I don't want to have children with my husband

[Daisy7]

After so much thinking and what not, i have decided that i strongly feel my husband is not the best person to have a child with. I love him very much but we disagree on many things specially when it comes to parenting views. Although we agreed to wait, i really do not want to have kids with him. ofcourse i dare not tell him this. There are many reasons why and one of them is him been a tad aggressive when mad ok maybe a lot more than tad and possessive. My fear is that i don't want to have kids and having them suffer because of my husband's character. I worry of how he would be and i don't even want to risk it. Like for example if i tell him not to do something or if i bring up a better option that will help he easily gets mad and screams and yells and is just a very difficult individual to deal with.

 

I mean we have had many ups and downs but i can handle it on my own i dont however feel i can handle it with a child or two in between and him pulling them back and forth with me when i feel stronger with parenting views than he. (his mother i would never leave my kids with her if i were to have one, she is not the most hygiene person, her house is disgusting with dog urine even on the beds and all over everywhere its just gross and this woman is difficult as you would know if you read my previous post) I dont know if any of this makes any sense. am so confused and uncomfortable i just really see that he is not the person i would want to have kids with and the idea is just not there for me to want to have children with him. We were brought up differently i would never dare to leave my child with his parents, that alone would be an issue, and so many other things. I just dont know what to do but i really dont want to have kids with my husband not now not ever.

i ofcourse dare not to tell him this.

[DustinTheWind85]

Honestly, having kids isn't the issue here, yet. Of course you should wait, in your situation. It's a very logical decision you came to.

 

Your guy has an anger problem. He needs help learning other ways to deal with and communicate his frustration and anger. Everyone gets hiccups in the mind because of the crap we have to go through, so I certainly throw no judgment at anyone. You, however, shouldn't have to deal with this. You can help him deal with it, but by not getting help from a professional (they deal with this stuff all day and everyday, trust me) you are letting him put his lack of self-control on your shoulders.

 

It may be difficult to get him to concede to go, and then to actually get him to go and continue the therapy, but it is for the best. The benefits your relationship will receive if you get the opportunity to actually appreciate the good qualities of your man, instead of trying to peek around his bad quality to see them, will be immense.

[smoky eyes]

One of my issues with my ex was that I didn't really want kids with him because we had a conflict-ridden relationship on some levels, and also because I didn't really agree with his thoughts about women and their motivations and so on.

 

Anyway, I left him, and I'm sure that will be for the best for my future offspring. I don't know what your thoughts on staying with your husband are...

[Daisy7]

DustinTheWind85:

 

my husband would not go to a professional, remember some people just dont see the issue and when confronted they become insulted etc.. counseling, etc its not an option which i feel would help but he wont go.

 

Smoky eyes:

 

sometimes i really really don't want to be in a marriage at all, because from the conflicts time to time, specially his mother is another issue that is driving me to the edge. There are days when we have fights that i just want to quit. The decision you made in your past relationship is a decision i definitely agree with but my situation is so complicated and it saddens me because i do want children just not with him and it hurts me because he is my husband. But he is just so difficult and at times is his way or the highway.

 

am lost here, i know professional help and all that but it is not an option to consider he wont give in to that and is something i cant even bring up without him getting defensive and angry. am not scared of him or anything i just dont know what to do. I really do love him and he is a great man too and he does love me and care about me, but the other side of his personality is terrible and i dont want my child around him. Plus his mother is manipulative and controlling as well and my husband does not see this.

[pie2]

Daisy, I too admire your sound, logical decision. You seem so wise. I feel so sad about your situation, but I know that, whatever happens, you will find a solution.

 

Daisy, Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a controversial author (and past radio host). I'm not sure what you think of her, but I think there is a grain of truth to her message. I used to listen to her on the radio, and she would talk about the power that women really hold in the marriage relationship. She says that men are pretty simple creatures, and really only want some simple, basic things in life (like sex, food, and respect).

 

She says that if you approach your husband in the right way, you have A LOT of power and influence in the relationship. I think one of her books is, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands".

 

Anyway, life is short Daisy. Women really have a pretty short window of opportunity to have kids. I don't want you to regret anything by waiting around for this guy, and not taking any kind of action.

 

Best of luck.

[ChooseTruth]

It's your right to decide not to have kids with him but I definitely think you should inform him of this game changer to be fair. Maybe he wants to find someone who WILL have kids with him. Deception is such an awful thing, can waste years of multiple people's lives.

