WS, OW, now D Lessons Learned

[ageofaquarius]

Yup, I have been a WS and an OW and am now divorced--I'm not sure which forum this belongs in. A little over one year ago I wrote about whether or not to tell the xMM's wife about our affair and about my remorse as a WS. I mentioned that I would like to try and provide insight into the insanity of an affair, from the WS perspective but I don't think I had still figured out why I did what I did, at that time. But now, almost 2 yrs. post Dday, I have so much clarity, regret, shame and I am trying to move on. So on the off chance that I can give back and be of support, here's my story.

 

I had been married for 20+ years and then began a 2 yr. affair with a colleague. I wrote about it (under another name) on the OW/OM forum with all of the usual nauseating verbage about how he made me feel alive, appreciated etc. H found out and we made a brief attempt at R but then divorced one year later. The pain I caused him was devastating. He was broken; I was broken and it was my fault.

 

What I learned was that I had been a true coward. My H and I had serious problems in our M, of course, and I had been a 100% faithful wife for 20+ yrs. but problems in no way excuse an affair. In my case, the problems in my M were why I started looking, but looking and acting are two completely different things! We had gone to M counseling but instead of having the "guts" to D my H, I cheated. And the pain that resulted to him and to our children bc of my A was excruciating. The only "gift" I could give my H was as calm a D as possible and to take full responsibility for my actions. The D ended up being all about my A and none of the issues that had caused our problems in the first place. While at times I felt that was frustrating (especially bc friends and family only knew about the A and not the other stuff), I knew this was the price I had to pay. The last two years I have spent self-loathing, beating myself up and only comforted by the fact that my xH and I have remained very civil and that he is in a new relationship which seems to give him the happiness he deserves. I am having trouble moving on, but the healing is coming with time. I've gained a lot of weight, drink too much but am getting myself together. Please don't misunderstand, I am not looking for sympathy here, nor am I a martyr--I'm just offering, perhaps, insight and a different perspective. I will repeat over and over, there was no excuse for what I did.

 

I guess I just wanted to say to anyone who is going through this horrendous experience, I was a WS and I am a human being who made an inexcusable, selfish choice and I have learned from this experience. I know I never set out to hurt anyone--almost laughable as I write this--but I most certainly did. I wish my xH could've seen what a broken woman I was but now I'm on the mend and I hope others think long and hard about their actions before it's too late.

[BetrayedH]

I'm curious...do you still think divorce was the best route?

 

As a BH that was subsequently divorced, I often think that if my wife was truly remorseful, what I would have preferred (deserved) was a reconciled marriage. Divorcing me seemed insult to injury. I would have preferred to see her repair the damage she did rather than run from it. I don't think my wife did me any favors via divorce.

 

I'm also smart enough to know that situations vary. Just curious about your perspective now that you are somewhat removed from the immediate drama.

[ageofaquarius]

Hmmmm, good question. During the 6 months we tried to reconcile, he kept telling me that I needed to "do something" or as you put it, "repair the damage" but how? I didn't know what to do and when I would ask him, he would always say that I just needed to do SOMETHING! And for the life of me I didn't know what to do. I tried little things, like making a CD of songs that expressed my feelings, I spent hours listening to and accepting his rage. I tried to answer his questions truthfully, I never pressured him to "get over it". After 6 months, I felt completely pulvarized and just couldn't take it anymore, neither could he, so one night we both just said that's it. I couldn't give him whatever it was he needed and honestly, I couldn't take his rage without some glimmer of love, so we divorced and during those months, I guess I did see it as what he deserved.

Maybe he sees it differently? I don't know..sad to think about.

In your situation, what could your wife have done to repair the damage?

[compulsivedancer]

Hmmmm, good question. During the 6 months we tried to reconcile, he kept telling me that I needed to "do something" or as you put it, "repair the damage" but how? I didn't know what to do and when I would ask him, he would always say that I just needed to do SOMETHING! And for the life of me I didn't know what to do. I tried little things, like making a CD of songs that expressed my feelings, I spent hours listening to and accepting his rage. I tried to answer his questions truthfully, I never pressured him to "get over it". After 6 months, I felt completely pulvarized and just couldn't take it anymore, neither could he, so one night we both just said that's it. I couldn't give him whatever it was he needed and honestly, I couldn't take his rage without some glimmer of love, so we divorced and during those months, I guess I did see it as what he deserved.

