oldshirt Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 Here's my point, Marriage is for purpose of providing a safe, suitable and supportive home and environment for children. Period. You can get love and companionship and sexuality and help with rent etc etc from a million other sources but at it's core level, marriage is for two people to combine assets and resources for the purposes of bearing and raising children. Each party has an OBLIGATION TO THOSE CHILDREN to pick the best possible partner that they can to be the other parent. Daisy has realized she made a mistake and that he is not the best possible father for her children that she can get. She is obligated to them to ditch him and find a more suitable father for her future kids. Now for all we know, Mr Daisy may be an alright guy and maybe he is capable of morphing himself into a decent husband and father. But the stakes are too high for Daisy at this point and the stakes are too high for her future children. She can choose option A which is confronting her husband that he isn't father material and that he has to change his fundamental character and that then he has to change his family. The risk is it will take a $h!tton of work and a long time and there is a very high risk he will just go through the motions and make it look like he is changing his ways and then slip back into his old habits. and by the time she realizes he is slipping back, she will have used up the rest of her "pretty" and she will have a much harder time finding another suitable mate. Or she can choose option B now while she still has some "pretty" left and find a guy that is already a finished project and already is suitable father material now. NervisPervis' story is very heartfelt, very sincere, very personal and very compelling. I truly hope he can get over his feelings of despair and self-depreciation and realize that he isn't a bad person and that his life is NOT over by any stretch of the imagination. BUT - Daisy's obligation is not help her husband's journey of self-discovery and redemption. That's his job. Her obligation to provide the children that she will produce out of her own womb with the best possible father that she can. Her obligation to them is find them the best father, not to engineer one from someone who isn't father material in the first place. She already made one blunder in marrying this one in the first place. She can not afford to make another blunder in staying with him in hopes that he will undergo some kind of metamorphosis and turn into a suitable father.
oldshirt Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 FOR him, not in spite of the pain you will inflict. And it WILL almost kill him. It would have killed me at the time. But I'd be happy now and the woman I would have eventually married would be happy now with the kindler, gentler Nervis she would have created. All could have been just if my walk-away-wife could have summoned up the balls to actually leave me. So leave him, for HIM! In my usual fashion I rambled on too much. My bottomline here is Nervis and I are both saying to leave. As he was on your husband's side of things and is seeing it from your husband's perspective he is making a compelling case. My point is your husband is immaterial at this point. If you want to tell him why you are leaving as you are shutting the door behind you, that's your call. He may or may not "get it." Nervis "got it" but he was also 50 years old and had a lifetime of wisdom and experience under his belt. Will a 26 year old redneck 'get it'? I don't know and don't really care. My point is don't do it for him. Do it for your future children. Once you sign the divorce papers, you hold no more obligation to your husband anymore. However if you plan on having children, you are obligated to provide them with the best father that you can. You owe them that from the moment you decide to get naked and open up your legs until the day they die.
smoky eyes Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 Or she can choose option B now while she still has some "pretty" left and find a guy that is already a finished project and already is suitable father material now. ... Daisy's obligation is not help her husband's journey of self-discovery and redemption. That's his job. Her obligation to provide the children that she will produce out of her own womb with the best possible father that she can. Ok, people, she's TWENTY-SIX and probably has more "pretty" left than child-bearing years (and plenty of those as well) but in general I agree with your Oldshirt. In fact, her husband may be an absolutely fine guy and, mother aside, he may make a totally fine father, with SOMEONE ELSE, in the future. Or maybe not. The feeling I get from this is that they are bad together. I definitely agree that she owes it to her future children to bring them up in an environment that will be healthy for everyone concerned. 1
crederer Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 (edited) He sounds abusive. Was he always this way with you? If so, why did you marry him? If not, what's changed in his life to cause him to react this way? Also, is it possible that because of different backgrounds, his outbursts may not be as bad as you think? For example, my mother left my dad because she thought he yelled and screamed a lot and had a temper problem. The truth is, he is just an old school guy. Never screamed, he would raise his voice from time to time but it was always for a pretty justifiable reason. Now I'm quite a bit more toned down than my father, but anytime I had an issue with my ex, I'd talk about it calmly and if I was really upset, I wouldn't raise my voice but I'd say something sternly. She'd always get all worked up and say "stop yelling!" and it was like, wtf, I'm talking with the same volume as I always do you just know I'm upset and it scares you. She got scared when any male was even remotely upset because she grew up in a home with 5 women, and her father didn't have a single disciplinary bone in his body. They were all daddy's girls and in his eyes all princesses that could do no wrong and received little to no punishment their whole life. Just saying, I dunno if these situations apply to you, but sometimes looking at things from a different perspective may shed some light. Edited September 2, 2013 by crederer
Recommended Posts