moimeme Posted November 14, 2004 Posted November 14, 2004 How is it that someone can 'fall in love' with someone they've never met? We humans are geared to hope. We want to believe in people. We want to believe that others are honest, particularly if we ourselves are honest. Therefore, when people tell us their beliefs and values and ideals and life stories, we believe them. They tell us they are kind people who have always been misunderstood by the cruel world and we believe them. They tell us they are never angry or never drink or are 'nice' and we believe them. Many don't deceive intentionally. They do not understand or are unwilling to recognize that they do not live up to their own publicity. I've seen someone who assured me he was a 'nice guy' behave dreadfully to people. I've seen someone who assured me he rarely drank get drunk almost daily. People need to believe they are good. People who behave other than ideally sometimes deal with the discrepancy between their behaviour and the ideal by deceiving themselves that they are actually behaving according to the ideal. And they tell others that. It's a known psychological syndrome and is called 'cognitive dissonance'. Of course, not everybody is that way but until you have checked out a person for yourself and spent enough time with that person to determine whether he or she walks the talk, you only love a phantom. So if you find yourself planning a future with someone you've never met, put the brakes on. I'm not saying never meet the person and that everyone's a liar. However, the smart way to go about it is to meet the person as soon as you can and, if you both think it's a good idea, arrange to spend a lot of time with the person. But leave yourself an out. If you want to move to that person's town but aren't sure you'd want to live there forever, leave your possessions in storage and rent a room in the new town for a while. Don't move in with the person right away - there'll be time to do that if you find that you are compatible in 3D. People have met online and subsequently married so it's not always a bad idea. It just needs to be approached with caution and in the understanding that people in 3D may not be as they seem at a distance.
whichwayisup Posted November 14, 2004 Posted November 14, 2004 I agree 100%. Thing about online friendships/romances...It is easy to open up and say anything through typing. I do know some stuff I talk about it online with my friends is so easy...I think my thoughts and it just comes pouring out through my finger tips. Face to face friends I don't do that. My thoughts and words are diff. and come out differently because it's talking not writing. This is a problem with online romances. It is so wonderful to get caught up in the moment, the feel of energy from the other person, seeing those words of love, or just what you think is genuine kindness. I have heard of afew horror stories here and there...I have been lucky to not have experienced that and I hope I never do. My friends online I take very seriously and some to heart. I do keep my eyes open. The ones I want to know better, we have phone numbers and talk on the phone occasionally. Anyone considering an online romance should really take steps of getting to know the other person by phone as well. Share alot, and just go with your gut. Sometimes the gut is wrong, but I bet deep down if there was were signs of something not quite right..SOme things just don't add up?? Do you know what I mean.... I know of 3 friends who have married. Met online and they are very happy. I think though, joining a support group and stumbling on someone by accident is better and not planned, not really looking for it, then joining some 'romance' or 'singles scene'. I bet on there, there are LOTS of players and shakers who are just in it for the heck of it. Keep the shields up until ya know for sure. Date, get to know other friends/family members/coworkers...See how this person is in 'real' life and just not 'online life'. There is more to life than jsut the good ol' happy feelings. Life SUCKS alot, ups and downs...Sure online is great, but if that person cannot deal with whatever they don't show up or come online. Face to face it's harder to hide...You can tell right away if you're being dicked around or not. Just my thoughts. WWIU
Author moimeme Posted November 14, 2004 Author Posted November 14, 2004 ...You can tell right away if you're being dicked around or not. Well, not necessarily. That's another myth we tell ourselves. LS is full of stories of people who believed in their partners and ended up deceived. You can't tell right away. That's the thing. It takes time. A person who is intent on deceiving you, or who is very unaware of his or her own problems, can keep up a front for months. From my experiences and from those of others I've known and those on this site and others I've read about, it takes a minimum of six months for the hard-core deception to start breaking down. The real good shams can be kept up for a year or more. Plenty of very bright people have been conned by deceivers because the very bright people thought they could 'tell right away' if someone is dishonest. Studies done on people to determine how good they are at detecting lies show that most folks are terrible at figuring out if someone is lying. So don't kid yourself. Even meeting someone face to face will only tell you so much. It's spending time with someone over time that reveals the truth. There is no substitute.
bluetuesday Posted November 14, 2004 Posted November 14, 2004 someone pretty bright once told me that the majority of people who use the internet are not psychopaths, but that the majority of psychopaths use the internet. worth thinking about.
Author moimeme Posted November 14, 2004 Author Posted November 14, 2004 Ask that person for a study proving it People get every bit as deceived by face-to-face relationships. It's one's own willingness to believe that's the problem in either instance. It's not that any one place is more dangerous than another, it's just that you have to apply precautions in all cases. Many people have met wonderful people on the 'Net. I've met some great people this way. You just have to be careful is all. But the same goes at home. You should no more bring a stranger to your home that you've just met at a bar - you can come to grief that way, too. The lesson to be learned is not 'the internet is bad' but 'take enough time to really know somebody in person'.
bluetuesday Posted November 14, 2004 Posted November 14, 2004 Originally posted by moimeme Ask that person for a study proving it he'll love that. it was dyer, of course.
bluechocolate Posted November 14, 2004 Posted November 14, 2004 How is it that someone can 'fall in love' with someone they've never met? As strange & puzzling as we humans can be I still find it difficult to understand. I see nothing wrong with using the internet as a tool to meet people and/or to communicate with others. But it's nothing more than that. Falling in love with an email or an IM message makes about as much sense as falling in love with that chick sitting in the corner.
