that you need to step up. or she dont feel you. but she force it and think by open up it may get better and you may do the right thing to make her fall for you. as a men you need to step up. its not to her to plan her own party. I have no idea how this is related to my case. Did you even read my post?
Author youaretheone Posted August 31, 2013 Author Posted August 31, 2013 Good news: She texted me today, not referring to my previous text, telling me what she is doing and asking me how I am. I want to cool things down a little and take the pressure off her, if there has been any. I think this will also help me avoid putting her on a pedestal and clinging onto her existence. I would appreciate your advice on how to proceed after this point on.
heartshaped Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 I think perhaps she just isn't ready for any heavy romance. This doesn't mean you have to be dishonest. Just for now keep things light. 2
curlygirl40 Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 I think perhaps she just isn't ready for any heavy romance. This doesn't mean you have to be dishonest. Just for now keep things light. I agree with this. In the getting to know you better stage, it seems a little disingenuous or forced for someone to be 'so romantic'. It doesn't mean you can't be honest, it just means to hold back that side of you a little until you're further along. I understand that 'this is who I am' but from reading your OP, you've only been on one date. Slow down. I'm glad she got back in touch with you. I wish you well 1
curlygirl40 Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 Good news: She texted me today, not referring to my previous text, telling me what she is doing and asking me how I am. I want to cool things down a little and take the pressure off her, if there has been any. I think this will also help me avoid putting her on a pedestal and clinging onto her existence. I would appreciate your advice on how to proceed after this point on. Well she's already told you that she wants to take it slow, so do that. Don't get ahead of yourself. Don't smother her or be too needy. If she senses you're coming on too strong, she might run. Think of her like a deer in your back yard. Come at her too quickly and she'll get spooked. Initiate to let her know you're interested, ask her out on another date, but don't smother her or come on too strong. And save the romance until later. 1
todreaminblue Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 Some times when you open up to people you can't deal with how vulnerable a position you put yourself in, i dont think it was with what you said that was sweet,dont feel it is why she hasnt you answered i think it is more about what she said......i strongly feel this.... the fact you reinforced her vulnerability by saying" thanks for letting me see the real you" she may not be ready for you to see that ...its early days.....if she is insecure, then it may take a little time before you know her, and her telling you one thing isnt the real her.....its just something that happened....its not who she is......that knowing the real person takes time...more than a weeks worth of dates.....sometimes it takes months to know someone intimately...its not in what has happened to them in the world, its how they see the world after things have happened to them....and even then after months.....doesnt mean you get it right and that will send you crazy.....trust me...best wishes....deb. 1
Woop1337 Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 Good news: She texted me today, not referring to my previous text, telling me what she is doing and asking me how I am. I want to cool things down a little and take the pressure off her, if there has been any. I think this will also help me avoid putting her on a pedestal and clinging onto her existence. I would appreciate your advice on how to proceed after this point on. Being honest and being open are two different things. You shouldn't have said any of those heavy romantic stuff so quickly. If she was your girlfriend already, yeah go ahead. But after the first date? C'mon man, show some self control. I'm not saying that your feelings are wrong, just don't verbalize them. Most likely you scared her off. But since she contacted you, there still hope, hopefully anyway. So relax on the heavy stuff, wait a couple of days, ask her on another date. And don't talk about your hang ups, with her. There's time for that in the future when she's your gf. Keep light and positive. When she starts to talk about her hang ups, do your best to change the subject. 2
PlumPrincess Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 - In our phone conversation last night, the topic is about our fears and she opens up to me about very personal things, such as her insecurities and fear of being in front of public. I also share with her some of mine. I am this romantic guy so at the end of our talk, I tell her about this white butterfly I have seen today, that looks like her and she says that she thinks it would be too romantic, which kind of puts me off. - After our phone call, I send her this text: "Thank you for opening up to me about your fears tonight. I feel pleasure in getting to know the real you, with all ups and downs. It means a lot to me.". I don't get a reply. Tonight, I call her and she does not call back. In the end, this is who I am. I like being honest and upfront about my feelings and it makes me happy to let other person know about them but I realize that this might have scared her off somehow. What do you think and how do you think I should proceed? Sounds needy and anxious. Also, your username is way too much. I doubt that it has anything to do with real romance, but more with having way too many expectations about your future partner.