[dichotomy]

You don't state your ages - but if both of you do want kids - end your marriage right now. It is the fair thing to him and to you. A divorce, even a simple one will be hard, and time consuming. Then you need to clear your head, restart your life, start dating, find someone, get married, try to have children. We are talking maybe 2-3 years at least to find the next opportunity to have children. So get going - its for the best for both of you. I know this situation and time is a wasting.

[oldshirt]

Daisy, I too admire your sound, logical decision. You seem so wise. I feel so sad about your situation, but I know that, whatever happens, you will find a solution.

 

Daisy, Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a controversial author (and past radio host). I'm not sure what you think of her, but I think there is a grain of truth to her message. I used to listen to her on the radio, and she would talk about the power that women really hold in the marriage relationship. She says that men are pretty simple creatures, and really only want some simple, basic things in life (like sex, food, and respect).

 

She says that if you approach your husband in the right way, you have A LOT of power and influence in the relationship. I think one of her books is, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands".

 

Anyway, life is short Daisy. Women really have a pretty short window of opportunity to have kids. I don't want you to regret anything by waiting around for this guy, and not taking any kind of action.

 

Best of luck.

 

I've listened to hundreds of hours of Dr Laura and read some of her books including, "The Proper Care....."

 

I think this would be one case where Dr Laura would probably advise divorce or at least choosing a childless life and dedicating the OP to becoming involved with nieces and nephews etc.

 

"The Proper Care.." is about keeping husbands and wives invested in each other and keeping themselves invested in the marriage PROVIDED IT IS A HEALTHY, FUNCTIONAL MARRIAGE AND THAT BOTH PEOPLE ARE FUNDAMENTALLY HEALTHY DECENT PEOPLE IN THE FIRST PLACE.

 

This is likely not a healthy functional marriage in the first place and the OP husband is likely a lot more abusive and neglectful than she is letting on.

 

Dr Laura is a strong advocate of women screening men and selecting them based on their abilities to be a good husband and father and she is very quick to chastise women who picked their husband based on how much they made their jay-jays tingle when they met them.

 

This would be one instance that Dr Laura would likely advocate a civil divorce and doing a better job of selecting a better father for her children.

[oldshirt]

It's your right to decide not to have kids with him but I definitely think you should inform him of this game changer to be fair. Maybe he wants to find someone who WILL have kids with him. Deception is such an awful thing, can waste years of multiple people's lives.

 

 

The thing is if she tells him she wants a divorce because he wouldn't be a good father, he will just counter by saying that he will and that he will stop being abusive and will morph into something that he is not.

 

She'll be somewhat obligated at that point to try to give him the time to change and to "work on it."

 

That will burn up more time and in the end he will still be an abusive hillbilly from the other side of the tracks.

 

She screwed up when she married him and married the wrong person for the wrong reasons. Sometimes it's better to just clean up your own mess and move on.

 

IMHO there is no reason she needs to smear his face in this. "Irreconcilable Differences" is a perfectly valid grounds for divorce.

 

If she tries to tell him the reasons she wants a divorce, he'll just tell her all the reasons she is wrong.

 

This is a case that it would be best to just git'er done and drop the ax as quickly, cleanly and efficiently as possible.

[Keenly]

What stood out to me is you said " when I tell my husband not to do something, he gets mad "

 

 

Are you treating your husband like a child, mothering him, or are you treating him like a mate.

[KathyM]

I have to wonder how well you knew this man before you married him. Didn't you ever meet his mother before marrying him? Didn't you get a sense of what he was like (difficult, overbearing, uncompromising) before you married him? In any case, the condition of his mother's house is no grounds for denying children. That is easy to circumvent by not having the children over there. She can come to see them at your place or out somewhere. As far as his difficult temperament, he can learn new habits if he is motivated enough. He can learn parenting techniques, conflict resolution, and anger management. I teach those things to my clients in counseling frequently. You say he won't get counseling. Maybe you can explain to him your concerns that his attitudes are going to make it difficult to be effective parents, and you want to work on these issues before you become parents. Or you could express your reservations about bringing kids into the marriage and see if he is agreeable to foregoing raising a family. Maybe he would be. In either case, you need to talk to him about this ASAP so that you are both on the same page about it, whether to forego parenting or to work on parenting skills. Maybe if he realizes he'll need to work on those issues before you are comfortable with bringing children into the world, he will be motivated to have counseling for this. These topics are often the subject of counseling, and there is help out there for that. Good luck.

[smoky eyes]

Daisy: They're all good men on some level. My ex was a great person, and I think I'm a great person. Together, we would have created an angst-ridden, fraught atmosphere to have raised kids in.

