Author LinkWorshiper Posted September 1, 2013 Author Posted September 1, 2013 LW, Given what you have posted in your other threads about your current emotional state and inability to eat or sleep, I strongly urge you to put the focus on taking care of yourself right now rather than interacting further with your ex. Please, please, please, prioritize yourself, not this man and the emotional turmoil he creates. M. Well I guess when I was posting before, it was like right after the argument and I was really messed up. Then in the past two days where I've been thinking about just offering the olive branch and then leaving it at that. Then he hits me up today and we had this really solid conversation. I think I am planning to go into it with way more boundaries in place. It's really frustrating because when we ARE managing to not having stupid conversations and we are actually in the place where we were when things were good, I really, really enjoy his company. Urgh.
Minneloa Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 Well I guess when I was posting before, it was like right after the argument and I was really messed up. Then in the past two days where I've been thinking about just offering the olive branch and then leaving it at that. Then he hits me up today and we had this really solid conversation. I think I am planning to go into it with way more boundaries in place. It's really frustrating because when we ARE managing to not having stupid conversations and we are actually in the place where we were when things were good, I really, really enjoy his company. Urgh. Of course, it is your decision. But your other recent posts painted a very dire picture of your current emotional state, including taking an extended leave from work. I am just concerned this ongoing interaction with him has taken a severe toll on your well-being.
Author LinkWorshiper Posted September 1, 2013 Author Posted September 1, 2013 The cynic in me sees him using you as a fallback (thus his determination to keep you in goodstanding), but he might simply be utterly confused, incapable (at least at the moment) to assertively say "I want this, I don't want that", which may also explain his aggressive reaction to your question (fickle people don't like to be called out on their fickle behavior - it's their comfort zone, so to speak) Is he typically fickle? I don't want to assume he is here either. You helped me out earlier, and I'm sure you'd love to hear good news, but you want to "be prepared", so maybe this can help you some. Tread slowly. Hang out some more with an eye vigilant for particular patterns. If the mixed signals continue for too long, you ought to call him out on it though (better to have a clear idea of where you stand than getting strung along for a ride through purgatory) He may be madly in love with you inside, but if his actions reflect something else, really, what does it matter? You are totally right that he is crazy confused. He has no idea what he wants, and the talk we had today kind of further indicates that. He told me that he doesn't want to have anyone around that will make him question his process of figuring himself out, nor does he want anything serious, just people who will be empathetic and supportive. But part of me wonders how having a bunch of yeasayers is going to help him. I've never known him to be fickle when we were in the relationship, but he avoids things a lot if it's easier to not deal with it. I also think he has commitment issues, and not just in relationships, but even with hobbies and what to study in school and that kind of thing. I would say that's his number one problem. I guess I worry that it's going to turn out how it was before I went NC because of this other girl, where we would hang out and I was like just trying to help him through his stuff. The biggest difference is that his communication with me now is actually A LOT different than it was back then and I feel like we are talking about things even better than before... which was even better than before that. I plan to show up but make it clear that there is a difference between girlfriend me and friend me, and he will have to decide what he wants. Because I won't be in a relationship that is the exact same except without the benefits, you know? I do think it's a good idea to just put my foot down more instead of worrying that I'll say something he won't like, even if he's all concerned about people who won't be supportive. I think he has to figure out what exactly that means.
Author LinkWorshiper Posted September 1, 2013 Author Posted September 1, 2013 Of course, it is your decision. But your other recent posts painted a very dire picture of your current emotional state, including taking an extended leave from work. I am just concerned this ongoing interaction with him has taken a severe toll on your well-being. Well, I'm still taking that leave from work. I think it's key regardless, because the whole rollercoaster since the break up, the good, the bad and the ugly, plus the fact that my boss is a nightmare of her own, has just taken a huge chunk out of me. The worst part is that like even this morning, I was crying and rolling around on my bed so upset and anxious that I'd ruined everything, and now all I feel is relief that it's not been totally destroyed. If I learned one thing, it's that the gloves have got to come off when I interact with him from now on. I still love him, but no more coddling.
