Why did it end this way?

[confused maryanne]

Hi, I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years. It’s been a typical relationship with ups and downs but overall it has been great.

 

My boyfriend came to me 2 weeks ago and said he wanted to do threesomes and if I didn’t agree then we are through. I said I was not interested mainly because no one gives me ultimatums like that. He kissed me said goodbye and walked out.

 

What I want to ask is what would possess him to ask in the way he did? If we had of had a calm discussion about this I may well have said yes. I have been with women in other relationships before and enjoyed it. He doesn’t know that though. I trust him enough that I think we could have enjoyed it without getting emotionally involved.

 

Since we split I have sent him texts and rang him a number of times firstly to see if he wanted to reconcile (I thought he would have come to his senses) and then when that wasn’t going to happen to organize getting my stuff back and giving him his stuff. He has not answered at all, not even once.

 

I thought he might have split up with me this way to be with another girl but after speaking to his brother to organize to get my stuff he assures me he is not seeing anyone and has stayed at home in his room since we split.

 

Can anyone shed some light on what he might have been thinking/feeling?

[FennecFox]

Did he specify the gender of the third participant?

 

If he wants to involve other people or end it then it's pretty obvious what he's doing. He wants to be in bed with someone else but he'd rather not lose his security net over it if at all possible.

 

Also are you sure that you can trust his brother? Family ties usually go a lot deeper than most others. He may even be neglecting to tell you to try and spare your feelings.

[confused maryanne]

Did he specify the gender of the third participant?

 

Well actually that is a good point. I had just assumed he wanted another woman. Maybe he is gay or at least curious?

 

If he wants to involve other people or end it then it's pretty obvious what he's doing. He wants to be in bed with someone else but he'd rather not lose his security net over it if at all possible.

 

I agree but what I am having a hard time understanding is why he went about it that way he did. Demanding that I do it or else was never going to work, a bit of sweet talking may well have.

 

Also are you sure that you can trust his brother? Family ties usually go a lot deeper than most others. He may even be neglecting to tell you to try and spare your feelings.

 

I have thought about that too and I do feel that his brother was telling the truth. Asking around all his friends none have seen him and none had heard we split. So it seems he really has locked himself away.

[Soat]

If he wants a 3 way, then you have no relationship. 1 person is Always enough when youre in love or care about person. Why would you want to share your intimacy with someone you have no feelings!? So he has no feeling for you Move on.

[FennecFox]

If you feel like you can trust his brother and friends then it may actually be a case of him being confused about his sexuality. I know it sounds odd after the length of your relationship but the social pressures and stigma around homosexuality can force people to hide their feelings for a long time.

 

The ultimatum may have been a way to force your hand. It seems like a very confrontational and aggressive way to approach the situation which I can only assume is intentional unless he has always exhibited such a lack of tact.

 

Other pertinent information that may help us discern his intentions would be your ages, rough location and whether you have done anything questionable that would give him cause to want to split up with you (in a way designed to hurt you).

[confused maryanne]

If he wants a 3 way, then you have no relationship. 1 person is Always enough when youre in love or care about person. Why would you want to share your intimacy with someone you have no feelings!? So he has no feeling for you Move on.

 

We have already split up. I am just trying to understand his motivations for acting the way he did.

[confused maryanne]

If you feel like you can trust his brother and friends then it may actually be a case of him being confused about his sexuality. I know it sounds odd after the length of your relationship but the social pressures and stigma around homosexuality can force people to hide their feelings for a long time.

 

I would hope that is not the case. If it is then I need to reassure him that I understand and it's ok to be who he really is.

 

The ultimatum may have been a way to force your hand. It seems like a very confrontational and aggressive way to approach the situation which I can only assume is intentional unless he has always exhibited such a lack of tact.

 

This is very out of character for him.

 

Other pertinent information that may help us discern his intentions would be your ages, rough location and whether you have done anything questionable that would give him cause to want to split up with you (in a way designed to hurt you).

 

He is 22, I am 27. Yes I know, cradle snatcher.

 

We live in Australia. Out of curiosity why would location matter?

 

Six months ago I was accused by one of his friends of kissing another person. It wasn't me and I proved it wasn't by proving to him that I was working that night. As far as I know he had accepted that. I can't see that having anything to do with the breakup.

[Soat]

motivation who cares on this point? more important, He sees you as a sex partner/thing, not Any real feelings is my point.