 

I know it's never difficult to just leave, and without knowing your circumstances I can't even say for sure if that's what you should do, but if you want kids, and you don't think they should be with him, then....

 

It's always sad and difficult. I feel for you.

[candie13]

your issue isn't that you don't want to have children with your husband, but it appears you don't really want to be married to him.

 

that's the real issue. I don't know your age, but I tell you that, you're not gonna be 20 or 30 forever and you aren't gonna meet a man who can make you happy / or give you children, if you continue to stay married.

 

just a thought

[Daisy7]

Thank you everyone for all the responses.,

 

KathyM: Ive known him for 8 years, and you are right about the whole his mother's house is easily avoidable by having her visit instead but trust me his mother is very manipulative and dominant (which i can kind of see now where he gets it from) this will be an issue down the line because his mom throws these little am depressed scenarios and everyone feels bad for her and does what she says (i dont know if you understand what am trying to say) so this alone will be a huge problem as it already is starting to be in my marriage.

 

aside from that I just feel that after all this time i thought he would change and he is still immature. I don't want to waste time, but i don't want to give up on my marriage either. There are days that i just want to quit but there are days i want to try harder because the day i married him was the happiest day. I do love him i just dont want to walk away, but i honestly feel more and more that i don't want to have kids with him and its eating me up inside because i feel stuck.

 

we are both 26yrs old. you guys are right about the waiting around is not going to help anythng but am so stuck. We love each other but he doesn't prove to me to be the person i want to have children with. One point i did until after i got married now its so clear to me that i dont want to. His mother is breathing down my neck to to have children and am at the point already that next time she tells me to go get pregnant am just going to rudely tell her when your son retires and we are in our 40s i MIGHT think about it!! Darn it dont rush me thats my business! just to get her off my back since the nice way does not seem to work.

 

am so frustrated and sad, i really dont know what to do. I can try and talk to him about it but he wont change thats just his character. I just dont want to have fights and kids in the way to suffer through it.

Edited September 1, 2013 by Daisy7

[FitChick]

Give yourself (and maybe tell him) a time frame for change. Make sure you have several really good types of birth control, too. The last thing you want is to get pregnant and have a kid. Then you will really be stuck. AND you will still have Grandma to deal with even if you got a divorce.

 

You are young enough to start over. You can still love him but you don't have to stay married to him.

[pie2]

This would be one instance that Dr Laura would likely advocate a civil divorce and doing a better job of selecting a better father for her children.

 

I agree that Dr. Laura advocates that people should avoid these problems by picking the right person in the first place, and that her books are geared towards non-abusive/addicted people.

 

But I have really conservative views on marriage, at least compared to most, I guess. I think people jump to the quick-fix divorce way too much. But more often than not, people are just destined to repeat the same mistakes they made in the first place, if they don't get to the heart of the matter.

 

If the OP is in an abusive situation, and fears her personal safety, then she needs to remove herself from that situation. But before the "divorce" idea is brought up, I think more couples should give it their ALL. Meaning, even a period of separation, going to IC, MC (if possible), read books...anything that can be done to try and salvage the relationship.

 

I just think marriage vows are really serious things.

[KathyM]

Thank you everyone for all the responses.,

 

KathyM: Ive known him for 8 years, and you are right about the whole his mother's house is easily avoidable by having her visit instead but trust me his mother is very manipulative and dominant (which i can kind of see now where he gets it from) this will be an issue down the line because his mom throws these little am depressed scenarios and everyone feels bad for her and does what she says (i dont know if you understand what am trying to say) so this alone will be a huge problem as it already is starting to be in my marriage.

 

aside from that I just feel that after all this time i thought he would change and he is still immature. I don't want to waste time, but i don't want to give up on my marriage either. There are days that i just want to quit but there are days i want to try harder because the day i married him was the happiest day. I do love him i just dont want to walk away, but i honestly feel more and more that i don't want to have kids with him and its eating me up inside because i feel stuck.

 

we are both 26yrs old. you guys are right about the waiting around is not going to help anythng but am so stuck. We love each other but he doesn't prove to me to be the person i want to have children with. One point i did until after i got married now its so clear to me that i dont want to. His mother is breathing down my neck to to have children and am at the point already that next time she tells me to go get pregnant am just going to rudely tell her when your son retires and we are in our 40s i MIGHT think about it!! Darn it dont rush me thats my business! just to get her off my back since the nice way does not seem to work.

 

am so frustrated and sad, i really dont know what to do. I can try and talk to him about it but he wont change thats just his character. I just dont want to have fights and kids in the way to suffer through it.

