david no arms Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 I have been dating this girl for 9 months now. It’s not working out and I am going to end it with her. She is a wonderful girl but we are just two different people. At first that was an attraction, it no longer is. The thing is she is very shy and introverted and not very confident. She was a virgin when we met and I think it was a mistake that I took that from her because now she thinks we are soulmates. I want to end it but I don’t want to destroy her self confidence. I don’t know what I should say. Do I tell her what I believe she is doing wrong? I don’t like how shy and introverted she is but that doesn’t mean she is broken and needs fixing. It just means she is not right for me. I don’t want to change who she is, she is a wonderful gorgeous woman the way she is. When she finds the right man she will shine. Honestly, every other time I have broken up with someone it has been very blunt and to the point. I don’t think that is the right approach this time but I don’t know what is. I want her to come away afterwards and know that she is special, that she is a great person and that she doesn’t need to change to suit anyone. I want her to know that as much as I care for her, there is no love and I am deeply sorry for that. I hope you can understand what I am trying to say. I can’t get the right words. I don’t want to sound patronizing. I would hate for her to change who she is because she thinks she needs to in order to have a successful relationship. Ladies especially, help me out here. How can I break it off but at the same time make it clear that she needs to stay true to who she is because she truly is gorgeous just the way she is.
Soat Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 Impossible not to hurt someone. Just be kind and mostly honest. That its not working for you, and its not fair to her. 2
Philosoraptor Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 There is no way to end it without causing pain. The best thing you can do is be kind but honest, then bow out of her life so that she can heal. That means no responding to her messages or calls. It's going to hurt, but it will give her the fastest path to finding stability and healing. Let her know that she is a great person, but not the right person for you. That you do not see a permanent future with her and you don't wish to waste her time as she has so much to offer the right person when she finds him. Thank her for your time together and wish her the best with her future. Seems like you want to do the right thing. I both applaud you for wanting to be respectful and cause the least amount of pain possible, and pity you as you still have to go through with this and cause pain. Sucks to be on this side, but I've done it more than my share of times. Kindness, honesty, and no contact. Leave no false hope and give no false hope later by keeping in contact. 4
FennecFox Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 Soat has it right here. She is going to hurt no matter what you say but after reading your message I'm sure you will find the right words. You do seem to genuinely appreciate who she is as a person and I respect that you'd rather let her be herself than try to change her. I'm sure she will offer to change for you. That may be difficult. But if you stand your ground and try to be firm but caring I think you will have done everything you can.
Author david no arms Posted August 30, 2013 Author Posted August 30, 2013 Thank you for the replies and kind words. I probably should have added, and this will throw a spanner in the works, that we work together. I work at an animal shelter and she volunteers there. It was her love of animals that drew me towards her. I can't tell her to give the shelter up and I can't afford to (mine is a paying job). What is the best way to deal with still having to see each other. Obviously I will avoid her as much as possible but wont that just seem like I am avoiding her and seem harsh, as though I no longer even like her as a friend?
todreaminblue Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 If it were me, I would rather know straight up its not working out......not nasty ...but honestly said. As another poster said there is now way you can avoid hurting her....in saying that....it doesn't matter if you are introverted or extroverted ...both types still hurt when a relationship breaks up.......and both can be affected by the break uo to the same degree.... introverts internalize and actually have resilliance ...untapped sometimes but it comes out when experiencing difficulties.....introverts spend time aloen and enjoy it remember.......they also have a small select group of friends and family they trust and adore normally.......introverts have support ......she will be supported by people who love her...whether she thought you were her soul mate or not...it wasn't meant to be.... so let her go compassionately....but with honesty........end it soon...dont let any more time go by....... 1
BigGirlPantiesOn Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 Stop trying to control how she will feel or think. Be a gracious gentlemen and tell the truth with love and kindness. 2
Philosoraptor Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 Thank you for the replies and kind words. I probably should have added, and this will throw a spanner in the works, that we work together. I work at an animal shelter and she volunteers there. It was her love of animals that drew me towards her. I can't tell her to give the shelter up and I can't afford to (mine is a paying job). What is the best way to deal with still having to see each other. Obviously I will avoid her as much as possible but wont that just seem like I am avoiding her and seem harsh, as though I no longer even like her as a friend? If you cross paths be kind, courteous, and do not engage in talk about "us" or "we". Yours is a job, hers is a hobby. She can volunteer at any shelter or help animals in many ways. If she chooses to stay there she is making the choice to suffer, you can not control that. Just be kind and give no false hope.
