Hectic time, need hlp

[NYK23]

It has been about a month and a half...

She is a young one, turning 22 this year, just graduated from college. She was doing very good cleaning up a lot of things in life that needed attention. Was truly happy she had told me a million times how proud of herself she was and she was happy that she was finally on the right track in life.

I started slowing down on the partying lifestyle to try and show her that I am committed to her & I before that type of life. She was digging it and following along, we were trying to move in together (4 hours distance from one another). All of the sudden she went out after 2 months of being clear minded and she had a little too much fun. Told me the next morning how upset she was and she couldn't believe that she did that. She told me that I had every right to be mad at her...she promised herself that it was just a slip up and that she was done with that lifestyle.

A couple weeks later...BAM again she had a "slip up" then she breaks the news that she was going to go to this music festival with some friends. I told her straight up that I was not thrilled about it but I also told her its her call. I said that I wanted her to just use her head but have fun, be safe. She immediately said "break and space." After 15 minutes she called me crying explaining to me that she jumped to an irrational decision and she was sorry that she loved me and does not want a break at all. The next couple of days everything was normal. She got to the festival told me that she wished I was with her. The next thing I know she shuts her phone off for 2 days and goes nuts with whatever...I was skeptical so I texted her about possibly have a trust issue, which led to her freaking out. Maybe I texted her a few too many times but hey 2 years in a relationship and the girl is trying to get clean. Bottom line, I was worried, concerned for her well-being. She finally texts me back we got into an argument I told her straight up that she was turning to old ways, going back to the old her. She freaked out and told me that she needed space and a break.

So I went down to her parents house to show her that I cared a lot and was concerned. All she could say is that she was confused with life and that it wasn't me but instead it was her.

After spending a couple of days with her she couldn't tell me enough of how much she loved and cared about me and that she was going to marry me someday...I left and she started hanging out with the "friends" again. A week went by and we didn't talk then she called me out of the blue stating that she was overwhelmed with life and confused, didn't know what she wanted or if she was missing out on something. The next day she texted me again telling me how much she loved and missed me and that she wanted to make this work...2 days later goes and hangs out with "friends" and the next day has lost love for me and was making up a lot of excuses as to why she did...

So after a month and a half of talking maybe once or twice every couple weeks I was talking to a mutual friend and I said that it was unfortunate that she had gotten kicked out of her house and was now currently living with and dating a dealer/user loser.

She has had a problem in the past and I thought she over came it. I could tell how bad she wanted to over come it...Now this..?

So today I am talking with this friend and I tell her that it is unfortunate and that the kid is a loser, she quickly relays the message to the ex and I get a phone call from her...Freaking out asking me why I have not just let go. I explained to her that a true friend wouldn't just let go and that I am not even focused on being her boyfriend but instead being there for her as a friend through a rough time in life. She was at work when she called me, she then starts crying her eyes out and I told her that who knows what could happen in the future but I am not worried about relationships right now. I also told her that I havn't "let go" because the truth is that I do love her very much, I told her my love is unconditional. She was still in tears, finally she told me to not answer any friends of hers or family even if they reach out to me so I agreed. I told her that I just want her to find true happiness and lead a healthy life. I told her that I was there for her as a friend if needed...

In the meantime about 3 days ago I sent her a short, inspirational/motivational letter via mail to reach out to her as a friend and just let her know that life is a blessing and to embrace it. I did not mention anything about problems or relationship...Just was giving her words of courage and motivation.

I told her that I sent this letter...

She calls me back so I answer she said that I don't need to be sending letters and that it isn't her fault that she got kicked out of her house and that it is all my fault that our relationship ended (I understand it is both of our faults) she said I changed and I wasn't the old me anymore (I was just trying to show her stability and true happiness). She was crying her eyes out and I told her to relax because life and everything was going to be okay her response nothing is okay...

I told her that she could throw the letter away if she didn't want to read it and she replied with no of course I am going to read it but I will talk to you later, I have to go, I am at work...no response yet.

 

Basically:

 

Her=W

party life=X

Me=Y

Other guy (dealer)=Z

 

W+Y+X= happiness for 3 years

W+Y-X= happiness for 3 months

W+Y+X= uncertainty and confusion

W+Z+X= her getting kicked out of her house, her not taking care of the animal we bought together and giving it away, her pushing people out of her life, her pushing me out of her life, her moving in with this kid

 

So after a month and a half of being broken up she states she doesn't love me anymore because I told her that she is turning into the old her again. (I apologized to her and told her that I said it wrong but she definitely is showing old tendencies).

