compulsivedancer Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 H has a work event that he's been looking forward to and preparing for for a couple of weeks. I was looking at the schedule and realized that OM will be there too, albeit a few hours earlier. Told H, since he's still in the "beat him up on sight" mood. There's a chance that they will run into each other, since it's a community event, and there's a good possibility that AP will stick around since he won't realize H will be there. (God, this whole thing sucks. Just sucks. Just plain sucks.) I'm just wondering how other BSs deal with these situations, especially when they live in a medium-sized town like us, where you are bound to run into each other sooner or later (and no, we aren't interested in moving or in working elsewhere). Please answer based on your experiences, not mine.
Coolit Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 H got invited to a BQ at a friends. OM/OW were there. he went. He ignored their existence and OM ignored his as they sat together at a fire. OW/BW avoided him. But this triggered in my husband anger at them because afterwards BW/OW told me that I had obviously not told my H anything because he was so relaxed. And I think this is why he wants to have his day in court. But my H has no plans to be violent. My H tells me he did nothing wrong, He has nothing to be ashamed of and knows it. He has a distincitve vehicle and says if anyone feels the need to avoid it is them.
HopingAgain Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 You're probably not gonna like mine, but I'll answer since you want what happened based on our own experiences... My ex H and I ran into OW about 2 years after Dday. We'd been reconciling but I was ready to leave in my heart since I had reason to believe he'd cheated again. Anyway we were out one night and at a bar and OW came in shortly after us and she approached me after about maybe 20 minutes of trying to get her nerve up. She used to be my best friend and I'm sure guilt was eating her up. She apologized to me and said something to the effect of life is too short to hold grudges and luckily for all of us I hadva drink and that took the edge off for me some. My ex just sat there looking horrified and like he wanted to sink through the floor. And I gave a really detached reply and didn't even look at her. She walkedoff and for some crazy reason instead of leaving ex and I stayed there and she did too That night something in me broke and I just knew my marriage was really over and the pain and humiliation just overtook me. It was a few weeks later that I started my exit affair. A word of caution to you, although my story is very extreme, It is so very traumatic for a BS to be put into a social setting with the AP and WS at the same time especially. The feelings of rage and anguish and humiliation are uncontrollable and it reeks havoc on the mind of a spouse trying to reconcile. Please think about if it will be worth the pain to your H for him to attend this event. Its good you're trying to prepare yourselves mentally for the possibility of them seeing eachother. But if BH is still so angry he wants tov fight OMvon sight its not a good idea to go where you know he will be at. 2
Betterthanthis13 Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 Wow, tough situation. Obvi my situation is way different, I'm unlikely to run into escorts and ONS's when I dont even have a clue who they are... However, I am actively avoiding running into the one girl I do know (gym girl) I recently switched gyms altogether despite the inconvenience. I just don't want any further interaction or reminders of any of this. Dealing with what's inside my own brain is more than enough. But I'm trying to move away, not reconcile. I still resent having to switch my life around, but I'm only doing it to avoid the possibility of drama, it seems like the lesser of two evils at this point. I might switch back later when I am not so annoyed. I speculate that if the situation were different and say gym girl was the only one he cheated with, and xbf and I were trying to reconcile- I wouldn't want to run from it. I would want the opposite- especially from him. i would want indifference towards her from him. (allowing for an appropriate amount of time for affair fog to lift, now that I know what that is) I would be trying to (eventually) get over my anger, and develop indifference towards seeing her out and about. But I think I would really want to see how he acted. I would be testing xbf. I would be noticing his every reaction to my run ins with gym girl. Partially to try to determine if there were any residual feelings, partially just to be a jerk and make him feel uncomfortable (sorry, just being honest- that's part of the reason why I am not qualified for R, even if the situation did warrant giving it a shot) I would also partially be noticing if it seemed like he had my back or not. If he was worried about his feelings and how the situation was affecting him vs how it was affecting me. If he was in it with me or not. Yeah, it's uncomfortable, yeah he caused it- ok- I'm supposed to forgive all this-I can do that--- if i am going to do that, what is HE gonna do to prove we are back on the same team now? I could keep going on and on but I'm going to stop because I'm not actually in this situation, it's all speculation so it would be better coming from nicer, more reasonable people who actually are capable of R unlike me
ChooseTruth Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 Since she wouldn't quit class at her dojo I finally relented and started attending classes as well. OMM had been out of class for a while anyway because he was helping his kids with this robotics project (his BW confirmed this btw). So I went to 3 classes, the second one of which OMM was there. I realized he wasn't going to stay away...and this wasn't going to work. I continued dropping hints to my WW that things were not ok. Finally she said to me one day, "I. AM. NOT. QUITTING. THE. DOJO!". Later that day I exposed the A to her sensei and many of her friends(most of them knew already anyway..) The final decision to divorce came a couple days later at "therapy". Quotes because she either went there to tell me lies or tell me it was over... There's my experience seeing OMM. It's part of what triggered the D. Oh, also he works at the same company I do, but I've never seen or dealt with him @ work. I work at um..a massive coorperate giant that has I don't know how many campuses in this city alone...