Author david no arms Posted August 30, 2013 Author Posted August 30, 2013 If you cross paths be kind, courteous, and do not engage in talk about "us" or "we". Yours is a job, hers is a hobby. She can volunteer at any shelter or help animals in many ways. If she chooses to stay there she is making the choice to suffer, you can not control that. Just be kind and give no false hope. You make it sound so easy but to me that sounds like hell. I don't know if I can walk past her at a time when she may be upset (from one of the animals for example) and not give her a hug. I mean I would give any person who works there a hug in that situation, by not doing it I would feel like a real bastard. But I gather from what has been said in these replies that that hug is going to be misinterpreted so I just can't do it, that's going to be tough. I understand your advice and it makes sense so thank you for that. I just think the implementation is not going to be smooth.
Philosoraptor Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 You make it sound so easy but to me that sounds like hell. I don't know if I can walk past her at a time when she may be upset (from one of the animals for example) and not give her a hug. I mean I would give any person who works there a hug in that situation, by not doing it I would feel like a real bastard. But I gather from what has been said in these replies that that hug is going to be misinterpreted so I just can't do it, that's going to be tough. I understand your advice and it makes sense so thank you for that. I just think the implementation is not going to be smooth. Oh it always sucks, no question there. And unless she just drops her feelings, it will be incerdibly rocky. But you have to take a step back and look at things logically and for the long term, not the short term. Yes, any affection is going to be taken the wrong way until she has fully healed. Which could take awhile based on your description of her and what she feels about the relationship.
Author david no arms Posted August 31, 2013 Author Posted August 31, 2013 We are supposed to be going out for dinner tonight, just the two of us. I am so stressed about this, not the dinner, about breaking up. Do I tell her before hand and not go to dinner, after dinner, when I drop her home, another time altogether. I can't believe I am feeling this way. I feel guilty about breaking up. I have done this before and knew it was right and never felt like this. I am hurting inside, it's doing my head in. She has touched me deeply as a person, we are just not right for each other, I can't figure out a right way to do this.
HokeyReligions Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 You've already got it. Print out your posts. Give them to her with a flower. Be straight forward and be brief and give her the posts. Just tell her you don't know what or how to say it and hope she will read your 'note' then walk away. She's going to be burt. You can't avoid it.
Sparkle304 Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 Also please do not ask to remain friends! Sometimes that is mistaken as a sign that you may get back together. If she asks for friendship, tell her that you just can't do that right now. You will hurt her. She will cry. There's no point in bringing up her introvert personality as that will likely cause her to view the breakup as entirely her fault.
Author david no arms Posted August 31, 2013 Author Posted August 31, 2013 Well that didn’t go well at all. I was a gentle as I could be while still making it clear and she did not take it well at all. I just told her that she is a very gorgeous and attractive woman and thanked her for dating me but we can’t go on because we are not compatible. And that she will be happy in the long run with someone who is a better fit for her. You could probably add about 100 umm’s and ahh’s in there, it was very very hard to say. I literally felt like I wanted to vomit. I feel like trash for making her feel like this. When I started pursuing her I had very honest intentions. I was not after her just to get in her pants and be her first like I was accused of, I had and still have very real feelings. In fact so much so that part of the reason we split was because she always said yes. I know I would have taken advantage of that more than what I already did had we stayed together and she deserves better than that. I need a girl that will say no, or at least not yet. I want someone who will argue back with me rather than agree with everything I say. I was hoping not to be the a-hole first boyfriend that used her. I know I didn’t do that but that is the way she sees me now. I hope that will pass and she will come to realize that I really did and still do care. She got really hooked up on specifics rather than the overall relationship experience. She is angry that she “did anal sex for me”. I don’t see it that way at all, I asked, she said yes, but it wasn’t the right time to argue the point. There are other specifics but there’s no need for the world to know what we did. She hated me for most of this conversation, you could see it in her eyes. But then there was this weird moment when she asked me to kiss her one last time. Of course I didn’t but that just sent her into an uncontrollable fit of crying. It was very hard to not just grab her and comfort her. Honestly I would have done that had I not spoken here first about this. When she got out of the car she only made it half way across the yard before she collapsed. I had to go to her, I couldn’t just leave her there. Just as I was helping her up her mom came out a ran over. I handed her to her mom and told her we had just broken up and I was so sorry for hurting her daughter. We were all crying now and her mom just said she really loved you, how could you do this, just leave. This was honestly the hardest thing I have ever done, it was heart wrenching seeing the look on her face when I said those words. I really just want to bury myself under a rock right now. I consider myself a decent man, right now, to her, I am the worst person alive. It does not feel good to know someone you care about hates your guts. I don’t know if I did the right thing or of my words and actions were right but I did the best I could. I never want to have to do that again. I am not sure I will heal any quicker from this than she will. Sorry about the length of this, just letting my thoughts flow. TL;DR. We split, She hates me, I’m sad.
