sweet_pea Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 (edited) Hey y'all! I was wondering... is it possible to be 'faithful' to the OW/M (while being married)? If so, how does that work? If not... why not? I'm interested in hearing your responses! Happy Weekend, btw! Edited August 30, 2013 by sweet_pea
Author sweet_pea Posted August 30, 2013 Author Posted August 30, 2013 Uh.... no. I'm a former betrayed spouse (former as I am no longer with WS). I was having a conversation with an OW who said that MM was faithful to her, and that notion was interesting to me and voila, this thread. 1
ChooseTruth Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 (edited) Hey y'all! I was wondering... is it possible to be 'faithful' to the OW/M (while being married)? If so, how does that work? If not... why not? I'm interested in hearing your responses! Happy Weekend, btw! Here's how: Profess your love for OW/M from the mountain top. Tell your family, friends, BW/H, everyone like it should be in a true faithful relationship. Also tell your BW/H that there will be no more affection since you have to be faithful to your new partner. You will be sleeping downstairs and will not get emotionally involved with your spouse either. Probably should share a bank account with your OW/M as well since you need to be financially faithful as well right? Make sense? Also frog flying fabulously about crows wearing my house under weather. Thanks ewe. Edited August 30, 2013 by ChooseTruth 3
ChooseTruth Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 Uh.... no. I'm a former betrayed spouse (former as I am no longer with WS). I was having a conversation with an OW who said that MM was faithful to her, and that notion was interesting to me and voila, this thread. Ah, this is for the WS out there then. But that should have been obvious from the start. Only a WS would be wise enough to understand this kind of thing Disregard me earlier reply, I'm not qualified hehe. Should be interesting.
Author sweet_pea Posted August 30, 2013 Author Posted August 30, 2013 Ah, this is for the WS out there then. But that should have been obvious from the start. Only a WS would be wise enough to understand this kind of thing Disregard me earlier reply, I'm not qualified hehe. Should be interesting. Anyone can answer this... including you!
Author sweet_pea Posted August 30, 2013 Author Posted August 30, 2013 (edited) Well not all MM are sex maniacs He is not having sex with his wife because they just don't want to and because she knows about me and our five year affair. Actually he has not had sex with me in two weeks despite seeing me twice a day every day, so....... strangely enough it is not about sex. Just like I cannot believe anyone would stay with someone who had been or was in love with someone else for five years. It takes all sorts. Ok you can say i have no proof of that, but then she has lots of proof and only has to ask me, but she doesn't. I have friends who are married and not having affairs who actually sleep separately so it is not so hard to imagine it happens. ???...let's stay on topic, thanks. Edited August 30, 2013 by sweet_pea 2
Speakingofwhich Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 Guess it depends on your definition of faithful. 3
2sure Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 To me, being faithful has so much more to do with things other than sexual monogamy. Its about loyalty and integrity more than exclusivity. 6
Journee Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 If I were going to be a WS I would have to be " faithful" to my OM. The thought of having sex with two men during the same time frame is....not something I could do. Nor would I expect my true love (OM) to deal with my letting another man ( in this case the man I married and the father of my children) enter me. I would have to do this. I cannot be affectionate with two men at the same time. 2
ChooseTruth Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 (edited) Anyone can answer this... including you! Hah thanks Well, I gave my best answer above as sarcastic as it is. I honestly mean that I'm not qualified. I am willing to bet that only WS think they "understand" this. Actually, probably "Speakingofwhich" nailed it. They have a different definition of "faithful" than the rest of us. Maybe the real question is, "What does it mean to be faithful?". To me being married means enough that you could NEVER be faithful to an OW/M. It's impossible. Edited August 30, 2013 by ChooseTruth 2
Journee Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 To me, being faithful has so much more to do with things other than sexual monogamy. Its about loyalty and integrity more than exclusivity. Wonderfully put. One is either a loyal person or not so much. A WS would probably fall under the ' not so much' category.
MissBee Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 I think it's a silly notion that is more so made up of airy fairy promises said to appease the OW, with very little substance behind it. If you are married to someone else and have a secret OW...there is no space for "faithful", of course though,as many things go in the world of affairs, you can probably just define it differently for yourself. So maybe faithful in the OW/MM relationship means something different from normal. However, in my eyes, even while in the A, I wasn't delusional and didn't expect "faithfulness" in terms of his primary relationship vs. me. I don't think he had OOW so maybe that is the extent of faithful in that context...no multiple OW, which I would have been enraged about, but the spouse/SO is a given so isn't counted in faithfulness I guess. 1
Coolit Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 Definetly different definitions. For some AP, they are refering not to emotions but sex. And for some the BS doesn't count. For example: xMM got jealous when a single friend of his flirted with me. xMM got jealous. I asked him if it would bother him of I had sex with this friend. (totally not interested just curious). He said yes. I asked him how he could be bothered by his friend and I doing it and not by my H and I. He said that "i can't be jelous of him and you, that is to be expected. But I'd lie to think you would be faithful to me besides." Strange strange logic indeed. I thought so then and still do. But I realize that everyone's view of faithfullness may vary.
Author sweet_pea Posted August 30, 2013 Author Posted August 30, 2013 ??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? errr i was I guess I don't really understand your post or what it had to do with the OP. Maybe you can clarify?