Author compulsivedancer Posted August 31, 2013 Author Posted August 31, 2013 But I think I would really want to see how he acted. I would be testing xbf. I would be noticing his every reaction to my run ins with gym girl. Partially to try to determine if there were any residual feelings, partially just to be a jerk and make him feel uncomfortable Never even thought of that. He would almost certainly be doing that, and my emotions are still so all over the board that I have no idea what I would show. And believe me, my face shows it all. (sorry, just being honest- that's part of the reason why I am not qualified for R, even if the situation did warrant giving it a shot). it would be better coming from nicer, more reasonable people who actually are capable of R unlike me Better, from everything we have talked about on here, you sound like an amazing woman that tried really hard to R in a really ****ty situation. Faced with a different scenario, you may have had a very different reaction. Not reconciling does NOT reflect on you. As Stronger always puts it (I think it's her), "Strong enough to stay, strong enough to leave." You have to do what's right for you, and it sounds like with this guy, at this point in time, what's right is for you to leave. You have done your due diligence, and you have done far more than was ever required of you. You should never have had to go through any of this. <<cyber hugs>> 1
whatatangledweb Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 I didn't actually run into her but I thought I saw her at the airport about a year after D-day. I felt blind rage and started walking towards this woman. I knew I was going to attack her. When I got about five feet from her I noticed it was not her. And I walked away. I have never felt such rage in my life and it frightened me. I never had felt such an utter lack of self control. I knew what I was doing yet could not stop until I saw it was a different person.
Author compulsivedancer Posted September 2, 2013 Author Posted September 2, 2013 OM was NOT there, and everything went great, and H and I both feel a lot better. It's amazing how dark I felt all weekend because of this. I think because this is the first time I've been confronted with the possibility of seeing him. 2
2sure Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 My X was a serial cheater, met many women and had short affairs with as many as he could....he usually met them in a city a couple of hours away, because his career required him to use discretion. We were at an event after DDay , a large outdoor garden party. He came to me and said " One of the women I met just arrived with someone". As it happens, I might have recognized her, having seen the pics she sent to him. He was in a panic. "Handle this and make her gone, or this is going to be a problem for you" I told him. I have no idea how he did it, he was gone less than three minutes and then she and her date left. This was soon after DDay, just before I filed for divorce, so I was dicey , I could have caused a real big problem.
Betterthanthis13 Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 OM was NOT there, and everything went great, and H and I both feel a lot better. It's amazing how dark I felt all weekend because of this. I think because this is the first time I've been confronted with the possibility of seeing him. I hope the rest of your weekend was lighter and less stressful. I'm not good at emoticon thingys-- all I know is smiley which isn't appropriate. I don't know of a hug emoticon or I'd type it.
Betterthanthis13 Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 My X was a serial cheater, met many women and had short affairs with as many as he could....he usually met them in a city a couple of hours away, because his career required him to use discretion. We were at an event after DDay , a large outdoor garden party. He came to me and said " One of the women I met just arrived with someone". As it happens, I might have recognized her, having seen the pics she sent to him. He was in a panic. "Handle this and make her gone, or this is going to be a problem for you" I told him. I have no idea how he did it, he was gone less than three minutes and then she and her date left. This was soon after DDay, just before I filed for divorce, so I was dicey , I could have caused a real big problem. Would it have made any difference if he had just taken care of it without consulting you?
waterwoman Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 Saw her once. She and H work in a school but no longer in the same area. I might well meet her at any work-related social event, or when I got to our children's school which is linked. But so far we haven't met other than that one time. I suspect she feels as bad and uncomfortable about it all as we do now so would avoid us as we would avoid her.
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