Leigh 87 Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 Oh god, that sounds positively AWFUL. I am SO sorry... First of all, you ARE a decent man. You broke up with her because you were not madly in love with her and you did not want to marry her and commit your life to her. You are RIGHT. She DESERVES a man who feels the same way about her, as she feels about him!!!!!!!! SO many guys string girls along! Or, they stay in a relationship when they are not crazily in love with a girl because it is too hard to break up, and the sex and company and perks of a relationship are convenient for them. I commend you on your strength to end things, when it was the RIGHT, albeit HARDEST thing to do. ....................................................... When it comes to her reaction? Look, it was to be expected. I think you knew it would end badly. You could probably sense that she was really into you. It is irrational; she is in love and got her heart broken. He mother hates seeing her like this, so she irrationally hates you right now right along with her daughter..... As long as you keep things in perspective, you will be fine!!!!! These people hate you not for who you are as a person, but for how you made a girl FEEL. ........................................................... I collapsed when my ex broke up with me. It is one of the most awful things a girl can go through; losing a man she is in love with and envisioned marrying..... It is 3 or 4 months post break up for me and I am moving on from him and have even been exploring other guys. I wish you the best of luck, stay strong and do not reach out to her, no matter how worried you are DO tell her, though, that you are not going to contact her again, and it is NOT because you are heartless and do not care. Tell her you cannot talk to her again because you do not want to give her false hope. So yeah, before no contact starts just make sure you explain to her that you DO care about her very much and you DO feel the urge to comfort her and check to see how she is doing. Then explain that not contacting her will actually be the best thing for HER. She will get over you sooner and the pain will stop for her sooner. That is the only advice I think you should listen to really. Make sure she knows she is not being ignored because she meant nothing to you! A lot of girls on here mistakenly think the guy is in no contact with them because he does not care and they must not have meant anything to him after all! We are all here if you want to talk more about this. Sorry again for what you're going through. I totally see how awful it is for the dumper as well as the person BEING dumped. My ex also felt terrible for hurting me.
Author david no arms Posted September 1, 2013 Author Posted September 1, 2013 Hey what does everyone do to stay away from their ex. It has only been one day I am really missing her. It would be so easy to pick up the phone and say let's try again. I just wanted to be alone with my thoughts today but that didn't work. I actually made myself physically ill thinking of what I did to her. It's killing me. I've been here alone tonight and I've had too much to drink but it's the only thing that works. Numb the pain so it goes away. It's not supposed to be like this. I broke up because it was the right thing to do. I could have used her and done so many things with her but I respected her too much. So why all this pain? I think maybe I really do love her. Breaking up was never this hard before, nowhere near it.
GG3 Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 Some men do the fade away. You did the right thing. Don't beat yourself up. She was going to take it hard no matter what. Even if you weren't in love you were going to be attached to her.
