UmbrellaBoy Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 After talking to my therapist and doing a lot of reading online, I'm pretty sure my currently-ex (but we've been through this cycle many times before) has engulfment fears about me. I'm a pretty strong personality, whereas he is rather insecure of himself deep down, and he's always expressed a sort of dread or suffocation about the idea of committing to me. We've gone back and forth many times where we haven't talked for a period (sometimes months), only for a reconciliation to take place, only for him to break it off again. We're currently broken off again, and while half of me is terrified that this really is it (his rhetoric has necessarily gotten stronger with each cycle)...another part of me thinks that in a couple months things could swing back to me again. It's complicated by the fact that he is also in a codependent involvement with another alcoholic ex of his; he seems to swing between us and uses each of us to escape commitment with the other. I just don't know how long it will be this time, if ever, and if there is anything I can do when he comes back to make sure it won't happen again. Usually, when he comes back, I am in some position to have a little leverage (since he's the one crawling back). What if I ask him to see a therapist or something like that??
Philosoraptor Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 (edited) Sounds like he is a real winner... let her have him and find someone more secure and willing to commit. Sad thing is, you and his ex are both backup options. He gets tired of one and moves on the the other. You are enabling this behavior by not having more self esteem and taking him back with the full knowledge he is not going to commit, and feels like he can leave and come back whenever he pleases. Edited August 30, 2013 by Philosoraptor
Emilia Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 It's complicated by the fact that he is also in a codependent involvement with another alcoholic ex of his; he seems to swing between us and uses each of us to escape commitment with the other. I just don't know how long it will be this time, if ever, and if there is anything I can do when he comes back to make sure it won't happen again. Usually, when he comes back, I am in some position to have a little leverage (since he's the one crawling back). What if I ask him to see a therapist or something like that?? You are also in a codependent relationship with him. You are trying to control what he does. Why not find someone you can have a healthy dynamic with? Someone who is secure enough?
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