Trying2MakeIt Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 I mentioned on earlier thread. Dated this lady over 2 .5 years. Helped her through financial crisis, took care her ailing mom and son with special needs. Costs were accumulating and on her admin salary she couldnt keep up it seemed. Spent over 20K in 2 years paying her expenses. I worked in Chicago and she was in NY. I would visit there regularly because its only a short flight, and worked in consulting always had reason to be there. We figure distance was an issue so we both agreed to build a home in North Carolina where she could be close to her Mom. Then suddenly my job had cutbacks. I lost my job. Then I notice not a change in attitude yet her going out more. She was committed as she said but she had to see what happens when I get a job to see what our moving plans were. I knew she prob was meeting other folks, so I ask, she emphatically denied. Weill...... Well she said all the right things. That it takes two to stick together. We were in it forever. Even picked out wedding China. Well one morning I announced I got that job , and wow in NYC. She seemed shocked. Yes got a Partner position in NY, so we I thought were great. She said so no North Carolina? or you staying in Chicago? I said no, didnt we eventually want to be close and near , that was the point right? I was shell=shocked. I said it again, I am moving to NYC....she said nothing. Then I get an email from a 41 year woman mind you on Facebook that evening, saying " Wish you all the Best, Im gone" Devastated and Bewildered. I did the begging and pleading of course for a few weeks and she was very nasty, disrespectful , and downright ugly. Hurt yes as a mature adult wasnt going to do a chase for her I thought. I went NC....Then one weekend after 6 weeks of NC , she asked to see me, but the catch ...if I didnt see her right that evening it was over for good. I couldnt of course, was working, and quite hesitant naturally. Well she went on a rant curse me for everything, and blocked me from email, phone, and all communication. Even was immature to blast me on Facebook. All this nastiness, made me realize. Wow if this person was this horrible to do this to a person that stood by her unconditionally, love her unconditionally, and even her family. What if we were together and I really had a problem, like being sick or destitute... I thought this person I believed was a sweetheart. I made excuses for her. It was her upbringing. It was her being overweight. It was the distance. What I realized, that she wasnt a nice person, in fact she was not even a good person at all. I am recovery realizing that.
Steelergirl Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 I hear ya, my situation was similar. I did SO much for my ex, financially and emotionally. I was always there for him and him for me? Yeah, no so much, in fact, not at all. And when it ended, he got downright vicious with me, name-calling, blaming, pure psycho guilt-laying, turning the tables stuff. It devastated me that he could be so hurtful after everything I'd done for him. And now, he's Mr. boyfriend of the year with the babe he tossed me aside for, it blows my mind. And it makes me question my own judgment, like how could I have cared so much for this person that cared so little for me? But like you, I realized that he was not a good person, and he can keep up the charade for awhile, but the true person will come out sooner or later, they weren't just that way for us, I'm sure. I just hope our giving natures weren't sucked out of us by our ex's, they didn't deserve us. 1
LinkWorshiper Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 I feel this way too. I have always been the sort to believe that if you are kind and giving, it will pay off. I was always good and gentle and empathetic to my ex when we were together and it seemed like he appreciated that a lot. But after our messy breakup, he turned into this depressed monster, and I felt the same need to be there for him while he was emotionally struggling, even though I was dealing with a lot of **** on my own too. And just recently, after like the fifth time, he's come to me saying how important I am to him and how he wants to share lives again, but then rejects me and gets upset when I tell him things he doesn't want to hear, whether it's about how I feel or things he's done that need to be improved. I think to myself, 'Why do I keep trying?' He made me so happy and things used to be so good, but it's more and more obvious that all that matters to him is how HE feels, whether that's keeping me around for emotional support (which he swears he is not doing) or finding a new girlfriend who doesn't know any of his woes.... We'll see how long he can manage a new relationship if he keeps acting this way. Anyway, the worst part is I want to talk to him and make sure we're good still. I don't want to tell him goodbye. I do still want to be his friend. But I hurt so bad over all this. He told me some very mean things recently and I wonder if that even matters. 1
Author Trying2MakeIt Posted September 1, 2013 Author Posted September 1, 2013 (edited) What it is that folks dont appreciate or respect you particulary if they had taken you for granted. You have some out there, well at least in my case, see kindness for a weakness. It was too easy for them, so they took advantage. Problem with that is, most who think that way are the main ones complaining life or relationships is always dealing them a hard hand. The nastiness and plain ugliness comes from a lack of self esteem. They want to be validated by devaluing you. Usually these kinds of dumpers were the ones who quite frankly should have been the ones dumped a long time ago. Yet because some believe in them; they were given a chance for redemption. Thats what a true relationship are really about . Standing up and looking out for one another. Its just that with some, and with this lady I was with; they see it as an opportunity to exploit. Furthermore when called out on it; they coward and flip the script. They make it seem like youre the one whose crazy. Youre the one who is unreasonable and a bother. They understand how much you have done. They know what you brought to the table. They brought very little if you think about it; instead spending there time either looking to get out, or get over. Look, no one says you have to be with a certain person always or that all relationships last forever. You can leave. Breakups happen. Yte, common courtesy and respect doesnt cost a thing. Not to your ego or dignity. More important you should never allow them to sale you for cheap Edited September 1, 2013 by Trying2MakeIt