Philosoraptor Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 Hey what does everyone do to stay away from their ex. It has only been one day I am really missing her. It would be so easy to pick up the phone and say let's try again. I just wanted to be alone with my thoughts today but that didn't work. I actually made myself physically ill thinking of what I did to her. It's killing me. I've been here alone tonight and I've had too much to drink but it's the only thing that works. Numb the pain so it goes away. It's not supposed to be like this. I broke up because it was the right thing to do. I could have used her and done so many things with her but I respected her too much. So why all this pain? I think maybe I really do love her. Breaking up was never this hard before, nowhere near it. First, you were as gentle and honest as possible. It's always very hard to do it that way, and it hurts you more as the dumper to put that much effort into it... but everyone heals faster because of it. About staying away, yes as the dumper you will have moments you want to make contact. The thing is to remind yourself that the relationship was failing and wasn't going to make it forever. By keeping no contact and healing now, you will give yourself the most time and best chance to find the right person to fit into your life. You may have loved her, but you know it wasn't going to last forever, and you weren't fully content in the relationship. Do not let yourself get into the cycle of starting then breaking up again once that quick honeymoon ends... it will eat away at the both of you.
Author david no arms Posted September 3, 2013 Author Posted September 3, 2013 Well I have created a huge mess. I did something stupid and drank myself into a stupor and ended up in hospital. I was lucky my housemate came home otherwise it could have been a lot worse. And to think, I rarely drink normally, I was just feeling pretty rotten about what had gone down. Anyway when I came to in the hospital my ex was sitting by my bed. My housemate rang her to tell her not knowing we had split. She came rushing down and didn't leave my bedside. I was in no condition to tell her to please leave so she came home with me to look after me. We slept in my bed together last night, just sleeping, nothing more. I've screwed everything up haven't I? It's going to be so much harder to say it again and I'm not sure I even want to. She seems to have matured in the space of a few days. I realise I am not really in a great position to judge that just yet but she has definitely said she's not taking no for an answer a few times and I have heard her on the phone to her parents telling them that she is "finally taking control" and that they need to "leave her alone". I have never heard her talk like that before, it's very refreshing. I don't know what to do. If she is maturing then I want to be with her. That was the catalyst for breaking up. If she's not then I need to break up again. Well technically it's not going to be breaking up as we never got back together but she is acting that way. With all the previous advice in mind, do these new developments change anything?
KatZee Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 No one suddenly matured and changes in a span of 3 days. She may be jolted into a new mindset but it will not last. If you got back together it would be a mistake. It's very easy to confuse your feelings of pain right now as a sign you made a mistake. This is more or less your body detaching quite suddenly from a person you did like and care for, so it's normal to have these waves of emotion. That still doesn't mean you two are right together. You need serious alone time to know whether this was a mistake or not. Three days does not = serious alone time. It's even harder since you see her on a regular basis. Watch the drinking as well. Tell her you appreciate her being there for you, what you did was incredibly foolish but you still need time and space to process the split. 1
Sparkle304 Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 I think you're feeling vulnerable at the moment and deep down you realize that getting back together is not the right choice, but rather the EASY choice (for the time being anyway!) I'm sure you're very confused about your feelings.... Keep posting....
Author david no arms Posted September 4, 2013 Author Posted September 4, 2013 I'm sure you're very confused about your feelings.... Yes I am. I ended the relationship because she always said yes and I felt I was taking advantage of that and that was not who I wanted to be. If we had two parties on the same night, one her friends, one mine, we would always go to mine. One day we were going to go to the zoo. She was talking about it for weeks because I had organised a behind the scenes encounter with the gorillas. On the day it got cancelled by them (sick gorilla) but I just told her we were not going and would go on a picnic instead. She just said ok then. Of course I explained the reason afterwards but she just said yes to me initially, I would have liked her to say no I want to go to the zoo. The same happens in the bedroom which I wont share because it's private but she has never said no to me. She was a virgin when we met and I sometimes feel like I am moving too fast but when I ask she just says whatever you want. I could fill a whole book with similar examples. Some guys might like a subservient woman but that's not me. I do realise it is only a few days but she has said no to me and no to her parents in that time. I have never heard he say no before. I am impressed by it. Is it a permanent change? Who knows. The question I am asking myself is do I want to stay around and find out or end it again. If she has changed I want to be back with her, I never would have left if she had always been what she has been the last few days.
Sparkle304 Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 I think you're over-inflating the 'changes' you've seen in her. People do not change their behaviour overnight - if ever. Be truthful with yourself! Do you really think she has altered her behaviour? If you have doubts, please do not lead her on!!!
GG3 Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 Her not saying no is part of her personality. It may take her time to come out of her shell and start saying no, or she may be too agreeable for you.
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