BC1980 Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 I really think you need to go NC. I just went NC a week ago after breaking up 4 months ago. My ex was confused, didn't know what he wanted, basically he still wanted me as an emotional crutch/companionship but didn't want to commit to the relationship. I went NC for my own sanity. I do feel badly for him that he is alone now, but I had to put myself first. I told him very nicely that I needed some space between us for myself. I never blamed him for it or got emotional. I just calmly told him these things. Yes, it's been sad for me. Very sad as we were together for 3 years, but I know I did the right thing. I'm sorry it had to come to this for me and my ex, but the fact remains that I had to put myself first. I've read your previous threads, and I feel that you can at least control not talking to him. You can't control a lot of things in your life, but you can at least ask him for NC for an indefinite period of time.
Author LinkWorshiper Posted September 1, 2013 Author Posted September 1, 2013 I really think you need to go NC. I just went NC a week ago after breaking up 4 months ago. My ex was confused, didn't know what he wanted, basically he still wanted me as an emotional crutch/companionship but didn't want to commit to the relationship. I went NC for my own sanity. I do feel badly for him that he is alone now, but I had to put myself first. I told him very nicely that I needed some space between us for myself. I never blamed him for it or got emotional. I just calmly told him these things. Yes, it's been sad for me. Very sad as we were together for 3 years, but I know I did the right thing. I'm sorry it had to come to this for me and my ex, but the fact remains that I had to put myself first. I've read your previous threads, and I feel that you can at least control not talking to him. You can't control a lot of things in your life, but you can at least ask him for NC for an indefinite period of time. That sounds a lot like my situation. Except I DID ask for NC when I found out he was interested in another girl, and he broke it by writing me that letter (which I'm sure you read about in my previous threads). We were NC for almost a month and a half at that point. So here I was thinking maybe he had some sort of realization, especially when we really started talking again until I called him out on it when he finally admitted he was still seeing this other girl. I'm really sad because I don't want him to be alone and I want to take care of myself and I want things to be okay between us and maybe eventually work out in the future. He admitted he wasn't in a place where he wanted anything serious and worried he wasn't capable of understanding my needs with where he was at. But he was saying all the right things to me yesterday and my feelings are so confused right now. These conversations we're having now are better than they've ever been, but I don't want to let it only be about him anymore.
Author LinkWorshiper Posted September 1, 2013 Author Posted September 1, 2013 My ex is pretty much doing the same thing your ex is doing. Here's my story: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/412572-don-t-know I think you have to decide whether he's worth it. Can you see yourself in the future with him? If you do, maybe you can try LC?? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/412572-don-t-know This is the way I'm handling things: Your Ex Confused About His/Her Feelings For You? | | Ask Love Doctor Yangki Christine Akiteng I think the main question is whether he's worth it or not. If not, just ask him to stop contacting you and that you want to move on. Good luck. I think what sucks is that I DO think he's worth it. Despite all this emotional confusion, he is the kind of person I want to spend my time/life with, and I know I've never felt like this about anyone before. And I've been in crappy relationships/friendships before and I've ended them even though it was hard and moved forward. It's just so different this time. I will read your links though. I hope they help and thank you.
Simon Phoenix Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 Self-inflicted punishment. That's all this thread is. I mean, this has got you so messed up that you are screwing up at work. If that's not a reason to go NC, I don't know what is.
Pearlbay Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 (edited) So you've been in this emotional rollercoaster since january and plan to keep torturing this guy while he's a total mess? Seems kind of selfish don't you think? I broke up my 26 months relationship previous monday and little by little it's going better... I seriously can't imagine myself dragging a load of stress with me for over 7 months. It's not healthy for either of you. Edited September 2, 2013 by Pearlbay
Minneloa Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 So you've been in this emotional rollercoaster since january and plan to keep torturing this guy while he's a total mess? Seems kind of selfish don't you think? I broke up my 26 months relationship previous monday and little by little it's going better... I seriously can't imagine myself dragging a load of stress with me for over 7 months. It's not healthy for either of you. From what she posted, I think LW is torturing herself, not him.
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