Maybe he sees it differently? I don't know..sad to think about.

 

I think that's one think that's really difficult about an affair is that it has a way of overshadowing all of the problems in a marriage. It can be a great wakeup call and help the couples to work on their issues, or it can be a stumbling block that allows all other problems to be overlooked.

 

I imagine that the two of you would've had a more successful time working through your problems pre-affair, if that had been possible. Not necessarily.

 

In my case, there was a foundational issue that I had to change in myself in order to be successfully married (the fact that I wasn't fully committed). I didn't know it existed. Oddly, he DID, but since it had always been there, he never considered addressing it. He thought that if he loved me enough, it would make up for the fact that I didn't love him quite the same way as he loved me. If we could've somehow addressed this pre-A, it would've saved us a lot of trouble. But I'm not sure whether it could've really been addressed before I had true evidence and understanding of it. I'm not sure if that makes sense.

 

This in no way justified my A. I'm just not really sure how we could've avoided the A while still fixing the problem.

[ageofaquarius]

there was a foundational issue that I had to change in myself in order to be successfully married (the fact that I wasn't fully committed)

 

This is spot on and I didn't realize this either. For me too, I think there was also an element of not feeling deserving....

[2sunny]

Hmmmm, good question. During the 6 months we tried to reconcile, he kept telling me that I needed to "do something" or as you put it, "repair the damage" but how? I didn't know what to do and when I would ask him, he would always say that I just needed to do SOMETHING! And for the life of me I didn't know what to do. I tried little things, like making a CD of songs that expressed my feelings, I spent hours listening to and accepting his rage. I tried to answer his questions truthfully, I never pressured him to "get over it". After 6 months, I felt completely pulvarized and just couldn't take it anymore, neither could he, so one night we both just said that's it. I couldn't give him whatever it was he needed and honestly, I couldn't take his rage without some glimmer of love, so we divorced and during those months, I guess I did see it as what he deserved.

Maybe he sees it differently? I don't know..sad to think about.

In your situation, what could your wife have done to repair the damage?

 

In retrospect - what could you have been doing to restore his peace of mind?

[ageofaquarius]

I really wish I had that figured out. I tried to do the things a WS is supposed to do--transparency with emails, cell phone etc. I had NC (ironically the A had ended several months before dday), I changed jobs, but perhaps what was missing was a sense of desperately wanting reconciliation. Lots of therapy later, my therapist (who had been our M counselor before and during the A--cringe--) suggested perhaps my A was a passive/aggressive way of forcing an end to our marriage. In which case, my attempt at reconciliation was feeble...

[ChooseTruth]

In retrospect - what could you have been doing to restore his peace of mind?

^

THIS!

 

It's what we really want. I finally ended our marriage because I couldn't get peace of mind with her continuing to go to MA class with OM. It wasn't just that she wouldn't be around him either. It would have been a symbol, a massive sacrifice to PROVE her dedication. This MA she was involved in was a less common one, not like Karate where there's a dojo on every corner. She was pretty much going to have to quit the sport entirely. If should could have done that for me, and done it with love, I would have felt a lot more peace and security that she was with me for real.

 

One of our biggest problems was that I was the one figuring out what I needed, and then she'd judge my requests. If she had taken initiative I would have loved it. Read books, participated in discussions, taken real ACTION above and beyond being a normal wife. It was all she could do just to wear her wedding ring! Wooowwww, I'm so impressed honey You've really proven yourself there.

 

I read about one WW who bought a GPS device, put it in her car, and showed her H how to track her. Wow. The same woman berated their therapist when they criticized the BH for exposing the affair. This was a woman who had had a 10 year affair. When he first came to the board I was sure they were toast...until I kept seeing his reports of what she was doing to bring him peace of mind.

[2sunny]

It may be useful to post on other threads here - to help others. At the same time you may gain insight...

 

Either way - your experience and perspective can certainly help others.

[ChooseTruth]

Also you have to prove you can tell the truth even when it's hard to. That's another big topic. Not just the easy "I've been good!" truth.

