I'm In Love With An Alcoholic

[karma84]

My ex and I broke up a few weeks ago over his temper and disrespect towards me. It was not the first time, however. We have a pretty long dramatic history together. We started dating seriously a year and a half ago, and stayed together, on and off for 7 months. During this time things were bumpy. To put it lightly, he is an "alcoholic" and his temper is very quick to flare up.

In those seven months we were together there were a few times that he would become upset and would ultimately lead to him cussing and screaming at me profusely. Finally, I broke up with him for good (or atleast for a long while). To complicate things a little bit more, we are or "were" in a band together. So we would have to deal with each other almost on a daily basis after our final break up. He went out of state for awhile and I found out he cheated on me during MOST of our relationship, with a girl I thought was a good friend of mine, not to mention his best friend's girlfriend. I confronted him about this issue, and he continuously lied and made me feel like I was crazy. I still TRIED to keep things professional and tried to avoid any serious conversations with him, to avoid conflict. However, his fuel (the alcohol) caused many problems between us and the band, and he landed himself in jail after getting into a fight with our bassist and violating his probation.

Now comes the good part of my story. After he gets out of jail, he gives me all these letters he wrote for me while he was in there. We get drunk together one night... I was WAY too drunk... to the point I blacked out, and admitted all my hurt feelings to him. A short bit after that he ended up admitting how much he wanted things to go back to the way they were and loved and missed me SOOO much. After all of this and so much more drama that I should have permanently eradicated out of my life... we end up getting back together. What a happy ending.. NOT.

Ok, so everything, surprisingly WAS wonderful. The two months that we lasted were nothing short of perfect. We we're completely devoted and open with one another like never before. He was showing sooo much affection towards me, that he never had before. We had even talked about marriage and spending the rest of our lives together. I truly thought I found my soul mate.

He got into a fight with a friend one night. It started out as a play fight, his friend hit him harder then expected and then he hit him back... in his sprained wrist. His friend fell to the ground in pain kicking and screaming and so my bf told him to shut the f*ck up or he was gonna kick his a$$. He was fearful that the cops were going to be called and he was going to get arrested again. After this abrupt situation passed, I told him that I felt he handled it the wrong way and this convo led into how I felt about his alcoholism. He did not like or agree with what I had to say and told me that if that is what breaks us up then it'll be a shame. I said I'm tired of coming second and walked out of his house. He called me begging me to come back, so I did. I kept relaying the message that he needs to cut back and so he opened up the door for me. Later he called me back and said he couldnt believe he said or did what he did, and that he was sorry and I'm his whole world, bla bla bla... He asked what he would have to do to keep me and I told him I wanted to take him to AA meetings and monitor how much he drinks, cut it back to 3 or 4 days a week at tops, and have him write down how much $ he spends on it every week.

A few days later I had to leave his house and could not spend the night with him. I had plans with a friend to go shopping in the morning and wanted to wake up early, I told him. This statement was true. Instead, however, I did end up staying up longer then expected, working on a website (I'm a web designer) and lost track of time. I missed my plans in the morning. He called my phone right on the dot, when I was supposed to wake up and my mom answered and told him I was still asleep, because I stayed up all night working on a project.

I called him when I woke up. I could tell he was drunk. He immediately started getting an attitude with me. He then asked if I went shopping like I was supposed to. I told him no and relayed what happened. He said he was pretty damn pissed about what went down and called me a liar and said he's tired of begging to see me (even though we spent EVERY day together) and to call me when I'm not busy, then he hung up. He called me back yelling that it was over and began screaming and cussing at me, ending our convo with, "f*ck u, go F*ck yourself, don't ever F*cking call me again! I later found out he went on a drinking binge the whole next week, drinking himself stupid every day because he was SO depressed about our breakup. He im'ed me telling me that it was not my fault that he was going through this (trying to play that manipulative reverse psychology bs).

That was about 3 weeks ago. He tried to show effort since then to quit drinking and go to counseling, not lasting more then about a week. He called me up one night when he was loaded and wanted to talk things over. He asked me my "stipulations" for us to patch things up. My response was that he needed to get a hold on his temper and greatly work on his alcohol addiction. He challenged my opinion and so I gave him many examples of his ill behavior towards me and others. Again he began screaming and cussing at me, I told him to lower his voice or I was hanging up. He didnt listen so I did. He ended up leaving the most vulgar message on my voicemail stating I'll I want to do is dictate and that he will bring every b*tch he could f*ck to practice to make my life miserable and if I quit the band boohoo, cuz he would be there with a bunch of drugs and booze and b*tches... etc....