HopingAgain Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 Well, we were faithful to one another in our A. He was not intimate with his wife sexually or emotionally. It was over long before me. We made the decision together that we were planning a future and that part of it was not being sexually or emotionally intimate with anyone else. Then we worked toward his exit from the marriage. Now, we're together in an exclusive relationship. It happens. Aww. I bet you 2 are now So Happy, Together! 3
2sure Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 My X was unable to be faithful, that's why I divorced him. He was a serial cheater. He didnt have it in him. But the sex with other women, that's not why I left. He knew I was open minded , we had plenty of threesomes in fact, so his having sex with others was certainly something we could have considered openly. The dates with other women bothered me more, but only because he hid it from me. He was friends with many women, professionally even More, close with some for years. I never felt threatened on principal with his having lunch, dinner, or drinks with them. I had male friends Myself who I spent time with. Ive always been pretty solid that way. So, it's possible he could have remained faithful to me and still had sex and time with other women. What prevented him was that he was not loyal enough to me for me to not feel threatened by it. He didn't have enough integrity to not give me the truth and let me decide. Anyone who doesn't do that, cannot be faithful, has no integrity and certainly an allegiance only to themselves .
HopingAgain Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 As a one time WS in my previous marriage I'm going to go out on a limb and say No. A WS who is still married is going to be unfaithful to OP in some way be it sexually" emotionally, or financially or any and all 3. Its just wishful thinking to believe otherwise. It is not in any way easy to disentangle and disengage from a marriage. Also it would be against a WSs best interests to have their AP believe anything but that they are being "faithful" to them.
waterwoman Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 Ow broke up with H because she didnt get enough from him. I guess she wanted him to be faithful to her. It was an impossibility. Despite our problems, we were still having sex, still saying I love you, still making plans for the future. They were still texting though so I am not sure what the break up entailed.
compulsivedancer Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 I guess I don't really understand your post or what it had to do with the OP. Maybe you can clarify? SweetPea, J'adore is a current OW. She is saying that she believes her MM only sleeps with her and not with his wife at all. Therefore, as long as he is being truthful, he is faithful to her, in the sexual sense at least. I actually think her post may have been the MOST on-topic so far. 4
compulsivedancer Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 I think it's a silly notion that is more so made up of airy fairy promises said to appease the OW, with very little substance behind it. If you are married to someone else and have a secret OW...there is no space for "faithful", of course though,as many things go in the world of affairs, you can probably just define it differently for yourself. So maybe faithful in the OW/MM relationship means something different from normal. However, in my eyes, even while in the A, I wasn't delusional and didn't expect "faithfulness" in terms of his primary relationship vs. me. I don't think he had OOW so maybe that is the extent of faithful in that context...no multiple OW, which I would have been enraged about, but the spouse/SO is a given so isn't counted in faithfulness I guess. I think MissBee stole the words out of my mouth. If faithful means not having an OOW, then yes. If the relationship with the BS is over/on it's way out, then yes. Otherwise, it is unrealistic to expect that he does not EVER (at least occasionally!) sleep with his wife.
Author sweet_pea Posted August 31, 2013 Author Posted August 31, 2013 SweetPea, J'adore is a current OW. She is saying that she believes her MM only sleeps with her and not with his wife at all. Therefore, as long as he is being truthful, he is faithful to her, in the sexual sense at least. I actually think her post may have been the MOST on-topic so far. Oh, I'm familiar with J'adore. I just didn't really understand the message... maybe it was the way things were phrased. Oh well, thanks for explaining!
ChristopherRobin Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 I would assume that means that the married person doesn't sleep with their spouse or have a third affair on the side, and the other person doesn't sleep with anyone else. Pretty silly if you ask me. "Don't cheat on me while you are cheating on your spouse," or "Don't cheat on me while I'm cheating on my spouse." 2
ComingInHot Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 Choose Truth. Period. There is a certain faithfulness in Honesty w/every relationship one is having. So I guess I would think as long as I am HONEST w/spouse AND OW/OM about my feelings by therefore allowing BS & AP to also make knowledgeable decisions for themselves, then not only would it allow for honest sincere faithfulness to AP but a quick disillusion to the M expediting the A into a faithful and Free/open relationship* Just realized (lol) = choose truth, the poster but then I started w/choose truth... I'm tired. 1
compulsivedancer Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 As a one time WS in my previous marriage I'm going to go out on a limb and say No. A WS who is still married is going to be unfaithful to OP in some way be it sexually" emotionally, or financially or any and all 3. Its just wishful thinking to believe otherwise. It is not in any way easy to disentangle and disengage from a marriage. Also it would be against a WSs best interests to have their AP believe anything but that they are being "faithful" to them. Actually, I think it makes more sense for the WS to be clear about his/her expectations with the OW/OM. Both me and OM knew going into it that neither of us was leaving our SO, that it was just sex. We both knew that we intended to continue sleeping with our SOs. Now I'm sure our expectations could've evolved over time if the A had lasted longer, but that was the idea. I don't really understand why a MM would tell his OW that he's not sleeping with BS, or why OW would believe him.
threelaurels Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 If my SO was living in the same house, providing money to, going out as a couple in public with, sleeping in the same bed, etc. with someone else (especially a former partner), I would consider that being unfaithful in our relationship. I am mainly against being friends with my exes in my own life because I know I will always feel an emotional connection and attachment to that person that goes beyond friendship. The potential for that spark will most likely always be there underneath the surface, even if I feel nothing but dislike and contempt for them at the moment. Just look at all the affairs that emerge from rekindled romances and old flames. Just like many people consider it unfaithful for a person to put themselves in a situation that may lead to cheating (i.e. going out of one's way to spend time with someone they are attracted to while in a relationship), I think continuing to remain in such close contact with an ex or old flame is a type of emotional unfaithfulness on its own. Sure, everyone will experience attraction to other people who are not their SO at point, but there is a key difference between someone who encourages those feelings and someone who experiences those feelings but puts up boundaries so that things don't go farther than they should. I think the only person the WS is faithful to is themselves and their own wants, needs, and desires. 2
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