todreaminblue Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 Good news: She texted me today, not referring to my previous text, telling me what she is doing and asking me how I am. I want to cool things down a little and take the pressure off her, if there has been any. I think this will also help me avoid putting her on a pedestal and clinging onto her existence. I would appreciate your advice on how to proceed after this point on. take it slow.........good luck 1
PlumPrincess Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 I also do find the comment to be way too personal and intrusive. "The real me" is not something that people know after a couple of talks, even when I have revealed some of my insecurities. I find it especially annoying when it's someone who does not know that much about me, but thinks he does. And her reaction to your comment about the butterfly shows that you do not have a good enough grasp of her. 1
Succession Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 I am this romantic guy so at the end of our talk, I tell her about this white butterfly I have seen today, that looks like her and she says that she thinks it would be too romantic, which kind of puts me off. - After our phone call, I send her this text: "Thank you for opening up to me about your fears tonight. I feel pleasure in getting to know the real you, with all ups and downs. It means a lot to me." If this is what you said that was "too honest," it may have been due to how you said it rather than what you said. Both your butterfly comment and her reply seem uncomfortable to me. So, I agree with your plan to just keep it light. It's self-indulgent and self-defeating to open up to her emotionally early on. If your goal is to get her interested, it can only set you back. People are always claiming they are "too honest." It's kind of a humblebrag. Usually those people are undisciplined terms of keeping appropriate info to themselves. When someone asks you a personal question, the truly honest answer is "none of your business." I have no idea how this is related to my case. Did you even read my post? I'm not sure why people post here who don't speak English, but I think she was trying to help. Don't be a dick. Your username is way too much. I think referring to yourself as a princess disqualifies you from offering this tidbit of wisdom. 1
Author youaretheone Posted August 31, 2013 Author Posted August 31, 2013 the fact you reinforced her vulnerability by saying" thanks for letting me see the real you" she may not be ready for you to see that ...its early days.....if she is insecure, then it may take a little time before you know her, and her telling you one thing isnt the real her.....its just something that happened....its not who she is......that knowing the real person takes time...more than a weeks worth of dates.....sometimes it takes months to know someone intimately...its not in what has happened to them in the world, its how they see the world after things have happened to them....and even then after months.....doesnt mean you get it right and that will send you crazy.....trust me...best wishes....deb. Thank you for your detailed answer. Of course, as most people wrote here, it is not real her and it is impossible to really know a person after spending two dates with them. It is a long progress, even when you are in a relationship. I felt like saying that because I thought she deserves to know that telling me about her insecurities won't make her any worse in my eyes. When I said getting to know real her, I meant the process and that is more to come. I wanted to make sure that she knows I won't judge her because of her insecurities. Let's admit it. Many of us are scared of talking about our insecurities with a new partner, in fear that they would judge us and we would push them away. Because I felt a connection with her and I care about her, I did not want her to feel bad about opening up to me. In the end, I didn't want her to feel that vulnerability towards me. I am a believer that relationships are built upon comfort, understanding and acceptance.
Author youaretheone Posted August 31, 2013 Author Posted August 31, 2013 (edited) I also do find the comment to be way too personal and intrusive. "The real me" is not something that people know after a couple of talks, even when I have revealed some of my insecurities. I find it especially annoying when it's someone who does not know that much about me, but thinks he does. And her reaction to your comment about the butterfly shows that you do not have a good enough grasp of her. Please read my reply above. It also addresses your comment. I appreciate you sharing your advice but I wouldn't want to be judged by a username that I used to register to this website years ago. It does not have to reflect my personality and it is not the point of our discussion here. Edited August 31, 2013 by youaretheone
Author youaretheone Posted August 31, 2013 Author Posted August 31, 2013 Sounds needy and anxious. Also, your username is way too much. I doubt that it has anything to do with real romance, but more with having way too many expectations about your future partner. I agree that I have many expectations from the beginning. We have this great connection with her and that made me idealize her in my head. That might also be why I am so upfront with her about my feelings.
