yankeefa Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 Ok, so I need help with this one... I started talking to a girl on a dating website about 5 months ago. we messaged back and forth for a month before she agreed to meet me and then we saw each other a lot from that point on. After a month of seeing each other, i made it obvious i wanted to be exclusive. before we had even met in person i took down and deleted my profile because i wanted to give this a good shot at working. at this point i had "accidentally" browsed through her history and saw she was still on the dating site...plus 3 others.. i let it be for the time being and checked again after a week or so and still the same thing.. i brought it up to her by asking why shes still on there if she thinks this could work out and she said she just goes on to check her messages and she responds by saying she is in a relationship. she ended up taking down the profiles but never deleting them?? i feel like that does nothing bc ppl can still see and message you which u get notified by in your email. anyway we were exclusive at this point and i didnt ever truly check whether she did take them down to be honest and about a month later i couldn't help myself and checked her history..she had recently been on one of the sites but it was a little obvious that she had so little history that shes probably using incognito mode or private browsing whatever u want to call it.. so i got upset and fought w her over it which she made me feel like i was twisting things in my head..anyway we continued for another 2 months and then broke up over something that wouldnt be an issue if i didnt feel so insecure about how she really feels about me.. am i crazy for thinking that if your with someone that you should delete your profile (paid or not) completely and not just deactivate? i understand some people are addicted to these websites but i feel like its very disrespectful to the other person who deleted everything.. someone please help me see this more clearly!!
thatone Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 First strike.. Refusing to meet you for a month. There's a reason for this. Maybe she was with some other guy and cheating on him or planning to. Maybe she's paranoid delusional. Maybe she was doing lots of things but the bottom line is dating sites are for dates, so if someone is refusing to meet people from one that's a red flag. Second strike... You ignored the above red flag and jumped right into a sort of commitment with her, which she obviously didn't want. Why? No good can come of such a thing. If the girl wants to be with you she won't go anywhere. If she doesn't, she will leave. But nothing you tell her about YOUR intentions is going to make any difference about that. So don't do it. Third strike.... You continued to snoop even though you knew what you were going to find. What's the point? You should have known this already. You then took the information you knew you were going to find and proceeded to start an argument with it. Again, why? You can't control what she does, only what you do. You need to stop pressuring random women to jump into a relationship with you and observe a lot more than you react. People who behave like you have done treat dating like shopping for a pet, and when the pet doesn't live up to their expectations they get angry as if the pet has slighted them. That's BS, everyone can do whatever they want. You aren't going to have any luck controlling them and trying to make them do what you want them to. 1
Author yankeefa Posted August 30, 2013 Author Posted August 30, 2013 First strike.. very possible, never even considered that.. but would explain why things feel the way they do now.. Second strike... i wish i knew this one ahead of time thatone. i thought i was being smart about it, when in all reality i should have come to terms with why she was still on all of them. she would mention now n again that she just goes on as an "impulse." This is what i find awful about those sites, girls as well as guys can get addicted to these things and then end up straining the relationship they formed from them!! such a different world of dating online... Third strike.... This is truer (i think i made up a word here) than i want it to be... i wanted her so badly to get off the sites without saying anything bc i did like her and she always talked about making plans for the summer/fall which was 2/3 months down the road.. im not saying i didnt put pressure on her to change what she was doing, bc i definitely did, but if you say you want a relationship with someone and constantly say how good i am to her, why is there any compulsion to stay on a dating website?? its just obviously a sore point for me and disappointed that this is something you have to worry about with people that are on dating websites.. the point is to find someone you can trust and love no? anyway, much appreciated for the response thatone
RedRobin Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 OP, going forward.... I'd suggest you not take any of that seriously. On, off, whatever. Even if he/she didn't have a profile up, they could still hookup with people offline if that is what they wanted to do. I personally don't stress about it. Just observe. Give the person rope to hang by. Then see what they do with that rope. Talk about your expectations... once... Then just walk if you aren't on the same page. No biggie. 1
Author yankeefa Posted August 30, 2013 Author Posted August 30, 2013 snyder i appreciate the input, i feel as if i was being controlling without wanting to be..especially bc we decided to take the relationship further once i brought it up. with that said, i have to say, and im sure you realize this, but putting my profile back up is contradictory on my part and also that would be emotionally beating someone up intentionally.. if i cant talk to her about how i feel about that i would definitely have to walk without saying anything and i cant cut things off with people i care about like that...i am, after all, terribly prone to falling for girls that give me attention. i wish that was a good trait to have, but i think causes that controlling side to sneak up on me
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