NomiMalone Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 His birthday will roll around in 2 weeks. We broke up 2 months ago. I was the dumper (I love him immensely but he hurt me too many times). He didn't want to break up. I didn't either, but I couldn't live with his actions.) NC 2 weeks now. Should I wish him a Happy Birthday? I would really like to, but I don't know whether hearing from me would hurt him. What do you think? Thank you 1
unexpectedlyhere Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 If you do, just say "Happy birthday" and nothing else. If you think you may be tempted to write further, or respond, or it would hurt him if you wrote to him, then don't. 2
Legatus Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 (edited) "Happy Birthday" may be enough to start the flow of messages and you"ll have to start nc over again. My ex didn't do it even though she dumped me. I know the urge to stay "nice" but think about what it may mean to him etc Edited August 30, 2013 by Legatus 3
clementyne Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 I'm in the same boat! I asked this in another thread: I have a question about this... My ex wished me on my birthday and his birthday is coming up. Is it polite to wish him back or is it better to say nothing?? I also kinda want it to get under his skin that I never wished him, but would that come across as mean and petty?? Then after reading another poster's comment, I figured: Yeah I was kinda struggling with this too... It might affect my conscience for a few days, but when you put it like that, i.e. not boosting their ego or giving them attention, I think the payoff is greater in terms of self-respect. I can live with not wishing him if it means losing the little power I've gained, in case he decides to ignore me or use it as an ego boost. In fact I think (or hope) that it would deflate his ego somewhat, as I would be the only one *not* wishing him when usually I'd be the first...
clementyne Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 The only thing I have a problem with is the fact that he wished me, so though by staying silent I don't lose anything, on the other hand I keep thinking does it make me look like the 'smaller' person since he wished me??
Author NomiMalone Posted August 30, 2013 Author Posted August 30, 2013 The only thing I have a problem with is the fact that he wished me, so though by staying silent I don't lose anything, on the other hand I keep thinking does it make me look like the 'smaller' person since he wished me?? Hi Clementyne, thanks for your reply! I've just replied to VanCal's bday thread as well! lol May I ask if your ex was the dumper or dumpee? If he was the dumper, you have no obligations whatsoever to wish him a happy birthday, even in reciprocation. So don't feel bad about not sending wishes. I say this though without knowing the specifics of your relationship and break up. I feel it's different in every case... it's so hard to know what to do :/ 1
Author NomiMalone Posted August 30, 2013 Author Posted August 30, 2013 If you do, just say "Happy birthday" and nothing else. If you think you may be tempted to write further, or respond, or it would hurt him if you wrote to him, then don't. Thanks unexpectedlyhere, not wanting to hurt him is the crux of my dilemma. Would it hurt him more if I DID send bday wishes and open up old wounds, or if I DIDN'T send bday wishes and open up old wounds? Bloody hell. Lol
Author NomiMalone Posted August 30, 2013 Author Posted August 30, 2013 "Happy Birthday" may be enough to start the flow of messages and you"ll have to start nc over again. My ex didn't do it even though she dumped me. I know the urge to stay "nice" but think about what it may mean to him etc Thanks Legatus, that's what I'm afraid of too! May I ask if you'd preferred that your ex did wish you a happy bday? Or we're you glad not to have heard from her?