You need to work this out through marriage counseling. Marriage counseling can help you and your husband to set better boundaries with your mother-in-law. It can help with conflict resolution. It can teach you and your husband parenting skills. It can improve your relationship with your husband. I would suggest making every effort to keep the marriage together before ever considering divorce. As the poster above me said, marriage should be taken very seriously, and all too often couples give up too easily, only to find they are no better off after leaving. You said you love your husband, so I think you owe it to yourself, your husband and the marriage to try to overcome these issues, and they can be overcome if you are both motivated. You said he has anger issues. That is something that can be overcome with therapy. You and your husband can learn conflict resolution. Same thing with parenting, and setting appropriate boundaries with your mother-in-law. Don't give up on your marriage without making an honest attempt to resolve these issues through counseling.

[Eve]

If you want children but feel sure that this man is not suitable, seperate with a view to try MC - but don't hold your breath. These scenarios happen even to the best off us. Chalk it up as a valuable lesson learned if he does not to respond to MC, or if you simply do not want to be with him. All things aside that is what matters and should be the foundation of any decison made. I don't think that a long list off errors or miscommunications are needed to validate any decision. Not wanting to be with him is enough, married or not.

 

I think you know this is a bad situation with little likelihood off success. Vows only work if both people are on the same page and willing to really put in the work. Obviously it is better if things can be resolved but don't pretend and waste away your life.

 

In a years time things will be clearer but not so if you are trying to work this out with him in your space. Marriage should not mean being emotionally and physically tied to someone who could rob you off a dream.

 

There is no substitute to having children if you are so inclined.

 

.. but I don't take any crap..

 

Take care,

Eve x

Edited September 1, 2013 by Eve

[candie13]

both hubby and his mom want to manipulate you into having their way. What easier way to get the upper hand than a grandchild?

 

think hard and formulate your requests into clear demands:

 

- you two need to move out in two months (four, whatever)

- he needs to actively work on his anger - and you want to see results (with dates)

 

This is a force negotiation, so you might want to think the terms of that. What are you willing to do, if your hubby does not conform?

 

Listen, nothing changes until we do. So far you are bitter, angry and unhappy. Get some action into place to change that. And stay on those pills days and night.

[smoky eyes]

The mere fact of leaving him or seeming to leave him may be the shock he needs to get into gear and agree to counselling. If even that won't make him consider it, it's probably not worth going back.

[smoky eyes]

Maybe I'm pushing the "leave him" theme too much, based on my past experiences. I just feel that the men in our lives can be wonderful people but can also waste a lot of our time. You're 26, you have plenty of time, but don't let him string you along for a decade, you know?

[oldshirt]

I agree that Dr. Laura advocates that people should avoid these problems by picking the right person in the first place, and that her books are geared towards non-abusive/addicted people.

 

But I have really conservative views on marriage, at least compared to most, I guess. I think people jump to the quick-fix divorce way too much. But more often than not, people are just destined to repeat the same mistakes they made in the first place, if they don't get to the heart of the matter.

 

If the OP is in an abusive situation, and fears her personal safety, then she needs to remove herself from that situation. But before the "divorce" idea is brought up, I think more couples should give it their ALL. Meaning, even a period of separation, going to IC, MC (if possible), read books...anything that can be done to try and salvage the relationship.

 

I just think marriage vows are really serious things.

 

Counseling, books, communication etc etc do not change people's core characters.

 

The only thing that can change someone's character and attitude come's from within and then only with a ton of hard work and dedication and possibly over a period of years.

 

In this case Daisy has to weigh whether her husband will actually be able to hear her issues and have them soak into him and then whether he will actually put forth the effort and dedication it will take to turn himself into someone that would be a worthy husband and father to her children.

 

Yes, she should have put better forethought and selection into who she married but sometimes you have to give credit for realizing a mistake and correcting it.

[bubbaganoosh]

I don't know if this will help but in my younger days, teens, 20's and early 30's, I was not the most patient person in the world. I had a temper but not where I would resort to violence or anything like that. I was married twice and my first wife wasn't a bundle of puppies if you know what I mean and when we had our baby girl, I started to mellow out some what but still wasn't the most patient guy.

 

When I remarried, my second wife presented me with another little girl. Now maybe I was 10 years older being that I was 38 at this time but when I got my first chance to hold my little girl, I melted. That little baby would look at me and I would get weak in the knees. She could crap on my head and I wouldn't think anything of it.

 

Now I'm not going to attempt to twist you arm about having kids but I know that little girl took the wind out of my sails in a big time way. Everybody is different but who knows. Maybe the same thing could happen to him. Only you know that and just to let you know that I'll support your decision. Good luck.