[ChooseTruth]

I really wish I had that figured out. I tried to do the things a WS is supposed to do--transparency with emails, cell phone etc. I had NC (ironically the A had ended several months before dday), I changed jobs, but perhaps what was missing was a sense of desperately wanting reconciliation. Lots of therapy later, my therapist (who had been our M counselor before and during the A--cringe--) suggested perhaps my A was a passive/aggressive way of forcing an end to our marriage. In which case, my attempt at reconciliation was feeble...

 

That's way more than I got, I probably would have stayed given what you've said. Maybe he just couldn't forgive.

 

Also did you trickle truth much? That's a big one.

[BetrayedH]

Hmmmm, good question. During the 6 months we tried to reconcile, he kept telling me that I needed to "do something" or as you put it, "repair the damage" but how? I didn't know what to do and when I would ask him, he would always say that I just needed to do SOMETHING! And for the life of me I didn't know what to do. I tried little things, like making a CD of songs that expressed my feelings, I spent hours listening to and accepting his rage. I tried to answer his questions truthfully, I never pressured him to "get over it". After 6 months, I felt completely pulvarized and just couldn't take it anymore, neither could he, so one night we both just said that's it. I couldn't give him whatever it was he needed and honestly, I couldn't take his rage without some glimmer of love, so we divorced and during those months, I guess I did see it as what he deserved.

Maybe he sees it differently? I don't know..sad to think about.

In your situation, what could your wife have done to repair the damage?

 

First of all, thanks for the candid response. Not easy stuff.

 

I'll try to stick with a relatively short answer. My wife could have stopped lying, both about her breaches in NC and about the affair. Trickle-truth was a real killer for us. But that may not have been an issue for you. Much like your husband, I also looked for my wife to do some kind of "grand gesture." I didn't know what it was anymore than you two. I also knew it was elusive and so I let go of that thought in somewhat short order. The one thing she could have done was quit her job (affair was with her boss) but her unwillingness to do so led me to compromise on a transfer (which took 3 months and also had a lot to do with our failed reconciliation).

 

It didn't take long for me to settle of three requirements: (1) No lying (2) No contact and (3) No cheating. She violated both of the first two which made it impossible to trust her about the third.

 

I also expected her to commit for the long haul because I grew to believe that it does indeed take 2-5 years to reconcile. After about 6 months, it became clear that she needed me to be "better." I had PTSD, insomnia, and lost a lot of weight. She didn't use the words but it became more obvious over time that she needed me to be over it.

 

I think the critical problem for us was that she had checked out of the marriage about 2 years prior but I had no clue that we even had issues, let alone ones that were so severe to her. The fact is that she was so de-invested in the marriage by the time that I discovered the affair that there was no way she would have the patience for 2-5 years of repair, regardless of how much guilt, fear, or obligation was motivating her to stay.

 

I guess I have frustration because I know what the path to reconciliation looks like and in my mind, it was achievable. But it takes two to be fully committed to make it happen. She wasn't committed and so the end result for me was being cheated on AND divorced. I have some bitterness about her running away instead of staying and fixing it.

 

So much for the "short" answer. Your post just struck me because it's not the first time I've seen a WW divorce their BH and say that it was the best kindness they could offer them. It doesn't ring true to me but I understand that it doesn't mean you were disingenuous. In your case, it sounds as if it was a mutual decision. Oddly enough, it was mutual in ours as well. I couldn't handle her half-assed attempts anymore so I had no objections to the divorce.

 

Anyway, thanks for your time and candor. It's a subject I obviously still wrestle with a bit.

[compulsivedancer]

I guess I have frustration because I know what the path to reconciliation looks like and in my mind, it was achievable. But it takes two to be fully committed to make it happen. She wasn't committed and so the end result for me was being cheated on AND divorced. I have some bitterness about her running away instead of staying and fixing it.

 

This is one of H's biggest fears. That he'll put a year or two in and I won't be able to take it any more and leave. That's one of my biggest fears too. That after 2 years (or more), he'll decide he can't take it any longer and leave.

[BetrayedH]

This is one of H's biggest fears. That he'll put a year or two in and I won't be able to take it any more and leave. That's one of my biggest fears too. That after 2 years (or more), he'll decide he can't take it any longer and leave.