Author youaretheone Posted August 31, 2013 Author Posted August 31, 2013 People are always claiming they are "too honest." It's kind of a humblebrag. Usually those people are undisciplined terms of keeping appropriate info to themselves. When someone asks you a personal question, the truly honest answer is "none of your business." Thank you for your answer. I think the difference between those people and me is that I intentionally want the other person to know that, not because it slips from my mouth or anything, because I think it is the right way to build a strong connection between two people. To be honest (wow, I said honest again), I am tired of people playing games with each other during the dating stage, later to get hurt more when they are in a serious relationship with a person when they find out about their real character they have been polishing until there is a commitment. Then it makes things much worse, because it is more difficult to leave. That is why I want to make everything open from the beginning. However, then I have to face the consequences and come and write on this forum, seeking advice.
fanine Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 Thank you for your answer. I think the difference between those people and me is that I intentionally want the other person to know that, not because it slips from my mouth or anything, because I think it is the right way to build a strong connection between two people. To be honest (wow, I said honest again), I am tired of people playing games with each other during the dating stage, later to get hurt more when they are in a serious relationship with a person when they find out about their real character they have been polishing until there is a commitment. Then it makes things much worse, because it is more difficult to leave. That is why I want to make everything open from the beginning. However, then I have to face the consequences and come and write on this forum, seeking advice. I think there is a difference between playing games and simply not revealing too much in the beginning. The latter is still being very honest, it is just a matter of letting feelings grow, feeling confident enough with the other person until you can show more of yourself etc.
todreaminblue Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 I am a believer that relationships are built upon comfort, understanding and acceptance. you are welcome and thanks for acknowledging my post....... this comment i left in quote of your post, is so true i had to repeat it.....relationships are built on acceptance and understanding,but to have acceptance you have to know who or what you are accepting, you cant build a home on earth that you are unsure of what is underneath thats why i always say to a guy if i take the plunge that is which i dont often..i say i like you more than a friend and i would like to get to know you...normally they are friends i have known for a while..... takes time and knowledge to build anything, youaretheone you will get there...i wish you well...deb
Author youaretheone Posted September 1, 2013 Author Posted September 1, 2013 According to some posters in this thread you are better off playing games like hard to get instead of connecting as a person. Good to know... I also never understood where the limit is, between connecting with a person and not pressurizing them into commitment too soon. It is a paradox in itself: People tell me not to reveal a lot about myself until I am exclusive with them but trusting a person enough and connecting with them truly requires me to know them with all their positives and negatives, not only their shiny sides they show me until we are in a committed relationship. Personally, I respect someone more when I know their insecurities and how they deal with them. It tells me a lot about that person. If they hide those from me until I get serious with them (which means playing games with me), it will make it a lot harder for me to get over afterwards. I really enjoy the process of getting to know someone slowly but it should be totally transparent to me.
PlumPrincess Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 I also never understood where the limit is, between connecting with a person and not pressurizing them into commitment too soon. You read the non-verbal signs and try to judge how interested that person is in hearing personal revelations about you, then you proceed. Overwhelming people with personal stories when they are not interested shows a disregard for their feelings and people will extrapolate that scenario to the future where they imagine you having a bad moment and bombarding them with your issues and needs because you feel like it regardless again of how they feel.
GravityMan Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 The "white butterfly" comment is too strong...and also sappy. I think many women would be a bit weirded out by that. Slow down. Just date her for now and try to have fun and enjoy her company. According to some posters in this thread you are better off playing games like hard to get instead of connecting as a person. Good to know... Him being advised to take it easy does not mean he has to play "hard to get" or any other games. He can still genuinely connect with women while being honest. It's not that hard. OP, do you have friends and/or an active social life that you engage in regularly? If so, keep doing that; if not try to become more active. This way your thoughts and mental state don't constantly revolve and cling around this woman...you'll have other things (ideally fun things) to keep you occupied. It's important, healthy and potentially attractive to others to have an active and engaging life of your own. 2
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