mannaguy Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 Hello! From Up North. 53 just about divorced(officially).12 yr old son.Getting along good with the ex wife finally.Work, life, career has been getting on track the last 5 years after being a stay at home Dad more or less most of the marriage. 2 & 1/2 years ago started up with a younger woman (35 at the time). Didn't think much of the age difference. I'm in the Arts, around young peeps all the time and I look a bit younger than my age.But hey! I'm no chick magnet & that's not what I'm about anyways.So the XGF made it real easy & I was a bit surprised.A tad cautious tho as I was still finalizing my separation/custody legal issues. There were a few red flags even the 1st night we spent together.But...duh...me! She came across as someone who really wanted to get her life on track-personal growth-health etc..cut back on the party scene.Classy looking -very beautiful-Cool!(later I find out just prior to meeting her that she was having an affair more or less at the same time with 2 married men and a third on the go as well-yuck!!!). well we ended up committing & we both got checked out for you know whats. Within 2 months I realized that this awesome intimate connection we had was flawed & already pretty weird. Firstly, as we started to talk about 'love'(and I was feeling hugely romantic) I said I 'think' I may be falling etc... she started crying & was quite angry.I had to go be with my son an hour away.Later that night I rushed back to try do damage control.Probably my first big mistake. Later in the second month: after a very casual(or so I thought) conversation about marriage/commitment etc we went for drinks. She was getting quite drunk.Probably I was too but I was in a great mood.I said something critical of "church/marriage/piece of paper" kind of thing.My thoughts were more about my previous marriage ending. But she stormed out of the bar & jerked away(violently) from me on the street.Misery ensued with her cold-shouldering me. Also she could not stop flirting.However if I even glanced at another woman...look out!! Fast forward: She has since assaulted me physically 3 times severely when blind drunk and to a lesser extent week to week when sober.Breaking my work stuff-slamming doors-threatening to call the cops-have my kid taken away from me. Lots of emotional & psychological abuse as well: blaming me for Everything. Eventually I started 'blaming' back & getting angry.Righteously I believed.To no avail. I tried every approach with her.I tried to change me & my reactions.It sort of worked here & there.Specially Buddhist meditation.Which I love! There was 3 month NC break up that she initiated.I started to move on-date even.Then she calls.I thought I had her blocked but the phone company screwed up.We get back together. Fast forward (last time I promise!): After our 2nd year I get her into therapy & pay for it. Advise to get "re-diagnosed for her depression or bipolar or whatever the hell it is ,stop or alter drinking habits (I know an extremely tall order)...the deal-breakers.So she gets in to therapy then decides that she want to break up again.This after many,many. micro-breaks. OK this was in June.So I am devastated.I admit I did not handle it well.I drank alot.Raged at her and told her everything that I thought was wrong. Eventually after a few nights here & there together she blocks me & vice a versa. Finally I was calming down & accepting what was. Getting back to work,already meeting lots of new woman/people through my job.Never a problem there.I enjoy the social aspect of my work. At the end of the week (almost 3 weeks ago) she shows up at my apartment drunk wanting to 'finish' 'talk' things out. Cool.Ends up staying the night.It was difficult for both of us.I remain calm. Later that weekend I go out & when gone she rifles through my drawers/diary where I had alot of rants about her..I get back she is drunk & in a rage about it. I listen to her rant for about 5 hours & then finally convince her to let me drive her home (I am sober BTW). She gets in car begins kicking the dash & then kicks breaks the front window of the car.Not right thru,but the window is totaled. I jump out call 911(which I had been prepared to do all night once she started trashing my place). She comes at me scratching-trying to get the phone away.I run & avoid her for half an hour(as shes yelling she wants to fight-for me to hit her-which I never did!!! Miraculously!).She wanders off wherever.Cops come-cant find her. Next day she calls/emails with apologies. I love you now matter whats etc...I block her. I give a report to a Detective a few days later.She turns herself in a week later.Charged with assault & mischief. So I just started with a new therapist today and he 'gets' it.He has had Borderline clients & he warned me right off the bat to be careful.They are really hard to change.He confirmed my belief that in despite of her grasping for commitment & marriage she never was relationship-ready. I knew that but had hoped she could resolve some of her Narcissistic Wound & we would be able to forge ahead. So today was sad for me because I really just started to see how damaged she is & also how Ive been damaged.Still, having a real hard time unhooking from the traumatic bonding/co-dependency.I love her deep down.Does she love me/ herself? Sad. The cops said she would never be able to babysit or nanny again.Thank God for that. If she does get convicted with a record she may not be able to travel that freely to other countries.During the drunken rant she said she had nothing to lose as she threatened to light my Duvet & couch on fire. Too bad that's not true.We all have something to lose. And life matters. M
Philosoraptor Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 Sounds like you avoided quite a bad future by getting rid of her now. She is very unstable and abused you in many ways. Good on you for going to therapy, hopefully you will be able to break your codependency and move on to healthier relationships in the future. Just continue with your therapy and working on yourself. Heal up and enjoy the world you're living in. No longer have to worry about the random blow ups or what will get destroyed next... just a nice life with less stress and more happiness. 1
Author mannaguy Posted August 31, 2013 Author Posted August 31, 2013 Philosoraptor!! thanks alot for your reply! ya she was so time-consuming!! And didnt really motivate herself to get better!!! Just whined-berated-etc...God if my son did that Id try & help whip him into shape.But at 12 he is more emotionally together than she is ! M
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