 

I think that is VERY common.

 

I think the problem it creates is a fear of speaking honestly for both parties. As a BH, I found myself choking down triggers. I didn't want to be visible about when they happened. I really started to just take ownership of them as my problem because I knew there was nothing my wife could really do about them. But if I'm being truly honest, I'm sure I also avoided sharing them out of fear that it would all just eventually prove to be too much for my wife to handle (which is a reasonable thing to consider since both of her feet had been out the door already). I suppose a comparable scenario for a WW would be sharing her true thoughts/feelings about the OM.

 

Of course, the best thing is to have as open communication as much as humanly possible but it always feels like such a risk.

 

It's funny to me how APs many times think that the reconciling couple just took the easy way out by staying together when the fact of the matter is that reconciliation is anything but easy for both parties. It's not for the faint of heart.

 

At the end of the day, I think if both spouses are trying and can manage to stay honest, they'll make it. It's avoiding the conflict that's really dangerous.

Edited August 31, 2013 by BetrayedH

[compulsivedancer]

I think the problem it creates is a fear of speaking honestly for both parties. As a BH, I found myself choking down triggers. I didn't want to be visible about when they happened. I really started to just take ownership of them as my problem because I knew there was nothing my wife could really do about them. But if I'm being truly honest, I'm sure I also avoided sharing them out of fear that it would all just eventually prove to be too much for my wife to handle (which is a reasonable thing to consider since both of her feet had been out the door already). I suppose a comparable scenario for a WW would be sharing her true thoughts/feelings about the OM.

 

I know that he doesn't always share them, but I usually try to coax them out of him when he's obviously upset. It usually helps both of us, even though it's painful.

 

I was pretty honest with him about my thoughts about OM. This was okay at first, but seems to be backfiring now, as I still am not where he wants me to be (which I think is unrealistic). At least he knows if I ever reach that point, that I really mean it.

 

Of course, the best thing is to have as open communication as much as humanly possible but it always feels like such a risk. I hear that.

 

(10 characters)

[oldshirt]

This is one of H's biggest fears. That he'll put a year or two in and I won't be able to take it any more and leave. That's one of my biggest fears too. That after 2 years (or more), he'll decide he can't take it any longer and leave.

 

And that is a very realistic and legitimate concern for all parties.

 

To use an analogy, sometimes an affair is like a real bad car wreck. The damage can be so extensive that the time, energy and expense of repairing it is greater than what it would be to just get a new one.

 

With enough time, energy and money most car wrecks can be fixed and back on the road but in the mean time you are without a car while it is in the shop and even when you get it back, it may not ever run the same and you just don't look at it with the same value and esteem that you did before the crash.

 

Sometimes people drive it for a year or two so they feel they got their money's worth out of the repair bill and then trade them in for a new one anyway.

 

Sometimes whether to repair the car depends on how extensive the damage is, how much it will cost to repair, how invested you were in the car before the wreck, how long it will be out of service getting fixed and how much you think you will appreciate having it again once you have it back.

 

Those are a lot of factors that have to be considered.

 

And lets be honest here. There are a lot of people that are already considering trading the car in for a new one in the first place and it may just take the slightest ding to push them over the edge. And there are some people that are tired enough of their car and don't value it enough to be driving carefully in the first place.

[dichotomy]

I read your post, and I impressed with how you acted after dDay. While I think it is crucial for WS during the initial weeks and even few months to accept 100% blame and not defend or use issues in the marriage in any way to excuse afffiar - that is it is so important to just "take the heat" from the BS and keep apologizing - I think at some point expecially if you have decided to divorce for both parties to take a hard look at the entire marriage.

 

What I worry is what you seem to say your husband thinks - "things were good, I was a great and perfect husband, and then she cheated and I divorced her". If he goes into his next rleationship without learning anything of himself and his marriage he has lost something good that could come out of it.

 

Please take care of yourself now. You took the heat, were accountable to all, and have beat yourself up. I also assume at some point you asked for forgiveness from him and others. He has found a new gal and is happy. Time to move on - care for you, be a new and better you.