[FennecFox]

Location matters because if you lived in Russia (for example) it would be more likely he was a socially repressed homosexual since the punishment is much greater there.

 

In reference to the kiss, I can't either. Even if for some reason he did believe it contrary to all the evidence it doesn't seem like enough to provoke that reaction, especially six months down the line.

 

So since the reaction was out of character and there's nothing you have done to provoke such a reaction then I would wager he has a serious personal problem that he feels he can't share with you.

 

After all, the logic makes no sense. He broke it off because he wants a threesome and he tried to force you into it. That screams selfish, angry, impulsive and unfaithful.

 

Yet since the break-up he's been reclusive and has cut all contact with you. Is that normal behavior for him? Staying indoors and not seeing anybody? Because that says guilt, shame, fear, depression etc.

 

Soat... where's your sense of intrigue?

[confused maryanne]

Yet since the break-up he's been reclusive and has cut all contact with you. Is that normal behavior for him? Staying indoors and not seeing anybody? Because that says guilt, shame, fear, depression etc.

 

He is normally a very social person. The only time I have seen him lock himself away is when he was hardcore studying when I didn't speak to him for days.

 

I too had suspected depression of some kind. Not from before the breakup though. He was his chirpy self right up until we split.

 

Is it wrong if I go and see him? Just go up to his room and go in and don't let him say no. If he is having issues I would like to help. Or do I just accept the breakup and leave him to himself?

[FennecFox]

I can't pretend to know what to do in that situation. I know that there have been times when I have been too proud, or scared to accept help for whatever it is that has troubled me. But it will open you up to further pain and heartache.

 

Non-contact would probably be the best idea for both of you. It could serve to make the situation worse if you went to visit him, especially unannounced. It's a strange situation but all you can do is wait to see if he feels ready to talk about it later. Until then just focus on getting yourself right after this break-up.

 

Your interest could be morbid curiosity or a selfless desire to help someone you care for but you're going through an emotionally turbulent time right now too and you have to think about what is best for you.

[Neall]

confused maryanne, I just want to say that i appreciate the love you feel for him, but honestly, he made his intentions clear.

and honestly, do you really think he loves you just like you love him?

he should never put at risk a relationship over a fantasy, simple as that.

if he did it, he simply doesnt love you anymore. and you don't even need to think of you should accepted or not, really if he loves you, you are more than enough for him to be happy, that's how love works, he should be ashamed tooking a fantasy over a relationship, because even if he took it, he should have ended things another way, not using the fantay as an excuse.

really this is not good for you, try to heal, don't contact him at all, move on with your life, let me tell you something, this happens in your brain, after the first 24 hours without contacting him, you will know that u can spend years without doing it again (contacting him).

 

i really wish the best for you, and to get over it as soon as possible...

[confused maryanne]

confused maryanne, I just want to say that i appreciate the love you feel for him, but honestly, he made his intentions clear.

and honestly, do you really think he loves you just like you love him?

he should never put at risk a relationship over a fantasy, simple as that.

if he did it, he simply doesnt love you anymore.

 

I understand that on the surface it looks as though the relationship is over. But it seems upon reflection that there may be other things going on here.

 

The way I see it is that if he is depressed about something then once he works through that or we work through it together then there may still be a chance for us. I don't want to abandon him when he needs firends and support.

 

Or he is struggling with his sexuality. I want him to know that I understand and that he still has a friend in me. Again I don't want to abandon him when he will need friends as he is coming out.

 

Of course he could just be an a55hole and put that demand on me with no underlying reasons but that would be very out of character. I know the advice here is to not go and see him but I think I am going to. I am not going to demand anything of him, just let him know that I am still a friend if he needs one.

[spiderowl]

I hope I am wrong but it sounds like the sort of 'how to break up' suggestion that a stupid male friend might give to his friend. If he hadn't asked for threesomes before and seemed upset at not having that option, then why would he start now? If he wanted to break up anyway, then asking for something he'd know you'd refuse would have been one (very cowardly) way of doing it.

 

The guy is not making sense and has behaved appallingly. I know you are hurt and upset by his behaviour and by losing him, but someone who would do this to you is not worth keeping. Don't you need someone who would treat you with more respect? There are better guys out there.

[Sparkle304]

Please don't try to be his friend. It can't be done as there are far too many relationship-based emotions right now. The best thing for you to do is to walk away. If he is hurting, he has family and friends to lean on.