Fastforward... ok, again he spills I'm sorry like a dam broken loose a million times over. No, I do not forgive him. He wanted to talk on the phone last week. I kept it strictly band related and did not talk to him besides at practice. Then a few night ago after practice I get in one of my depressed moods and end up im'ing him online to find out what he wanted to talk to me about. Immediately I can tell he is drunk by the way he says I'm being hostile by asking him that question. He starts playing games so I put my away message on. He calls me a few minutes later in a drunken state and begins telling me that there will be some changes coming about. He then relays that he will be leaving the band. That he cannot deal with seeing me there, that I cannot be myself around him anymore and we can't seem to work things out. I told him no need to bother because I am out. He suddenly changes gears and almost begs me not to. Anyways... enough bs. So somehow our convo leads to him telling me how he is willing to quit drinking for me and wants me back so badly, to give him a chance to speak to me soberly tomorrow.

The next day he calls, drunk. I tell him I know he's been drinking and I do not want to talk to him unless he's sober. He said he NEEDS to get some stuff off his chest. He tells me that he's sorry for the way he had talked to me Stupid me does not hang up the phone. He asks me what needs to be done to keep me, I tell him yet AGAIN, that I dont know if that could happen, he needs to make a change. That I'm not going to put up with anyone talking to me the way he does. He said if anyone else ever talked to me that way he would beat their a$$... I asked him why it's ok for him to? His answer was something along the lines of it's not but the ALCOHOL does it. He asks me if he's supposed to live up to my standards when I'm not around. That he couldnt eat or sleep when he quit drinking and I wasn't there to support him. I tell him yes, you should, I dont want to see u dead in a few years. I tell him that he needs help and HE needs to WANT it, and want to quit drinking... that I have tried to help him, but I cannot be there holding his hand and pushing him to do it every step of the way. He turns the subject back around on me again, and starts cussing at me telling me that I think I'm so perfect, that I would say what I'm f*cking saying now... I hang up.

A few hours later I'm talking to my friend who is dating his friend who lives with my ex. She tells me that he has just fainted and knocked himself unconscious. I guess he woke up shortly after mad as hell and ran out the house wanting to do something crazy. She asks me if we had gotten into a fight and pretty much blames ME for upsetting HIM, when he's the one who was disrespecting me. I'm sick of him bowing down to his addiction, his lack of respect for me, games, and manipulation of others. It drains me. For some reason although I think I know the answer to my own questions, I just cannot break apart from him. I still love him so much... the HIM that is not the addict. I can't forget how strong our love was the past few months, before this turn of events. I want to help him get himself out the gutter, but I don't know how or if it will ever be possible. When we were together last time everything was great, we were both extremely happy and now he's on a greater path of self destruction and I'm miserable and confused. Is there any possible way that I should or can help him now? Should I keep my distance from him and hope he eventually sees the light for himself? He said he would make a huge effort to quit drinking if I would help him. I don't know how to handle an alcoholic. What should I do?

[opaleye]

Man, the entire situation sucks. So much drama you must be exhausted!

 

I don't really know what to tell you though, because you still love him. Although, he doesn't sound like he deserves you- he's cheated on you, treated you with absolutly no respect dozens of times, and whats more he doesn't seem like he really wants help. He's still blaming the alcohol and not himself for treating you like rubbish. If it were me I'd get out. Stay away and make him stand on his own feet- it seems like you are getting stuck in the mothering instead of girlfriend role- he doesn't sound like he's treating you like an equal or giving you any sort of support. You deserve better. You could try to help him but the thing is that you are getting drained by this guy- he's calling you drunk all the time and dumping all his baggage on you. If you didn't contact him again would there be someone else to help him? Cos I know that you might feel like you owe it to the old him that you love(d?) to help him but is it worth it? Will he respond to your help or will he just keep self-destructing all over you? You could ring up a help line or something and ask them whats the best way to help an alcoholic.

 

Help him if you must but remember that sometimes you have to let go.

[meanon]

He said he would make a huge effort to quit drinking if I would help him.

Is there any evidence at all that he can achieve it with your help? Your post would suggest that if you sacrfice yourself in an effort to help him, it's likely to be futile.

 

Decide on what the bottom line is for you and then act accordingly. Are you going to stay with him no matter how he treats you or what the costs are to you? If not, then you need to leave this destructive relationship. It's very hard to leave someone you love when they are asking for your help, but if he is capable of change then he is more likely to achieve it if he has a powerful incentive, like the prospect of re-gaining your love.

[bluechocolate]

Originally posted by meanon

Is there any evidence at all that he can achieve it with your help? Your post would suggest that if you sacrfice yourself in an effort to help him, it's likely to be futile.

Decide on what the bottom line is for you and then act accordingly. Are you going to stay with him no matter how he treats you or what the costs are to you? If not, then you need to leave this destructive relationship. It's very hard to leave someone you love when they are asking for your help, but if he is capable of change then he is more likely to achieve it if he has a powerful incentive, like the prospect of re-gaining your love.

I agee with meanon - you may not be able to change him but you can change your situation - decide what your bottom line is.