[road]

Hmmmm, good question. During the 6 months we tried to reconcile, he kept telling me that I needed to "do something" or as you put it, "repair the damage" but how? I didn't know what to do and when I would ask him, he would always say that I just needed to do SOMETHING! And for the life of me I didn't know what to do. I tried little things, like making a CD of songs that expressed my feelings, I spent hours listening to and accepting his rage. I tried to answer his questions truthfully, I never pressured him to "get over it". After 6 months, I felt completely pulvarized and just couldn't take it anymore, neither could he, so one night we both just said that's it. I couldn't give him whatever it was he needed and honestly, I couldn't take his rage without some glimmer of love, so we divorced and during those months, I guess I did see it as what he deserved.

Maybe he sees it differently? I don't know..sad to think about.

In your situation, what could your wife have done to repair the damage?

 

 

Get 2 copies of each book. One set for you the other for your BH. Surviving An Affair, His Needs Her Needs. Both are by Dr Harley. Not very expensive but very good. Most counselors fail at MC because they do not no how to get recovery to happen.

 

It is never to late to learn how to recover and have a good marriage.

[road]

^

THIS!

 

It's what we really want. I finally ended our marriage because I couldn't get peace of mind with her continuing to go to MA class with OM. It wasn't just that she wouldn't be around him either. It would have been a symbol, a massive sacrifice to PROVE her dedication. This MA she was involved in was a less common one, not like Karate where there's a dojo on every corner. She was pretty much going to have to quit the sport entirely. If should could have done that for me, and done it with love, I would have felt a lot more peace and security that she was with me for real.

 

One of our biggest problems was that I was the one figuring out what I needed, and then she'd judge my requests. If she had taken initiative I would have loved it. Read books, participated in discussions, taken real ACTION above and beyond being a normal wife. It was all she could do just to wear her wedding ring! Wooowwww, I'm so impressed honey You've really proven yourself there.

 

I read about one WW who bought a GPS device, put it in her car, and showed her H how to track her. Wow. The same woman berated their therapist when they criticized the BH for exposing the affair. This was a woman who had had a 10 year affair. When he first came to the board I was sure they were toast...until I kept seeing his reports of what she was doing to bring him peace of mind.

 

 

Bad post.

 

Why?

 

You did not name this WW or BH. Without that no one can find her story and learn from it.

[ageofaquarius]

Ahhh trickle truth, yes I was guilty of that in the beginning but not for the reasons so many on these boards say (ie not to protect my a--), at the time, I truly believed that by telling him everything, I would only be hurting him more and I had hurt him so terribly much already. It was only later, that I realized how devastating trickle truth is and how much more damaging it is. Plus, he did simply have the right to know what he was up against!

[ageofaquarius]

I read your post, and I impressed with how you acted after dDay. While I think it is crucial for WS during the initial weeks and even few months to accept 100% blame and not defend or use issues in the marriage in any way to excuse afffiar - that is it is so important to just "take the heat" from the BS and keep apologizing - I think at some point expecially if you have decided to divorce for both parties to take a hard look at the entire marriage.

 

What I worry is what you seem to say your husband thinks - "things were good, I was a great and perfect husband, and then she cheated and I divorced her". If he goes into his next rleationship without learning anything of himself and his marriage he has lost something good that could come out of it.

 

Please take care of yourself now. You took the heat, were accountable to all, and have beat yourself up. I also assume at some point you asked for forgiveness from him and others. He has found a new gal and is happy. Time to move on - care for you, be a new and better you.

 

Thank you so much for the thoughtful response. I agree with the importance of "taking the heat" but the "heat" can also have damage, which then also needs to be addressed at some point. I understand this may be very difficult for a BS to understand bc in once sense, the WS "deserves" this! In my case, the raging and verbal assaults just got to be too much after several months and I became completely, emotionally paralyzed. We tried MC but he wasn't willing to look at the whole marriage, only wanted to address the A and then once that was "fixed" look at the other aspects of the M. I wanted to do both (again, NEVER excusing the A), but he told the therapist, absolutely not.

I have asked for forgiveness, but he's not ready. I accept that. It's the moving on part I'm having such a hard time with--forgiving myself. But, in time!

[ageofaquarius]

First of all, thanks for the candid response. Not easy stuff.