barky2 Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 As someone who advocates do not contact especially on birthdays I'll tell you why. You send a happy birthday- IN HOPES OF MORE. How would you feel if you were to be ignored? You'd be back to day one. Don't do it Your not ready. What happens if the reply you get is " oh hey thanks I'm with my new bf/gf we are having a great dinner and going back to the house after " See what I'm getting at? Your not ready yet. Your hoping for so much more Please stop. Barky 1
Author NomiMalone Posted August 30, 2013 Author Posted August 30, 2013 (edited) Hi Barky, the thought of going back to day 1 is definitely unappealing, to say the least!!! Thing is though as much as I love him, I no longer want to be with him, and have moved to the other side of the country to to take up a new job that involves a promotion (he doesn't know). I was just wondering whether it'd hurt him more to hear from me or not hear from me. Its not ideal either way, I know! The only solution I can think of is to tell his mum to wish him a happy bday on behalf of me. Unfortunately I don't think there's a solution to these birthday dilemmas because no two relationships are the same and the circumstances surrounding each break up are different. Edited August 30, 2013 by NomiMalone
Zahara Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 There are going to be many more birthdays to come. It would be best to wait until the dust settles and extend your wishes when you both can treat a simple birthday wish as just that. And I am sure when the dust has settled and all this has been put behind, contact will be pleasantly welcomed without the possibility of hurt or confusion. 1
TrblinMN Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 I would say no do it. Being the dumped and still reeling from the breakup, I would totally read into and would only have my hopes crushed down the road. I would rather not get a text that have my hopes up. Just my 2 cents worth being the dumped person. 1
Author NomiMalone Posted August 31, 2013 Author Posted August 31, 2013 TrblinMN, I'm sorry to hear about your break up. I know how devastating it is & my heart goes out to you. I'm heartbroken from my loss also (even though I was the dumper - he hurt me too many times & I couldn't live with it anymore.) Thanks heaps for chiming in. Your point of view makes perfect sense and I'm convinced that NOT sending bday wishes would be the right thing to do. I'd hate to give him false hope. Thing is I also see so many posts here on LS from dumpees along the lines of, "how can she not contact me?" or "it hurts that she wants NC more than I do". I'm so scared he's thinking like this. Because it couldn't be FURTHER from the truth. The only things that stop me from breaking NC are that: 1) There's someone out there who's more compatible for him & so I have to let him go, and 2) As dumper, I no longer have a right to initiate contact. It would just break my heart if he thought I didn't contact him on his birthday due to a lack of care or not having remembered. But I really do think that giving false hope with a message is even more cruel. Sigh. 1
clementyne Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 (edited) Hi Clementyne, thanks for your reply! I've just replied to VanCal's bday thread as well! lol May I ask if your ex was the dumper or dumpee? If he was the dumper, you have no obligations whatsoever to wish him a happy birthday, even in reciprocation. So don't feel bad about not sending wishes. I say this though without knowing the specifics of your relationship and break up. I feel it's different in every case... it's so hard to know what to do :/ Hi Nomi Thanks for your reply. I saw your comment in the other thread and I agree. Reading all these comments has reinforced my decision of not wishing him as in my case he was the dumper, so it lets me off the hook - so to speak! But more than that, it just wouldn't feel right as I don't think I'm at that stage where I can just send a simple message and let that be that. There is still a lot of hurt which I need to deal with, and to be honest, if me not wishing him makes him feel bad even for a sec, it would actually make feel a teeny bit gratified, whereas it would be the other way round if I did wish him and he either ignored me or used it as some kinda ego booster. I would hate myself if that happened, so I'm not even gonna go there. In your case, you say you're the dumper but it was his behavior which led to it? Well then I would say unless he has changed or apologized for his behavior, just be consistent and don't wish him as you might end up confusing him by making him think you still care and think about him (which you may still do, but no need to spell it out! might raise hopes etc..) I think by not wishing them, it sends a stronger message, and I also love Barky's suggestion (in the other thread) about celebrating ourselves on their birthdays - what a great idea! Edited August 31, 2013 by clementyne
Author NomiMalone Posted August 31, 2013 Author Posted August 31, 2013 Hi Clementyne, yes you are off the hook!! I agree, you are not obliged to put yourself out there for him to gain an ego boost, or a chance to ignore you! My first boyfriend (of many years ago) dumped me, and I had no qualms about going stone cold NC on him, full stop - his bday being no exception. I went and read Barky's reply to VanCal's thread and I agree it's a great idea to treat ourselves on the day. So lets both do something nice for ourselves on our respective former partners' bdays! 1
clementyne Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 Hi Clementyne, yes you are off the hook!! I agree, you are not obliged to put yourself out there for him to gain an ego boost, or a chance to ignore you! My first boyfriend (of many years ago) dumped me, and I had no qualms about going stone cold NC on him, full stop - his bday being no exception. I went and read Barky's reply to VanCal's thread and I agree it's a great idea to treat ourselves on the day. So lets both do something nice for ourselves on our respective former partners' bdays! Hi Nomi, yep you're right...I don't really owe him anything and neither should he expect anything. It was just him wishing me that made me wonder whether I should do the same, but after coming on here, reading everyone's comments and having second thoughts, I've decided the best thing (in my case) is to simply not bother. It would really weaken my position and boost his ego, and that's the last thing I'd want. I know it's a little less clear-cut for you being the so-called 'dumper' and all, but you obviously had good reasons for doing so, and unless those reasons have changed, there's no need for you to break NC and end up confusing both your ex and yourself. I'm assuming that like me, the minute you send that message and he responds, it's gonna lead to a whole lot of other trouble which you probably don't need right now! So unless you're strong enough or ready to deal with all that, then just lay low. And the best way to do that, as you said, is to do something nice for ourselves on their birthdays. Hopefully it would help take our minds off them for a while and concentrate on what's important - ourselves! 1
Sugarkane Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 "Happy Birthday" may be enough to start the flow of messages and you"ll have to start nc over again. My ex didn't do it even though she dumped me. I know the urge to stay "nice" but think about what it may mean to him etc +1000 No dumper has ever wished me happy birthday. Why do the same for them?