She is now dating the drug dealer and living with him. After she told me she was nervous to move in with another man so we pushed it off for awhile. I understand that she got kicked out of her house and is left with limited options but anything but this bum...

 

Anyways some help would be greatly appreciated. I am hurting a lot I know we both need our time to heal but I would like to rekindle this relationship sooner as opposed to later...What is my next move, what should I do? Please help

[FennecFox]

Please correct me if I'm wrong but I'm going advise you under the assumption that her party lifestyle includes the recreational use of drugs. If it doesn't then I will adjust my advice to fit the situation but as it stands... you're screwed.

 

If she's using drugs then you're not going to get through to her without a fight. You know why she left you and she's with this guy? I doubt it has anything to do with love if drugs are involved. It has to do with you fighting her on it and him being a ****ing scumbag who will willingly load her up. She needs someone who will enable her so she doesn't have to feel so guilty about letting you down and letting herself down with these slip ups.

 

You're not going to win her back as long as she's into this sort of lifestyle... unless you were too but please don't even consider that an option. If you've managed to break that cycle then nothing at all is worth going back to it, not even her.

 

She avoids you because you make her feel like crap. It sounds to me like at one point she really did want to be free of all that. You made an agreement to work through it together but you were stronger than her, that made her feel weak and guilty. She doesn't like those feelings so she blocks them out either by ignoring you or by using again. Obviously it's not your fault that she feels like crap but since she seems to be unable or unwilling to break the cycle she'd rather avoid the emotional issues by getting a guy who won't challenge her or be stronger than she is.

 

My advice? Really? I would go to where she is living (with this guy) with a blunt weapon and destroy his face. Not out of jealousy, not out of rage, but because he's vermin. He's a drug dealer, feeding off the pain, inadequacy, loss and weakness of others. I would knock every single one of his teeth out, I would break his legs and fingers and arms. I would burn him, maybe take one of his eyes out. It's not going to help your situation at all but it's all that he deserves.

 

Or... a legal suggestion. Call the police. Hopefully both him and your girlfriend will be caught and then she will have no choice but to rehabilitate herself. She'll hate your forever but what's more important? Your emotions or her life?

[NYK23]

Please correct me if I'm wrong but I'm going advise you under the assumption that her party lifestyle includes the recreational use of drugs. If it doesn't then I will adjust my advice to fit the situation but as it stands... you're screwed.

 

If she's using drugs then you're not going to get through to her without a fight. You know why she left you and she's with this guy? I doubt it has anything to do with love if drugs are involved. It has to do with you fighting her on it and him being a ****ing scumbag who will willingly load her up. She needs someone who will enable her so she doesn't have to feel so guilty about letting you down and letting herself down with these slip ups.

 

You're not going to win her back as long as she's into this sort of lifestyle... unless you were too but please don't even consider that an option. If you've managed to break that cycle then nothing at all is worth going back to it, not even her.

 

She avoids you because you make her feel like crap. It sounds to me like at one point she really did want to be free of all that. You made an agreement to work through it together but you were stronger than her, that made her feel weak and guilty. She doesn't like those feelings so she blocks them out either by ignoring you or by using again. Obviously it's not your fault that she feels like crap but since she seems to be unable or unwilling to break the cycle she'd rather avoid the emotional issues by getting a guy who won't challenge her or be stronger than she is.

 

My advice? Really? I would go to where she is living (with this guy) with a blunt weapon and destroy his face. Not out of jealousy, not out of rage, but because he's vermin. He's a drug dealer, feeding off the pain, inadequacy, loss and weakness of others. I would knock every single one of his teeth out, I would break his legs and fingers and arms. I would burn him, maybe take one of his eyes out. It's not going to help your situation at all but it's all that he deserves.

 

Or... a legal suggestion. Call the police. Hopefully both him and your girlfriend will be caught and then she will have no choice but to rehabilitate herself. She'll hate your forever but what's more important? Your emotions or her life?

 

You hit the nail on the head.

 

She tells me it's not me and its her that she's confused now its the other way around...it's all my fault. So she is in denial? What should I do if she tries to contact me? What should I say?

 

Believe me I want to kill this kid for dangling that in front of her face when she was stressed and vulnerable. I know it takes two to tango but when you kbow someone is trying hard to straighten ouy their life and you do that...bad news, scum bag