LinkWorshiper Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 What it is that folks dont appreciate or respect you particulary if they had taken you for granted. You have some out there, well at least in my case, see kindness for a weakness. It was too easy for them, so they took advantage. Problem with that is, most who think that way are the main ones complaining life or relationships is always dealing them a hard hand. The nastiness and plain ugliness comes from a lack of self esteem. They want to be validated by devaluing you. Usually these kinds of dumpers were the ones who quite frankly should have been the ones dumped a long time ago. Yet because some believe in them; they were given a chance for redemption. Thats what a true relationship are really about . Standing up and looking out for one another. Its just that with some, and with this lady I was with; they see it as an opportunity to exploit. Furthermore when called out on it; they coward and flip the script. They make it seem like youre the one whose crazy. Youre the one who is unreasonable and a bother. They understand how much you have done. They know what you brought to the table. They brought very little if you think about it; instead spending there time either looking to get out, or get over. Look, no one says you have to be with a certain person always or that all relationships last forever. You can leave. Breakups happen. Yte, common courtesy and respect doesnt cost a thing. Not to your ego or dignity. More important you should never allow them to sale you for cheap Pretty much this. I'm frustrated because I really care about my ex and I want the best for him and I know that when he's not in this stupid, messy state, he's a great guy. He was BEING that great guy a week ago until we argued and pretty much everything that was mentioned in this comment happened. He projected all these things on me that of course ended up spinning in my head, and I left feeling like I was the one who had to do something to fix it. I offered an olive branch but even though he agreed to take it, until I see him physically do it, maybe it's time to just let him swirl down the drain alone. Which sucks because I love him, but what's my coddling really going to fix? 1
Author Trying2MakeIt Posted September 1, 2013 Author Posted September 1, 2013 @Linkworshiper Yes what he is doing is allowing you to pay for his sins. In plain words he punishing you for his bad behavior. Being selfish and self-centered. They are now exposed. We thought they were great folks because we projected them as such. Yet , having much reflection myself. What kind of person is only great when you are expounding great things on them? What kind of person, who had any type of respect for you, the foundation of any relationship, would treat you like crap just because they have a change of heart?? Because of all you have done, and because of what you brought to the table for them; they should show appreciation for mere sake. I would do like I am doing now. Go Non-Contact. It helps with the healing. Yet what is also does is show you will be NO DoorMat. Very very difficult. Its not hey just move on. Yet what is does is bring what they have tried to take from you... Your Dignity and Self Respect. May not bring them back, who knows. Yet it will let them know that you not sitting around. Besides you were the stronger one throughout the relationship....think about it, they are the ones that needed to be held up and eventually cowarded out.
LinkWorshiper Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 @Linkworshiper Yes what he is doing is allowing you to pay for his sins. In plain words he punishing you for his bad behavior. Being selfish and self-centered. They are now exposed. We thought they were great folks because we projected them as such. Yet , having much reflection myself. What kind of person is only great when you are expounding great things on them? What kind of person, who had any type of respect for you, the foundation of any relationship, would treat you like crap just because they have a change of heart?? Because of all you have done, and because of what you brought to the table for them; they should show appreciation for mere sake. I would do like I am doing now. Go Non-Contact. It helps with the healing. Yet what is also does is show you will be NO DoorMat. Very very difficult. Its not hey just move on. Yet what is does is bring what they have tried to take from you... Your Dignity and Self Respect. May not bring them back, who knows. Yet it will let them know that you not sitting around. Besides you were the stronger one throughout the relationship....think about it, they are the ones that needed to be held up and eventually cowarded out. Incidentally, I think he realized how badly he messed up and apologized for it. He took that olive branch and ran with it, and I almost wonder if he's trying to figure out a way to restart things. I really have weird reservations about NC, and I think it comes off as petty if you deploy it every time the other person screws up. Then it's just meaningless. Especially since this interaction started happening because we came out of a period of NC and decided to interact again. Anyway, we talk every day now, and we hang out at least once a week. He says he really enjoys spending time with me, that it makes him happy, and that he feels these interactions have been very important for us. He is gradually more affectionate every time we hang out, and I've noticed him starting to get a little nosy about where I'm going and who I'm hanging out with. I think he's waiting for the right time to talk about where our relationship is going, but I really get the vibe I got when we first met and he was trying to court me, except with a slight air of caution. And trust me, I barely lift a finger to interact with him at this point. Guess I just have to ride it out and see where he goes with it. ...The last time we hung out, he gave me a box of chocolate for no reason except that he thought I would like it. And he's asked me to tattoo him, anything I want so... I know he's not just after free ink. To me, I just think it's a little telling he wants me to make a permanent mark on him.
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