Legatus Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 (edited) Thanks Legatus, that's what I'm afraid of too! May I ask if you'd preferred that your ex did wish you a happy bday? Or we're you glad not to have heard from her? I have to say I had mixed feelings. I thought it would be nice of her to send wishes out of respect and memory, but I knew she would be too proud. I would't respond and she would go ballistic again. It turned out she didn't send anything and I was glad, no need for any more drama or explaining why I have no desire to talk to her (would be extra hard to explain something while not talking ) Sometimes you may not know your preference until it's chosen for you. I'm glad all went the right way for me, but I guess keeping strong NC even when she wrote to me was my stable ground to know what to expect. Edited September 2, 2013 by Legatus 1
Author NomiMalone Posted September 5, 2013 Author Posted September 5, 2013 Thanks everyone for all your insights. Taking them all into account, I think I've made my decision. I'll send him an email late in the evening at around 11.30pm on the day, with "Happy Birthday" in the subject line, and "Hope you've had a nice day" in the email itself. He hardly ever checks his email, and because I'll be sending it late at night, the likelihood of him receiving it on his birthday day (and hence having his day ruined by reminders of me) are slim to none. But one day down the track, he'll look and it'll be there, and so he'll know that I hadn't forgotten/not bothered. I feel this is the best "happy medium" I can come up with that won't lead him on, yet let him know I remembered.
Legatus Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 Deliberating on likelihood of him reading it just proves you don't really want to send it : ) no judging, just tiny little observation. but it's good you made the decision 1
Author NomiMalone Posted September 7, 2013 Author Posted September 7, 2013 Aarrrggh truth is I have no idea what the right thing to do is! All this over analysing is doing my head in. Life is full of happiness and sadness, and things we can't control. The only thing we can do is be as kind as possible to people who deserve it. After all the hurt that my ex has put me through, I still care for him because I know he's a good person and never meant to hurt me. So... at the very end, I'm still trying to do the right thing by him. What that is I really don't know. It might totally backfire - like he might receive the bday wish and try to initiate contact (which I don't really want), or he might never ever see it, given he hardly ever checks his mail. Or I might chicken out and not send it at all. I guess what will be, will be.
Mr Scorpio Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 Aarrrggh truth is I have no idea what the right thing to do is! All this over analysing is doing my head in. I'm still trying to do the right thing by him. Do the right thing by you. Maintain your NC. The fact that you are analyzing the situation so much demonstrates that you are emotionally attached to him still. Beware. 2
clementyne Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 Do the right thing by you. Maintain your NC. The fact that you are analyzing the situation so much demonstrates that you are emotionally attached to him still. Beware. I agree with this. It's not not about doing what's right by him, it's about doing the right thing by you. It sounds like you're scared of coming across as having forgotten him on his birthday? Which means he still has a hold over you, hence the confusion. Try to work out what you want to achieve by wishing him before you decide to do it or not. 2
Author NomiMalone Posted September 8, 2013 Author Posted September 8, 2013 Thanks clementyne. You're right about him still having a hold on me. He was a genuinely kind, loving guy and I know he gave me everything he was able to give. It was mainly that his (quite severe) mental health issues prevented him from understanding why his actions hurt me. I left him because I could no longer put up with those actions (even though he didn't mean them). I have no grudges and genuinely wish him well. This is why I don't want to hurt him, ever, let alone on his bday!
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