 

I'll try to stick with a relatively short answer. My wife could have stopped lying, both about her breaches in NC and about the affair. Trickle-truth was a real killer for us. But that may not have been an issue for you. Much like your husband, I also looked for my wife to do some kind of "grand gesture." I didn't know what it was anymore than you two. I also knew it was elusive and so I let go of that thought in somewhat short order. The one thing she could have done was quit her job (affair was with her boss) but her unwillingness to do so led me to compromise on a transfer (which took 3 months and also had a lot to do with our failed reconciliation).

 

It didn't take long for me to settle of three requirements: (1) No lying (2) No contact and (3) No cheating. She violated both of the first two which made it impossible to trust her about the third.

 

I also expected her to commit for the long haul because I grew to believe that it does indeed take 2-5 years to reconcile. After about 6 months, it became clear that she needed me to be "better." I had PTSD, insomnia, and lost a lot of weight. She didn't use the words but it became more obvious over time that she needed me to be over it.

 

I think the critical problem for us was that she had checked out of the marriage about 2 years prior but I had no clue that we even had issues, let alone ones that were so severe to her. The fact is that she was so de-invested in the marriage by the time that I discovered the affair that there was no way she would have the patience for 2-5 years of repair, regardless of how much guilt, fear, or obligation was motivating her to stay.

 

I guess I have frustration because I know what the path to reconciliation looks like and in my mind, it was achievable. But it takes two to be fully committed to make it happen. She wasn't committed and so the end result for me was being cheated on AND divorced. I have some bitterness about her running away instead of staying and fixing it.

 

So much for the "short" answer. Your post just struck me because it's not the first time I've seen a WW divorce their BH and say that it was the best kindness they could offer them. It doesn't ring true to me but I understand that it doesn't mean you were disingenuous. In your case, it sounds as if it was a mutual decision. Oddly enough, it was mutual in ours as well. I couldn't handle her half-assed attempts anymore so I had no objections to the divorce.

 

Anyway, thanks for your time and candor. It's a subject I obviously still wrestle with a bit.

 

Thank you for your post--our stories seem similar on many fronts and I truly appreciate your insights. If my xH had been able to let go of the "grand gesture" maybe that would've helped, but I too had somewhat checked out of the M a couple of years earlier. However, big difference, he knew and in fact was sleeping in a different bedroom and then had moved out. (But my A started when he was still in the house ) What I wrestled with during R, was how to address the whole M, not just the A. I completely understood that for him, this was so paramount that little else mattered, but for me, I needed him to understand the reasons why I did what I did. This is where we got stuck..he saw reasons as excuses and I separated the two. To me, we couldn't R until we looked as those reasons (some of which were definitely my shortcomings and some of which were his). A spouse who has been faithful for 20+ yrs. doesn't just wake up one day and decide to have an A---at least not in my case. Again, not his fault that I did it--it was my choice, my mistake, and I thought it was important to look at that. But, he was a very linear thinker and only wanted to talk about the A.

I certainly never pictured being D at this point in my life--it has cost me tremendously both emotionally and financially--I was a stay at home mom for many years, after having left a very high paying job--and now I struggle a bit.

Maybe it wasn't a gift to him, but he just kept saying that I wasn't giving him what he needed and I didn't know what else to do....

[road]

What I wrestled with during R, was how to address the whole M, not just the A. I completely understood that for him, this was so paramount that little else mattered, but for me, I needed him to understand the reasons why I did what I did. This is where we got stuck..he saw reasons as excuses and I separated the two. To me, we couldn't R until we looked as those reasons (some of which were definitely my shortcomings and some of which were his). A spouse who has been faithful for 20+ yrs. doesn't just wake up one day and decide to have an A

 

 

You woke up one day and did bang the OM.

 

 

---at least not in my case. Again, not his fault that I did it--it was my choice, my mistake, and I thought it was important to look at that. But, he was a very linear thinker and only wanted to talk about the A.

 

 

Putting the cart before the horse. A BH does not want to hear excuses, justifications, because they all are blame shifting. Your BH did not bend you over and hold you down for the OM to do. The OM did not hold a gun to your head and bang you.

 

You let the OM do you, with a smile on your face.