[oldshirt]

Beautiful story, and I am glad you are happy now, but not too many people would recommend bringing a baby into a mess like this in order to fix it.

 

Daisy, I highly recommend against it.

 

Add another vote against it!

 

Having a child with someone you don't love and are seriously contemplating leaving and one of the reasons you are considering leaving is because you know in your heart they would make a crappy parent and nonsupportive spouse, is not advisable.

[oldshirt]

Daisy. Don't take this wrong. But I don't care about you. You are just another one of the MILLIONS of married women that suddenly saw that prince charming was just a mere mortal after-all and now want out. And so far you are just like all of them in not telling him.

 

He is 26. He's married to a woman that has already fallen out of love with him but won't admit it. Get out now for BOTH OF YOU. You can both start over.

 

And yes, do it for HIM. If you want to learn from me, read on.

 

I was a bad person. WAS a bad person. Temper like your man. I would say some mean things as a joke. I didn't show her the love she deserved.

 

Then, at almost 50 years old I tried to fix what I thought was a rut in my otherwise perfect marriage. She was my life, my soul mate. Whatever was wrong we could fix because the love was there. The foundation.

 

Well, after a few months of getting some traction, I still saw that she just wasn't really into fixing this. She wouldn't tell me why. But after days of insisting she try to work with me and asking why it seemed she wasn't, she said two or three sentences that crashed my world. It doesn't matter what those words were, but in that one horrible instance, I realized that she hadn't loved me in years. Possibly decades, possibly never. And it wasn't going to change.

 

Try absorbing that at 50 with three teenage kids, a beer belly and no hair. My life was over, and the 4 years since that date have proven it. I'm not finding another woman any time soon. And even if I could, I'm not destroying my family just becasue she doesn't love me.

 

Oh, and my problems? They were fixed instantaneously when that kick in the gut I described above rewrote my DNA. There is NO WAY I was going to continue the behavior that led to the disintegration of my marriage, my life. My temper is not gone, but it is very rare, short and not nearly as explosive as it once was. Cruel jokes became a thing of the past immediately. I still don't offer her the love she needs, but that's only because she has made it clear she doesn't want it.

 

If I could have one wish in life, it would be that at 26, with no kids, and my ENTIRE LIFE ahead of me, I could have learned that lesson that I learned too late at 50. My life was over by the time my wife "helped" me. You can do it for him, for YOU, at 26. Your life may seem like a mess right now, but I envy you. I envy your husband. Just do it right. Make sure he knows why you are leaving him.

 

FOR him, not in spite of the pain you will inflict. And it WILL almost kill him. It would have killed me at the time. But I'd be happy now and the woman I would have eventually married would be happy now with the kindler, gentler Nervis she would have created. All could have been just if my walk-away-wife could have summoned up the balls to actually leave me.

 

So leave him, for HIM!

 

This does happen millions of times the whole world over. People see the light AFTER the last song has been played. And this is one of the biggest challenges that people encounter is how to get their spouse to actually hear them and realize what is at stake and to take action to correct it.

 

That being said Nervis, I do think you are being a little too harsh on yourself. Were you the perfect spouse and the ultimate human being? No, none of are. But there is no way to say that if you had corrected whatever behavior she was bitching about, that she would have stayed and you two would have lived perfectly ever after.

 

She had to tell you some reason why she wasn't blissful and why she was leaving. That is just the one she picked (or one of a laundry list, but the one that caught your focus)

 

Very realistic chance you could have corrected that and she would have left because she didn't like how you clipped your toenails in the living room or left the rags laying in the garage after waxing the car.

 

And even if her complaints were legit and valid, I guarantee you a million other spouses have left their partners for far less serious infractions.

 

But here is where I am going with this, Did the former Mrs Nervis ever tell you that she didn't want to be married to you anymore and did not want to have kids with you because she knew that you would not make a suitable parent and that your family would not be able and willing to provide the support and backing that she wanted from a spouse's side of the family?????

 

Here's my point, Marriage is for purpose of providing a safe, suitable and supportive home and environment for children. Period.

 

You can get love and companionship and sexuality and help with rent etc etc from a million other sources but at it's core level, marriage is for two people to combine assets and resources for the purposes of bearing and raising children.

 

Each party has an OBLIGATION TO THOSE CHILDREN to pick the best possible partner that they can to be the other parent.

 

Daisy has realized she made a mistake and that he is not the best possible father for her children that she can get. She is obligated to them to ditch him and find a more suitable father for her future kids.