Author moimeme Posted November 14, 2004 Author Posted November 14, 2004 Well, it's not generally 'an' email or IM. It's usually dozens and then scores and then hundreds. And it's hours on the phone. And the conversations are geared to finding commonalities, just as they are when you're talking to the chick across the table on your fourteenth and fifteenth dates. And commonalities build bonds, so the more people find they share, the stronger the bond that is created. It's not myth or magic. It's basic psychology. If you break down the reasons you love someone, it has little to do with what the person looks like or sounds like though those aspects do have some relevance. It's more that you find that you share something together that you don't share with others. And much of that sharing is caused by the commonalities. As in 3D relationships, people can pretend to commonalities they don't actually share in order to win the other person over. Some people do it deliberately for sport. Others are just too needy or too unaware of their own true natures to be honest. But the essence of the situation is the same - you will like somebody with whom you share a great deal. It wasn't that long ago that women could be won over by billets-doux. That they aren't delivered twice a day by liveried servants hasn't spoiled their charm.
bluechocolate Posted November 14, 2004 Posted November 14, 2004 you will like somebody with whom you share a great deal.... and send your brain on vacation.
Author moimeme Posted November 14, 2004 Author Posted November 14, 2004 Your brain is complicit in all this. It's the one saying 'look how many ways we are similar! Isn't this wonderful!' It's your distrust you send on vacation. After all, being able to trust somebody is one of the great things about a relationship. Trouble is, vacation time for trust should come a lot later in the relationship.
bluechocolate Posted November 14, 2004 Posted November 14, 2004 Trouble is, vacation time for trust should come a lot later in the relationship. So true.
Dakini Posted November 15, 2004 Posted November 15, 2004 Oh, Moi, trust me - its very very very easy and very illogical to fall in love over the Internet. Trust me, I am an expert! The object of your love might be a mystery or a mythology or a lier or a psychopath, but love is love, no matter what form it comes in.
meanon Posted November 15, 2004 Posted November 15, 2004 I found this research quite interesting. It's on all types of online relationships (mainly friendships) and compares them to offline ones: http://www.fragment.nl/mirror/various/Parks_et_al.1997.Making_moosic.htm In the main, relationships form online in the same way that they do IRL. People report that they are characterised by developing very quickly as the medium lends itself to self disclosure. Risk taking is more likely as people feel safer. Not surprisingly, off line relationships are reported as being more highly developed but the difference is small and no differences were found in breadth and depth of interaction. A third of the people interviewed progressed to meeting IRL. The net is a tool for meeting people but it's also an exceptionally powerful facilitator of social interaction in it's own right. People perceive the relationships formed as being meaningful. That's interesting in itself, though I'd be even more interested in seeing research that has an objective (rather than subjective) assessment of the quality of the relationships. Mind you, that's pretty difficult to achieve IRL, never mind on the net As you say, Moi, people sometimes consciously or subconsciously deceive. It's probably a minority but it's certainly wise to be cautious.
Tony Posted November 15, 2004 Senior Moderators Posted November 15, 2004 Regretably, I have concealed from LoveShackers the fact that I am really Tom Cruise and for that I am truly sorry!
Thinkalot Posted November 15, 2004 Posted November 15, 2004 Lol Tony! Interesting comments meanon. I have been amazed by how meaningul online friendships can feel/be. It's something I would have laughed at once, before I experienced it myself. I live in a town without many young people, and I have only a very small friend base here. Therefore LS and other such sites have provided support, fresh perspective and balance at certain times when I have needed it. moi- your warning is certainly wise. People are often not what they seem when you meet them in the flesh, let alone on the net.
Author moimeme Posted November 15, 2004 Author Posted November 15, 2004 Regretably, I have concealed from LoveShackers the fact that I am really Tom Cruise and for that I am truly sorry! Expect a flood of PMs, then, Tom. Mine'll not be among them. Never been much of a Cruise fan, me. Maybe Salma is
meanon Posted November 15, 2004 Posted November 15, 2004 Maybe Salma is OMG, how did you guess? My secret is out!
Mary3 Posted November 16, 2004 Posted November 16, 2004 Its possible that a small percentage of the online users who frequent chatrooms don't feel that they might measure up in the physical sense to others and the delay in meeting might be better explained if that person were say** 350 lbs but was sending Tom Cruise Like Pics ** to the prospective girls out there. I think that ( if ) you use this ( Internet Love Connection ) as a Romantic Means that eventually you come to the understanding that you DO need to meet that person and spend REAL quality time with them and let that relationship simmer for at least 6 months before you turn it to a full Boil And you cannot possibly believe that this person is really a CEO when in reality he flips burgers for W***dy's...until you actually meet him Take most of what that person says with a grain of salt ....find out the old fashioned way....time reveals all ( hopefully ) So take your time and get to know that person. I heartily agree that you should never MOVE in with someone who lives in SwampSkunk Kentucky and promises you the world....you are better to get your own place. But then again I would not move to another state just because of that person being there...rather I would move there because I wanted to be there to start a new life and have an alternate back up plan if you new love fails and you are stuck 3,000 miles from home....
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