 

 

I certainly never pictured being D at this point in my life--it has cost me tremendously both emotionally and financially--I was a stay at home mom for many years, after having left a very high paying job--and now I struggle a bit.

 

 

Now your play sympathy. You made the decision to dance with the OM. You do not get to cry how expensive the band was.

 

 

Maybe it wasn't a gift to him, but he just kept saying that I wasn't giving him what he needed and I didn't know what else to do....

 

 

Yes we know you claim to not know what to do. It could be you do yet refuse to do what has to be done. You have shown no interest in learning what to do post affair because you have showed no interest in getting books that are highly recommended. You only show how you still blame shift and now miss your beta provider/BH meal ticket

[It-is-what-it-is.]

ageofaquarius;

 

Thank you for your post--our stories seem similar on many fronts and I truly appreciate your insights. If my xH had been able to let go of the "grand gesture" maybe that would've helped, but I too had somewhat checked out of the M a couple of years earlier. However, big difference, he knew and in fact was sleeping in a different bedroom and then had moved out. (But my A started when he was still in the house )

 

What I wrestled with during R, was how to address the whole M, not just the A. I completely understood that for him, this was so paramount that little else mattered, but for me, I needed him to understand the reasons why I did what I did. This is where we got stuck..he saw reasons as excuses and I separated the two. To me, we couldn't R until we looked as those reasons (some of which were definitely my shortcomings and some of which were his).

 

Respectfully, until the actions and consequences of the affair are addressed, how does your spouse have trust and safety to talk about the other things? There are tons of analogies about this, but one...

 

You didnt like my selection of sofa so you burned the house down. speaks to me.

 

Yes, there may be some underlying issues with taste or money, but is not the key issue to solve the destruction of the house? And what possessed you to take THAT nuclear option instead of dealing with the issues?

 

A spouse who has been faithful for 20+ yrs. doesn't just wake up one day and decide to have an A---at least not in my case.

 

Two comments

 

He was in the same marriage as you. Did he also cheat to cope with the bad marriage?

 

Is it really the first time you had poor boundaries or have you always had poor boundaries? I think until you analyze your own personal whys, be it, sense of entitlement, needing external validation, whatever, you will continue to see the marital issues as a cause (excuse).

 

All marriages have issues. All. 100% of long term marriages. What do you need to do to develop healthier coping skills?

 

Again, not his fault that I did it--it was my choice, my mistake, and I thought it was important to look at that. But, he was a very linear thinker and only wanted to talk about the A.

 

Its too late now, but your gift to him could have been to prioritize his needs for healing ahead of yours.

 

I certainly never pictured being D at this point in my life--it has cost me tremendously both emotionally and financially--I was a stay at home mom for many years, after having left a very high paying job--and now I struggle a bit.

Maybe it wasn't a gift to him, but he just kept saying that I wasn't giving him what he needed and I didn't know what else to do....

 

Unfortunately your story is pretty common...at least the part that the high of the affair colored your behavior and possibly your ability to reconcile and now, when everyone else has apparently moved on you have not.

 

I hope you keep working on this and get better.

 

IIWII

[Spark1111]

I remember two weeks after DDay, when he was out of the house and sending giant bouquets of flowers, I wrote an email which read:

 

'Love and counseling may not be enough. I fear it may be too little, too late, and as you are not a patient man, I am not optimistic about us.'

 

And it was I, not him, who walked out of counseling twice when he wanted to divert talking of the affair to anger at me and our perceived issues.

 

of course we had issues, but I did not cheat. So yes, I wanted him to fix himself and all the insecurities and skewed views of how neglected and unappreciated he was before I would address the marriage.

 

Tall order for any WS, yet what many fail to realize is that I, too, felt neglected and unappreciated with not enough attention and yet....I did not cheat.

 

BS's want every emotional reassurance a WS can give that they understand WHY they did what they did to devastate us before we can ever fathom fixing a marriage we are readying ourselves to walk away from.

 

Why would we attemp to fix a marriage when the WS has lobbed a grenade into it?

 

Explain to us why the grenade was lobbed and how it WILL NEVER happen again and then maybe we will be ready to examine issues the marriage may have had.

 

Not saying it's right or rational or fair to the WS...but after DDAY, it is how the majority of us feel.